Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series One
by Rab Christie
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE TWELVE - Some Gnomes are more equal than others.
_____________________________________________________________________
Have we just about forgotten the ‘scandal’ from last week? Is Scott’s ‘bottle’ still dangling on a shoogly peg? And with the final episode, will we get some kind of closure? Of course we won’t. This is a serial, after all. Don’t look for closure. Soap operas are like life in that respect. Just a series of cliffhangers until your fingernails are worn to the quick hanging on in there. And then you die. Oh, and there is a moral element to the soap opera format, so don’t write in complaining that I’m moralising. Didacticism for the masses disguised as entertainment. That’s soap opera.
What you need to know for now is that there’s Big Business afoot in the MOP. It’s all about equality. About who gets to vote for which laws. Angus described it as ‘pure evel, so it is.’ Which I think probably gives you all the introduction you need to this week’s story. Votes for Gnomes is the topic of the day. And which Gnomes get to vote for which laws.
Not content with having a working majority, which means that they can pretty much ride roughshod over the views and wishes of a huge proportion of the members (and even more of their constituents) and just push through whatever legislation that they want – the One Nation Party have decided they really need belt and braces. You can see their point. If the Ineffective Opposition ever got Effective, and if they actually joined forces with #TeamMacGnome for the good of all the gnomes across the four nations, things might start getting a smidge awkward. And the Prime Mover of the MOP was on a roll. He’d just signed a great trade deal with the biggest boy on the Gnome block. Never mind that it gave away all four nations’ rights by allowing the Big Boy the keys to the cupboard of the energy market – it was ‘good business’. He’d consolidated his approach by deciding that retaining a manufacturing industry on the shores of Gnomeland – even in the Northron lands – was not good business. One Nation gnomes are more interested in money than anything else. Follow the money must be engraved on their hearts. It’s not a way to run a country. In my opinion. And I’m not alone. Social justice and Big Business don’t naturally go hand in hand.
But this is the point. What we think doesn’t matter. And increasingly so. The Prime Mover has had the restraining halter of reason removed from his head and he’s rushing headlong into an extremist position (all the while damning the concept of ‘extremism’ – irony being his speciality). One Nation values, anyone?
But just in case the gnomes revolted, as eventually they might. And just in case the voices became too loud to ignore, or any of the plans to overthrow his mighty power looked like they might work – abolishing the Upper House of Gnome Lords, for example – he came up with the Mother of all Laws. A law which was pure evel. A law which fundamentally changed the constitution. As it was reported on the news : it will change the constitution of Southron Gnomeland for ever. Oops. They do forget, don’t they? They do forget that GnomeLand is bigger than the Southron part. But they use it interchangeably. Gnomeland and Southron Gnomeland just mean the same thing to them. That, my friends, is the legacy of imperialism. We don’t matter. Can I say it again slowly enough. WE. DON’T. MATTER.
If you don’t believe me, look at what just happened.
On a cold autumn day, the die was cast. Scott took his place on the benches. He tried to speak but somehow he never seems able to catch the Speaker’s eye these days. They say sharny dubs stick. It’s true. So Scott was shut out of the debate, which was rushed through in an afternoon – well, it’s only one of the most important issues in this session’s business, you don’t want to waste time debating it properly now, do you? Angus got to speak and made an impassioned plea for reason. As did several others. It was rousing stuff if you watched it on TV – live, of course, because they do like to edit it down to something unrecognisable and indeed miss out the more important bits completely. But Northron Gnomes have got wise to that and tend to ‘consume’ their media through more social channels, leaving the Southron Gnomes to revel in the lurid non-details of this week’s gossip and scandal. It’s just one example of the differences between the Gnome Nations.
And it is the differences between the nations that is the root of all evel. The Prime Mover’s position is that since the Northrons, the Valleys and the Troublers have their own devolved governments (no matter the limitation of their powers), then the Southrons should have their own devolved government.
Now there’s an element of reason in this. Though you might be tempted to think that since we are all so different perhaps the most obvious thing would be independence? NO? Well, anyway, even if you agree that there are issues which are solely the province of the Southrons and even if you can’t see that most of these are covered in their own ‘city’ legislative procedures, you have, surely, to see that using the MOP both as the MOP and as the site of a devolved parliament is feeding rather too many rats with one bone.
Especially since the MOP doesn’t seem capable of doing what it IS formed for, which I believe is nominally described as working for the good of all the Gnomes in all four nations.
