Jack MacRoary's Fairtrade Adventure
Episode Eleven
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: March 10th – The DrumTumshie Fairtrade Challenge Cup.
Swearwords: None.
Description: March 10th – The DrumTumshie Fairtrade Challenge Cup.
As you can see, we are cracking along with getting DrumTumshie Academy accepted as a Fairtrade School. And now is the best bit of the whole thing. The DrumTumshie challenge cup. We discovered that you can get Fairtrade footballs. So we lobbied (Mr Marker our Modern Studies teacher told us that one) the Head Teacher to buy some for the PE department out of school funds. The PE teachers were all for it – as long as we didn’t burst the balls and they got to keep them afterwards. I think they were just happy that someone was doing something for them for once. Usually they just have to run around in the freezing cold and wet with a load of kids who don’t really want to be outside at all.
It must be tough being a PE teacher in DrumTumshie. So – with the Fairtrade footballs ordered, we had the PE staff on our side and they helped us to organise the DrumTumshie Challenge Cup. We put up lists for two teams. We had to give them names. Our team was easy: The Fairtrade Flyers. I didn’t put up a name for the other team – just Challengers but when I came back to the list I saw that had been scored out and someone had written The Free Marketeers instead. And the names under that team sheet included Jeremy and Jessica White AND Mr Smith.
I’m happy for girls to play football the same as boys and Jessica White can hack a winger down with the best of them. But not all the girls did want to play football, and some of them complained about being ‘left out’. I tried to say that some of us hadn’t wanted to do the Fashion Show, but that we compromised… but anyway, they came up with an idea of their own. Instead of standing on the sidelines supporting us (which my mum and dad and John and Heather all did, by the way) they decided to have a bake sale (using Fairtrade ingredients) to raise money for the Valentines Disco.
If I’m honest I wasn’t that keen on the Valentines Disco idea either, but of course other people are and it all helps to raise the profile of Fairtrade, so I can’t really object. You have to speculate to accumulate, Mr Smith says. And he was keen on the Valentines Disco. I think we all know why him and Miss Direction were put down as chaperones, which is a laugh. I’ll need to be chaperoning them if Mr Smith gets his way. Don’t worry, Miss Direction, I’ll protect you. There has to be a better man out there for you than Mr Smith. Even if you have to marry a teacher – which seems to be what teachers do – no one else can put up with them, I suppose – there are plenty more teachers in the staffroom, so to speak.
I’ll let you into a secret now. The football teams were open to boys and girls and to the staff. That’s not the secret. You know that already. We got Mr Marker on our team. I didn’t even know he played football. I didn’t even know he like football. I’m not sure he does. And now the secret is coming. I don’t think Mr Marker and Mr Smith get on. Because I think they both fancy Miss Direction. And so our Fairtrade Football match looked like it was going to be a grudge match.
Of course, that much is obvious from the names of the teams. We’re just doing the right thing by promoting Fairtrade in our name – but what about the opposition? I had noticed that there was some resistance to the notion of Fairtrade in the school, and not just Mr Smith. Jessica and Jeremy White are often to be heard saying sarky things about how Fairtrade is just stupid. And when I saw Jimmy Wong’s name on the Free Marketeers team sheet, I realised that we had more than one ‘enemy within’. He said he was just doing it because it was fairer, to even up the teams – but I don’t really trust him. Jessica told me it was because a) Fairtrade is stupid and b) Jimmy doesn’t want to be on the same team as Brian. Which is just mean. But Odoyo is playing on our side and that more than makes up for Jimmy. Everyone knows that people of African origin (even if they come from Birmingham) have more football in their blood than people of Asian origin. I bet Odoyo could play in bare feet. But it’s not advisable in DrumTumshie in January, so he’s wearing boots like the rest of us.
Miss Direction told me not to worry about who was on what team, it was just a game. What does she know? I went to the head of PE and asked if he would join our team, but he said he was going to be the ref and as such, of course, he had to be impartial. But he said that he’d make sure that a couple of the other PE teachers signed up for us. ‘To make up for Brian,’ was what he said. I didn’t really get that. We don’t need anyone to ‘make up’ for Brian. Okay, so Brian runs around the pitch and doesn’t ever get the ball on the end of his feet, except for the one time he did and ran the length of the pitch and popped it in the back of the net – which would have been great except that it was our net and it was an own goal. Brian didn’t care. As he pointed out ‘it was MY OWN GOAL’. And he was so happy he scored that we all celebrated with him anyway. We were getting thumped in that match anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
Anyway, I was hoping that Brian didn’t score an own goal in the big match, and in the end he didn’t. In fact he scored the winning header. It was probably a fluke, and happened because he was kind of pushed onto the ball in the penalty box by Jessica White, but it made him the Fairtrade hero for the day. And that’s the important thing. Brian got the ‘man of the match’ award and it was a voucher for Fairtrade goodies. It wasn’t a real gift voucher (because they don’t do them, but they should) but one made up by Miss Direction. And Brian bought a set of sparkly lacquered boxes and there were twelve, so he gave one to each person on the team and one to Miss Direction, which I think was very good of him. I would have just bought a load of Fairtrade chocolates and sweets and eaten them all myself. But I’m not as thoughtful as Brian.
