Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series One
by Rab Christie
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE THREE - Four into One won't go.
_____________________________________________________________________
We’ve already established that there aren’t enough seats in the Mother of All Parliaments set on the Dirty Old River in Das Capital. This might give you pause for thought. If they can’t even sort out enough seating for all their members, how do they think they can run four nations? This was a question that came up time and again on Scott’s media feed. And he didn’t have an answer. Not one that you could publicise. I think, if we’re honest, we all know the answer in our hearts! We don’t need a gnome to point it out. Not even a MacGnome.
Scott learned quickly that numbers do seem to be something of an issue in the MOP (it’s time to stop writing it out in full all the time, or you’ll start thinking I’m being paid by the word. I’m not.) First of all they didn’t seem to be able to come up with a seating solution other than making things so boring that no one would want to go to the debating chamber. Which, the One Nation Gnome member for suburban south had pointed out, was a system that had served us well for nearly a century. Second, and perhaps more importantly, the One Nation Gnomes denied that there was more than One Nation in the MOP.
The argument (specious as it is) was delivered in the MOP chamber early on in the proceedings. It was one of those days where they seemed to be doing nothing more than trying to break the will of anyone who attended the chamber (which meant all 56 #TeamMacGnomers) by being as boring and long-winded as possible.
It was one of those chicken/egg questions. No one has ever worked out whether this was a policy that was adopted as soon as they televised events at the MOP, so that people watching would get quickly bored and give up on their new right of access to what their representatives were actually doing on their behalf, or whether the policy had always been in place and just by happy chance meant that two birds or eggs were killed with one stone.
But however boring things got, Scott was determined to turn up. He was being paid. This was his job. Four days a week he had to spend some time in the chamber. No wonder people fought to get on committees, though. Previously Scott had found meetings and committees the most boring thing imaginable. But Debates in the MOP chamber made such things look amateurish in the boring stakes.
Scott sat back and watched the fine art of balderdash in action and tried to stay awake, knowing that at least a hard core of his constituents were sharing the pain with him, albeit vicariously, via GnomeTV. There was no problem getting a seat now. Less than a week after the Kick off of the New Term (although all the ceremonials still had to be completed) the chamber was pretty empty. #TeamMacGnome could pick pretty much any seat they liked (as long as they didn’t sit on the Government side) and the ‘effective opposition’ were notable by their absence. They were busy rebranding as the ‘ineffectual opposition’ which was a much closer fit to their joint persona.
Most of the One Nation Government were conspicuous by their absence too. Scott had no idea where they all went 4 days a week. But he was ‘in the house’. He didn’t have an office yet so he wasn’t even tempted to hang out there and he assumed that there probably weren’t enough offices to go round so he assumed that many of those who ‘knew the ropes’ were entrenched in their offices pretending to work and killing several birds of their own with the odd stone thrown out of the window – if they had an office with a window.
Then someone said something that made Scott sit up and take notice. It was the Prime Mover (Prime Monster, you might think) talking about how important it was that Gnomes worked together since ‘we are all one nation’.
That got Scott’s MacGoat. You will be as aware as he was that Gnomeland is made up of Four distinct Nations. They play sport as four distinct nations, after all – apart from in Gnome Olympics where they pretend to be One Nation. The Four Nations of Gnomeland (in case you really don’t know) are the Northrons, The Wests, the Southrons and the Over the Waters. These tended to be referred to colloquially as the Sweaties, the Valleys, the Urbanes and the Troublers. As with all colloquial nomenclature it was pretty inaccurate as a description of most of the population of any of the nations BUT it did at least pay respect to the fact of difference.
If you know your recent Gnomic history you’ll know that Scott was an Independent MacGnome and they are particularly hot on the concept of distinct Nations – and so he wanted to have his say on the Prime Mover’s patronising and inaccurate statement.
