Nivir a lender nur a borrower be
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: Everybody needs good neighbours, but familiarity breeds contempt.
____________________________________________________________________
….......Tap en' a' Solkits. 9:45 pm Friday.
Sheena wis multi-taskin'. 'Ur feet steeped in a solution a' tea-tree iyul an' watter, four 'oors worth a' recorded soaps oan ri telly an' 'ur knittin' needles clackin' awa' rhythmically, she wis in a world e' 'ur ain.
Chalkie, 'ur man, wis similarly occupied, if slightly less so. 'Es back tae ri telly tae show 'es disdain fur ri shite 'es missus wis watchin', 'es crossword spread oot in front e' 'um an' et 'es right elba, ri brand new copy e' 'es Anglin' Weekly, fresh through ri door rat very moarnin'.
RAT-TAT-TE-TAT-RAT-TAT.
“Waant me tae get rat?” says Chalkie, wi' jeest enough irony in 'es vice so is tae no' cause a rammy.
“Stewie....whit kin A dae fur ye?”
“Sorry tae borr ye, neebur. A'm in a bit e' a fix here an' A wis wunnerin' if ye could mibbes help is oot ataw?”
“Whit's ri problem?”
“A coupla ma pals've jist drapped by fae naewhair, see? A wis fur ma kip birra jist cannae turn rum awa', ken? Ri 'hing is, Chalkie, ma man, A huvnae a drap in ri hoose tae gie rum a swally, ken? Ye widnae huv some spare bevvy lyin' aboot wid ye? Aw ri shopes is shut bey noo, ken?”
“Come awa' ben ri kitchen an' let's huv a swatch, Stewie. Here, yu'r in luck. Rer's a boatul a' Grouse A'll no' bey needin' fur ri furseeable. Wull rat dae ye?”
“Yu'r a pure lifesaver, Chalkie, so ye ur. Yu'll gerrit back ower ri weeken', pal. Yu'r a star so ye ur. Much abliged.”
“Rat's ri last yu'v seen a' rat, so it is,” says Sheena, pausin' Easten'ers in mid rammy tae get 'ur two bob's worth in. “Rat wee alky'll huv furgote aw aboorit in ri moarnin'.”
“Ach, wee Stewie's awright, so 'e is. Awa' back tae watchin' yur pish an' gie's peace, wull ye?”
…........Seturday, high noon. 'Drussin Asda. Ri booze aisle.
Wee Stewie's git wan e' rey trollies rit's git a mind e' its ain and 'es already clatter't intae anur two trollies. Chalkie's wis ri thurd.
“Imagine bumpin' intae yous two,” says Stewie, ignorin' ri glare fae Sheena an' engagin' Chalkie wi' ri patter. Reachin' ower 'es trolley, 'e selects a boatul a' Grouse fae ri shelf an' places it carefully in Chalkie's trolley. “Here, Chalkie, while a'v a mind, rer's rat boatul ye lent is last night. Much appreciatit, neebur. Yu'r some man so ye ur.” Wi' rat, 'e wis back tae wrestlin' wi' 'es trolley again.
“See,” says Chalkie, “you says 'e widda furgote aw aboorit. D'ye mind?”
“Aye, A mind aw right,” says Sheena, “bit ri wee alky bastart's still done ye up lik' a kipper, ya stupit baw-bag.”
“How d'ye work rat wan oot?”
“Rat wis a litre ye gied 'um last night an' 'es only gied ye a 70cl back, ya slow choob.”
“Shite in a bucket, yu'r only right rer, Sheena doll. Probly a wee oversight bey Stewie. Here, A'll gie 'um a shout an' gerrit soartit oot.........HAW.....STEWIE......C'MERE A WEE MEENIT, SON, WULL YE?”
“Shurrup ya mad bam ye, Chalkie. Shoutin' oot in ri shope lik rat. Yu'v gote mey aw embarrassed noo ya eejit.”
“See, A gote ri wee man's attention. Here 'e comes. Whit's 'e like wi' thon trolley, eh?”
Stewie made it back tae whair rey wur, a luk oan 'es coupon lik' 'ed been cote wi' 'es haun' in ri till. Birry latched oan quick smert whin Chalkie jumped in wi' ri reason fur ri recall.
“Rat should be a litre, son. A gied ye a litre a' Grouse last night, so A did.”
“Jeezo, Chalkie,” agreed Stewie, “yu'r right enough, ma man. Ma apologies fur ri misunerstaunin'. Here, let mey rectify ri situation immediately, if no' sooner. Rer's a litre. Gie mey rat wan an' A'll pirrit back. An' here, let mey gie ye hauf a dozen Babychams fur ri lovely Sheena rer bey wye e' an apology. A ken she likes rem.”
“Brand new, Stewie. Here, A'll see ye doon ri boolin' club ri morra fur ri Wappenshaw?”
“Rat ye wull, son. See yis.........Missus.”
“See, rer yar, Sheena. Soartit.”
“Aye, birronly 'cause A says sum'hin'. C'moan, let's get ri rest e' ris shopin' done.”
