My Mother's Iguana
by Brian Morrison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: A one act comedy play which takes place on a bus heading for Greenock.
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE: On a 585 bus bound for Greenock. Apart from the driver, there are only four people and one dog on the bus. They are DOT CRAWFORD, HARRY McKENZIE, ROSS KINNING and LENNY DEVINE.
Dot sits with her dog by her side about half way down the bus on the left. Harry and Ross sit together about four seats behind. Lenny sits on his own, directly across from Harry and Ross.
HARRY: Don’t fancy yours much, Ross.
ROSS: Whit dae ye mean?
HARRY: They two birds in front. The two blondes. I don’t fancy the wan oan the outside seat. She can be yours. She looks like a right dog tae me.
DOT: Ah heard that.
HARRY: Sorry doll, Ah couldn’t resist that, but yer dug diz look like a wumman fae the back, wi’ its long hair an’ that.
DOT: Ah’m sure that HE wouldn’t like bein’ called a wumman.
HARRY: Oops, sorry. Whit’s his name?
DOT: Rebel.
HARRY: Rebel?
DOT: Aye, he’s an Afghan.
HARRY: Ha Ha, nice wan.
ROSS: Ah don’t get that. Whit ur ye laughin’ at?
HARRY: (to Dot) Ye’ll need tae excuse ma pal Ross here. He disnae get irony.
DOT: So Ah see.
HARRY: Ah’ll tell ye a better wan. Ah’m Harry, by the way. The last dug that we hud wiz called Syn.
DOT: Sin? – That’s a bit dark. Why call him that?
HARRY: Well fur a start, it isnae Syn spelt wi’ an ‘I’ – it is Syn spelt wi’ a ‘Y’. It is short fur ‘Syndrome’. Ah jist wanted tae get a cheap laugh when it jumped up oan people.
ROSS: Ah don’t get that wan either.
DOT: Ah dae. Nice wan, Harry.
HARRY: Aye, he’s no’ the quickest . . . so we know the dug’s name. Whit’s yours?
DOT: Dot.
HARRY: Where ur ye aff tae, Dot?
DOT: Whit diz it say oan the front o’ the bus?
ROSS: Ha Ha – she got ye wi’ that wan, Harry.
HARRY: Agreed – Ah walked right intae it.
DOT: Ah’m gauin’ up tae Greenock tae visit ma mother. She has got hersel’ a new pet, an’ she is desperate fur me tae see it. It’s an Iguana. Don’t know whit Rebel will make o’ it though.
ROSS: Aw, Ah love Iguanas. They’re dead gallus.
DOT: Well, ma mother thinks it is wonderful. That wiz her exact word fur it – ‘Wonderful’. We’ll soon see . . . so whit aboot you, Harry? Whit’s your story?
HARRY: Ma story? Ah’m a farmer. Ah work wi’ ma uncle doon at Newmilns. Ah’m gaun up tae Greenock tae look o’er a new type Baler.
DOT: A whit?
HARRY: A Balin’ machine. It makes bales o’ hay. Huv ye ever wondered where those big cylinders o’ hay come from when they appear dotted all aroon the countryside?
DOT: Ah thought it wiz aliens that made them. Ha Ha.
HARRY: Good wan – Well the story is, we use the big Balin’ machine tae make them.
DOT: So you’re a farmer then?
HARRY: Aye, but high tech, ye know! We don’t go aroon wi’ pitch forks an’ ploughs any mare.
DOT: Whit aboot you, Ross? You a farmer tae?
ROSS: Naw, Ah work in ma da’s business. Scrap metal – but today Ah’m stoppin’ aff at the Inverclyde hospital in Greenock. Ah’ve got an appointment tae get ma heart checked oot. Ma GP referred me. Ah huv tae run oan treadmills an’ aw that shit while Ah’m wired up tae machines.
DOT: Sorry tae hear that.
ROSS: Ach Ah’m sure Ah’ll be fine.
DOT: And whit aboot the third Amigo? Whit’s your name? You’re no’ sayin’ much.
