Interview With The Deity
by Alasdair McPherson
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: A dream – or a major breakthrough in communications!
_____________________________________________________________________
I cannot vouch for any part of this article: I have no proof, no collaborative evidence, not a single document or voice recording. I am a journalist, sceptical by nature, training and experience and I think it is worth presenting to you: You must believe it or not, as you please.
It certainly started with a dream. I knew that I was in bed but I was suddenly in my living room conscious that I was waiting for someone. Without warning, I found myself in an office facing a man, looking just like the pictures of Mark Twain, across a vast desk; I remember that the skiver was green with gold tooling. Before I could react, the scene changed again and I was walking in the country aware that someone was walking alongside me. To be exact: I sensed a presence but when I turned my head he seemed to move back a pace to keep out of my line of vision.
“Oh dear, I keep trying to put you at ease but you seem to be getting more agitated,” said a pleasant, disembodied voice close to my left ear.
“What the hell is going on?”
My invisible companion chuckled. “More like ‘what the heaven’. I am God and I want to give you an interview.”
“Right! You are the Omnipotent Creator and you want me to write your story? I don’t think so!”
“It is my latest idea for getting a dialogue going with humanity. Over the centuries, I have tried many different ways with very mixed success. I don’t think I really understand humans very well.”
“What sort of things have you tried in the past?” I asked, becoming intrigued in spite of my suspicion that this was the result of eating cheese at supper.
“Well, let me see? The first chapter of Genesis is a good example of the kind of thing that goes wrong. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were kept like domestic pets. All they had to do was exist: no responsibility, food and shelter provided, everything done for them. Then I expelled them. My idea was to let them see how much richer life would be if they had to struggle to survive with all the joy and sorrow that entails. To my horror, the religious freaks have interpreted the expulsion as a disgrace: they went on to develop those ideas of original sin that have shackled the human race for millennia.”
“Do you mean that you approve of Eve tempting Adam?”
“Well of course – it was no accident that I made sex so much fun.”
“Hold on a minute. Are you saying that you really did write the first five books of the bible?”
“Not ‘write’ exactly: I inspired them. I do it all the time - as a matter of fact, I am inspiring you now.
“Mind you, my inspiration is often misinterpreted. Poor old Darwin is still not believed in large chunks of the United States. Strangely enough, Crick seems to be accepted.”
“Are you saying that you inspired ‘On the Origin of Species’ and the unravelling of DNA?”
“Who else? I just give them a nudge in the right direction – you humans call it ‘intuition’ but it comes to the same in the end.”
“So, do you often inspire people?”
“Intermittently. As a race you are surprisingly good at working things out for yourselves – you would never have been any good if you had stayed in Eden, you know. I gave Newton a nudge but Einstein worked out relativity without any help from me. You were a bit slow to catch on to the fact that you need black holes to make the universe coalesce so that stars and galaxies could form – pretty obvious, I always thought.”
“Do you restrict your nudges to scientists?”
“What a daft question! Poets probably get more nudges then any other class of human – Robert Burns I consider my greatest success in that area.
“My biggest nudge so far was, of course, the decision to send my son to live as a human being. He brought back some unexpected and interesting insights, I can tell you.
“Of course that attempt at social engineering was not an unqualified success. The human side of Jesus meant that some things went further than I had planned, but He was pretty sound on the whole.”
“What did he do that was unplanned?”
“Oh well, I thought at first that He was far too forgiving – all this turning the other cheek business. I had spent centuries cultivating an image of a stern but fair God. In retrospect I think His ideas worked rather well.”
“You must be pleased that Christianity is still thriving after two thousand years.”
“Certainly! It is nice to get something right. Mind you, I have to laugh at some of the goings on. I always try to spend time at Christmas in the Vatican and Canterbury cathedral. It does make me chuckle to see a model of a humble stable tucked in a corner of a massive stone edifice. In the stable a child, born to a tradesman in rough homespun, is now worshipped by guys in vestments costing a fortune.
