Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series One
by Rab Christie
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE FIVE - Bowling a maiden over?
_____________________________________________________________________
It was Scott’s turn to speak in the MOP chamber. He’d waited a long time. It was nearly the end of the summer term. He’d been a member for nearly 40 days (40 long days and 40 long nights) and his feet were still not under any table, nor had he bowed to the outdated rules. So he was one of the last to be allowed to give his speech.
They wanted to wait until everyone in the wider world had lost confidence and lost interest and were back to watching reruns of soaps in the afternoon and new soaps in the early evening. He was pitched up against the highest rated programme of the schedules . But he remained undaunted. He had things to say and at last he was getting a chance to say them.
The peculiarity of the maiden speech is that it’s the only time you can’t be shut up – you’re given the full 10 minutes and you do not have to yield to the baying Gnomes on the opposite side of the MOP whose only desire is to get you to sit down and shut up without saying what you want, or try to make you look so stupid that the only smart thing to do is sit down.
No, the Maiden Speech has a set format. You have to say thanks to those who’ve done your job before you. And then you have to say nice things about the place you represent. The second came easier to Scott than the first. The Rural Mountain constituency was a brilliant place and the more time Scott spent away from it the more he missed it, so his speech was like a love poem to his homeland.
Praising the man who had gone before him required some skills of oratory – or, as Scott decided, it was something that would have to be short if it was to remain honest. Because the man who went before Scott was one of the worst examples of a career MOPPER that you could ever imagine. He’d had the highest expense claims of the MOP for 3 years running and seemed to wear that as a badge of pride. He was hardly ever seen in the constituency, so engaged was he in flipping his places of residence – playing the housing market, the stock market, and any other market he could find. But he’d come unstuck on the political futures market. He was not a hard act to follow.
But that didn’t mean Scott wasn’t going to try. So he got that bit of the speech over quickly and moved on to his main points. Which were: Social Justice. Independence. Listening to the voice of the People. Overturning corruption wherever it may be found. All the sorts of things the electorate want to hear and most of the things those in MOP Government find most irksome. Which tells you all you need to know about the way the system works.
Scott took a deep breath. There weren’t a lot of Gnomes in the MOP chamber, apart from all his own party, who turned up for every speech because they were there to work and to be seen to be working (and because they’d been kept off as many committees as was humanly possible). The rest were probably watching Soap Operas on TV like all good gnomes are supposed to between the hours of news and reality shows.
‘I put it to you,’ he said, ‘that this place is a disgrace. It is not fit for purpose.’ There were sharp intakes of breath from across the house – Gnomes looked at the Speaker who shrugged. He didn’t like what he was hearing but he couldn’t intervene.
‘It’s not fit for purpose in the fabric of the building,’ Scott continued. ‘It’s a joke that we should be crammed three to an office and that the seats in this place should be oversubscribed by about odds of 2 to 1.’ He paused. ‘Even though many of our colleagues seek to remedy this problem by not showing up, I suggest that is a disgraceful way to behave. It is not a solution to the problem, it is in fact the root of the problem. Not only is the fabric of this place a disgrace but the attitude and behaviours of members within it are also a disgrace.’
The One Nation Government Gnomes looked at the Speaker. This surely was going too far – you couldn’t roundly abuse the entire system in your maiden speech and get away with it, could you? But no one could stop Scott.
‘I do not want you to think that I am simply criticising – that’s all too easy to do – no, fellow members, I want to make some positive suggestions for change. In the past month I have been observing this place and how it runs (or doesn’t run) and I am developing a list of alternative strategies which I shall put forward at the earliest opportunity. These include changes to the way we do business at nearly every level.’ He was about to start his list when he saw the bell light up across the chamber which gave him the cue that he had to stop short, ‘And many other things,’ he said.
He remained a bit unnerved by that bell. Surely he hadn’t had his 10 minutes. He’d tried the speech out several times before, even run it past Angus, and he was barely half way through, yet there was the bell. Angus, for the record, had been impressed by the speech but thought it might ‘mark Scott out’ as a troublemaker.
‘Good,’ had been Scott’s reply, ‘that’s what I want to be. No feet under the table for me.’
And now, here he was, half way through the important speech of his life thus far, having to cut it short. He suspected that someone had over-ridden the bell and that he was being cut short deliberately. He was right. But he didn’t have time to argue the toss over that and risk his speech degenerating into a slanging match.