Surely if there’s to be a devolved Southron Parliament it should a) have its own elections and elected members and b) its own parliament. A separate entity entirely. But once again we’re faced with the spectre of dying imperialism. Southron is biggest and so Southron is best and Southron is leader and can dish out favours or withdraw them at will.
Spin the coin. The other side is no clearer. Because the other side reveals that actually, because the MOP holds the purse strings for everyone, simply handing out pocket money and party favours to the devolved Governments in the other Three Gnome Nations, there are effectively NO issues debated and legislated in MOP which don’t involve ALL the nations. Unless you divvied up all the money in the first place and didn’t have an integrated economic policy you can’t say that there are Southron only issues. And if you don’t have an integrated economic policy, what do you have? Independence?
The long and the short of it is, the evel law means that there are two classes of MOP members. And the Northrons are definitely being asked to travel second class. Don’t be fooled by any Prime Mover rhetoric. You can’t trust him. But he has the power, if not the glory. And he’s on a one-way path to a First Class One Nation building exercise. You couldn’t make it up. Not and expect to be believed.
I said that this is a serial and so you can’t expect an ending of any kind – and definitely not a happy one – but it’s just occurred to Scott that the second class citizen thing might be turned to some advantage. Remember you have to do things when they least expect them?
Well, guess what? The date set for the first Evel issues to be debated is 30th November. That’s a good date anyway, isn’t it? Flags may be flying in the Northron lands. They won’t be flying over the Prime Mover’s house this year, of course, not now he’s got what he wanted – a bunch of second class serfs with no power, and soon enough with no means to generate their own power – take that whichever way you will – renewables, steel, coal, fracking, voting.
So here’s a thought. On the 30th November, the One Nation Gnomes will all be in the MOP debating their own little evel plans for the first time. The other Three Nations will be out of the building. Which means there will probably be enough seats for the One Nations all to have a good view and plenty of elbow room (see, they’ve solved Scott’s problem of overcrowding, not fit for purpose there too, surely he should see the progress!).
I shouldn’t say it, of course, because it might be considered unpatriotic, but what a jolly good date to have fireworks in the chamber! BOOM! Problem sorted. The road to independence starts here. Don’t take me seriously; after all, it’s just a Game of Gnomes. But don’t tell me you won’t be looking just that little bit more closely at your chosen media outlet on 30th November all the same.
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE TWELVE - Some Gnomes are more equal than others.
_____________________________________________________________________
Have we just about forgotten the ‘scandal’ from last week? Is Scott’s ‘bottle’ still dangling on a shoogly peg? And with the final episode, will we get some kind of closure? Of course we won’t. This is a serial, after all. Don’t look for closure. Soap operas are like life in that respect. Just a series of cliffhangers until your fingernails are worn to the quick hanging on in there. And then you die. Oh, and there is a moral element to the soap opera format, so don’t write in complaining that I’m moralising. Didacticism for the masses disguised as entertainment. That’s soap opera.
What you need to know for now is that there’s Big Business afoot in the MOP. It’s all about equality. About who gets to vote for which laws. Angus described it as ‘pure evel, so it is.’ Which I think probably gives you all the introduction you need to this week’s story. Votes for Gnomes is the topic of the day. And which Gnomes get to vote for which laws.
Not content with having a working majority, which means that they can pretty much ride roughshod over the views and wishes of a huge proportion of the members (and even more of their constituents) and just push through whatever legislation that they want – the One Nation Party have decided they really need belt and braces. You can see their point. If the Ineffective Opposition ever got Effective, and if they actually joined forces with #TeamMacGnome for the good of all the gnomes across the four nations, things might start getting a smidge awkward. And the Prime Mover of the MOP was on a roll. He’d just signed a great trade deal with the biggest boy on the Gnome block. Never mind that it gave away all four nations’ rights by allowing the Big Boy the keys to the cupboard of the energy market – it was ‘good business’. He’d consolidated his approach by deciding that retaining a manufacturing industry on the shores of Gnomeland – even in the Northron lands – was not good business. One Nation gnomes are more interested in money than anything else. Follow the money must be engraved on their hearts. It’s not a way to run a country. In my opinion. And I’m not alone. Social justice and Big Business don’t naturally go hand in hand.
But this is the point. What we think doesn’t matter. And increasingly so. The Prime Mover has had the restraining halter of reason removed from his head and he’s rushing headlong into an extremist position (all the while damning the concept of ‘extremism’ – irony being his speciality). One Nation values, anyone?
