Ri Room
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Unerstaunin’ yur pets’ needs.
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“Dis yur cat like gettin' stoned?”
“Whit makes ye ast rat?”
“ 'E's ay in ri room wi ye.”
“Wull.....ris is 'es bit. It's ma bit tae bit wi share it so wi dae.”
“Birrey nivir seems tae go oot.”
“ 'E's a hoose cat so 'e is, birrey's free tae come an' go is 'e pleases.”
“Wull, in aw ri time a'v kent ye a'v nivir kent 'um tae go oot.”
“Mibbe 'e jeest enjoeys yur rivittin' coanvursation, eh?”
“Ye ken whirrum sayin' bit, dain't ye?”
“A take it yuv no' gote a cat e' yur ain ren?”
“Ye ken fine a huvnae. Whit ri fuck's rat gote tae dae wi' ony'hin'?”
“Cats kin bey jeest is faithful is dugs.”
“Yur rippin' ri pish in't ye?”
“Onywyes. 'Sno' jeest me ri cat styes in fur. Rur's 'es wee pal rer.”
“A hamster? A fuckin' hamster an' a fuckin' cat? Pals? Ye waant tae stye aff rem doobies if rat's ri pish yur gonnae come oot wi'.”
“Rur big mates so rey ur.”
“A'm no' huvin' rat me. Gie mey aw yur hash an' a'll stash it fur a week fur ye. See if it disnae bring ye back tae yur senses.”
“Ren rur's ri music. 'Es parshal tae ri guid sounds 'n' rat. Jackson Browne's 'es favourite birrey listens tae whirrivir a'm listenin' tae so 'e dis.”
“How kin ye tell? Eh? How ri fuck kin ye tell rat?”
“ 'E coancintrates oan ri lyrics so 'e dis. 'Es een go right tae ri back e' 'es heid an' 'es awaw wi' it. A bet ye 'e could sing alang wi ri fulla whin aul' Jackson sterts chantin'.”
“Yur no' ri fuull shillin' you so yur no'. A'm bein' serious here, it's time ye geid rat hash a wee rest so it is. A'v bin 'hinkin' rat fur a while noo.”
“Disnae dae mey nae herm so it disnae. Jeest 'cos a don't git aw hyper lit you whin yur oan ri Buckfast. A don't need aw rat pish tae enjoey masel'.”
“Bit...a cat an' a fuckin' hamster, man? Rat's against ri laws a nature tae say rur pals an' rey play ri githur. Ri cat wid eat ri wee fucker so 'e wid.”
“A'm tellin' ye, rey git oan lit a hoose oan fire so rey dae.”
“Luk, it's no' yur natural scenario so it's no'. Yu'll huv tae demonstrate it tae mey. How dis it work ataw?”
“Wull, it's no' rur playtum jeest yit birra kin talk ye through it nae borr.”
“A'm aw ears so amur.”
“See, a pap Bong in 'es.........”
“.........Bong? Bong?”
“Ye sound lit two a'cloak so ye dae. Bong's ma hamster. A thote ye kent rat?”
“Fuck me rigid. Cairy oan wi' ri tale wull ye? A'm mair rin curious noo so a'm ur.”
“Right. A pap Bong in 'es wee exercise baw an' pirrum doon oan ri flair. Ren, Chilli........”
“Chilly? Chilly?........”
“ 'Sup? Ye feelin' caul' ur whit? Ri heatin's oan fuull bum so it is.”
“Whit kinna name's Chilly furra cat ataw?”
“Daft fucker et a Jalepina whin 'e wis jeest a wee kitten so 'e did. Full aff ri worktope whin a wis dain' a curry an' ri wee get hud it doon 'es neck afore a could stope 'um.”
“Jeezo man, a'm sorey a sterted ris coanvursation so a'm ur. Bit noo a waant tae ken how it feenishes so ye bettur cairy oan, eh?”
“Whair wis a wi' it? Aw aye. Chilli bats ri wee fulla aboot ri room fur a guid ten meenits an ren........”
“.......Rat's cruelty man, pare wee sowel gerrin' batted aboot ri room bey a big cat.”
“A'm no' feenished. Efter Chilli's hud a play, 'e settles doon furra breather an' rat's whin Bong gets a shote.”
“A shote? A shote et whit? 'Es heid must bey birlin' bey ren.”
“Chilli settles doon in ri coarnur an' Bong runs ri baw right et 'es fizzer. A'm shair 'e waants tae play sum mair bit Chilli freaks oot an' en's up oan tap e' ri wardrobe, oot ri road. Sa Bong pits 'esel' aboot furra a while”
“A don't bulieve whirrum hearin' here. Yur aff yur fuckin' nut so ye ur. A'm awaw doon tae ri offy. A need a drink so a dae.”
“Bring mey back sum skins wull ye? Chilli'll no' cum back doon tae a light up a joint man.”
