Boab saves ri day
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Jeezo, jings an’ help ma Boab. Whit’s in a name?
_____________________________________________________________________
“Five meenits a wis in ri bookie's an' yooz two ur et it again. Whit ur yis fightin' aboot noo?”
“He cawed oor Raberta a boot.”
“Ri hale toon kens rat sa whit ri fuck's ri proablum?”
“A didnae caw 'ur a boot. A says she wis a bike.”
“It's ri wye ye says it ya choob, lit ye meant it. A'm gonnae fuckin' molacate ye so am ur.”
“Haw! Gie it a rest wull yis? Furst tum w'uv hud a few quid aboot is furra while an' yis waant tae fuck aboot lit ris insteed a' gaun' furra few scoops?”
“A'm gonnae kill'um jeest ri same. Mair beer fur us.”
“Ye couldnae kill time ya fanny, c'moan, gie it yur best shoat.”
“See! Here's ri polis ya pair a numpties.”
“Brek it up yooz three, ur a'll huv yis fur breachin' ri peace.”
“Jeest a faimly spat oafficur. A'v goarit cover't here.”
“Faimly ye say?”
“Wu'r cousins.”
“Bit......wan e' yis is black.”
“Wur grampa wis a sailor.”
“Ony road up. Get yursels chased afore a huckle yis. Wu'v enough oan wur plate ri day withoot aw ris pish.”
* * *
“You're claim't is shin is wey git roon rat coarnur so ye ur. Ri polis'll no' save ye ris tum.”
“Whye wait ya choob? Here, huv rat furra stertur.”
“RIGHT! IN RI BACK E' RAT MEAT WAGON.......NOO.”
“Haud oan, Ernie. Sumhin's comin' through oan ri radio. Sumb'dy's turn't ri Bank a' Scoatlin' intae a drive through.”
“Right, Kerry, you take rese three roon' tae ri station an' a'll investigate ri bank.”
* * *
“Jeest dae whit a dae an' wu'll bey oot a' here afore an 'oor's up. OK?”
“Whye ur ye whisperin'?”
“So's rat poliswummin cannae hear is ya stupit bawbag.”
* * *
“Right, name?”
“Boab.”
“An' you?”
“Boab”
“Bit.......yooz two ur twins.”
“Very observant, Kerry doll. A kin see whye ye jine't up fur ri polis.”
“Ye ken fine weel whit a mean. An' yu'll address me is oafficer.....right?”
“A'm cried Boab eftur ma faithur an' he's cried Boab eftur wur uncle Boab.”
“A s'pose you're Boaby tae, ren?”
“Nu'.”
“ 'Hank Goad fur rat.”
“Jeest Boab, Black Boab, so's folk kin tell ri diffrince.”
“Jeezo. whirruva let masel' in fur here?”
“Ony chance e' a wee cup a' tea Kerry doll?”
“A'm no' here tae wetnurse yis. Yis urfur ri cells is shin is a'v gote yur particulars. An' yis address mey is oafficur Packer, gote rat?”
“White wey two sugars fur me, same fur oor Boab. Black Boab?”
“A'll jeest huv a coffee.”
“Haud oan. Rat's ma radio bletherin' et mey, a left it nixt door. A'll bey back in a meenit.”
“ 'Hink shu'll make is a drink.”
“Doubt it. Unless shey's makin' wan fur ursel'. Shey's oan 'ur Pat Malone here hiv yis no' noticed?”
“Fuck. A'm fair parched me an' aw.”
“Wull, serves yis right fur gerrin' is landit in here.”
“Bit you says wey'd bey oot in an 'oor.”
“Here's ri script ren...........”
“...............Yu'r whisperin' again.”
“Wheesht, wull ye furra a fuckin' meenit? Right, ri Solkits Vics is playin' Winton Rovers et ri kickba' ri day an' rur's every chance irr'll aw kick aff..............”
“..........Three a'cloak usually, rat's whin rey kick aff.”
“D'yis waant tae hear ris ur no'? Rey need tae ship polis in fae ootside fur tae keep ri warrin' factions apert, birrit never works oot rat wye fur rum. Ken whirra'm sayin' here? Ru'll need ri cells fur tae keep aw rem 'Drussin heedurs in whin ri shit hits ri fan............”
“.............Rur'll sharely bey mair rin ri wan fan?”
“........A'm gonnae gie you an awfa skelp if ye don't shurrit. An' keep yur vice doon tae. Right, wey keep windin' ris wee Kerry burd up ri wye wu'v been dain', an' whin ri caw comes fur reinforcements shu'll huv nae choice bit tae kick is, see?”
