Talking of Trips
by Brian Morrison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: Two drinking buddies discuss the effects of mind-bending drugs.
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE: The Crown Inn, Saltcoats. INT:
Good buddies, CHARLIE McGUINNESS and KEVIN RIDER meet up for their Monday evening pint or three. SANDY the barman slides two full pint glasses across the bar top to the friends.
SANDY:
There ye go boys. Yer usual tipple - a Guinness for McGuinness and a cider for Rider.
CHARLIE:
Thanks Sandy. You are wasted in here, by the way. You are a natural poet. Who would huv thought o’ comin’ up wi’ rhymes like that? How about another wee verse.
SANDY:
Verse ma erse!
CHARLIE:
There ye go again! Ye jist cannie help yersel’.
Sandy laughs and returns to his tumbler polishing duties. The two friends take a long swig from their respective glasses.
KEVIN:
Ahhhh, nectar! (To Charlie) Hey – you look a bit stressed oot today, big yin. Whit’s up?
CHARLIE:
Aw it hus been wan o’ they days, Kevin. Ah jist couldnae get oot ma own road this mornin’.
KEVIN:
Is that right?
CHARLIE:
Aye – some bastard has built a brick wall right across it!
KEVIN:
Really?
Charlie looks at him askance.
CHARLIE:
Joke, mate . . . Joke!
KEVIN:
Ahhh – right. But honestly mate . . . ye have looked a wee bit uptight recently. Have ye ever thought o’ smokin’ a wee reef or poppin’ a wee pill noo an’ again. Just fur medicinal purposes, ye understand!
CHARLIE:
Drugs?
SANDY: (laughing)
Wally dugs!
KEVIN:
He’s at it again. (to Sandy) Just you clean your tumblers, Dylan Thomas. The world isnae ready fur your prose just yet. (to Charlie) So you never answered me, big pal. Have ye ever dabbled in the stuff? White powder? Whacky baccy? Magic mushrooms?
CHARLIE:
Well now that you mention it, there wis the time in ma younger years when a girl over on the east coast gave me a couple o’ magic mushrooms.
KEVIN:
Oh aye . . . did they do the business?
CHARLIE:
Certainly did, chum. Ah had them done in the oven. Soaked in olive oil, rubbed wi’ garlic puree and finished aff wi’ a breadcrumb and saft cheese stuffin’ . . . and not forgettin’ a poached egg on the top.
KEVIN:
Whit ye talkin’ aboot?
CHARLIE:
Portabello mushrooms! Delicious, they were! And definitely ‘Magic’.
KEVIN:
Ya bastard! You’re havin’ me on again.
CHARLIE:
Sorry mate. Ah couldnae resist it. But there was a real incident in ma youth. The night that Ah messed aboot wi’ LSD.
They both paused and looked at Sandy the barman.
SANDY: (defensively)
What?
CHARLIE:
You mean you don’t have a rhyme fur LSD?
SANDY:
Aw, Ah see. Ah’m slippin’ up boys. Slippin’ up badly.
CHARLIE: (Continuing)
This bird supplied me wi’ the stuff at a party in Port Glasgow. Ah didnae huv a Scooby whit she was givin’ me. How wis Ah supposed tae know whit LSD wis?
KEVIN:
So ye had dyslexia back then as well?
CHARLIE:
Afraid so. But I certainly remember ma trip home, if ye pardon the pun. It wis really weird.
KEVIN:
How so?
CHARLIE:
It wis like bein’ in that Beatles cartoon film. Ye know the wan. The Yellow Submarine.
KEVIN:
So ye were hallucinatin’?
CHARLIE:
Oh aye – big time! Ah remember walkin’ up towards ma street. It’s a miracle that Ah found ma way back this far. The sky wis a weird shade o’ purple and the trees were a daft shade o’ deep pink. How Ah recognised ma hoose, Ah’ll never know.
KEVIN:
Some trip, eh? Tell me more.
CHARLIE:
Ah remember goin’ up tae the front door and pullin’ ma key oot ma pocket.
KEVIN:
Aye?
CHARLIE:
And Ah managed tae somehow stick the key intae the lock.
KEVIN:
Go on.
CHARLIE:
And Ah turned the key.
KEVIN:
Whit then?
CHARLIE:
The fuckin’ hoose started up.
KEVIN:
Eh?
CHARLIE:
It started up like a big diesel fired lorry.
KEVIN:
Wow, whit did ye dae?
CHARLIE:
Well Ah jumped in quick. Sombody hud tae bring it under control cause it wis takin’ aff doon the street.
KEVIN:
And whit happened next?
CHARLIE:
It came tae an abrupt stop.
KEVIN:
Why?
CHARLIE:
‘Cos some bastard had built a brick wall right across the end o’ the road!
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: Two drinking buddies discuss the effects of mind-bending drugs.
