Nowt Inside
by Andrew Velzian
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Some strong ones.
Description: When it's time to complain... again.
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- Right that’s it, the second time this week this has happened! -
Alice groaned. - Look, they’re on special offer, what do you expect? –
- I expect to get what I, You, Anybody pays for! Bloody sick of this... -
- Not the end of the world – My wife cajoled reaching for her walking stick - C’mon I’ll make a brew -
- Nah a brew’s not gonna fix this, I’m taking them back. What you sighing for? You wouldn’t buy a car without an engine would you? Wouldn’t buy a tin of soup with no bloody soup in it would you? It’s the same bloody thing -
- Hello? I’d like to see the manager please. Now -
The girl at the checkout looked at me, at the scrunched paper bag in my hand, then back to me.
- Mr Donaldson I thought we had this matter resolved on Tuesday, Mr Clarkson is very busy at the... -
- The. Manager. - I hissed.
Another sigh.
- Mr Donaldson? - A weary voice behind me. - As previously discussed all I can offer is a replacement or a refund. These things really are out of my control but perhaps if you wrote to customer services I’m sure… -
- Write to customer services?! I don’t want to write to customer services, I want a bloody jam doughnut! I’ve paid for a jam doughnut, it’s advertised as a bloody jam doughnut but guess what? NO BLOODY ‘JAM’ IN SAID FUCKING ‘DOUGHNUT’!! If I wanted a plain doughnut guess what? -
- You would have bought a plain doughnut - the manager quoted Tuesday’s outburst.
- Fuckin right! Now as this is the second time I’l just have to resolve it myself. Do you sell jam? Jars of jam? Yes? Ok show me. I’m going to put my own fucking jam in this infertile piece of cooked dough and don’t think for a second I’m paying for it -
- Mr Donaldson, I’m afraid that would be theft and therefore have no option but to contact the police and -
- But I’ve already paid for the jam, how’s that theft? It’s you buggers who forgot to include it in my purchase and still charged me for it, that’s stupidity and theft… -
- It doesn’t work like that I’m afraid -
- You’re afraid? I’m scared shitless whenever I buy a doughnut as to whether there’s going to be any filling in the bugger! Oh and another thing, why is it always in the end eh? Why is that meagre bit of jam always in the second to last bite so it spills down your shirt front eh? - I wiped the spittle from my chin.
- Lucy? Call the police please -
Swearwords: Some strong ones.
Description: When it's time to complain... again.
_____________________________________________________________________
- Right that’s it, the second time this week this has happened! -
Alice groaned. - Look, they’re on special offer, what do you expect? –
- I expect to get what I, You, Anybody pays for! Bloody sick of this... -
- Not the end of the world – My wife cajoled reaching for her walking stick - C’mon I’ll make a brew -
- Nah a brew’s not gonna fix this, I’m taking them back. What you sighing for? You wouldn’t buy a car without an engine would you? Wouldn’t buy a tin of soup with no bloody soup in it would you? It’s the same bloody thing -
- Hello? I’d like to see the manager please. Now -
The girl at the checkout looked at me, at the scrunched paper bag in my hand, then back to me.
- Mr Donaldson I thought we had this matter resolved on Tuesday, Mr Clarkson is very busy at the... -
- The. Manager. - I hissed.
Another sigh.
- Mr Donaldson? - A weary voice behind me. - As previously discussed all I can offer is a replacement or a refund. These things really are out of my control but perhaps if you wrote to customer services I’m sure… -
- Write to customer services?! I don’t want to write to customer services, I want a bloody jam doughnut! I’ve paid for a jam doughnut, it’s advertised as a bloody jam doughnut but guess what? NO BLOODY ‘JAM’ IN SAID FUCKING ‘DOUGHNUT’!! If I wanted a plain doughnut guess what? -
- You would have bought a plain doughnut - the manager quoted Tuesday’s outburst.
- Fuckin right! Now as this is the second time I’l just have to resolve it myself. Do you sell jam? Jars of jam? Yes? Ok show me. I’m going to put my own fucking jam in this infertile piece of cooked dough and don’t think for a second I’m paying for it -
- Mr Donaldson, I’m afraid that would be theft and therefore have no option but to contact the police and -
- But I’ve already paid for the jam, how’s that theft? It’s you buggers who forgot to include it in my purchase and still charged me for it, that’s stupidity and theft… -
- It doesn’t work like that I’m afraid -
- You’re afraid? I’m scared shitless whenever I buy a doughnut as to whether there’s going to be any filling in the bugger! Oh and another thing, why is it always in the end eh? Why is that meagre bit of jam always in the second to last bite so it spills down your shirt front eh? - I wiped the spittle from my chin.
- Lucy? Call the police please -
About the Author
Born in Dunfermline, raised on the Orkney Isles and now residing in Cheshire, Andrew Velzian says he scribbles a few stories in between working and sleeping.