But just in case the gnomes revolted, as eventually they might. And just in case the voices became too loud to ignore, or any of the plans to overthrow his mighty power looked like they might work – abolishing the Upper House of Gnome Lords, for example – he came up with the Mother of all Laws. A law which was pure evel. A law which fundamentally changed the constitution. As it was reported on the news : it will change the constitution of Southron Gnomeland for ever. Oops. They do forget, don’t they? They do forget that GnomeLand is bigger than the Southron part. But they use it interchangeably. Gnomeland and Southron Gnomeland just mean the same thing to them. That, my friends, is the legacy of imperialism. We don’t matter. Can I say it again slowly enough. WE. DON’T. MATTER.
If you don’t believe me, look at what just happened.
On a cold autumn day, the die was cast. Scott took his place on the benches. He tried to speak but somehow he never seems able to catch the Speaker’s eye these days. They say sharny dubs stick. It’s true. So Scott was shut out of the debate, which was rushed through in an afternoon – well, it’s only one of the most important issues in this session’s business, you don’t want to waste time debating it properly now, do you? Angus got to speak and made an impassioned plea for reason. As did several others. It was rousing stuff if you watched it on TV – live, of course, because they do like to edit it down to something unrecognisable and indeed miss out the more important bits completely. But Northron Gnomes have got wise to that and tend to ‘consume’ their media through more social channels, leaving the Southron Gnomes to revel in the lurid non-details of this week’s gossip and scandal. It’s just one example of the differences between the Gnome Nations.
And it is the differences between the nations that is the root of all evel. The Prime Mover’s position is that since the Northrons, the Valleys and the Troublers have their own devolved governments (no matter the limitation of their powers), then the Southrons should have their own devolved government.
Now there’s an element of reason in this. Though you might be tempted to think that since we are all so different perhaps the most obvious thing would be independence? NO? Well, anyway, even if you agree that there are issues which are solely the province of the Southrons and even if you can’t see that most of these are covered in their own ‘city’ legislative procedures, you have, surely, to see that using the MOP both as the MOP and as the site of a devolved parliament is feeding rather too many rats with one bone.
Especially since the MOP doesn’t seem capable of doing what it IS formed for, which I believe is nominally described as working for the good of all the Gnomes in all four nations.
Surely if there’s to be a devolved Southron Parliament it should a) have its own elections and elected members and b) its own parliament. A separate entity entirely. But once again we’re faced with the spectre of dying imperialism. Southron is biggest and so Southron is best and Southron is leader and can dish out favours or withdraw them at will.
Spin the coin. The other side is no clearer. Because the other side reveals that actually, because the MOP holds the purse strings for everyone, simply handing out pocket money and party favours to the devolved Governments in the other Three Gnome Nations, there are effectively NO issues debated and legislated in MOP which don’t involve ALL the nations. Unless you divvied up all the money in the first place and didn’t have an integrated economic policy you can’t say that there are Southron only issues. And if you don’t have an integrated economic policy, what do you have? Independence?
The long and the short of it is, the evel law means that there are two classes of MOP members. And the Northrons are definitely being asked to travel second class. Don’t be fooled by any Prime Mover rhetoric. You can’t trust him. But he has the power, if not the glory. And he’s on a one-way path to a First Class One Nation building exercise. You couldn’t make it up. Not and expect to be believed.
I said that this is a serial and so you can’t expect an ending of any kind – and definitely not a happy one – but it’s just occurred to Scott that the second class citizen thing might be turned to some advantage. Remember you have to do things when they least expect them?
Well, guess what? The date set for the first Evel issues to be debated is 30th November. That’s a good date anyway, isn’t it? Flags may be flying in the Northron lands. They won’t be flying over the Prime Mover’s house this year, of course, not now he’s got what he wanted – a bunch of second class serfs with no power, and soon enough with no means to generate their own power – take that whichever way you will – renewables, steel, coal, fracking, voting.
So here’s a thought. On the 30th November, the One Nation Gnomes will all be in the MOP debating their own little evel plans for the first time. The other Three Nations will be out of the building. Which means there will probably be enough seats for the One Nations all to have a good view and plenty of elbow room (see, they’ve solved Scott’s problem of overcrowding, not fit for purpose there too, surely he should see the progress!).
I shouldn’t say it, of course, because it might be considered unpatriotic, but what a jolly good date to have fireworks in the chamber! BOOM! Problem sorted. The road to independence starts here. Don’t take me seriously; after all, it’s just a Game of Gnomes. But don’t tell me you won’t be looking just that little bit more closely at your chosen media outlet on 30th November all the same.
About the Author
G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.