Snippits in Scots
by Andrew Velzian
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Best just tae listen...
_____________________________________________________________________
Wha's like us?
- Look! I'm a Jock!
- Uh huh.
- Sweaty sock. Jock! Get it?
- Yes, sir, I ge...
- Sweaty sock Jock! Phwee-hee-hee...! Jock equals Scot, aye?
- Mh huh. Yes, I see what you’re alluding to but...
- ...let me guess, you've been up there on holiday, aye?
- No, I...
- No? Must of worked up there then?
- Well, no, I...
- ...I know, I know, ken us by our fitba then? Rangers or Cellic? That’s your next question eh! Which one of those English/Irish, sorry ‘Scottish’ teams do I follow? Well I love them both, we all do! Only two teams in Scotland, pal, eh? Can I call you pal? It’s what us Jocks do. Fuckin. Friendly. As.
- Yes, that’s fine but...
- ...Hate the English? No! Do we shite. Hate your fuckin commentators, though, oh aye, spoutin pish all the time about 66...
- ...I wasn’t askin that but...
- ...67? Ye's never ask about 67... forgot that pretty quick, didn't ye's? No wonder ye dinnae ask about...
- Look. All I'm asking you is...
- Look. I know what you’re askin, pal, but every time me and meen come down here we always get asked the same fuckin questions over and over again, so I was just getting the answers out of the way. Okay? End. Fuckin. Of.
- Look, Mr Salmond, there are people behind you waiting to be served. So. What. Would. You. Like. To. Drink?
- Fuck sake, gies a whisky, eh, little bit of ice ….and throw in a bit of independence as well, ya nippy wee roaster....
Fancy seein' you here
- Hey, I know you! You're that chef fae up the road, are ye no?
Oh fuck, I thought.
- Eh aye, yes. Castella's?
- Yeah, thought I recognized your coupon. Decent scran there like, went wi the works do.
- Uh-huh. Enjoy it?
- Yeah, sound, glad I wisnae pickin up the tab though, bit pricey eh?
- Well, local fresh food is...
- ...mind we went there, George? George!
He shouted a little bit louder than he needed to.
George looked up from his newspaper laid out on the table.
- Eh aye, was the bored reply, wis alright, bit pricey though. Mean, three pound fifty for a side of sautéed potatoes? Basically posh chips with an even posher price min...
- Well it’s not really... Like I was saying, fresh food, local suppliers, not as big a profit margin as you might expect and...
George went back to reading his paper.
- So whet’s yir signature dish then, yir party piece? the guy in front of me cheeped again.
- Don't really have one, to be honest, most chefs don't.
- Eh come on! Course ye do, you're a chef!
- Well, I like working with meat and fish, any dish involving those and whatever ingredients I've got...
- ...no too keen on fish. Unless the batter’s really crispy like. I make a mean chilli con carny masel...
- Sorry, chilli con carnie?
- Aye, it’s Spanish like. Or Mexican. Ken the secret?
- No. No, I really don't... I...
- ..don't put the whole packet in! Three quarters of the chilli mix and none of those horrible wee kidney beans either, nuh, Baked Beans, that’s what yir wantin! Sounds as good as it tastes eh?
- Lovely.
- Talkin o beans, see ma breakfast on a Sunday morning, the bee's baws! Legendary in our house...
- I'm sorry, the bee's what?
- Sorry, bit of chef talk there, it's really good I mean. Aye, I'd say I was the chef in our family. Don't get me wrong, the wife can cook and she's pretty good at what she knows, but you know yourself... it's about going that wee bittie extra... that something a wee bit different. Taking the ordinary and coming up with something extraordinary eh?
I closed my eyes and bottled my rage.
- Aye.
- So, not there now then?
I just looked at him.
- Obviously not.
- Well, aye, I suppose no... anyways, that’s your forms all sorted and in order, your signing on date is Monday the 16th at 10 am, and every two weeks thereafter. Now is there anything else I can help you with, sir?
I shook my head. Fuck me, I shook my head...
Talk of an old friend over a cold pint
- Aye, Kevin always was a nasty wee shite. Mind on us kids playin Japs and Commandos? He'd aye throw a tantrum when he shot someone and they wouldnae play deid?
- Ha ha, aye, so the next time we played he pulls out his old man’s air pistol and shot the poor wee cunt in the foot, just to make sure he went doon! Fuckin nuts like...
- Speakin o his dad eh, I mind stayin at his hoose one night. We had a wee camp bed made up on his bedroom flair, ken, washing line wi sheets 'V' shaped over it and that eh. Half asleep I heard all these dishes getting shoogled about in the sink, sounded like the fuckin Titanic’s galley when it went doon min. I must of lifted my head to listen, as wee Kev goes through half sleep:
- Old man’s pished again...
- Eh? says I, a wee bittie confused. Does he do the dishes when he's pished like?
- Naw. Pushes them to the side so he can piss doon the plughole. Thinks my old dear will go nuts if he woke her up by flushin the toilet and she sees him pished...
- Honestly min, way he said it, nearly pished masel as well!
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Best just tae listen...
_____________________________________________________________________
Wha's like us?