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE: The Crown Inn, Saltcoats. INT:
Good buddies, CHARLIE McGUINNESS and KEVIN RIDER meet up for their Monday evening pint or three. SANDY the barman slides two full pint glasses across the bar top to the friends.
SANDY:
There ye go boys. Yer usual tipple - a Guinness for McGuinness and a cider for Rider.
CHARLIE:
Thanks Sandy. You are wasted in here, by the way. You are a natural poet. Who would huv thought o’ comin’ up wi’ rhymes like that? How about another wee verse.
SANDY:
Verse ma erse!
CHARLIE:
There ye go again! Ye jist cannie help yersel’.
Sandy laughs and returns to his tumbler polishing duties. The two friends take a long swig from their respective glasses.
KEVIN:
Ahhhh, nectar! (To Charlie) Hey – you look a bit stressed oot today, big yin. Whit’s up?
CHARLIE:
Aw it hus been wan o’ they days, Kevin. Ah jist couldnae get oot ma own road this mornin’.
KEVIN:
Is that right?
CHARLIE:
Aye – some bastard has built a brick wall right across it!
KEVIN:
Really?
Charlie looks at him askance.
CHARLIE:
Joke, mate . . . Joke!
KEVIN:
Ahhh – right. But honestly mate . . . ye have looked a wee bit uptight recently. Have ye ever thought o’ smokin’ a wee reef or poppin’ a wee pill noo an’ again. Just fur medicinal purposes, ye understand!
CHARLIE:
Drugs?
SANDY: (laughing)
Wally dugs!
KEVIN:
He’s at it again. (to Sandy) Just you clean your tumblers, Dylan Thomas. The world isnae ready fur your prose just yet. (to Charlie) So you never answered me, big pal. Have ye ever dabbled in the stuff? White powder? Whacky baccy? Magic mushrooms?
CHARLIE:
Well now that you mention it, there wis the time in ma younger years when a girl over on the east coast gave me a couple o’ magic mushrooms.
KEVIN:
Oh aye . . . did they do the business?
CHARLIE:
Certainly did, chum. Ah had them done in the oven. Soaked in olive oil, rubbed wi’ garlic puree and finished aff wi’ a breadcrumb and saft cheese stuffin’ . . . and not forgettin’ a poached egg on the top.
KEVIN:
Whit ye talkin’ aboot?
CHARLIE:
Portabello mushrooms! Delicious, they were! And definitely ‘Magic’.
KEVIN:
Ya bastard! You’re havin’ me on again.
CHARLIE:
Sorry mate. Ah couldnae resist it. But there was a real incident in ma youth. The night that Ah messed aboot wi’ LSD.
They both paused and looked at Sandy the barman.
SANDY: (defensively)
What?
CHARLIE:
You mean you don’t have a rhyme fur LSD?
SANDY:
Aw, Ah see. Ah’m slippin’ up boys. Slippin’ up badly.
CHARLIE: (Continuing)
This bird supplied me wi’ the stuff at a party in Port Glasgow. Ah didnae huv a Scooby whit she was givin’ me. How wis Ah supposed tae know whit LSD wis?
KEVIN:
So ye had dyslexia back then as well?
CHARLIE:
Afraid so. But I certainly remember ma trip home, if ye pardon the pun. It wis really weird.
KEVIN:
How so?
CHARLIE:
It wis like bein’ in that Beatles cartoon film. Ye know the wan. The Yellow Submarine.
KEVIN:
So ye were hallucinatin’?
CHARLIE:
Oh aye – big time! Ah remember walkin’ up towards ma street. It’s a miracle that Ah found ma way back this far. The sky wis a weird shade o’ purple and the trees were a daft shade o’ deep pink. How Ah recognised ma hoose, Ah’ll never know.
KEVIN:
Some trip, eh? Tell me more.
CHARLIE:
Ah remember goin’ up tae the front door and pullin’ ma key oot ma pocket.
KEVIN:
Aye?
CHARLIE:
And Ah managed tae somehow stick the key intae the lock.
KEVIN:
Go on.
CHARLIE:
And Ah turned the key.
KEVIN:
Whit then?
CHARLIE:
The fuckin’ hoose started up.
KEVIN:
Eh?
CHARLIE:
It started up like a big diesel fired lorry.
KEVIN:
Wow, whit did ye dae?
CHARLIE:
Well Ah jumped in quick. Sombody hud tae bring it under control cause it wis takin’ aff doon the street.
KEVIN:
And whit happened next?
CHARLIE:
It came tae an abrupt stop.
KEVIN:
Why?
CHARLIE:
‘Cos some bastard had built a brick wall right across the end o’ the road!
About the Author
Born in Saltcoats, Brian Morrison has a day job at the Hunterston Power Station. But in his other life he is well known as a caricaturist and comedy sketch writer. More recently, he has become a novelist and a writer of children's stories. His dark comedy, Blister, is available on Amazon.