“A'm shair ru'v pit sum e' rur prices up,” says Chalkie is 'e loadit ri shopin' intae ri boot e' ri caur. “Gets dearer ev'ry bliddy week so it dis.”
“Wu'r no' done yit,” warn't Sheena, “wu'v still git Aldi tae go tae.”
“Wull wey go tae ri Nonsuch furra coffee furst, hen?”
“How?”
“A huvnae picked ma hoarses yit.”
“Whirr've ye been dain' aw moarnin'?”
“Cleanin' oot ma pigeon hut. A'v git yunks due.”
“You an' rem pigeons. A'm shair ye 'hink mair e' rem rin ye dae e' me.”
“Ye don't hauf talk some pish sumtums, Sheena doll. Rur's no' wan e' rem pigeons kin cook a roast dinner lik' yursel'.”
“Aw right, aw right ya smooth talkin' bastart. A'll huv a wee blether wi' Mary Doll while ye pick yur hoarses.”
….........Seturday efternin. 1:45 pm. Ri tap en' a' Solkits.
Chalkie wis in e's element. 'E hid jeest flung two steak bakes doon 'es neck efter drappin' Sheena et 'ur Murr's. Seturday efternins wis 'es ain personal kick-back time, hud been furra a guid few year noo. Athletics an' racin' oan ri telly, hauf a dozen rid tins in ri fridge; oh, aye, an' a litre a Grouse cloakin' in ri cupboard if 'e fancied a wee hauf. Sheena kent tae get a taxi hame fae 'ur Murr's hoose. Braw, bit ri day, rur wis sum'hin' chewin' et 'um, sum'hin' 'e couldnae quite pit 'es fingur oan. Aye, rat wis it. 'E couldnae git ower ri price e' rat shopin' earlier oan. Rur wis gonnae huv tae bey cutbacks fur shair.
RAT-TAT-TE-TAT-RAT-TAT.
“Shursel', Stewie. Sumhin' up, son?”
“A'v only went an' loked masel' oot, Chalkie. Kin A yais yur phone tae get oor Maud tae come roon' wi' ri spare key?”
“Aye, nae borr, son. C'moan ben ri hoose an' help yursel'. Ye kin wait here fur your Maud if ye waant?”
“If it's no' too much trouble, Chalkie? Yu'r sum neebur so ye ur.”
“Ach, yu'r fine, man. A mean,whirrur neeburs fur ataw, eh? Here, wull ye huv a wee hauf while yu'r waitin'? Mibbes a rid tin? Huv ye hud sumhin' tae eat?”
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: Everybody needs good neighbours, but familiarity breeds contempt.
____________________________________________________________________
….......Tap en' a' Solkits. 9:45 pm Friday.
Sheena wis multi-taskin'. 'Ur feet steeped in a solution a' tea-tree iyul an' watter, four 'oors worth a' recorded soaps oan ri telly an' 'ur knittin' needles clackin' awa' rhythmically, she wis in a world e' 'ur ain.
Chalkie, 'ur man, wis similarly occupied, if slightly less so. 'Es back tae ri telly tae show 'es disdain fur ri shite 'es missus wis watchin', 'es crossword spread oot in front e' 'um an' et 'es right elba, ri brand new copy e' 'es Anglin' Weekly, fresh through ri door rat very moarnin'.
RAT-TAT-TE-TAT-RAT-TAT.
“Waant me tae get rat?” says Chalkie, wi' jeest enough irony in 'es vice so is tae no' cause a rammy.
“Stewie....whit kin A dae fur ye?”
“Sorry tae borr ye, neebur. A'm in a bit e' a fix here an' A wis wunnerin' if ye could mibbes help is oot ataw?”
“Whit's ri problem?”
“A coupla ma pals've jist drapped by fae naewhair, see? A wis fur ma kip birra jist cannae turn rum awa', ken? Ri 'hing is, Chalkie, ma man, A huvnae a drap in ri hoose tae gie rum a swally, ken? Ye widnae huv some spare bevvy lyin' aboot wid ye? Aw ri shopes is shut bey noo, ken?”
“Come awa' ben ri kitchen an' let's huv a swatch, Stewie. Here, yu'r in luck. Rer's a boatul a' Grouse A'll no' bey needin' fur ri furseeable. Wull rat dae ye?”
“Yu'r a pure lifesaver, Chalkie, so ye ur. Yu'll gerrit back ower ri weeken', pal. Yu'r a star so ye ur. Much abliged.”
“Rat's ri last yu'v seen a' rat, so it is,” says Sheena, pausin' Easten'ers in mid rammy tae get 'ur two bob's worth in. “Rat wee alky'll huv furgote aw aboorit in ri moarnin'.”
“Ach, wee Stewie's awright, so 'e is. Awa' back tae watchin' yur pish an' gie's peace, wull ye?”
…........Seturday, high noon. 'Drussin Asda. Ri booze aisle.
Wee Stewie's git wan e' rey trollies rit's git a mind e' its ain and 'es already clatter't intae anur two trollies. Chalkie's wis ri thurd.