LENNY: Me? Em – sorry but Ah’m no’ wi’ these guys. The name is Lenny.
HARRY: Please tae meet ye, Lenny – let me guess noo . . . you’re gaun’ tae Greenock as well.
LENNY: Aye, you’re right. Ah’m actually goin’ tae enlist in the forces today. Everythin’ has been organised. Passed ma medical – forms have been filled in. Ah’ve just got tae appear fur a final interview an’ sign ma life away, so tae speak.
ROSS: Well good luck pal. It wouldn’t be me – that’s fur sure.
DOT: Hey, wait a minute guys! Do ye know whit is happenin’ here?
LENNY: Ah don’t get yer meanin’.
DOT: It’s weird! It is like we are a’ in a movie or somethin’.
HARRY: You’ll need tae elaborate, Dot. Ah don’t get ye either.
DOT: It’s like a set up. Just like in the story. Harry – you are a farmer, an’ you’re away tae see aboot makin’ hay. You’re the straw man. Ross – you are a scrappy – the tin man. And you are gauin’ tae the hospital tae get yer ticker checked oot . . . and Lenny – you are a lion. Committed tae a fight. A right bravery test. Ye maybe even get yersel a medal. See where Ah’m goin’ here guys? The straw man, the tin man and the lion.
ROSS: Brilliant! Ah get it . . . Down Syndrome!!!
HARRY: Ah told ye he wiz slow.
DOT: That’s great Ross – ye finally got the joke. Ah’m made up fur ye pal – but yer timin’ is shite. Ye nearly ruined the one act play! Noo where wiz Ah?
HARRY: Oan a bus goin’ tae Greenock.
DOT: Aye – exactly! It’s in the name . . . Greenock. The Emerald City.
HARRY: So then you must be…
DOT: Ah’m Dot – which is short fur Dorothy. And me an’ ma dug are off tae see the Lizard. The wonderful Lizard of Maw’s.
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: A one act comedy play which takes place on a bus heading for Greenock.
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE: On a 585 bus bound for Greenock. Apart from the driver, there are only four people and one dog on the bus. They are DOT CRAWFORD, HARRY McKENZIE, ROSS KINNING and LENNY DEVINE.
Dot sits with her dog by her side about half way down the bus on the left. Harry and Ross sit together about four seats behind. Lenny sits on his own, directly across from Harry and Ross.
HARRY: Don’t fancy yours much, Ross.
ROSS: Whit dae ye mean?
HARRY: They two birds in front. The two blondes. I don’t fancy the wan oan the outside seat. She can be yours. She looks like a right dog tae me.
DOT: Ah heard that.
HARRY: Sorry doll, Ah couldn’t resist that, but yer dug diz look like a wumman fae the back, wi’ its long hair an’ that.
DOT: Ah’m sure that HE wouldn’t like bein’ called a wumman.
HARRY: Oops, sorry. Whit’s his name?
DOT: Rebel.
HARRY: Rebel?
DOT: Aye, he’s an Afghan.
HARRY: Ha Ha, nice wan.
ROSS: Ah don’t get that. Whit ur ye laughin’ at?
HARRY: (to Dot) Ye’ll need tae excuse ma pal Ross here. He disnae get irony.
DOT: So Ah see.
HARRY: Ah’ll tell ye a better wan. Ah’m Harry, by the way. The last dug that we hud wiz called Syn.
DOT: Sin? – That’s a bit dark. Why call him that?
HARRY: Well fur a start, it isnae Syn spelt wi’ an ‘I’ – it is Syn spelt wi’ a ‘Y’. It is short fur ‘Syndrome’. Ah jist wanted tae get a cheap laugh when it jumped up oan people.
ROSS: Ah don’t get that wan either.
DOT: Ah dae. Nice wan, Harry.
HARRY: Aye, he’s no’ the quickest . . . so we know the dug’s name. Whit’s yours?
DOT: Dot.
HARRY: Where ur ye aff tae, Dot?
DOT: Whit diz it say oan the front o’ the bus?