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Unerstaunin’ yur pets’ needs.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Dis yur cat like gettin' stoned?”
“Whit makes ye ast rat?”
“ 'E's ay in ri room wi ye.”
“Wull.....ris is 'es bit. It's ma bit tae bit wi share it so wi dae.”
“Birrey nivir seems tae go oot.”
“ 'E's a hoose cat so 'e is, birrey's free tae come an' go is 'e pleases.”
“Wull, in aw ri time a'v kent ye a'v nivir kent 'um tae go oot.”
“Mibbe 'e jeest enjoeys yur rivittin' coanvursation, eh?”
“Ye ken whirrum sayin' bit, dain't ye?”
“A take it yuv no' gote a cat e' yur ain ren?”
“Ye ken fine a huvnae. Whit ri fuck's rat gote tae dae wi' ony'hin'?”
“Cats kin bey jeest is faithful is dugs.”
“Yur rippin' ri pish in't ye?”
“Onywyes. 'Sno' jeest me ri cat styes in fur. Rur's 'es wee pal rer.”
“A hamster? A fuckin' hamster an' a fuckin' cat? Pals? Ye waant tae stye aff rem doobies if rat's ri pish yur gonnae come oot wi'.”
“Rur big mates so rey ur.”
“A'm no' huvin' rat me. Gie mey aw yur hash an' a'll stash it fur a week fur ye. See if it disnae bring ye back tae yur senses.”
“Ren rur's ri music. 'Es parshal tae ri guid sounds 'n' rat. Jackson Browne's 'es favourite birrey listens tae whirrivir a'm listenin' tae so 'e dis.”
“How kin ye tell? Eh? How ri fuck kin ye tell rat?”
“ 'E coancintrates oan ri lyrics so 'e dis. 'Es een go right tae ri back e' 'es heid an' 'es awaw wi' it. A bet ye 'e could sing alang wi ri fulla whin aul' Jackson sterts chantin'.”
“Yur no' ri fuull shillin' you so yur no'. A'm bein' serious here, it's time ye geid rat hash a wee rest so it is. A'v bin 'hinkin' rat fur a while noo.”
“Disnae dae mey nae herm so it disnae. Jeest 'cos a don't git aw hyper lit you whin yur oan ri Buckfast. A don't need aw rat pish tae enjoey masel'.”
“Bit...a cat an' a fuckin' hamster, man? Rat's against ri laws a nature tae say rur pals an' rey play ri githur. Ri cat wid eat ri wee fucker so 'e wid.”
“A'm tellin' ye, rey git oan lit a hoose oan fire so rey dae.”
“Luk, it's no' yur natural scenario so it's no'. Yu'll huv tae demonstrate it tae mey. How dis it work ataw?”
“Wull, it's no' rur playtum jeest yit birra kin talk ye through it nae borr.”
“A'm aw ears so amur.”
“See, a pap Bong in 'es.........”
“.........Bong? Bong?”
“Ye sound lit two a'cloak so ye dae. Bong's ma hamster. A thote ye kent rat?”
“Fuck me rigid. Cairy oan wi' ri tale wull ye? A'm mair rin curious noo so a'm ur.”
“Right. A pap Bong in 'es wee exercise baw an' pirrum doon oan ri flair. Ren, Chilli........”
“Chilly? Chilly?........”
“ 'Sup? Ye feelin' caul' ur whit? Ri heatin's oan fuull bum so it is.”
“Whit kinna name's Chilly furra cat ataw?”
“Daft fucker et a Jalepina whin 'e wis jeest a wee kitten so 'e did. Full aff ri worktope whin a wis dain' a curry an' ri wee get hud it doon 'es neck afore a could stope 'um.”
“Jeezo man, a'm sorey a sterted ris coanvursation so a'm ur. Bit noo a waant tae ken how it feenishes so ye bettur cairy oan, eh?”
“Whair wis a wi' it? Aw aye. Chilli bats ri wee fulla aboot ri room fur a guid ten meenits an ren........”
“.......Rat's cruelty man, pare wee sowel gerrin' batted aboot ri room bey a big cat.”
“A'm no' feenished. Efter Chilli's hud a play, 'e settles doon furra breather an' rat's whin Bong gets a shote.”
“A shote? A shote et whit? 'Es heid must bey birlin' bey ren.”
“Chilli settles doon in ri coarnur an' Bong runs ri baw right et 'es fizzer. A'm shair 'e waants tae play sum mair bit Chilli freaks oot an' en's up oan tap e' ri wardrobe, oot ri road. Sa Bong pits 'esel' aboot furra a while”
“A don't bulieve whirrum hearin' here. Yur aff yur fuckin' nut so ye ur. A'm awaw doon tae ri offy. A need a drink so a dae.”
“Bring mey back sum skins wull ye? Chilli'll no' cum back doon tae a light up a joint man.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.