‘It’s a measure of how many things need to be changed in this place that I have only got half way through my list and time escapes me,’ he said. ‘But be sure that this is not the last you have heard of me. I intend to take my place fully in the workings of this outmoded, outdated and completely inappropriate system of what is laughingly called government, and I will be a thorn in the side of any who try to stifle my dissent. I call on all right thinking members to back me in agreement that this place needs changing. And that it will not change on its own. Years of tradition and the attitude of the gravy train have to be overthrown and I will fight for that daily…’
He could see the Speaker making cutting movements with his finger over his throat and while it seemed a bit sinister, and more appropriate to a gangster movie, he took it as a simple gesture asking him to stop speaking, so he finished with his big rallying cry, ‘Fellow members, we were elected by the Gnomes in our nations and we need to change the very face of representative government in these four nations, serving the people rather than serving our self interest. We hold the hopes of many gnomes in our hands and the destiny of our nations depend on us. I ask you to join with me in being the change we want to see. There are not enough seats in this chamber, yet today there are too many seats empty. I will be here when seats are plentiful and when I have to stand to be heard. Striving for change, for a better place, a better system and a better life for all, not just for the privileged.’
And he sat down. To rapturous applause. The Speaker then jumped out of his chair.
‘I will not warn you any more about this unorthodox and unacceptable manner of expressing approval. You WILL NOT DO IT. I will sanction anyone caught clapping in future. You will be ejected and suspended from this place…’
Scott stood up. ‘Our freedom of speech and freedom of expression is compromised in this place,’ he said. ‘But if we cannot speak here, we will find a more fitting forum to debate. We will not be silenced.’ He turned round and walked from the chamber.
And to a man #TeamMacGnome stood up and walked out of the MOP chamber behind him. Leaving the remnants of the One Nation Gnome Government in stunned disbelief and the ineffective opposition benches, sparsely populated as they were, in a state of utter confusion. Which to be fair, was their natural state.
#TeamMacGnome stood outside the Chamber, in the street, and applauded Scott as their champion. The Leader of #TeamMacGnome in the MOP spoke to the media and said, ‘We have thrown down the gauntlet. We will not be bullied into bad behaviour just because of outmoded and ridiculous tradition. We are not here to play politics, we are here to change policy.’
The news didn’t cover Scott’s actual speech, they just focussed on the row over clapping and how #TeamMacGnome had walked out of the chamber en masse. But one of the wittier papers ran the headline the next day ‘MacGnome bowls the maiden over.’ And it was true. Cricket wasn’t a big sport in any of the Nations but the Southrons. So the analogy might be lost on many. But the point is, Scott MacGnome took his fight to the heart of the establishment that day and you can bet he’s got more up his sleeve to come. But we have a cliff-hanger to hang off, so that’s your lot till next week.
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE FIVE - Bowling a maiden over?
_____________________________________________________________________
It was Scott’s turn to speak in the MOP chamber. He’d waited a long time. It was nearly the end of the summer term. He’d been a member for nearly 40 days (40 long days and 40 long nights) and his feet were still not under any table, nor had he bowed to the outdated rules. So he was one of the last to be allowed to give his speech.
They wanted to wait until everyone in the wider world had lost confidence and lost interest and were back to watching reruns of soaps in the afternoon and new soaps in the early evening. He was pitched up against the highest rated programme of the schedules . But he remained undaunted. He had things to say and at last he was getting a chance to say them.
The peculiarity of the maiden speech is that it’s the only time you can’t be shut up – you’re given the full 10 minutes and you do not have to yield to the baying Gnomes on the opposite side of the MOP whose only desire is to get you to sit down and shut up without saying what you want, or try to make you look so stupid that the only smart thing to do is sit down.
No, the Maiden Speech has a set format. You have to say thanks to those who’ve done your job before you. And then you have to say nice things about the place you represent. The second came easier to Scott than the first. The Rural Mountain constituency was a brilliant place and the more time Scott spent away from it the more he missed it, so his speech was like a love poem to his homeland.
Praising the man who had gone before him required some skills of oratory – or, as Scott decided, it was something that would have to be short if it was to remain honest. Because the man who went before Scott was one of the worst examples of a career MOPPER that you could ever imagine. He’d had the highest expense claims of the MOP for 3 years running and seemed to wear that as a badge of pride. He was hardly ever seen in the constituency, so engaged was he in flipping his places of residence – playing the housing market, the stock market, and any other market he could find. But he’d come unstuck on the political futures market. He was not a hard act to follow.
But that didn’t mean Scott wasn’t going to try. So he got that bit of the speech over quickly and moved on to his main points. Which were: Social Justice. Independence. Listening to the voice of the People. Overturning corruption wherever it may be found. All the sorts of things the electorate want to hear and most of the things those in MOP Government find most irksome. Which tells you all you need to know about the way the system works.
Scott took a deep breath. There weren’t a lot of Gnomes in the MOP chamber, apart from all his own party, who turned up for every speech because they were there to work and to be seen to be working (and because they’d been kept off as many committees as was humanly possible). The rest were probably watching Soap Operas on TV like all good gnomes are supposed to between the hours of news and reality shows.