“I am omnipotent which, in this instance, means that Jesus could have been born to any station in life – He could have had a hand-me-down chasuble of His very own if I had placed Him with the chief rabbi! I could have made Him heir to Herod, or Augustus, come to that. Mind you, He had a better chance of surviving to adulthood with a decent, hard-working couple like Mary and Joseph!
“Why is it, do you think, that churchmen seem to have missed the fact that my Son lived a simple life doing most of his teaching out of doors dressed in a plain robe? They mean well, I suppose,”
“Can I ask an impertinent question or will you hit me with a thunderbolt?”
He laughed until he was sobbing for breath.
“Thunderbolts are out – definitely not pc. Strokes and heart attacks are in vogue at present: so much easier to explain. I am only kidding, by the way. Do ask your impertinent question - but while I am on the subject, I do think you should get your blood pressure checked.”
“Christians and Muslims – both branches of your empire I take it – terrorists and famine, earthquakes and hurricanes. We have lots of problems at the moment. Are you planning to do anything to help or are you, as some people believe, punishing us for our misdeeds.”
”That is what I think of as the ‘Back to Eden’ syndrome. I lent you the world, now it is for you to make it or break it. I gave one of my best nudges to John Donne a couple of centuries back. ‘No man is an island’ he wrote. Modern communications have shrunk the island since then. The solution to your problems must come from you: ‘send not to ask for whom the bell tolls’. You are all in this together.
“That is really why I wanted to give this interview now. I know that many people no longer believe in me but I just wanted to affirm that I believe in them. In the past you beat things like the Black Death so you should be able to deal with your present difficulties.”
At this point the countryside faded and the walls of my bedroom came into focus. After a minute or two, I got up and typed this on my laptop. Do I believe that I interviewed God? I do not know but I have a couple of things to add.
After a bath and breakfast I came back to my laptop and found the following had been added:
When your ship leaks you can either get together, mend the leak and bale like fury or you can fight each other for a place in the lifeboat. Just remember that planet Earth has no lifeboats.
Finally, I have made an appointment to have my blood pressure checked.
Swearwords: None.
Description: A dream – or a major breakthrough in communications!
_____________________________________________________________________
I cannot vouch for any part of this article: I have no proof, no collaborative evidence, not a single document or voice recording. I am a journalist, sceptical by nature, training and experience and I think it is worth presenting to you: You must believe it or not, as you please.
It certainly started with a dream. I knew that I was in bed but I was suddenly in my living room conscious that I was waiting for someone. Without warning, I found myself in an office facing a man, looking just like the pictures of Mark Twain, across a vast desk; I remember that the skiver was green with gold tooling. Before I could react, the scene changed again and I was walking in the country aware that someone was walking alongside me. To be exact: I sensed a presence but when I turned my head he seemed to move back a pace to keep out of my line of vision.
“Oh dear, I keep trying to put you at ease but you seem to be getting more agitated,” said a pleasant, disembodied voice close to my left ear.
“What the hell is going on?”
My invisible companion chuckled. “More like ‘what the heaven’. I am God and I want to give you an interview.”
“Right! You are the Omnipotent Creator and you want me to write your story? I don’t think so!”
“It is my latest idea for getting a dialogue going with humanity. Over the centuries, I have tried many different ways with very mixed success. I don’t think I really understand humans very well.”
“What sort of things have you tried in the past?” I asked, becoming intrigued in spite of my suspicion that this was the result of eating cheese at supper.
“Well, let me see? The first chapter of Genesis is a good example of the kind of thing that goes wrong. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were kept like domestic pets. All they had to do was exist: no responsibility, food and shelter provided, everything done for them. Then I expelled them. My idea was to let them see how much richer life would be if they had to struggle to survive with all the joy and sorrow that entails. To my horror, the religious freaks have interpreted the expulsion as a disgrace: they went on to develop those ideas of original sin that have shackled the human race for millennia.”
“Do you mean that you approve of Eve tempting Adam?”
“Well of course – it was no accident that I made sex so much fun.”
“Hold on a minute. Are you saying that you really did write the first five books of the bible?”
“Not ‘write’ exactly: I inspired them. I do it all the time - as a matter of fact, I am inspiring you now.
