The Goat Woman
by Gurmeet Mattu
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: An in-depth probe into an alien culture...
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She is very much respect in my culture, the goat. We are Talibash of Kuru Mountains and knowing wise beast when we are seeing. Goat is top animal for wrestling and I am saying this from personal knowledge, as I am No 1 Goat Wrestler in Southern province, Torfu, it is my name.
Goat wrestling is ancient tradition with my people and is proper wrestling not from script like western TV wrestling. Goat cannot read script. Goat eat script.
I am beginning in goat wrestling as a boy, as I am No 2 son and will not inherit farm of my father, so I must make my own way in world. Within few years, and after getting ass butted many times, I develop subtle moves to defeat goat. I notice that goat have very sensitive scrote and so I attack goat scrote viciously and goat soon surrender and I am champion. This bring me great prestige and immense wealth and I buy enormous house with many rooms and outbuildings, even larger than that of Ranji Bey, chief sodomist of all the Kurus.
So, with immense fame and fortune and in the fullness of my vigour I decide to take a wife. I decide on Soapi because she is very clean and also because her father tells me she is ambitious. This is important to me as I do not want a wife who only dries dung and weaves blankets, but one who is yearning after finer things in life like catalogue shopping. Also Soapi is quite beautiful and I look forward to having sex fun with her and giving her many sons. But alas, after our wedding, eight years ago, I cannot find her of an evening when it is time to retire to the bed chamber for sex fun. Now I see the curse of having a large house. So many rooms, so many alcoves, so many cupboards. I am exhaust looking for my beautiful Soapi, but never can I find her. During the day she is in my company and is cooking my food and doing my laundry, but in evening she is disappear and I am full of unrequited lust.
Having made great fortune with my skills I no longer wrestle the goat as often as I used to, only an exhibition match once a month if there is no rain. But I have found other source of income in breeding wrestling goats. Torfu’s wrestling goats are the finest in all the Kurus and any man who wagers against my beasts is a fool. I am training the goats myself, you see, and breeding them with less sensitive scrotes, so that they are a challenge even for my grappling skills. Finest of them all is Tumshi the Magnificent, who has shown such courage and skill in his wrestling career that I am semi-retiring him and putting him to stud.
So, it is coming as a surprise when Shirga, my chief goat keeper is asking me if I know where Tumshi the Magnificent sleeps.
“In the goatish bridal chambers, of course, fool,” I reply curtly, “with his nanny goat of choice, making little goats for the glory of Torfu.”
“Ah,” Shirga nods in agreement, but with a low grin, which I am hate very much. “And you still have not discover where your wife sleep?”
Now, he stretch my patience. “You know I have not discover, that is why I am kicking the chickens every morning. They are get the suffer because I do not get the sex fun.”
“You follow her?” he asks.
“I try, but she move like the wind, upstairs, down corridors, through rooms, I cannot catch.”
“Maybe you follow the wrong one,” sneer Shirga, “Maybe you follow Tumshi, you find Soapi.”
“What you mean?” I demand, “What you imply, you dog of a dog?”
But he return to polishing buttocks of the goats and I decide I will fire him and buy a machine to do his tasks, the Swiss have good model, reasonable price.
Still, it is making me think and that night when Soapi is disappear, I follow Tumshi to see where he go. He is easy to follow, unlike Soapi, because he knows I do not want to have sex fun with him. Imagine my shocking then, when I track him to a room on seventh floor of third eastern outbuilding which I did not even know existed. And there on a bed is lying my beautiful Soapi. Her glossy, black hair is tumbling over her ivory shoulders, her brown eyes are smouldering and her bosoms are heaving.
“What is this?” I cry, “Do you betray me with a goat?”
“It is because I am ambitious,” Soapi answers with a voice which drips with sultriness.
“Ambitious? To have sex fun with a goat?”
“To have sex fun with Tumshi the Magnificent,” she growls, “because I want to go to America.”
She has me confuse. “What do you mean America?”
“America is land of future and they do not have children there, but kids. I am reading this in magazine. You cannot give me kids, but Tumshi can.”
I strike my head with hands, but only to cause little sore. “Oh, you foolish woman, you are failing elemental biology and also American English. Woman and goat cannot make kid, and kid mean childrens in Americanese.”
“Is true?” she ask, her lip trembling, and she have very pretty dimples.
“Is true,” I insist, “But as you have betrayed me I must do the divorcing of you for sluttish behaviour and return you to your father as damaged goods, and demand repayment of dowry. With interest.”
But Soapi is as wise as she is beautiful and kicks off the sheets that cover her. It is the first time I have seeing her naked with no clothes on.
We move to Wisconsin next Fall. With kids.
Swearwords: None.
Description: An in-depth probe into an alien culture...
_____________________________________________________________________
She is very much respect in my culture, the goat. We are Talibash of Kuru Mountains and knowing wise beast when we are seeing. Goat is top animal for wrestling and I am saying this from personal knowledge, as I am No 1 Goat Wrestler in Southern province, Torfu, it is my name.
Goat wrestling is ancient tradition with my people and is proper wrestling not from script like western TV wrestling. Goat cannot read script. Goat eat script.