But he couldn’t. He might have a seat, but one of the more arcane and aggravating rules of the MOP was that until and unless you made your ‘maiden’ speech you couldn’t talk in the MOP chamber. But that wasn’t good enough for Scott. Even knowing he could be about to get thrown out, he stood up, waved a bit of paper around to gain attention of the Speaker (which is the person who allows all the others to speak, and acts pretty much like a referee to the game of Gnomes – and is about as impartial as most referees are) and he did manage to get his attention.
But the Speaker Gnome was smart. He knew Scott couldn’t speak and he told him to sit down until he was eligible. It caused a bit of a commotion as Scott said, ‘I’m not sitting down, we are not One Nation, we are four nations and I will be heard on this.’
‘No you won’t,’ said the Speaker Gnome, but of course actually he already had been. And his comment was enough to get one of the Old Gnomes from the Ineffective Opposition from the Valleys to jump on board the bandwagon and make the point – and he couldn’t be silenced.
‘We are not One Nation,’ said the Valley man. ‘We are four very distinct Nations with four identities and the honourable Prime Mover should take care to remember this and not disparage the percentage of members who do not accord with his One Nation stance.’
The Prime Mover winced just a little, but since he had been returned by a majority due to the ineptitude of the ineffective oppositions of all four nations, he wasn’t that worried. And besides that, he’d been groomed for this sort of banter since birth. He knew the rules. He didn’t just know them, he rewrote them at will and called it policy.
‘My point,’ he said, ‘is that we are four nations who become One Nation when we step into these walls to govern. We are not disparate, we all have one goal and that is Unity.’
This set quite a hubbub up in the MOP Chamber. Most of the #TeamMacGnome hadn’t had their maiden speeches so they couldn’t legitimately speak but they felt pretty illegitimate in the face of this nonsense so they started shouting together, ‘Four into One won’t go. Four into One won’t go.’
The TV broadcasters didn’t know what to do. This was like anarchy (which would not be good for advertising revenue) and they pulled the programme from the airwaves – ‘technical difficulties’, they called it– so you won’t have seen what happened next.
But I can tell you because Scott took pictures and told me what happened. Which was that the Speaker told everyone to ‘shut up and sit down or be ejected and suspended’ which sounds a particularly unpleasant combination of actions for anyone to be subjected to.
‘You cannot behave like that in this place,’ he said. ‘You must obey the rules. And I am going to stop this Debate right now and instead we are going to give you all a lesson in the rules. There will be a test and anyone who doesn’t score over 60% on the test will not be allowed back in the Chamber until he’s done a resit.’
It’s sort of like a citizenship test then. Let’s call it the One Nation test. And #TeamMacGnome were all subjected to this test and made to sign something to show they understood the rules and agreed to abide by them. Angus signed to say he understood but he said he didn’t agree to abide by them until they were enshrined into the constitution – and on that point of order (which was actually a clever way of turning the political tables round that Scott noted – and we all could learn from) the test was abandoned and the MacGnomes were ‘bound on their honour’ not to cause trouble or bring the MOP into disrepute.
Angus and Scott laughed (in a hollow, sardonic kind of way) about this late at night in their shared accommodation.
‘How do you bring a dung heap into disrepute?’ Angus asked, rhetorically of course.
‘My honour binds me to changing the way things are run in this cesspool,’ Scott replied – ‘that’s why I’m here. Not to learn their rules, to change the rules. That’s what people want.’
‘Of course it is,’ Angus replied. ‘All in good time. We’ve got them worried already but there’s a lot more work to do. Don’t burn yourself out in the first month, Scott. A lot of people are relying on us and we’ve got to work smart and hard.’
And that’s something we could all do with pausing to think about. Work smart and work hard and don’t give up till the job is done. But in the long run, in serials as in life, pacing is as important as timing is in comedy. So that’s where we stop for this week.
However, with all the tests and speeches in the world, the point remains. Four into one won’t go. Not without creating fractions.