“Mind you, my inspiration is often misinterpreted. Poor old Darwin is still not believed in large chunks of the United States. Strangely enough, Crick seems to be accepted.”
“Are you saying that you inspired ‘On the Origin of Species’ and the unravelling of DNA?”
“Who else? I just give them a nudge in the right direction – you humans call it ‘intuition’ but it comes to the same in the end.”
“So, do you often inspire people?”
“Intermittently. As a race you are surprisingly good at working things out for yourselves – you would never have been any good if you had stayed in Eden, you know. I gave Newton a nudge but Einstein worked out relativity without any help from me. You were a bit slow to catch on to the fact that you need black holes to make the universe coalesce so that stars and galaxies could form – pretty obvious, I always thought.”
“Do you restrict your nudges to scientists?”
“What a daft question! Poets probably get more nudges then any other class of human – Robert Burns I consider my greatest success in that area.
“My biggest nudge so far was, of course, the decision to send my son to live as a human being. He brought back some unexpected and interesting insights, I can tell you.
“Of course that attempt at social engineering was not an unqualified success. The human side of Jesus meant that some things went further than I had planned, but He was pretty sound on the whole.”
“What did he do that was unplanned?”
“Oh well, I thought at first that He was far too forgiving – all this turning the other cheek business. I had spent centuries cultivating an image of a stern but fair God. In retrospect I think His ideas worked rather well.”
“You must be pleased that Christianity is still thriving after two thousand years.”
“Certainly! It is nice to get something right. Mind you, I have to laugh at some of the goings on. I always try to spend time at Christmas in the Vatican and Canterbury cathedral. It does make me chuckle to see a model of a humble stable tucked in a corner of a massive stone edifice. In the stable a child, born to a tradesman in rough homespun, is now worshipped by guys in vestments costing a fortune.
“I am omnipotent which, in this instance, means that Jesus could have been born to any station in life – He could have had a hand-me-down chasuble of His very own if I had placed Him with the chief rabbi! I could have made Him heir to Herod, or Augustus, come to that. Mind you, He had a better chance of surviving to adulthood with a decent, hard-working couple like Mary and Joseph!
“Why is it, do you think, that churchmen seem to have missed the fact that my Son lived a simple life doing most of his teaching out of doors dressed in a plain robe? They mean well, I suppose,”
“Can I ask an impertinent question or will you hit me with a thunderbolt?”
He laughed until he was sobbing for breath.
“Thunderbolts are out – definitely not pc. Strokes and heart attacks are in vogue at present: so much easier to explain. I am only kidding, by the way. Do ask your impertinent question - but while I am on the subject, I do think you should get your blood pressure checked.”
“Christians and Muslims – both branches of your empire I take it – terrorists and famine, earthquakes and hurricanes. We have lots of problems at the moment. Are you planning to do anything to help or are you, as some people believe, punishing us for our misdeeds.”
”That is what I think of as the ‘Back to Eden’ syndrome. I lent you the world, now it is for you to make it or break it. I gave one of my best nudges to John Donne a couple of centuries back. ‘No man is an island’ he wrote. Modern communications have shrunk the island since then. The solution to your problems must come from you: ‘send not to ask for whom the bell tolls’. You are all in this together.
“That is really why I wanted to give this interview now. I know that many people no longer believe in me but I just wanted to affirm that I believe in them. In the past you beat things like the Black Death so you should be able to deal with your present difficulties.”
At this point the countryside faded and the walls of my bedroom came into focus. After a minute or two, I got up and typed this on my laptop. Do I believe that I interviewed God? I do not know but I have a couple of things to add.
After a bath and breakfast I came back to my laptop and found the following had been added:
When your ship leaks you can either get together, mend the leak and bale like fury or you can fight each other for a place in the lifeboat. Just remember that planet Earth has no lifeboats.
Finally, I have made an appointment to have my blood pressure checked.
About the Author
Originally from Dalmuir, Alasdair McPherson is now retired and living in exile in Lincolnshire.
He says he has always wanted to write, but life got in the way until recently. He has already penned two novels and is now trying his hand at short stories.
He says he has always wanted to write, but life got in the way until recently. He has already penned two novels and is now trying his hand at short stories.