“ 'Hink yursels lucky a wis furra a drink masel. Right, see if wey cannae gerrin front wi' ris paperwork.”
“Nae biscuits, Kerry doll? See me, a cannae drink a cup a' tea withoot a nice biscuit.”
“Aye, me tae hen, nip oot 'n' gerris a packet a' Hobnobs wull ye? A'll gie ye ri dosh fur rum.”
“Yooz'r tryin' tae rip ri pish here, int yis?”
“Dae ye get tae bring rat uniform hame wi' ye?”
“Aye, bit, whit's rat gote tae dae wi' onyhin' ?”
“Jeest askin'. Kin a get yur phone nummer an' wi' could mibbes go oot wan night?”
“Yu'v a cheek oan ye right enough. Haud oan, radio again.”
'ATTENTION ALL AVAILABLE UNITS AND PERSONNEL! THE VICS HAVE GONE THREE UP IN THE FURST FIFTEEN MEENITS. IT'S GONNAE BEY PURE BEDLAM DOON RER. ALL AVAILABLE UNITS, MAKE YOUR WAY TO CAMPBELL PARK.'
“Copy rat, boss.”
' 'ZAT YOU KERRY? MESSAGE FAE SERGEANT BILKO. RU'R GONNAE NEED RI MEAT WAGON DOON RER.'
“Copy rat, boss, a'll bey rer in five.”
“Bilko? Did he say Bilko? 'Zat him aff ri telly?”
“Sergeant Bilko is a very fine polisman a'll huv yis ken.”
“Nivir mind rat Kerry doll. A'm awfy surprised rey need ri meat wagon.”
“How's rat?”
“Wull......Campbell Park's nixt door tae ri slaughterhoose. Rur must bey hunners a' meat wagons doon rone wye.”
“My, bit yur a right wee coamic uren't ye? Right, a'm lerrin' yis aff wi' a warnin' ris tum. A don't waant tae see yis in here again. Gote rat?”
“A huvnae drank ma tea.”
“Wull, drink it.”
“Bit, a need a biscuit a tel't ye.”
“OOT, OOT, OOT. A'v git work tae dae.”
“Haud oan Kerry doll.”
“Whit?”
“Ye didnae gie mey yur nummer.”
“Pursistant, uren't ye. Here y'ar ren. A'll fold it up fur ye. Pirrit in yur back poaket an' don't let yur cousins see it.”
“Braw. Kin ye no' drap is doon ri toon.”
“Get yursels chased. It's only ower the railway bridge.”
* * *
“Did a no' say wey widnae bey in rer fur long?”
“Ye did rat, right enough.”
“Shouldnae a' been rer bit fur yooz two. A'll need tae keep you oan a shoart lead Black Boab.”
“How me?”
“Seems tae me it's you rit sterts it aw ri time, an' wan e' rese days it's gonnae backfire oan ye big time.”
“How's rat ren?”
“Yu'll pick oan me 'hinkin' a'm oor Boab an' a'll kick seevin colours a' shite oot ye.”
“ Ur wi' gaun' tae ri Nonsuch ur whit? A'v an awfy drooth, me.”
“Haud oan. A'm burstin' furra pish. A'll nip in ri bookie's shope. Wan e' yis huv a luk an' see whit won ri two therty et Ayr.”
* * *
“Yu'r nivir gonnae bulieve ris.”
“Whit?”
“A hoarse cawed 'Boab's Yur Uncle' won et twelve tae wan. Is rat no' funny efter ri day we've hud?”
“Double funny.”
“How?”
“A hud a tenner each wye oan it.”
“Nonsuch it is ren.”
“Aye, wey kin play pool. A'll bey oan furst an' wan e' yooz two kin play ri winner. Rat'll bey me again by ri wye.”
“Ye play me furst an' ye kin sit doon eftur rat.”
“ 'E'll bey playin' me furst, unless you waant a sair face.”
“Whirruv a tel't yis aboot rone cairy oan? Here, 'zat no oor Raberta slopin' oot e' ri Albion?”
“Wunner if rat's 'ur fella fur ri night?”
“ 'Sonly twinty tae four. Rur's mibbes time fur 'ur tae go though anur four ur five yit.”
“Ha-ha, right enough, fuckin' aul' slapper rit shey is.”
“Here, gie's a swatch et rat wee poliswummin's nummer. Yu'v done weel fur yersel' rer oor Boab.”
“A'd furgote aboot rat, aye. Haud oan, ah, here it's here. Fuck it, yooz kin gie 'ur a bell if yis waant, a'v wint right aff 'ur.”
“Eftur aw ri smooth talkin' ye done tae, whye's rat ren?”
“See fur yursels. 'Ur nummer's 999.”
