Wee Roge Boobs
by Roger McKillop
Genre: Memoir
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: A case of hands-on management, perhaps?
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: A case of hands-on management, perhaps?
It
wis 1st February 1974 when A furst walked intae the P.E. Dept in a
weel ken’t sooth o’ Glasgow F.E. College, A didni leave till 27th
July 2012! A loved ma job, teachin’ all sports, Swimmin’, Health an’ Fitness
an’ of course Outdoor pursuits. As a former student yince pit it, “Ach, you get
paid fir playin’!” Considerin’ they paid me fir teachin’ Skiin’ (Alpine an’
Nordic), Snowboardin’, Sailin’, Windsurfin’, Kayakin’, Hillwalkin’,
Orienteerin’ an’ Mountain Bikin’, A hae tae admit, she had a point! Mind you
the same student, efter a bout o’ “Rogerisms”, described me as, ”Probably, the
maist intelligent arsehole, she’d ever met!”
A maun say A’m perversely proud o’ the accolade!
A mind Brian Johnston, the late Cricket commentator, sayin’ that the 5 letter word which was the sports broadcaster’s bane, was “balls!” Ma “bête-noir” wis ay’ wi’ “boobs!” 3 wee stories tae illustrate.
A wis takin’ a Health and Fitness class in the gym, we were daein’ several tests in class an’ A wis usin’ the Sphygmomanometer tae take students’ blood pressure. The class were split intae groups, tae go roond the circuit o’ tests. In this group Carol wis recordin’ the results, kneelin’ doon wi’ her record sheet oan the flair. A took Billy’s BP, which wis very high, sae A took it again, still high! A looked in the direction of his gaze, ok got it! “Billy were you playin’ Badminton at lunch time?” “Well A had a game o’ mixed doubles at the beginnin’ but A’ve no’ done anythin’ since.” “Did ye hae a big lunch?” “Naw only a wee sandwich. Why?” “Sae has jist lookin’ doon Carol’s cleavage done this tae yer Blood pressure?” At which Carol got up, ca’ him a “Perve!” an’ gie'd him a clout! Pair sowel! A’d only been kiddin’!
It wis a Thursday night an’ A took an extra-curricular gym class. There wis ay’ Badminton, Table Tennis an’ a group o’ maistly girls, wha loved trampolinin’. Everybudy moved roond the 2 Tramps an’ had a strict 3 min session, tae kep the group active, with me teachin’ between the 2 tramps.
Late in the session we’d dae somersaults wi’ me supportin’ on the bigger tramp. Jinty, (originally frae Edinburgh, then livin’ in Glasgow an’ noo efter several decades in Canada, an’ her accent still hasni’ moved a yaird west o’ Corstorphine!) wis nixt tae go. She started off wi’ 2 front somersaults then asked tae dae back sommies.
These though easier, back sommersaults, can be dangerous so A mounted the tramp tae balance on the frame tae support an’ protect her. “Noo Jints, count oot clearly, when your happy with your bounce an’ go oan the third bounce! If you look off A WILL be there tae support ye!” “Ok…….One Two THREE!” She counted oot. Insteed o’ goin’ straight back she veered off tae the left! A quickly moved to protect her from landin’ badly but ma right haun ended up oan her right boob! “Oh A’m really sorry aboot that Jints, A jist had tae get there as quick as A could!” “Nae probs Roge, it was ma fau’t!” She graciously admitted. “Ok we’ll try again, mind as ye go fir it drive your fists straight back. Ok, on three?” “Right, ok …..One, Two, Three!” Wheeched off even further tae the left, A jumped on tae the tramp bed, grabed her, oops right haun, right boob AGAIN! “Oh God Jints, A’m so sorry!” Long stare, “Mmmmm, A Ken ye didni’ mean it!” said she slightly barbed! “Ok yin mair try? Ok, A’m gonny place a hand near your back tae stop ye veerin’ left again.” “Right, here goes….. One, Two Threeeee!” This time she ower corrected went tae the right, almost intae me, A caught her again BIT left haun, left boob! Enough’s e-bluidy-nough! “A think ye should jist dae anithir couple o’ front sommies!”
The followin’ week, we got tae the same point an’ it wis Jinty’s turn fir sommies. She wis bien’ watched by a group o’ Fitba’ers whae were waitin’ tae get intae the gym efter ma session. As Jinty performed a perfect sommie, a young lad shouted oot, “Look guys a back somersault wi’ twa twists!” Jist fir shear devilment A replied, “Naw, a Front somersault wi’ “B”cups!” She saw the funny side an’ jist ca’d me a “Cheeky bugger!” A caught up wi’ Jinty A few years ago oan Facebook. When A reminded her o’ the incident, she avowed, indignantly that they were “C” cups! A had tae point oot, that thon wis the effect, o’ age oan Proprioceptive memory!
