Speech
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: Here cums ri groom.
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“SPEECH....SPEECH.”
“A could jeest say 'Ditto' an' bey done wi' it so a could, birral no. A didnae write a speech sa rissis strictly aff ri cuff.
“Sin' ma best man, Norrie, hud tae mummul through 'es talkie bit, wull, rur's no' much ye kin say wi' a burst mooth, a'll need tae puull 'um oot a hole.....again. A tel't 'um no' tae rip ri pish oot e' ma faithur-in-law, speshly whin 'es gote a drink in 'um bit dis 'e listen? Luk 'n' see fur yursel. By ri wye, a didnae invite ri polis sa it musta bin sumb'dy else........”
“..........GAUN YURSEL' BIG MAN.”
“A'll get tae you in a meenit Dizzy. Jeest like tae 'hank ri bridesmaids fur keepin' ma new wife sober fur ri nuptials. Nae mean feat rat. Aw kiddin' aside, she's fair made up fur it sin' wey sat doon fur wur dinner. Which brings mey neatly roon' tae ri caterin' staff, rat wis some spread so it wis. A backed rat hoarse oan Thursday an' et it ri day, nae wye wis a gonnae back it again. Big haun' fur ri caterers eh?”
“Mawwww. Mammy a need tae pee.”
“Who's wean's rat makin' aw rat racket whin a'm tryin' tae talk here? Stick a dummy in its mooth ur sumhin' wull ye? Whair wis a? Oh aye. A'd like tae 'hank each an' ev'ry wan e' yis fur turnin' up in aw yur finery, a didnae rekanise some e' yis so a didnae. Diffrince a bor a' soap kin make eh? Speakin' a' bors, ri drinks ur free tae aleevin a'cloak an' ren yis ur oan yur ain. Rat disnae mean yis shouldnae tip ri waitresses sin' yis ur runnin' ri pare lassies aff rur feet.
“Afore a go a need tae tell yis ris. A wis in ri cludgie fur a toley earlier oan an' a heard Dizzy an' Gubber swankin' oan aboot how rey wis gonnae shag a bridesmaid each, ur mibbes it wis ri same bridesmaid, a nivir heard ri tail en' e' it 'cos sumb'day wis shoutin' fur Hughie in ri nixt cubicle. Sad news boyes. A'm oan a proamise ri night, bit yous two urnae..........”
“YA BASTART'N CLIPE DANNO....A WIS FUR MA HOLE SO A WIS.”
“In yur dreams Gubber, in yur dreams son. Right, rat's me nearly done. Don't bey borrin' ri deejay wi' requests fur ony a' rat pish ye usually hear et waddins, 'cos 'es unner oardurs no' tae play it. Ris'll bey an evenin' a' proapur music ur ma name's no' Dan D Lyon. 'Hanks again fur comin'. HIT IT MAESTRO. WU'LL KICK AFF WI' ALEX HARVEY....SWAMP SNAKE.......PERTYYYYY.”
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: Here cums ri groom.
_____________________________________________________________________
“SPEECH....SPEECH.”
“A could jeest say 'Ditto' an' bey done wi' it so a could, birral no. A didnae write a speech sa rissis strictly aff ri cuff.
“Sin' ma best man, Norrie, hud tae mummul through 'es talkie bit, wull, rur's no' much ye kin say wi' a burst mooth, a'll need tae puull 'um oot a hole.....again. A tel't 'um no' tae rip ri pish oot e' ma faithur-in-law, speshly whin 'es gote a drink in 'um bit dis 'e listen? Luk 'n' see fur yursel. By ri wye, a didnae invite ri polis sa it musta bin sumb'dy else........”
“..........GAUN YURSEL' BIG MAN.”
“A'll get tae you in a meenit Dizzy. Jeest like tae 'hank ri bridesmaids fur keepin' ma new wife sober fur ri nuptials. Nae mean feat rat. Aw kiddin' aside, she's fair made up fur it sin' wey sat doon fur wur dinner. Which brings mey neatly roon' tae ri caterin' staff, rat wis some spread so it wis. A backed rat hoarse oan Thursday an' et it ri day, nae wye wis a gonnae back it again. Big haun' fur ri caterers eh?”
“Mawwww. Mammy a need tae pee.”
“Who's wean's rat makin' aw rat racket whin a'm tryin' tae talk here? Stick a dummy in its mooth ur sumhin' wull ye? Whair wis a? Oh aye. A'd like tae 'hank each an' ev'ry wan e' yis fur turnin' up in aw yur finery, a didnae rekanise some e' yis so a didnae. Diffrince a bor a' soap kin make eh? Speakin' a' bors, ri drinks ur free tae aleevin a'cloak an' ren yis ur oan yur ain. Rat disnae mean yis shouldnae tip ri waitresses sin' yis ur runnin' ri pare lassies aff rur feet.
“Afore a go a need tae tell yis ris. A wis in ri cludgie fur a toley earlier oan an' a heard Dizzy an' Gubber swankin' oan aboot how rey wis gonnae shag a bridesmaid each, ur mibbes it wis ri same bridesmaid, a nivir heard ri tail en' e' it 'cos sumb'day wis shoutin' fur Hughie in ri nixt cubicle. Sad news boyes. A'm oan a proamise ri night, bit yous two urnae..........”
“YA BASTART'N CLIPE DANNO....A WIS FUR MA HOLE SO A WIS.”
“In yur dreams Gubber, in yur dreams son. Right, rat's me nearly done. Don't bey borrin' ri deejay wi' requests fur ony a' rat pish ye usually hear et waddins, 'cos 'es unner oardurs no' tae play it. Ris'll bey an evenin' a' proapur music ur ma name's no' Dan D Lyon. 'Hanks again fur comin'. HIT IT MAESTRO. WU'LL KICK AFF WI' ALEX HARVEY....SWAMP SNAKE.......PERTYYYYY.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.