Jack MacRoary's Big Brexit Blethers
Episode Five
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: They’ve made a dog’s Brexit of it.
Swearwords: None.
Description: They’ve made a dog’s Brexit of it.
I have been thinking about when Theresa May went to the Queen. I bet the queen gave her as much trouble over messing things up in the election as we got over our Shug the Slug ‘caper’ on election day, but you know what, she deserves it. We are all gutted.
But that’s not the end of it. For one thing Brian had two hundred blue slugs kicking around in a cereal box under his bed. He said he had plans for them. And then he told me his plan.
Brian decided to send the slugs to 10 Downing Street in a protest. I said it was a bad idea and we might get arrested for terrorists or extremists – and that we are old enough to be arrested and put in prison, even though according to Theresa May we are not old enough to vote. And Brian said that he would make the ultimate sacrifice and put Shug the Slug in with the rest of them, so that when there was ‘explaining’ to do, Shug could do it.
I know it was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t get Brian to change his mind. He’s like that. So I said, ‘Brian, she won’t understand Shug’s accent’ and finally that convinced him. Or so he told me. Next thing I know, he’s posted them in the post-box. Shug and all. I had to sit around all day and wait for the collection and tell the postie what Brian had done. And after the postie had stopped laughing and saying what a great idea it was, he agreed that really it wasn’t that great an idea because Theresa May doesn’t look like the kind of woman who could take a joke. So we ‘disposed’ of the slugs. I felt bad about that, so I took Shug out of the box before we got rid of them, and put him a new matchbox and kept him for a few days and then let him loose outside Brian’s house and went and knocked on Brian to come out. And then acted amazed when Brian spotted him and picked him up.
‘Wow,’ I said, ‘he’s one clever slug. I never knew there was such a thing as a homing slug.’
And Brian looked at me with a hard stare and said, ‘Of course, I told him to report back. See, I told you he was clever.’
‘So let’s hear him talk?’ I said.
And Brian said, ‘No, he won’t talk to you because you don’t believe in him.’ But later Brian relented and told me the story that Shug had told him about his visit to 10 Downing Street and how he’d given Theresa May our demands. Now of course I know that this isn’t true, but I didn’t want to challenge Brian, so I didn’t call him on it.
Then when he finished his story he said, ‘You do believe me, don’t you?’
And I said, ‘Yes, of course, why?’
And he said, ‘Because you are my best friend and I wanted to make you happy.’
And then he added, ‘It’s not real, you know, it’s just a story.’
And I said, ‘Yeah, but Brian, it’s a great story and it could be true.’
And right then, something amazing happened. And you probably won’t believe me. Shug, who had been snacking on the salt lined matchbox, grew bigger and bigger and I swear I heard him shout out ‘Tory B***’ as he exploded.
And you may think I’m lying or stupid or both – but it’s all a matter of perspective. I prefer to think of it as an example of the power of narrative, the resilience of the human spirit and a way to connect as human beings –through laughter.
And let’s face it. How much more incredible is it than a story which tells you that we are all going to thrive after Brexit and everything will be okay in the long run and we are all united in Britain and swapping UKIP for the DUP is going to be anything other than a disaster in the long term.
Dad says Europe will get their revenge on us, big-style.
‘Perhaps we shouldn’t have sent John out there?’ I said. You might think that’s a mean thing to say, but I was only thinking that John does have the ‘propensity to cause chaos’, at least that’s what one of his old school reports said.
Dad laughed at that and reminded me that John hadn’t been headed for Europe but he’d kind of taken a wrong turn.
‘And will they even let him back in again after Brexit?’ I asked. ‘What with when they stop free movement of people.’
There’s a lot that hasn’t been fully thought out in this whole Brexit thing. And I’m not the only one who thinks Theresa May isn’t the right woman for the job.
‘Never mind that,’ said mum. ‘It’s the job that’s wrong, whoever does it.’
And she’s right.
Some people say that there’ll be another general election any day soon. But then some said there would be IndyRef 2 and others say that’s ‘dead in the water’. I don’t know if you want my opinion on it all, but I’m not going to give you it. You know why? Because it’s the summer holidays and I don’t want to have to think about it all till I go back to school – if I go back to school – because I’m beginning to regret saying I’d take Higher Modern Studies if I got the grades. If the professionals being paid good money to work it all out can’t do that, how do they expect me to be able to? I think a famous person once said ‘nobody knows anything.’ And whoever it was, I think they might be right. Seems to me that politics is about as predictable as the weather. And dad says you can’t do anything about the weather except ‘accept the consequences.’
Breaking announcement. I’m off the hook. Mr McStoryteller just got in touch. He wants me to give up my McSerial slot to another writer. A girl. Well, she’s a woman actually, and quite a woman. I’d want her to be my girlfriend if she wasn’t already married but she is. She’s called Sara Clark and she’s been published by Mr McStoryteller too. Anyway, she’s also writing ‘political satire with a twist’ and so she’s going to be taking over for the next couple of weeks. So if you come here next week you won’t find me, you’ll find Sara, and I hope you give her a good warm McStorytellers welcome.
But that’s not the end of it. For one thing Brian had two hundred blue slugs kicking around in a cereal box under his bed. He said he had plans for them. And then he told me his plan.