‘I put it to you,’ he said, ‘that this place is a disgrace. It is not fit for purpose.’ There were sharp intakes of breath from across the house – Gnomes looked at the Speaker who shrugged. He didn’t like what he was hearing but he couldn’t intervene.
‘It’s not fit for purpose in the fabric of the building,’ Scott continued. ‘It’s a joke that we should be crammed three to an office and that the seats in this place should be oversubscribed by about odds of 2 to 1.’ He paused. ‘Even though many of our colleagues seek to remedy this problem by not showing up, I suggest that is a disgraceful way to behave. It is not a solution to the problem, it is in fact the root of the problem. Not only is the fabric of this place a disgrace but the attitude and behaviours of members within it are also a disgrace.’
The One Nation Government Gnomes looked at the Speaker. This surely was going too far – you couldn’t roundly abuse the entire system in your maiden speech and get away with it, could you? But no one could stop Scott.
‘I do not want you to think that I am simply criticising – that’s all too easy to do – no, fellow members, I want to make some positive suggestions for change. In the past month I have been observing this place and how it runs (or doesn’t run) and I am developing a list of alternative strategies which I shall put forward at the earliest opportunity. These include changes to the way we do business at nearly every level.’ He was about to start his list when he saw the bell light up across the chamber which gave him the cue that he had to stop short, ‘And many other things,’ he said.
He remained a bit unnerved by that bell. Surely he hadn’t had his 10 minutes. He’d tried the speech out several times before, even run it past Angus, and he was barely half way through, yet there was the bell. Angus, for the record, had been impressed by the speech but thought it might ‘mark Scott out’ as a troublemaker.
‘Good,’ had been Scott’s reply, ‘that’s what I want to be. No feet under the table for me.’
And now, here he was, half way through the important speech of his life thus far, having to cut it short. He suspected that someone had over-ridden the bell and that he was being cut short deliberately. He was right. But he didn’t have time to argue the toss over that and risk his speech degenerating into a slanging match.
‘It’s a measure of how many things need to be changed in this place that I have only got half way through my list and time escapes me,’ he said. ‘But be sure that this is not the last you have heard of me. I intend to take my place fully in the workings of this outmoded, outdated and completely inappropriate system of what is laughingly called government, and I will be a thorn in the side of any who try to stifle my dissent. I call on all right thinking members to back me in agreement that this place needs changing. And that it will not change on its own. Years of tradition and the attitude of the gravy train have to be overthrown and I will fight for that daily…’
He could see the Speaker making cutting movements with his finger over his throat and while it seemed a bit sinister, and more appropriate to a gangster movie, he took it as a simple gesture asking him to stop speaking, so he finished with his big rallying cry, ‘Fellow members, we were elected by the Gnomes in our nations and we need to change the very face of representative government in these four nations, serving the people rather than serving our self interest. We hold the hopes of many gnomes in our hands and the destiny of our nations depend on us. I ask you to join with me in being the change we want to see. There are not enough seats in this chamber, yet today there are too many seats empty. I will be here when seats are plentiful and when I have to stand to be heard. Striving for change, for a better place, a better system and a better life for all, not just for the privileged.’
And he sat down. To rapturous applause. The Speaker then jumped out of his chair.
‘I will not warn you any more about this unorthodox and unacceptable manner of expressing approval. You WILL NOT DO IT. I will sanction anyone caught clapping in future. You will be ejected and suspended from this place…’
Scott stood up. ‘Our freedom of speech and freedom of expression is compromised in this place,’ he said. ‘But if we cannot speak here, we will find a more fitting forum to debate. We will not be silenced.’ He turned round and walked from the chamber.
And to a man #TeamMacGnome stood up and walked out of the MOP chamber behind him. Leaving the remnants of the One Nation Gnome Government in stunned disbelief and the ineffective opposition benches, sparsely populated as they were, in a state of utter confusion. Which to be fair, was their natural state.
#TeamMacGnome stood outside the Chamber, in the street, and applauded Scott as their champion. The Leader of #TeamMacGnome in the MOP spoke to the media and said, ‘We have thrown down the gauntlet. We will not be bullied into bad behaviour just because of outmoded and ridiculous tradition. We are not here to play politics, we are here to change policy.’
The news didn’t cover Scott’s actual speech, they just focussed on the row over clapping and how #TeamMacGnome had walked out of the chamber en masse. But one of the wittier papers ran the headline the next day ‘MacGnome bowls the maiden over.’ And it was true. Cricket wasn’t a big sport in any of the Nations but the Southrons. So the analogy might be lost on many. But the point is, Scott MacGnome took his fight to the heart of the establishment that day and you can bet he’s got more up his sleeve to come. But we have a cliff-hanger to hang off, so that’s your lot till next week.
About the Author
G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.