“Imagine bumpin' intae yous two,” says Stewie, ignorin' ri glare fae Sheena an' engagin' Chalkie wi' ri patter. Reachin' ower 'es trolley, 'e selects a boatul a' Grouse fae ri shelf an' places it carefully in Chalkie's trolley. “Here, Chalkie, while a'v a mind, rer's rat boatul ye lent is last night. Much appreciatit, neebur. Yu'r some man so ye ur.” Wi' rat, 'e wis back tae wrestlin' wi' 'es trolley again.
“See,” says Chalkie, “you says 'e widda furgote aw aboorit. D'ye mind?”
“Aye, A mind aw right,” says Sheena, “bit ri wee alky bastart's still done ye up lik' a kipper, ya stupit baw-bag.”
“How d'ye work rat wan oot?”
“Rat wis a litre ye gied 'um last night an' 'es only gied ye a 70cl back, ya slow choob.”
“Shite in a bucket, yu'r only right rer, Sheena doll. Probly a wee oversight bey Stewie. Here, A'll gie 'um a shout an' gerrit soartit oot.........HAW.....STEWIE......C'MERE A WEE MEENIT, SON, WULL YE?”
“Shurrup ya mad bam ye, Chalkie. Shoutin' oot in ri shope lik rat. Yu'v gote mey aw embarrassed noo ya eejit.”
“See, A gote ri wee man's attention. Here 'e comes. Whit's 'e like wi' thon trolley, eh?”
Stewie made it back tae whair rey wur, a luk oan 'es coupon lik' 'ed been cote wi' 'es haun' in ri till. Birry latched oan quick smert whin Chalkie jumped in wi' ri reason fur ri recall.
“Rat should be a litre, son. A gied ye a litre a' Grouse last night, so A did.”
“Jeezo, Chalkie,” agreed Stewie, “yu'r right enough, ma man. Ma apologies fur ri misunerstaunin'. Here, let mey rectify ri situation immediately, if no' sooner. Rer's a litre. Gie mey rat wan an' A'll pirrit back. An' here, let mey gie ye hauf a dozen Babychams fur ri lovely Sheena rer bey wye e' an apology. A ken she likes rem.”
“Brand new, Stewie. Here, A'll see ye doon ri boolin' club ri morra fur ri Wappenshaw?”
“Rat ye wull, son. See yis.........Missus.”
“See, rer yar, Sheena. Soartit.”
“Aye, birronly 'cause A says sum'hin'. C'moan, let's get ri rest e' ris shopin' done.”
“A'm shair ru'v pit sum e' rur prices up,” says Chalkie is 'e loadit ri shopin' intae ri boot e' ri caur. “Gets dearer ev'ry bliddy week so it dis.”
“Wu'r no' done yit,” warn't Sheena, “wu'v still git Aldi tae go tae.”
“Wull wey go tae ri Nonsuch furra coffee furst, hen?”
“How?”
“A huvnae picked ma hoarses yit.”
“Whirr've ye been dain' aw moarnin'?”
“Cleanin' oot ma pigeon hut. A'v git yunks due.”
“You an' rem pigeons. A'm shair ye 'hink mair e' rem rin ye dae e' me.”
“Ye don't hauf talk some pish sumtums, Sheena doll. Rur's no' wan e' rem pigeons kin cook a roast dinner lik' yursel'.”
“Aw right, aw right ya smooth talkin' bastart. A'll huv a wee blether wi' Mary Doll while ye pick yur hoarses.”
….........Seturday efternin. 1:45 pm. Ri tap en' a' Solkits.
Chalkie wis in e's element. 'E hid jeest flung two steak bakes doon 'es neck efter drappin' Sheena et 'ur Murr's. Seturday efternins wis 'es ain personal kick-back time, hud been furra a guid few year noo. Athletics an' racin' oan ri telly, hauf a dozen rid tins in ri fridge; oh, aye, an' a litre a Grouse cloakin' in ri cupboard if 'e fancied a wee hauf. Sheena kent tae get a taxi hame fae 'ur Murr's hoose. Braw, bit ri day, rur wis sum'hin' chewin' et 'um, sum'hin' 'e couldnae quite pit 'es fingur oan. Aye, rat wis it. 'E couldnae git ower ri price e' rat shopin' earlier oan. Rur wis gonnae huv tae bey cutbacks fur shair.
RAT-TAT-TE-TAT-RAT-TAT.
“Shursel', Stewie. Sumhin' up, son?”
“A'v only went an' loked masel' oot, Chalkie. Kin A yais yur phone tae get oor Maud tae come roon' wi' ri spare key?”
“Aye, nae borr, son. C'moan ben ri hoose an' help yursel'. Ye kin wait here fur your Maud if ye waant?”
“If it's no' too much trouble, Chalkie? Yu'r sum neebur so ye ur.”
“Ach, yu'r fine, man. A mean,whirrur neeburs fur ataw, eh? Here, wull ye huv a wee hauf while yu'r waitin'? Mibbes a rid tin? Huv ye hud sumhin' tae eat?”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing.
Angus is the author of ten novels, two short story collections and four collections of McLimericks. All but three of his books are McStorytellers publications.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
Angus is the author of ten novels, two short story collections and four collections of McLimericks. All but three of his books are McStorytellers publications.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.