I would like to write all about the football match, but Melissa says that I didn’t write about the Fashion Show in detail, so I’m not to write about the football match in detail.
‘It’s not about the football,’ she said, ‘it’s about the Fairtrade.’ And I don’t want to incur the wrath of Melissa, so I will save up the full details of the actual football match report for another time.
What I can tell you is that it was a game of two halves. Of course. And that our team won. Which meant that we got Mr Marker on our side for Fairtrade and Mr Smith had to pretend to be a good loser. And Mr Marker and Miss Direction got a sparkly box from Brian and Mr Smith didn’t. Loser! When Brian gave Miss Direction her box he said, ‘You can keep your heart in there, Miss Direction.’ Because Brian is turning all romantic all of a sudden. Then he said ‘or your little treasures’, because he realised what he’d said before and probably wished he hadn’t said it. Or maybe he meant to say it to Melissa. Anyway, Miss Direction blushed and said, ‘You are a little treasure, Brian.’ This is the sort of things the girls reading this will want to read. I know the boys (and men) would rather hear about the football match in detail, but what can you do? Women make up half the world and we have to be fair to them as well.
From the bake sale and tickets for the football match we raised nearly £200 for the Valentines Disco. Melissa and Miss Direction said I had to put that in, even though I don’t think it’s about the money, it’s the principle that counts. But the money meant that we could buy lots of Fairtrade chocolate and roses as well as pay for a live band. The live band is just a bunch of locals from TattyBogle, but they are pretty good. They can do anything from ceilidh music to disco funk. Whatever suits your taste. Come back tomorrow and I’ll spill the beans on the Great DrumTumshie Valentines Disco 2016.
It must be tough being a PE teacher in DrumTumshie. So – with the Fairtrade footballs ordered, we had the PE staff on our side and they helped us to organise the DrumTumshie Challenge Cup. We put up lists for two teams. We had to give them names. Our team was easy: The Fairtrade Flyers. I didn’t put up a name for the other team – just Challengers but when I came back to the list I saw that had been scored out and someone had written The Free Marketeers instead. And the names under that team sheet included Jeremy and Jessica White AND Mr Smith.
I’m happy for girls to play football the same as boys and Jessica White can hack a winger down with the best of them. But not all the girls did want to play football, and some of them complained about being ‘left out’. I tried to say that some of us hadn’t wanted to do the Fashion Show, but that we compromised… but anyway, they came up with an idea of their own. Instead of standing on the sidelines supporting us (which my mum and dad and John and Heather all did, by the way) they decided to have a bake sale (using Fairtrade ingredients) to raise money for the Valentines Disco.
If I’m honest I wasn’t that keen on the Valentines Disco idea either, but of course other people are and it all helps to raise the profile of Fairtrade, so I can’t really object. You have to speculate to accumulate, Mr Smith says. And he was keen on the Valentines Disco. I think we all know why him and Miss Direction were put down as chaperones, which is a laugh. I’ll need to be chaperoning them if Mr Smith gets his way. Don’t worry, Miss Direction, I’ll protect you. There has to be a better man out there for you than Mr Smith. Even if you have to marry a teacher – which seems to be what teachers do – no one else can put up with them, I suppose – there are plenty more teachers in the staffroom, so to speak.
I’ll let you into a secret now. The football teams were open to boys and girls and to the staff. That’s not the secret. You know that already. We got Mr Marker on our team. I didn’t even know he played football. I didn’t even know he like football. I’m not sure he does. And now the secret is coming. I don’t think Mr Marker and Mr Smith get on. Because I think they both fancy Miss Direction. And so our Fairtrade Football match looked like it was going to be a grudge match.