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE THREE - Four into One won't go.
_____________________________________________________________________
We’ve already established that there aren’t enough seats in the Mother of All Parliaments set on the Dirty Old River in Das Capital. This might give you pause for thought. If they can’t even sort out enough seating for all their members, how do they think they can run four nations? This was a question that came up time and again on Scott’s media feed. And he didn’t have an answer. Not one that you could publicise. I think, if we’re honest, we all know the answer in our hearts! We don’t need a gnome to point it out. Not even a MacGnome.
Scott learned quickly that numbers do seem to be something of an issue in the MOP (it’s time to stop writing it out in full all the time, or you’ll start thinking I’m being paid by the word. I’m not.) First of all they didn’t seem to be able to come up with a seating solution other than making things so boring that no one would want to go to the debating chamber. Which, the One Nation Gnome member for suburban south had pointed out, was a system that had served us well for nearly a century. Second, and perhaps more importantly, the One Nation Gnomes denied that there was more than One Nation in the MOP.
The argument (specious as it is) was delivered in the MOP chamber early on in the proceedings. It was one of those days where they seemed to be doing nothing more than trying to break the will of anyone who attended the chamber (which meant all 56 #TeamMacGnomers) by being as boring and long-winded as possible.
It was one of those chicken/egg questions. No one has ever worked out whether this was a policy that was adopted as soon as they televised events at the MOP, so that people watching would get quickly bored and give up on their new right of access to what their representatives were actually doing on their behalf, or whether the policy had always been in place and just by happy chance meant that two birds or eggs were killed with one stone.
But however boring things got, Scott was determined to turn up. He was being paid. This was his job. Four days a week he had to spend some time in the chamber. No wonder people fought to get on committees, though. Previously Scott had found meetings and committees the most boring thing imaginable. But Debates in the MOP chamber made such things look amateurish in the boring stakes.
Scott sat back and watched the fine art of balderdash in action and tried to stay awake, knowing that at least a hard core of his constituents were sharing the pain with him, albeit vicariously, via GnomeTV. There was no problem getting a seat now. Less than a week after the Kick off of the New Term (although all the ceremonials still had to be completed) the chamber was pretty empty. #TeamMacGnome could pick pretty much any seat they liked (as long as they didn’t sit on the Government side) and the ‘effective opposition’ were notable by their absence. They were busy rebranding as the ‘ineffectual opposition’ which was a much closer fit to their joint persona.
Most of the One Nation Government were conspicuous by their absence too. Scott had no idea where they all went 4 days a week. But he was ‘in the house’. He didn’t have an office yet so he wasn’t even tempted to hang out there and he assumed that there probably weren’t enough offices to go round so he assumed that many of those who ‘knew the ropes’ were entrenched in their offices pretending to work and killing several birds of their own with the odd stone thrown out of the window – if they had an office with a window.
Then someone said something that made Scott sit up and take notice. It was the Prime Mover (Prime Monster, you might think) talking about how important it was that Gnomes worked together since ‘we are all one nation’.
That got Scott’s MacGoat. You will be as aware as he was that Gnomeland is made up of Four distinct Nations. They play sport as four distinct nations, after all – apart from in Gnome Olympics where they pretend to be One Nation. The Four Nations of Gnomeland (in case you really don’t know) are the Northrons, The Wests, the Southrons and the Over the Waters. These tended to be referred to colloquially as the Sweaties, the Valleys, the Urbanes and the Troublers. As with all colloquial nomenclature it was pretty inaccurate as a description of most of the population of any of the nations BUT it did at least pay respect to the fact of difference.
If you know your recent Gnomic history you’ll know that Scott was an Independent MacGnome and they are particularly hot on the concept of distinct Nations – and so he wanted to have his say on the Prime Mover’s patronising and inaccurate statement.