Noo Jinty an’ maist o’ ma students were 18/19 year olds an’ ye could hae some legitimate banter wi’ them, bit we, increasin’ly, sterted tae get younger students intae the college frae local schools. A mind havin’ a class o’ kids frae a Castlemilk School. A wis goin’ tae tak’ them Kayakin’ tae Loch Lomond the followin’ week an’ had scheduled a practice pool session today. For various reasons, only 2 girls came that day. They apologised an’ didni’ expect tae be taken because it wis jist the twa o’them. It wis Nae problem tae me, they hae made the effort an’ deserved tae get their shot. They were delighted an’ went off tae get changed. A got ready an’ got the boats, paddles an’ spray decks oot. The girls, Jill an’ Jenny, came doon in bikinis wi’ tee-shirts over the top. The lesson went on, we practiced capsize drills, with an’ without spray decks, forward an’ backward paddelin’ turns an’ braces. Eventually Jenny capsized, A quickly went ower tae her, emptied an’ righted her boat.
“Ok Jenny, put your hands on my boat an’ your boat, lie back an’ put your feet intae your cockpit an’ climb in.” A move we’d done before BIT this time A realised A wis lookin’ at a pair o’ young teenage unfettered nipples, emergin’ frae the waater! Tae be diplomatic, hopefully professional an’ cause nae embarrassment tae the lass, A quickly turned ma heid away, tucked the back o’ her spraydeck under her cockpit rim an’ said “Ok Jenny, you fix oot yer deck, A want tae hae a wurd wi’ Jill.” How’s that fir tact, eh? Brilliant! Quite pleased wi’ masel’ A paddled ower tae Jill. Noo how could A pit this delicately? Got it! “Jills.” “Aye?” “Could ye paddle ower tae Jenny an’ tell her she should adjust her costume.” She looked blankly at me an’ asked, “Eh? Whit dae ye mean?” “It will be quite obvious when ye get ower tae her.” “Ok.” An’ off she paddled. YES! Nobel prize fir tact comin’ tae Wee Roge! When Jill reached Jenny, she did immediately spot the problem/s. Aw’ ma tact, carin’ an’ diplomacy went richt oot the windae when “Haw, Jenny, yer tits ur hingin’ oot!” reverberated roond the pool! Ma Nobel prize went oot the same windae bit at least A didni’ say it!
In recent years the auld college wis knocked doon an’ replaced by a “New-build”. The pool was yin o’ the furst areas tae be decommissioned, A wrote this sonnet tae commemorate the fun A had in it.
A mind Brian Johnston, the late Cricket commentator, sayin’ that the 5 letter word which was the sports broadcaster’s bane, was “balls!” Ma “bête-noir” wis ay’ wi’ “boobs!” 3 wee stories tae illustrate.
A wis takin’ a Health and Fitness class in the gym, we were daein’ several tests in class an’ A wis usin’ the Sphygmomanometer tae take students’ blood pressure. The class were split intae groups, tae go roond the circuit o’ tests. In this group Carol wis recordin’ the results, kneelin’ doon wi’ her record sheet oan the flair. A took Billy’s BP, which wis very high, sae A took it again, still high! A looked in the direction of his gaze, ok got it! “Billy were you playin’ Badminton at lunch time?” “Well A had a game o’ mixed doubles at the beginnin’ but A’ve no’ done anythin’ since.” “Did ye hae a big lunch?” “Naw only a wee sandwich. Why?” “Sae has jist lookin’ doon Carol’s cleavage done this tae yer Blood pressure?” At which Carol got up, ca’ him a “Perve!” an’ gie'd him a clout! Pair sowel! A’d only been kiddin’!
It wis a Thursday night an’ A took an extra-curricular gym class. There wis ay’ Badminton, Table Tennis an’ a group o’ maistly girls, wha loved trampolinin’. Everybudy moved roond the 2 Tramps an’ had a strict 3 min session, tae kep the group active, with me teachin’ between the 2 tramps.
Late in the session we’d dae somersaults wi’ me supportin’ on the bigger tramp. Jinty, (originally frae Edinburgh, then livin’ in Glasgow an’ noo efter several decades in Canada, an’ her accent still hasni’ moved a yaird west o’ Corstorphine!) wis nixt tae go. She started off wi’ 2 front somersaults then asked tae dae back sommies.
These though easier, back sommersaults, can be dangerous so A mounted the tramp tae balance on the frame tae support an’ protect her. “Noo Jints, count oot clearly, when your happy with your bounce an’ go oan the third bounce! If you look off A WILL be there tae support ye!” “Ok…….One Two THREE!” She counted oot. Insteed o’ goin’ straight back she veered off tae the left! A quickly moved to protect her from landin’ badly but ma right haun ended up oan her right boob! “Oh A’m really sorry aboot that Jints, A jist had tae get there as quick as A could!” “Nae probs Roge, it was ma fau’t!” She graciously admitted. “Ok we’ll try again, mind as ye go fir it drive your fists straight back. Ok, on three?” “Right, ok …..One, Two, Three!” Wheeched off even further tae the left, A jumped on tae the tramp bed, grabed her, oops right haun, right boob AGAIN! “Oh God Jints, A’m so sorry!” Long stare, “Mmmmm, A Ken ye didni’ mean it!” said she slightly barbed! “Ok yin mair try? Ok, A’m gonny place a hand near your back tae stop ye veerin’ left again.” “Right, here goes….. One, Two Threeeee!” This time she ower corrected went tae the right, almost intae me, A caught her again BIT left haun, left boob! Enough’s e-bluidy-nough! “A think ye should jist dae anithir couple o’ front sommies!”
