It's A Kinda Magic
by Brian Morrison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: Wee Archie is at his wits' end with regards to the size of his old three-piece suite. “Who you gonna call?” Answer, the only man left on the planet who can help him.
_____________________________________________________________________
FX: Phone ringing.
I was told to put that in . . . FX . . . Quite clever, isn’t it? Sounds a bit like “Effects”. I wonder if that is a coincidence or not.
Naw, I’m just pulling your leg. I know fine well that “FX: Phone ringing” means that it is the sound that a ringing telephone makes, as used in stage play dramas and radio scripts. Mind you, the term “Phone ringing” should be changed to reflect modern life. Take my ring tone for instance. When someone calls me I get Taylor Swift’s voice warblin’ on. It does my nut right in! My wife uploaded it and I am no’ technically gifted enough to get rid of it.
Taped voices are used more and more now for ring tones. I personally think that it’s a ploy. The more annoying the voice is, the quicker you answer the phone. That is certainly the case with Taylor Swift, let me tell you!
I said that I was in some ways technically challenged, but I did manage to upload a celebrity voice on to the Sat Nav in my car. It’s Bonnie Tyler who gives me driving directions. The only problem is, she keeps telling me to “Turn around”.
And every now and then it falls apart!
But I digress. Let’s get back to the script. This story does indeed start with a phone ringing, it isn’t my phone – it is Mr David’s phone that rings . . .
FX: Phone ringing.
David: Hello.
David: Who is this?
David: Yes you are.
David: Oh I see – a gig?
David: You do realise who you are talking to, sir. I am David Copperfield, award winning entertainer, magician and illusionist.
David: Is the gig in Las Vegas? LA? New York?
David: Er . . . I don’t quite understand! . . . suite??
David: Look – Archie – I really don’t think that I can help you.
David: Yes I did but-
David: That is also true, but the thing is-
David: Look, Archie, I don’t think-
David: Hey. I just suddenly remembered that I left the coffee percolator running.
Swearwords: None.
Description: Wee Archie is at his wits' end with regards to the size of his old three-piece suite. “Who you gonna call?” Answer, the only man left on the planet who can help him.
_____________________________________________________________________
FX: Phone ringing.
I was told to put that in . . . FX . . . Quite clever, isn’t it? Sounds a bit like “Effects”. I wonder if that is a coincidence or not.
Naw, I’m just pulling your leg. I know fine well that “FX: Phone ringing” means that it is the sound that a ringing telephone makes, as used in stage play dramas and radio scripts. Mind you, the term “Phone ringing” should be changed to reflect modern life. Take my ring tone for instance. When someone calls me I get Taylor Swift’s voice warblin’ on. It does my nut right in! My wife uploaded it and I am no’ technically gifted enough to get rid of it.
Taped voices are used more and more now for ring tones. I personally think that it’s a ploy. The more annoying the voice is, the quicker you answer the phone. That is certainly the case with Taylor Swift, let me tell you!
I said that I was in some ways technically challenged, but I did manage to upload a celebrity voice on to the Sat Nav in my car. It’s Bonnie Tyler who gives me driving directions. The only problem is, she keeps telling me to “Turn around”.
And every now and then it falls apart!
But I digress. Let’s get back to the script. This story does indeed start with a phone ringing, it isn’t my phone – it is Mr David’s phone that rings . . .
FX: Phone ringing.
David: Hello.
- Hi, is that you, Davie boy?
David: Who is this?
- It’s wee Archie here. Am I speaking to David Copperfield?
David: Yes you are.
- That’s grand, ‘cos I’ve got a wee job for ye.
David: Oh I see – a gig?
- Aye that’s it. A wee gig. Should be a dead easy job for you.
David: You do realise who you are talking to, sir. I am David Copperfield, award winning entertainer, magician and illusionist.
- Of course I know who you are! I am one of your biggest fans. I think that you are a superbly talented big chap. That’s why this particular wee job is going to be a scoosh case for ye.
David: Is the gig in Las Vegas? LA? New York?
- Naw, son – Saltcoats. Can ye possibly make it for Thursday afternoon? The suite is gettin’ delivered on Friday.
David: Er . . . I don’t quite understand! . . . suite??
- Aye, ye see the thing is, right. When they brought the old one into the house – the guys had no problem whatsoever in gettin’ it in through the doors. But now! . . . I don’t know if it has swelled up or somethin’, but you would honestly think that they had built the house around the bloody thing!
David: Look – Archie – I really don’t think that I can help you.
- You can’t help me? Am I right in saying that you are the same David Copperfield who walked through the Great Wall of China?
David: Yes I did but-
- And did you make the Statue of Liberty disappear into thin air?
David: That is also true, but the thing is-
- Well then, gettin’ my old suite moved out of my living room into the front garden should be a breeze! But you need to do it on Thursday, as I said, ‘cos they deliver the new suite on Friday. I’ll make sure that you get a wee cup of tea, or if you do a really good job I might even run to a wee can o’ export. How does that grab ye?
David: Look, Archie, I don’t think-
- I know what you’re goin’ to say, I really do, but you can relax. Your secret will be safe in our street. I have been on to the neighbours. We are all goin’ to look the other way so as we don’t see how you do it. Know what I mean? Magic Circle an’ all that jazz. You can trust us . . . well most of us anyway.
David: Hey. I just suddenly remembered that I left the coffee percolator running.
- No probs, big chap, but you will need the address. It’s number 7 Shaw Place . . . Dave . . . Davie . . . are you there, Dave? Hello? Aw he’s away! What a plonker! Talented guy, but a plonker just the same.
About the Author
Born in Saltcoats, Brian Morrison has a day job at the Hunterston Power Station. But in his other life he is well known as a caricaturist and comedy sketch writer. More recently, he has become a novelist and a writer of children's stories. His dark comedy, Blister, is available on Amazon.