Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series One
by Rab Christie
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE TEN - Be the change you want to see.
_____________________________________________________________________
We left Scott between a rock and a hard place. Powerless. His good ideas were just being used to light pipes. And it’s not as if they were knocked out into overfull wastepaper bins which then spontaneously caught fire and, due to an ineffective sprinkler system, threatened any real damage – though there’s a thought!
Back in the world we are forced to call reality, #TeamMacGnome was being blocked at every turn. The future was looking bleak. But look at the date. November 4th. Ring any bells? It’s not the sun that’ll come out tomorrow, is it?
You wouldn’t really blame Scott if he set a match to the whole place, now would you? You’d think (as long as he gave warning to the staff at least, maybe to the members, or those who were worth ‘saving’) that probably he was doing us all a favour by burning the place to the ground. Shock and Awe comes home like three lions on a shirt now that there’s no Rugby to dream about. It’s the One Nation way, isn’t it? If it doesn’t do what you want, blow it up, burn it down or bomb the ass off it. And blame someone else.
Of course, no one is condoning violence or wanton destruction of property. But think of the money that could be made on the contract to re-build. And remember that the MOP is far, far more than just a building and a set of impenetrable traditions. Isn’t it? Is it? How would one ‘bring it down’? Just what would it take? Is it even possible? I’m beginning to doubt it.
Still, in our story, as they say in EuroGnome land ‘les jeux sont fait’. Everything sat ready for some, shall we say, ‘redecoration’. Or should I say, total annihilation of the MOP. But wait a minute. It can’t happen today, or tomorrow. That would be too obvious, wouldn’t it? It’s kind of been tried before.
Before we move on, let’s just recap what’s happened thus far. In case you’ve forgotten, or lost the will to live (it happens as the nights draw ever inward). Scott had tried a number of tactics thus far. He’d tried to get Only the Lonely to realise that the Northron’s were not going to help his cause and that he’d be better to take a gnomanitarian stance on refugees, get them onto the electoral register in Southron lands and as a ‘thank you very much’ they might just vote for him on his ‘social equality platform’ and return him to change things to the way he wanted them to be. But Only the Lonely didn’t really buy that. For some reason, he still thought it imperative to have Four Nations under the control of the One Nation. He’d obviously read too much Tolkien. One ring to bind them, anyone?
Scott had tried the head on, more formal approach. Making helpful suggestions, even though there wasn’t a suggestion box to put them in. That had just ended up with him getting his face planted against the wall and some rather dirty threats issued his way.
But, perhaps third time lucky, in the bowels of the MOP he had garnered some support from a few of the new fringe. These were the members of the Ineffective Opposition who didn’t want to become part of Only the Lonely’s new proto-effective opposition but wanted to set up an effective opposition of their own. We’ll just call them the New Fringe and leave it at that.
They were a very small fringe. But they bought Scott a drink one night in the bar and suggested that there was another way to skin the proverbial cat. They just didn’t know it and he seemed to be an ideas man, so they wondered what ideas could he share with them.
Scott shared. And maybe they took his metaphors a stage too far. Or maybe that’s what he intended all along. Depends how smart you think Scott actually is. Me, I think he’s pretty smart. Smart enough anyway.
So, this very day – because we’re right up to the minute here on Gnome Nation – if you were in the converted stationery cupboard which served as Scott’s office, and if walls had ears and you were a fly on the wall – or a GnomeCHQ bugger (apologies for the language) – you would have heard Scott talk with his oppo in the Ineffective Opposition, known only as Head Fringe and if you could understand his accent – which of course isn’t a given if you’re a Southron gnome – you’d have heard him point out a flaw in the plan.
‘You’ll have to wait a while,’ Scott said, ‘till they least expect it.’
‘When will that be?’ his nameless oppo replied, flicking his Zippo lighter on and off in an alarming manner.
‘After the 5th, anyway,’ said Scott.
But the oppo didn’t listen. He thought he’d get in there early. And so on the 4th November 2015 a gnome – dressed as a clown and described in the media as such – was caught attempting an arson attack on the MOP. You don’t believe me? You couldn’t make this up.
It was dismissed as ‘high jinks’. It wasn’t a ‘serious credible terrorist threat’. It was just a piece of nonsense. Especially when it was noted that the clown/gnome thought he’d done it on the 400th anniversary of the original attempt. Only to be told that his maths was weak and it was in fact the 410th anniversary. And if they couldn’t do it then, how could they do it now. The religious terror threat was not considered credible by GnomeCHQ and they know everything. Really. Everything. They probably even know about this. Some poor sod has the job of sitting sifting through all the banal data in the world and trying to distinguish fact from fiction. Truth from lies. Good luck with that one. No wonder Edward SnowGnome went rogue.