Of course, that much is obvious from the names of the teams. We’re just doing the right thing by promoting Fairtrade in our name – but what about the opposition? I had noticed that there was some resistance to the notion of Fairtrade in the school, and not just Mr Smith. Jessica and Jeremy White are often to be heard saying sarky things about how Fairtrade is just stupid. And when I saw Jimmy Wong’s name on the Free Marketeers team sheet, I realised that we had more than one ‘enemy within’. He said he was just doing it because it was fairer, to even up the teams – but I don’t really trust him. Jessica told me it was because a) Fairtrade is stupid and b) Jimmy doesn’t want to be on the same team as Brian. Which is just mean. But Odoyo is playing on our side and that more than makes up for Jimmy. Everyone knows that people of African origin (even if they come from Birmingham) have more football in their blood than people of Asian origin. I bet Odoyo could play in bare feet. But it’s not advisable in DrumTumshie in January, so he’s wearing boots like the rest of us.
Miss Direction told me not to worry about who was on what team, it was just a game. What does she know? I went to the head of PE and asked if he would join our team, but he said he was going to be the ref and as such, of course, he had to be impartial. But he said that he’d make sure that a couple of the other PE teachers signed up for us. ‘To make up for Brian,’ was what he said. I didn’t really get that. We don’t need anyone to ‘make up’ for Brian. Okay, so Brian runs around the pitch and doesn’t ever get the ball on the end of his feet, except for the one time he did and ran the length of the pitch and popped it in the back of the net – which would have been great except that it was our net and it was an own goal. Brian didn’t care. As he pointed out ‘it was MY OWN GOAL’. And he was so happy he scored that we all celebrated with him anyway. We were getting thumped in that match anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
Anyway, I was hoping that Brian didn’t score an own goal in the big match, and in the end he didn’t. In fact he scored the winning header. It was probably a fluke, and happened because he was kind of pushed onto the ball in the penalty box by Jessica White, but it made him the Fairtrade hero for the day. And that’s the important thing. Brian got the ‘man of the match’ award and it was a voucher for Fairtrade goodies. It wasn’t a real gift voucher (because they don’t do them, but they should) but one made up by Miss Direction. And Brian bought a set of sparkly lacquered boxes and there were twelve, so he gave one to each person on the team and one to Miss Direction, which I think was very good of him. I would have just bought a load of Fairtrade chocolates and sweets and eaten them all myself. But I’m not as thoughtful as Brian.
I would like to write all about the football match, but Melissa says that I didn’t write about the Fashion Show in detail, so I’m not to write about the football match in detail.
‘It’s not about the football,’ she said, ‘it’s about the Fairtrade.’ And I don’t want to incur the wrath of Melissa, so I will save up the full details of the actual football match report for another time.
What I can tell you is that it was a game of two halves. Of course. And that our team won. Which meant that we got Mr Marker on our side for Fairtrade and Mr Smith had to pretend to be a good loser. And Mr Marker and Miss Direction got a sparkly box from Brian and Mr Smith didn’t. Loser! When Brian gave Miss Direction her box he said, ‘You can keep your heart in there, Miss Direction.’ Because Brian is turning all romantic all of a sudden. Then he said ‘or your little treasures’, because he realised what he’d said before and probably wished he hadn’t said it. Or maybe he meant to say it to Melissa. Anyway, Miss Direction blushed and said, ‘You are a little treasure, Brian.’ This is the sort of things the girls reading this will want to read. I know the boys (and men) would rather hear about the football match in detail, but what can you do? Women make up half the world and we have to be fair to them as well.
From the bake sale and tickets for the football match we raised nearly £200 for the Valentines Disco. Melissa and Miss Direction said I had to put that in, even though I don’t think it’s about the money, it’s the principle that counts. But the money meant that we could buy lots of Fairtrade chocolate and roses as well as pay for a live band. The live band is just a bunch of locals from TattyBogle, but they are pretty good. They can do anything from ceilidh music to disco funk. Whatever suits your taste. Come back tomorrow and I’ll spill the beans on the Great DrumTumshie Valentines Disco 2016.
About the Author
Jack MacRoary, also known locally as the Bard of DrumTumshie, comes from the small farming community of TattyBogle, which he has singlehandedly put on the map through his fame. After bursting onto the Scottish literary cultural scene in August 2012, when he appeared at the inaugural Edinburgh eBook Festival, Jack now attends DrumTumshie Academy.
During his brief but eventful literary career so far, Jack has been a blogger, providing an insightful commentary on rural life and Scots culture; a short story writer; and most recently a political commentator through his McSerial contributions to the McStorytellers website.
The Complete TattyBogle, Jack's first “real book” published by McStorytellers in 2015, brings together in a handy compendium all of his musings, commentaries and stories to date.
During his brief but eventful literary career so far, Jack has been a blogger, providing an insightful commentary on rural life and Scots culture; a short story writer; and most recently a political commentator through his McSerial contributions to the McStorytellers website.
The Complete TattyBogle, Jack's first “real book” published by McStorytellers in 2015, brings together in a handy compendium all of his musings, commentaries and stories to date.