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Jeezo, jings an’ help ma Boab. Whit’s in a name?
_____________________________________________________________________
“Five meenits a wis in ri bookie's an' yooz two ur et it again. Whit ur yis fightin' aboot noo?”
“He cawed oor Raberta a boot.”
“Ri hale toon kens rat sa whit ri fuck's ri proablum?”
“A didnae caw 'ur a boot. A says she wis a bike.”
“It's ri wye ye says it ya choob, lit ye meant it. A'm gonnae fuckin' molacate ye so am ur.”
“Haw! Gie it a rest wull yis? Furst tum w'uv hud a few quid aboot is furra while an' yis waant tae fuck aboot lit ris insteed a' gaun' furra few scoops?”
“A'm gonnae kill'um jeest ri same. Mair beer fur us.”
“Ye couldnae kill time ya fanny, c'moan, gie it yur best shoat.”
“See! Here's ri polis ya pair a numpties.”
“Brek it up yooz three, ur a'll huv yis fur breachin' ri peace.”
“Jeest a faimly spat oafficur. A'v goarit cover't here.”
“Faimly ye say?”
“Wu'r cousins.”
“Bit......wan e' yis is black.”
“Wur grampa wis a sailor.”
“Ony road up. Get yursels chased afore a huckle yis. Wu'v enough oan wur plate ri day withoot aw ris pish.”
* * *
“You're claim't is shin is wey git roon rat coarnur so ye ur. Ri polis'll no' save ye ris tum.”
“Whye wait ya choob? Here, huv rat furra stertur.”
“RIGHT! IN RI BACK E' RAT MEAT WAGON.......NOO.”
“Haud oan, Ernie. Sumhin's comin' through oan ri radio. Sumb'dy's turn't ri Bank a' Scoatlin' intae a drive through.”
“Right, Kerry, you take rese three roon' tae ri station an' a'll investigate ri bank.”
* * *
“Jeest dae whit a dae an' wu'll bey oot a' here afore an 'oor's up. OK?”
“Whye ur ye whisperin'?”
“So's rat poliswummin cannae hear is ya stupit bawbag.”
* * *
“Right, name?”
“Boab.”
“An' you?”
“Boab”
“Bit.......yooz two ur twins.”
“Very observant, Kerry doll. A kin see whye ye jine't up fur ri polis.”
“Ye ken fine weel whit a mean. An' yu'll address me is oafficer.....right?”
“A'm cried Boab eftur ma faithur an' he's cried Boab eftur wur uncle Boab.”
“A s'pose you're Boaby tae, ren?”
“Nu'.”
“ 'Hank Goad fur rat.”
“Jeest Boab, Black Boab, so's folk kin tell ri diffrince.”
“Jeezo. whirruva let masel' in fur here?”
“Ony chance e' a wee cup a' tea Kerry doll?”
“A'm no' here tae wetnurse yis. Yis urfur ri cells is shin is a'v gote yur particulars. An' yis address mey is oafficur Packer, gote rat?”
“White wey two sugars fur me, same fur oor Boab. Black Boab?”
“A'll jeest huv a coffee.”
“Haud oan. Rat's ma radio bletherin' et mey, a left it nixt door. A'll bey back in a meenit.”
“ 'Hink shu'll make is a drink.”
“Doubt it. Unless shey's makin' wan fur ursel'. Shey's oan 'ur Pat Malone here hiv yis no' noticed?”
“Fuck. A'm fair parched me an' aw.”
“Wull, serves yis right fur gerrin' is landit in here.”
“Bit you says wey'd bey oot in an 'oor.”
“Here's ri script ren...........”
“...............Yu'r whisperin' again.”
“Wheesht, wull ye furra a fuckin' meenit? Right, ri Solkits Vics is playin' Winton Rovers et ri kickba' ri day an' rur's every chance irr'll aw kick aff..............”
“..........Three a'cloak usually, rat's whin rey kick aff.”
“D'yis waant tae hear ris ur no'? Rey need tae ship polis in fae ootside fur tae keep ri warrin' factions apert, birrit never works oot rat wye fur rum. Ken whirra'm sayin' here? Ru'll need ri cells fur tae keep aw rem 'Drussin heedurs in whin ri shit hits ri fan............”
“.............Rur'll sharely bey mair rin ri wan fan?”
“........A'm gonnae gie you an awfa skelp if ye don't shurrit. An' keep yur vice doon tae. Right, wey keep windin' ris wee Kerry burd up ri wye wu'v been dain', an' whin ri caw comes fur reinforcements shu'll huv nae choice bit tae kick is, see?”