But with regard to the big blow-up that wasn’t. Maybe you’re thinking it was a good chance wasted. Oh, come on. Scott MacGnome’s not that stupid. Let me ask you two questions:
Question One: If you were going to blow up the MOP, when’s the time they’d least expect it?
Answer: After someone has just tried (and failed) to blow it up.
Question Two: If you were going to blow up the MOP, when would be a good date to do it? November 5th or another date in November? Another significant date for MacGnomes?
I think I may have given too much away. But hey, it’s only fiction, isn’t it? It’s not really a terrorist threat. GnomeCHQ don’t need to get their knickers in a twist on this one. It’s not like I’m Edward SnowGnome after all. I’m just a wannabe satirist, plying my trade to anyone who will listen. Welcome to the SnowDome. For those who are already counting the days down to Christmas, let’s hope that there’s something more exciting happens before then.
To conclude then. No one has blown up the MOP. There still aren’t enough seats for the members to all attend a debate, but it doesn’t matter because the debates aren’t worth attending and most of the members don’t bother anyway. They have more important things to do like flip their houses and get creative with their expenses and convince their gnomes back home that they are one of the good guys. When anything goes wrong the cry is ‘It wisnae me’ in every accent of the Four Gnomic Nations.
And the dirty old river has to keep rolling on while the Gnomes in Parliament look for other fish to fry. Remember. No one has pushed any button. Yet. But pushing buttons is inevitable, isn’t it? Not the BIG button, of course. Not the big deterrent button to end all buttons. We just keep that there as a fetish object while we press every other little ugly button at our disposal.
But Gnomes do love to push buttons. Especially shiny ones. And at the present, to relieve the boredom, the One Nation gnomes (and not a few of the Ineffective Opposition gnomes aiming for what they consider to be credibility – now there’s a joke) are more concerned with how to bomb the hell out of their neighbours without looking like they are bombing the hell out of their neighbours. And keeping the refugee migrants at bay. They’re still sore at Scott for that one. Social justice and equality don’t quite have the same cache as the opportunity to compare your buttons and work out who can press what when where. Why? Because we can. That’s the law of buttons, folks.
And while we’re talking of pressing buttons, real and metaphorical, Scott would do well to remember that there are plenty of fingers hovering over the starter for ten button on his future. Yes, there are always buttons to be pressed. Like comedy, it’s only a matter of timing. And that’s your cliff-hanger for today, my friends.
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE TEN - Be the change you want to see.
_____________________________________________________________________
We left Scott between a rock and a hard place. Powerless. His good ideas were just being used to light pipes. And it’s not as if they were knocked out into overfull wastepaper bins which then spontaneously caught fire and, due to an ineffective sprinkler system, threatened any real damage – though there’s a thought!
Back in the world we are forced to call reality, #TeamMacGnome was being blocked at every turn. The future was looking bleak. But look at the date. November 4th. Ring any bells? It’s not the sun that’ll come out tomorrow, is it?
You wouldn’t really blame Scott if he set a match to the whole place, now would you? You’d think (as long as he gave warning to the staff at least, maybe to the members, or those who were worth ‘saving’) that probably he was doing us all a favour by burning the place to the ground. Shock and Awe comes home like three lions on a shirt now that there’s no Rugby to dream about. It’s the One Nation way, isn’t it? If it doesn’t do what you want, blow it up, burn it down or bomb the ass off it. And blame someone else.
Of course, no one is condoning violence or wanton destruction of property. But think of the money that could be made on the contract to re-build. And remember that the MOP is far, far more than just a building and a set of impenetrable traditions. Isn’t it? Is it? How would one ‘bring it down’? Just what would it take? Is it even possible? I’m beginning to doubt it.
Still, in our story, as they say in EuroGnome land ‘les jeux sont fait’. Everything sat ready for some, shall we say, ‘redecoration’. Or should I say, total annihilation of the MOP. But wait a minute. It can’t happen today, or tomorrow. That would be too obvious, wouldn’t it? It’s kind of been tried before.
Before we move on, let’s just recap what’s happened thus far. In case you’ve forgotten, or lost the will to live (it happens as the nights draw ever inward). Scott had tried a number of tactics thus far. He’d tried to get Only the Lonely to realise that the Northron’s were not going to help his cause and that he’d be better to take a gnomanitarian stance on refugees, get them onto the electoral register in Southron lands and as a ‘thank you very much’ they might just vote for him on his ‘social equality platform’ and return him to change things to the way he wanted them to be. But Only the Lonely didn’t really buy that. For some reason, he still thought it imperative to have Four Nations under the control of the One Nation. He’d obviously read too much Tolkien. One ring to bind them, anyone?
Scott had tried the head on, more formal approach. Making helpful suggestions, even though there wasn’t a suggestion box to put them in. That had just ended up with him getting his face planted against the wall and some rather dirty threats issued his way.