The followin’ week, we got tae the same point an’ it wis Jinty’s turn fir sommies. She wis bien’ watched by a group o’ Fitba’ers whae were waitin’ tae get intae the gym efter ma session. As Jinty performed a perfect sommie, a young lad shouted oot, “Look guys a back somersault wi’ twa twists!” Jist fir shear devilment A replied, “Naw, a Front somersault wi’ “B”cups!” She saw the funny side an’ jist ca’d me a “Cheeky bugger!” A caught up wi’ Jinty A few years ago oan Facebook. When A reminded her o’ the incident, she avowed, indignantly that they were “C” cups! A had tae point oot, that thon wis the effect, o’ age oan Proprioceptive memory!
Noo Jinty an’ maist o’ ma students were 18/19 year olds an’ ye could hae some legitimate banter wi’ them, bit we, increasin’ly, sterted tae get younger students intae the college frae local schools. A mind havin’ a class o’ kids frae a Castlemilk School. A wis goin’ tae tak’ them Kayakin’ tae Loch Lomond the followin’ week an’ had scheduled a practice pool session today. For various reasons, only 2 girls came that day. They apologised an’ didni’ expect tae be taken because it wis jist the twa o’them. It wis Nae problem tae me, they hae made the effort an’ deserved tae get their shot. They were delighted an’ went off tae get changed. A got ready an’ got the boats, paddles an’ spray decks oot. The girls, Jill an’ Jenny, came doon in bikinis wi’ tee-shirts over the top. The lesson went on, we practiced capsize drills, with an’ without spray decks, forward an’ backward paddelin’ turns an’ braces. Eventually Jenny capsized, A quickly went ower tae her, emptied an’ righted her boat.
“Ok Jenny, put your hands on my boat an’ your boat, lie back an’ put your feet intae your cockpit an’ climb in.” A move we’d done before BIT this time A realised A wis lookin’ at a pair o’ young teenage unfettered nipples, emergin’ frae the waater! Tae be diplomatic, hopefully professional an’ cause nae embarrassment tae the lass, A quickly turned ma heid away, tucked the back o’ her spraydeck under her cockpit rim an’ said “Ok Jenny, you fix oot yer deck, A want tae hae a wurd wi’ Jill.” How’s that fir tact, eh? Brilliant! Quite pleased wi’ masel’ A paddled ower tae Jill. Noo how could A pit this delicately? Got it! “Jills.” “Aye?” “Could ye paddle ower tae Jenny an’ tell her she should adjust her costume.” She looked blankly at me an’ asked, “Eh? Whit dae ye mean?” “It will be quite obvious when ye get ower tae her.” “Ok.” An’ off she paddled. YES! Nobel prize fir tact comin’ tae Wee Roge! When Jill reached Jenny, she did immediately spot the problem/s. Aw’ ma tact, carin’ an’ diplomacy went richt oot the windae when “Haw, Jenny, yer tits ur hingin’ oot!” reverberated roond the pool! Ma Nobel prize went oot the same windae bit at least A didni’ say it!
In recent years the auld college wis knocked doon an’ replaced by a “New-build”. The pool was yin o’ the furst areas tae be decommissioned, A wrote this sonnet tae commemorate the fun A had in it.
The Soggy Sonnet
Fareweel auld an’ faithful dookin’ place,
We’ll mind your drookit, slippy flairs,
Rustin’ pipes an’ Artic drafts
Your chippit tiles an’ shoogly stairs.
You’ve witnessed mony a kayak stroke,
Wi’ blear-eyed students tryin’ rolls.
You’ve heard mony’s a bairn’s laugh,
As they achieved their swimmin’ goals.
You’ve helped tae teach Life-savin’ skills,
That now protect the swimmin’ legions.
Wi’ resuscitation, tows an’ lifts,
An’ crushed an’ sair groinal regions!
For these an’ mair aquatic pranks,
You hae he’rt-felt an’ grateful thanks!
Fareweel auld an’ faithful dookin’ place,
We’ll mind your drookit, slippy flairs,
Rustin’ pipes an’ Artic drafts
Your chippit tiles an’ shoogly stairs.
You’ve witnessed mony a kayak stroke,
Wi’ blear-eyed students tryin’ rolls.
You’ve heard mony’s a bairn’s laugh,
As they achieved their swimmin’ goals.
You’ve helped tae teach Life-savin’ skills,
That now protect the swimmin’ legions.
Wi’ resuscitation, tows an’ lifts,
An’ crushed an’ sair groinal regions!
For these an’ mair aquatic pranks,
You hae he’rt-felt an’ grateful thanks!
About the Author
Edinburgh-born Roger McKillop is a retired Sports Studies lecturer. He has been writing poetry in Scots for many years and has had his work published in The Scots Magazine. His pen name is Roger Ceann Maol Beag, which means Wee Roger with the Bald Head!