“ 'Hink yursels lucky a wis furra a drink masel. Right, see if wey cannae gerrin front wi' ris paperwork.”
“Nae biscuits, Kerry doll? See me, a cannae drink a cup a' tea withoot a nice biscuit.”
“Aye, me tae hen, nip oot 'n' gerris a packet a' Hobnobs wull ye? A'll gie ye ri dosh fur rum.”
“Yooz'r tryin' tae rip ri pish here, int yis?”
“Dae ye get tae bring rat uniform hame wi' ye?”
“Aye, bit, whit's rat gote tae dae wi' onyhin' ?”
“Jeest askin'. Kin a get yur phone nummer an' wi' could mibbes go oot wan night?”
“Yu'v a cheek oan ye right enough. Haud oan, radio again.”
'ATTENTION ALL AVAILABLE UNITS AND PERSONNEL! THE VICS HAVE GONE THREE UP IN THE FURST FIFTEEN MEENITS. IT'S GONNAE BEY PURE BEDLAM DOON RER. ALL AVAILABLE UNITS, MAKE YOUR WAY TO CAMPBELL PARK.'
“Copy rat, boss.”
' 'ZAT YOU KERRY? MESSAGE FAE SERGEANT BILKO. RU'R GONNAE NEED RI MEAT WAGON DOON RER.'
“Copy rat, boss, a'll bey rer in five.”
“Bilko? Did he say Bilko? 'Zat him aff ri telly?”
“Sergeant Bilko is a very fine polisman a'll huv yis ken.”
“Nivir mind rat Kerry doll. A'm awfy surprised rey need ri meat wagon.”
“How's rat?”
“Wull......Campbell Park's nixt door tae ri slaughterhoose. Rur must bey hunners a' meat wagons doon rone wye.”
“My, bit yur a right wee coamic uren't ye? Right, a'm lerrin' yis aff wi' a warnin' ris tum. A don't waant tae see yis in here again. Gote rat?”
“A huvnae drank ma tea.”
“Wull, drink it.”
“Bit, a need a biscuit a tel't ye.”
“OOT, OOT, OOT. A'v git work tae dae.”
“Haud oan Kerry doll.”
“Whit?”
“Ye didnae gie mey yur nummer.”
“Pursistant, uren't ye. Here y'ar ren. A'll fold it up fur ye. Pirrit in yur back poaket an' don't let yur cousins see it.”
“Braw. Kin ye no' drap is doon ri toon.”
“Get yursels chased. It's only ower the railway bridge.”
* * *
“Did a no' say wey widnae bey in rer fur long?”
“Ye did rat, right enough.”
“Shouldnae a' been rer bit fur yooz two. A'll need tae keep you oan a shoart lead Black Boab.”
“How me?”
“Seems tae me it's you rit sterts it aw ri time, an' wan e' rese days it's gonnae backfire oan ye big time.”
“How's rat ren?”
“Yu'll pick oan me 'hinkin' a'm oor Boab an' a'll kick seevin colours a' shite oot ye.”
“ Ur wi' gaun' tae ri Nonsuch ur whit? A'v an awfy drooth, me.”
“Haud oan. A'm burstin' furra pish. A'll nip in ri bookie's shope. Wan e' yis huv a luk an' see whit won ri two therty et Ayr.”
* * *
“Yu'r nivir gonnae bulieve ris.”
“Whit?”
“A hoarse cawed 'Boab's Yur Uncle' won et twelve tae wan. Is rat no' funny efter ri day we've hud?”
“Double funny.”
“How?”
“A hud a tenner each wye oan it.”
“Nonsuch it is ren.”
“Aye, wey kin play pool. A'll bey oan furst an' wan e' yooz two kin play ri winner. Rat'll bey me again by ri wye.”
“Ye play me furst an' ye kin sit doon eftur rat.”
“ 'E'll bey playin' me furst, unless you waant a sair face.”
“Whirruv a tel't yis aboot rone cairy oan? Here, 'zat no oor Raberta slopin' oot e' ri Albion?”
“Wunner if rat's 'ur fella fur ri night?”
“ 'Sonly twinty tae four. Rur's mibbes time fur 'ur tae go though anur four ur five yit.”
“Ha-ha, right enough, fuckin' aul' slapper rit shey is.”
“Here, gie's a swatch et rat wee poliswummin's nummer. Yu'v done weel fur yersel' rer oor Boab.”
“A'd furgote aboot rat, aye. Haud oan, ah, here it's here. Fuck it, yooz kin gie 'ur a bell if yis waant, a'v wint right aff 'ur.”
“Eftur aw ri smooth talkin' ye done tae, whye's rat ren?”
“See fur yursels. 'Ur nummer's 999.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.