But, perhaps third time lucky, in the bowels of the MOP he had garnered some support from a few of the new fringe. These were the members of the Ineffective Opposition who didn’t want to become part of Only the Lonely’s new proto-effective opposition but wanted to set up an effective opposition of their own. We’ll just call them the New Fringe and leave it at that.
They were a very small fringe. But they bought Scott a drink one night in the bar and suggested that there was another way to skin the proverbial cat. They just didn’t know it and he seemed to be an ideas man, so they wondered what ideas could he share with them.
Scott shared. And maybe they took his metaphors a stage too far. Or maybe that’s what he intended all along. Depends how smart you think Scott actually is. Me, I think he’s pretty smart. Smart enough anyway.
So, this very day – because we’re right up to the minute here on Gnome Nation – if you were in the converted stationery cupboard which served as Scott’s office, and if walls had ears and you were a fly on the wall – or a GnomeCHQ bugger (apologies for the language) – you would have heard Scott talk with his oppo in the Ineffective Opposition, known only as Head Fringe and if you could understand his accent – which of course isn’t a given if you’re a Southron gnome – you’d have heard him point out a flaw in the plan.
‘You’ll have to wait a while,’ Scott said, ‘till they least expect it.’
‘When will that be?’ his nameless oppo replied, flicking his Zippo lighter on and off in an alarming manner.
‘After the 5th, anyway,’ said Scott.
But the oppo didn’t listen. He thought he’d get in there early. And so on the 4th November 2015 a gnome – dressed as a clown and described in the media as such – was caught attempting an arson attack on the MOP. You don’t believe me? You couldn’t make this up.
It was dismissed as ‘high jinks’. It wasn’t a ‘serious credible terrorist threat’. It was just a piece of nonsense. Especially when it was noted that the clown/gnome thought he’d done it on the 400th anniversary of the original attempt. Only to be told that his maths was weak and it was in fact the 410th anniversary. And if they couldn’t do it then, how could they do it now. The religious terror threat was not considered credible by GnomeCHQ and they know everything. Really. Everything. They probably even know about this. Some poor sod has the job of sitting sifting through all the banal data in the world and trying to distinguish fact from fiction. Truth from lies. Good luck with that one. No wonder Edward SnowGnome went rogue.
But with regard to the big blow-up that wasn’t. Maybe you’re thinking it was a good chance wasted. Oh, come on. Scott MacGnome’s not that stupid. Let me ask you two questions:
Question One: If you were going to blow up the MOP, when’s the time they’d least expect it?
Answer: After someone has just tried (and failed) to blow it up.
Question Two: If you were going to blow up the MOP, when would be a good date to do it? November 5th or another date in November? Another significant date for MacGnomes?
I think I may have given too much away. But hey, it’s only fiction, isn’t it? It’s not really a terrorist threat. GnomeCHQ don’t need to get their knickers in a twist on this one. It’s not like I’m Edward SnowGnome after all. I’m just a wannabe satirist, plying my trade to anyone who will listen. Welcome to the SnowDome. For those who are already counting the days down to Christmas, let’s hope that there’s something more exciting happens before then.
To conclude then. No one has blown up the MOP. There still aren’t enough seats for the members to all attend a debate, but it doesn’t matter because the debates aren’t worth attending and most of the members don’t bother anyway. They have more important things to do like flip their houses and get creative with their expenses and convince their gnomes back home that they are one of the good guys. When anything goes wrong the cry is ‘It wisnae me’ in every accent of the Four Gnomic Nations.
And the dirty old river has to keep rolling on while the Gnomes in Parliament look for other fish to fry. Remember. No one has pushed any button. Yet. But pushing buttons is inevitable, isn’t it? Not the BIG button, of course. Not the big deterrent button to end all buttons. We just keep that there as a fetish object while we press every other little ugly button at our disposal.
But Gnomes do love to push buttons. Especially shiny ones. And at the present, to relieve the boredom, the One Nation gnomes (and not a few of the Ineffective Opposition gnomes aiming for what they consider to be credibility – now there’s a joke) are more concerned with how to bomb the hell out of their neighbours without looking like they are bombing the hell out of their neighbours. And keeping the refugee migrants at bay. They’re still sore at Scott for that one. Social justice and equality don’t quite have the same cache as the opportunity to compare your buttons and work out who can press what when where. Why? Because we can. That’s the law of buttons, folks.
And while we’re talking of pressing buttons, real and metaphorical, Scott would do well to remember that there are plenty of fingers hovering over the starter for ten button on his future. Yes, there are always buttons to be pressed. Like comedy, it’s only a matter of timing. And that’s your cliff-hanger for today, my friends.
About the Author
G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.