Brian decided to send the slugs to 10 Downing Street in a protest. I said it was a bad idea and we might get arrested for terrorists or extremists – and that we are old enough to be arrested and put in prison, even though according to Theresa May we are not old enough to vote. And Brian said that he would make the ultimate sacrifice and put Shug the Slug in with the rest of them, so that when there was ‘explaining’ to do, Shug could do it.
I know it was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t get Brian to change his mind. He’s like that. So I said, ‘Brian, she won’t understand Shug’s accent’ and finally that convinced him. Or so he told me. Next thing I know, he’s posted them in the post-box. Shug and all. I had to sit around all day and wait for the collection and tell the postie what Brian had done. And after the postie had stopped laughing and saying what a great idea it was, he agreed that really it wasn’t that great an idea because Theresa May doesn’t look like the kind of woman who could take a joke. So we ‘disposed’ of the slugs. I felt bad about that, so I took Shug out of the box before we got rid of them, and put him a new matchbox and kept him for a few days and then let him loose outside Brian’s house and went and knocked on Brian to come out. And then acted amazed when Brian spotted him and picked him up.
‘Wow,’ I said, ‘he’s one clever slug. I never knew there was such a thing as a homing slug.’
And Brian looked at me with a hard stare and said, ‘Of course, I told him to report back. See, I told you he was clever.’
‘So let’s hear him talk?’ I said.
And Brian said, ‘No, he won’t talk to you because you don’t believe in him.’ But later Brian relented and told me the story that Shug had told him about his visit to 10 Downing Street and how he’d given Theresa May our demands. Now of course I know that this isn’t true, but I didn’t want to challenge Brian, so I didn’t call him on it.
Then when he finished his story he said, ‘You do believe me, don’t you?’
And I said, ‘Yes, of course, why?’
And he said, ‘Because you are my best friend and I wanted to make you happy.’
And then he added, ‘It’s not real, you know, it’s just a story.’
And I said, ‘Yeah, but Brian, it’s a great story and it could be true.’
And right then, something amazing happened. And you probably won’t believe me. Shug, who had been snacking on the salt lined matchbox, grew bigger and bigger and I swear I heard him shout out ‘Tory B***’ as he exploded.
And you may think I’m lying or stupid or both – but it’s all a matter of perspective. I prefer to think of it as an example of the power of narrative, the resilience of the human spirit and a way to connect as human beings –through laughter.
And let’s face it. How much more incredible is it than a story which tells you that we are all going to thrive after Brexit and everything will be okay in the long run and we are all united in Britain and swapping UKIP for the DUP is going to be anything other than a disaster in the long term.
Dad says Europe will get their revenge on us, big-style.
‘Perhaps we shouldn’t have sent John out there?’ I said. You might think that’s a mean thing to say, but I was only thinking that John does have the ‘propensity to cause chaos’, at least that’s what one of his old school reports said.
Dad laughed at that and reminded me that John hadn’t been headed for Europe but he’d kind of taken a wrong turn.
‘And will they even let him back in again after Brexit?’ I asked. ‘What with when they stop free movement of people.’
There’s a lot that hasn’t been fully thought out in this whole Brexit thing. And I’m not the only one who thinks Theresa May isn’t the right woman for the job.
‘Never mind that,’ said mum. ‘It’s the job that’s wrong, whoever does it.’
And she’s right.
Some people say that there’ll be another general election any day soon. But then some said there would be IndyRef 2 and others say that’s ‘dead in the water’. I don’t know if you want my opinion on it all, but I’m not going to give you it. You know why? Because it’s the summer holidays and I don’t want to have to think about it all till I go back to school – if I go back to school – because I’m beginning to regret saying I’d take Higher Modern Studies if I got the grades. If the professionals being paid good money to work it all out can’t do that, how do they expect me to be able to? I think a famous person once said ‘nobody knows anything.’ And whoever it was, I think they might be right. Seems to me that politics is about as predictable as the weather. And dad says you can’t do anything about the weather except ‘accept the consequences.’
Breaking announcement. I’m off the hook. Mr McStoryteller just got in touch. He wants me to give up my McSerial slot to another writer. A girl. Well, she’s a woman actually, and quite a woman. I’d want her to be my girlfriend if she wasn’t already married but she is. She’s called Sara Clark and she’s been published by Mr McStoryteller too. Anyway, she’s also writing ‘political satire with a twist’ and so she’s going to be taking over for the next couple of weeks. So if you come here next week you won’t find me, you’ll find Sara, and I hope you give her a good warm McStorytellers welcome.
About the Author
Jack MacRoary, also known locally as the Bard of DrumTumshie, comes from the small farming community of TattyBogle, which he has singlehandedly put on the map through his fame. After bursting onto the Scottish literary cultural scene in August 2012, when he appeared at the inaugural Edinburgh eBook Festival, Jack now attends DrumTumshie Academy.
During his brief but eventful literary career so far, Jack has been a blogger, providing an insightful commentary on rural life and Scots culture; a short story writer; and most recently a political commentator through his McSerial contributions to the McStorytellers website.
The Complete TattyBogle, Jack's first “real book” published by McStorytellers in 2015, brings together in a handy compendium all of his musings, commentaries and stories to date.
During his brief but eventful literary career so far, Jack has been a blogger, providing an insightful commentary on rural life and Scots culture; a short story writer; and most recently a political commentator through his McSerial contributions to the McStorytellers website.
The Complete TattyBogle, Jack's first “real book” published by McStorytellers in 2015, brings together in a handy compendium all of his musings, commentaries and stories to date.