But he couldn’t. He might have a seat, but one of the more arcane and aggravating rules of the MOP was that until and unless you made your ‘maiden’ speech you couldn’t talk in the MOP chamber. But that wasn’t good enough for Scott. Even knowing he could be about to get thrown out, he stood up, waved a bit of paper around to gain attention of the Speaker (which is the person who allows all the others to speak, and acts pretty much like a referee to the game of Gnomes – and is about as impartial as most referees are) and he did manage to get his attention.
But the Speaker Gnome was smart. He knew Scott couldn’t speak and he told him to sit down until he was eligible. It caused a bit of a commotion as Scott said, ‘I’m not sitting down, we are not One Nation, we are four nations and I will be heard on this.’
‘No you won’t,’ said the Speaker Gnome, but of course actually he already had been. And his comment was enough to get one of the Old Gnomes from the Ineffective Opposition from the Valleys to jump on board the bandwagon and make the point – and he couldn’t be silenced.
‘We are not One Nation,’ said the Valley man. ‘We are four very distinct Nations with four identities and the honourable Prime Mover should take care to remember this and not disparage the percentage of members who do not accord with his One Nation stance.’
The Prime Mover winced just a little, but since he had been returned by a majority due to the ineptitude of the ineffective oppositions of all four nations, he wasn’t that worried. And besides that, he’d been groomed for this sort of banter since birth. He knew the rules. He didn’t just know them, he rewrote them at will and called it policy.
‘My point,’ he said, ‘is that we are four nations who become One Nation when we step into these walls to govern. We are not disparate, we all have one goal and that is Unity.’
This set quite a hubbub up in the MOP Chamber. Most of the #TeamMacGnome hadn’t had their maiden speeches so they couldn’t legitimately speak but they felt pretty illegitimate in the face of this nonsense so they started shouting together, ‘Four into One won’t go. Four into One won’t go.’
The TV broadcasters didn’t know what to do. This was like anarchy (which would not be good for advertising revenue) and they pulled the programme from the airwaves – ‘technical difficulties’, they called it– so you won’t have seen what happened next.
But I can tell you because Scott took pictures and told me what happened. Which was that the Speaker told everyone to ‘shut up and sit down or be ejected and suspended’ which sounds a particularly unpleasant combination of actions for anyone to be subjected to.
‘You cannot behave like that in this place,’ he said. ‘You must obey the rules. And I am going to stop this Debate right now and instead we are going to give you all a lesson in the rules. There will be a test and anyone who doesn’t score over 60% on the test will not be allowed back in the Chamber until he’s done a resit.’
It’s sort of like a citizenship test then. Let’s call it the One Nation test. And #TeamMacGnome were all subjected to this test and made to sign something to show they understood the rules and agreed to abide by them. Angus signed to say he understood but he said he didn’t agree to abide by them until they were enshrined into the constitution – and on that point of order (which was actually a clever way of turning the political tables round that Scott noted – and we all could learn from) the test was abandoned and the MacGnomes were ‘bound on their honour’ not to cause trouble or bring the MOP into disrepute.
Angus and Scott laughed (in a hollow, sardonic kind of way) about this late at night in their shared accommodation.
‘How do you bring a dung heap into disrepute?’ Angus asked, rhetorically of course.
‘My honour binds me to changing the way things are run in this cesspool,’ Scott replied – ‘that’s why I’m here. Not to learn their rules, to change the rules. That’s what people want.’
‘Of course it is,’ Angus replied. ‘All in good time. We’ve got them worried already but there’s a lot more work to do. Don’t burn yourself out in the first month, Scott. A lot of people are relying on us and we’ve got to work smart and hard.’
And that’s something we could all do with pausing to think about. Work smart and work hard and don’t give up till the job is done. But in the long run, in serials as in life, pacing is as important as timing is in comedy. So that’s where we stop for this week.
However, with all the tests and speeches in the world, the point remains. Four into one won’t go. Not without creating fractions.
About the Author
G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.