I am beginning in goat wrestling as a boy, as I am No 2 son and will not inherit farm of my father, so I must make my own way in world. Within few years, and after getting ass butted many times, I develop subtle moves to defeat goat. I notice that goat have very sensitive scrote and so I attack goat scrote viciously and goat soon surrender and I am champion. This bring me great prestige and immense wealth and I buy enormous house with many rooms and outbuildings, even larger than that of Ranji Bey, chief sodomist of all the Kurus.
So, with immense fame and fortune and in the fullness of my vigour I decide to take a wife. I decide on Soapi because she is very clean and also because her father tells me she is ambitious. This is important to me as I do not want a wife who only dries dung and weaves blankets, but one who is yearning after finer things in life like catalogue shopping. Also Soapi is quite beautiful and I look forward to having sex fun with her and giving her many sons. But alas, after our wedding, eight years ago, I cannot find her of an evening when it is time to retire to the bed chamber for sex fun. Now I see the curse of having a large house. So many rooms, so many alcoves, so many cupboards. I am exhaust looking for my beautiful Soapi, but never can I find her. During the day she is in my company and is cooking my food and doing my laundry, but in evening she is disappear and I am full of unrequited lust.
Having made great fortune with my skills I no longer wrestle the goat as often as I used to, only an exhibition match once a month if there is no rain. But I have found other source of income in breeding wrestling goats. Torfu’s wrestling goats are the finest in all the Kurus and any man who wagers against my beasts is a fool. I am training the goats myself, you see, and breeding them with less sensitive scrotes, so that they are a challenge even for my grappling skills. Finest of them all is Tumshi the Magnificent, who has shown such courage and skill in his wrestling career that I am semi-retiring him and putting him to stud.
So, it is coming as a surprise when Shirga, my chief goat keeper is asking me if I know where Tumshi the Magnificent sleeps.
“In the goatish bridal chambers, of course, fool,” I reply curtly, “with his nanny goat of choice, making little goats for the glory of Torfu.”
“Ah,” Shirga nods in agreement, but with a low grin, which I am hate very much. “And you still have not discover where your wife sleep?”
Now, he stretch my patience. “You know I have not discover, that is why I am kicking the chickens every morning. They are get the suffer because I do not get the sex fun.”
“You follow her?” he asks.
“I try, but she move like the wind, upstairs, down corridors, through rooms, I cannot catch.”
“Maybe you follow the wrong one,” sneer Shirga, “Maybe you follow Tumshi, you find Soapi.”
“What you mean?” I demand, “What you imply, you dog of a dog?”
But he return to polishing buttocks of the goats and I decide I will fire him and buy a machine to do his tasks, the Swiss have good model, reasonable price.
Still, it is making me think and that night when Soapi is disappear, I follow Tumshi to see where he go. He is easy to follow, unlike Soapi, because he knows I do not want to have sex fun with him. Imagine my shocking then, when I track him to a room on seventh floor of third eastern outbuilding which I did not even know existed. And there on a bed is lying my beautiful Soapi. Her glossy, black hair is tumbling over her ivory shoulders, her brown eyes are smouldering and her bosoms are heaving.
“What is this?” I cry, “Do you betray me with a goat?”
“It is because I am ambitious,” Soapi answers with a voice which drips with sultriness.
“Ambitious? To have sex fun with a goat?”
“To have sex fun with Tumshi the Magnificent,” she growls, “because I want to go to America.”
She has me confuse. “What do you mean America?”
“America is land of future and they do not have children there, but kids. I am reading this in magazine. You cannot give me kids, but Tumshi can.”
I strike my head with hands, but only to cause little sore. “Oh, you foolish woman, you are failing elemental biology and also American English. Woman and goat cannot make kid, and kid mean childrens in Americanese.”
“Is true?” she ask, her lip trembling, and she have very pretty dimples.
“Is true,” I insist, “But as you have betrayed me I must do the divorcing of you for sluttish behaviour and return you to your father as damaged goods, and demand repayment of dowry. With interest.”
But Soapi is as wise as she is beautiful and kicks off the sheets that cover her. It is the first time I have seeing her naked with no clothes on.
We move to Wisconsin next Fall. With kids.
About the Author
Gurmeet Mattu is an award-winning writer. A trained jounalist, he has written comic books, stage plays, radio plays and TV sitcoms, and his screenplay Disciple won a Scottish Screen/DNA Films First Draft award. He was born and lives in Glasgow, Scotland, though his forebearers are from India.
If you enjoyed Gurmeet's humour, you might like to read his novels which are available in Kindle format and can be read on PCs, Macs, iPads and iPhones as well as the Kindle reader. Click the book cover below to go to the relevant Amazon page.
He now publishes and edits the comedy emag, Amock, which you can find HERE.
If you enjoyed Gurmeet's humour, you might like to read his novels which are available in Kindle format and can be read on PCs, Macs, iPads and iPhones as well as the Kindle reader. Click the book cover below to go to the relevant Amazon page.
He now publishes and edits the comedy emag, Amock, which you can find HERE.
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