- Look! I'm a Jock!
- Uh huh.
- Sweaty sock. Jock! Get it?
- Yes, sir, I ge...
- Sweaty sock Jock! Phwee-hee-hee...! Jock equals Scot, aye?
- Mh huh. Yes, I see what you’re alluding to but...
- ...let me guess, you've been up there on holiday, aye?
- No, I...
- No? Must of worked up there then?
- Well, no, I...
- ...I know, I know, ken us by our fitba then? Rangers or Cellic? That’s your next question eh! Which one of those English/Irish, sorry ‘Scottish’ teams do I follow? Well I love them both, we all do! Only two teams in Scotland, pal, eh? Can I call you pal? It’s what us Jocks do. Fuckin. Friendly. As.
- Yes, that’s fine but...
- ...Hate the English? No! Do we shite. Hate your fuckin commentators, though, oh aye, spoutin pish all the time about 66...
- ...I wasn’t askin that but...
- ...67? Ye's never ask about 67... forgot that pretty quick, didn't ye's? No wonder ye dinnae ask about...
- Look. All I'm asking you is...
- Look. I know what you’re askin, pal, but every time me and meen come down here we always get asked the same fuckin questions over and over again, so I was just getting the answers out of the way. Okay? End. Fuckin. Of.
- Look, Mr Salmond, there are people behind you waiting to be served. So. What. Would. You. Like. To. Drink?
- Fuck sake, gies a whisky, eh, little bit of ice ….and throw in a bit of independence as well, ya nippy wee roaster....
Fancy seein' you here
- Hey, I know you! You're that chef fae up the road, are ye no?
Oh fuck, I thought.
- Eh aye, yes. Castella's?
- Yeah, thought I recognized your coupon. Decent scran there like, went wi the works do.
- Uh-huh. Enjoy it?
- Yeah, sound, glad I wisnae pickin up the tab though, bit pricey eh?
- Well, local fresh food is...
- ...mind we went there, George? George!
He shouted a little bit louder than he needed to.
George looked up from his newspaper laid out on the table.
- Eh aye, was the bored reply, wis alright, bit pricey though. Mean, three pound fifty for a side of sautéed potatoes? Basically posh chips with an even posher price min...
- Well it’s not really... Like I was saying, fresh food, local suppliers, not as big a profit margin as you might expect and...
George went back to reading his paper.
- So whet’s yir signature dish then, yir party piece? the guy in front of me cheeped again.
- Don't really have one, to be honest, most chefs don't.
- Eh come on! Course ye do, you're a chef!
- Well, I like working with meat and fish, any dish involving those and whatever ingredients I've got...
- ...no too keen on fish. Unless the batter’s really crispy like. I make a mean chilli con carny masel...
- Sorry, chilli con carnie?
- Aye, it’s Spanish like. Or Mexican. Ken the secret?
- No. No, I really don't... I...
- ..don't put the whole packet in! Three quarters of the chilli mix and none of those horrible wee kidney beans either, nuh, Baked Beans, that’s what yir wantin! Sounds as good as it tastes eh?
- Lovely.
- Talkin o beans, see ma breakfast on a Sunday morning, the bee's baws! Legendary in our house...
- I'm sorry, the bee's what?
- Sorry, bit of chef talk there, it's really good I mean. Aye, I'd say I was the chef in our family. Don't get me wrong, the wife can cook and she's pretty good at what she knows, but you know yourself... it's about going that wee bittie extra... that something a wee bit different. Taking the ordinary and coming up with something extraordinary eh?
I closed my eyes and bottled my rage.
- Aye.
- So, not there now then?
I just looked at him.
- Obviously not.
- Well, aye, I suppose no... anyways, that’s your forms all sorted and in order, your signing on date is Monday the 16th at 10 am, and every two weeks thereafter. Now is there anything else I can help you with, sir?
I shook my head. Fuck me, I shook my head...
Talk of an old friend over a cold pint
- Aye, Kevin always was a nasty wee shite. Mind on us kids playin Japs and Commandos? He'd aye throw a tantrum when he shot someone and they wouldnae play deid?
- Ha ha, aye, so the next time we played he pulls out his old man’s air pistol and shot the poor wee cunt in the foot, just to make sure he went doon! Fuckin nuts like...
- Speakin o his dad eh, I mind stayin at his hoose one night. We had a wee camp bed made up on his bedroom flair, ken, washing line wi sheets 'V' shaped over it and that eh. Half asleep I heard all these dishes getting shoogled about in the sink, sounded like the fuckin Titanic’s galley when it went doon min. I must of lifted my head to listen, as wee Kev goes through half sleep:
- Old man’s pished again...
- Eh? says I, a wee bittie confused. Does he do the dishes when he's pished like?
- Naw. Pushes them to the side so he can piss doon the plughole. Thinks my old dear will go nuts if he woke her up by flushin the toilet and she sees him pished...
- Honestly min, way he said it, nearly pished masel as well!
About the Author
Born in Dunfermline, raised on the Orkney Isles and now residing in Cheshire, Andrew Velzian says he scribbles a few stories in between working and sleeping.