ROSS: Ha Ha – she got ye wi’ that wan, Harry.
HARRY: Agreed – Ah walked right intae it.
DOT: Ah’m gauin’ up tae Greenock tae visit ma mother. She has got hersel’ a new pet, an’ she is desperate fur me tae see it. It’s an Iguana. Don’t know whit Rebel will make o’ it though.
ROSS: Aw, Ah love Iguanas. They’re dead gallus.
DOT: Well, ma mother thinks it is wonderful. That wiz her exact word fur it – ‘Wonderful’. We’ll soon see . . . so whit aboot you, Harry? Whit’s your story?
HARRY: Ma story? Ah’m a farmer. Ah work wi’ ma uncle doon at Newmilns. Ah’m gaun up tae Greenock tae look o’er a new type Baler.
DOT: A whit?
HARRY: A Balin’ machine. It makes bales o’ hay. Huv ye ever wondered where those big cylinders o’ hay come from when they appear dotted all aroon the countryside?
DOT: Ah thought it wiz aliens that made them. Ha Ha.
HARRY: Good wan – Well the story is, we use the big Balin’ machine tae make them.
DOT: So you’re a farmer then?
HARRY: Aye, but high tech, ye know! We don’t go aroon wi’ pitch forks an’ ploughs any mare.
DOT: Whit aboot you, Ross? You a farmer tae?
ROSS: Naw, Ah work in ma da’s business. Scrap metal – but today Ah’m stoppin’ aff at the Inverclyde hospital in Greenock. Ah’ve got an appointment tae get ma heart checked oot. Ma GP referred me. Ah huv tae run oan treadmills an’ aw that shit while Ah’m wired up tae machines.
DOT: Sorry tae hear that.
ROSS: Ach Ah’m sure Ah’ll be fine.
DOT: And whit aboot the third Amigo? Whit’s your name? You’re no’ sayin’ much.
LENNY: Me? Em – sorry but Ah’m no’ wi’ these guys. The name is Lenny.
HARRY: Please tae meet ye, Lenny – let me guess noo . . . you’re gaun’ tae Greenock as well.
LENNY: Aye, you’re right. Ah’m actually goin’ tae enlist in the forces today. Everythin’ has been organised. Passed ma medical – forms have been filled in. Ah’ve just got tae appear fur a final interview an’ sign ma life away, so tae speak.
ROSS: Well good luck pal. It wouldn’t be me – that’s fur sure.
DOT: Hey, wait a minute guys! Do ye know whit is happenin’ here?
LENNY: Ah don’t get yer meanin’.
DOT: It’s weird! It is like we are a’ in a movie or somethin’.
HARRY: You’ll need tae elaborate, Dot. Ah don’t get ye either.
DOT: It’s like a set up. Just like in the story. Harry – you are a farmer, an’ you’re away tae see aboot makin’ hay. You’re the straw man. Ross – you are a scrappy – the tin man. And you are gauin’ tae the hospital tae get yer ticker checked oot . . . and Lenny – you are a lion. Committed tae a fight. A right bravery test. Ye maybe even get yersel a medal. See where Ah’m goin’ here guys? The straw man, the tin man and the lion.
ROSS: Brilliant! Ah get it . . . Down Syndrome!!!
HARRY: Ah told ye he wiz slow.
DOT: That’s great Ross – ye finally got the joke. Ah’m made up fur ye pal – but yer timin’ is shite. Ye nearly ruined the one act play! Noo where wiz Ah?
HARRY: Oan a bus goin’ tae Greenock.
DOT: Aye – exactly! It’s in the name . . . Greenock. The Emerald City.
HARRY: So then you must be…
DOT: Ah’m Dot – which is short fur Dorothy. And me an’ ma dug are off tae see the Lizard. The wonderful Lizard of Maw’s.
About the Author
Born in Saltcoats, Brian Morrison has a day job at the Hunterston Power Station. But in his other life he is well known as a caricaturist, a comedy sketch writer and more recently a novelist.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.