Asylum
by Gurmeet Mattu
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Mild ones only.
Description: A few words from a very grateful asylum seeker...
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Hello, I am Zlodan Psiovescu and I writing to you to give you the thank for allow me the asylum in your great country of Glasgow. In the land of my birth I am suffering from much persecution as I suffer from the chronic kleptomania and also am part-time exhibitionist in local woods. Is much repression in my native land. Beatings is common. Before I am escaping to your great land of the free and home of the Dave I am arrested by secret police and given much beating. “Ha,” I am saying, “You are calling this a beating? You could not beat an egg!” Is big mistake as they bring in Vlad from Bialystock who was thrown out of the KGB for cruelty, but he is not bad man, only misunderstood. He has me beg for mercy with barbed wire enema nevertheless.
I am being helped much in settling in your country by my good friend, Jack Dodgy, who is teach me the Glaswegian. He tells me my name in your tongue is Bumface and I am much proud of this.
Mr Dodgy is making me most welcome and also my wife and 18 year old daughter who he welcome many times in traditional Glasgow fashion. Sometimes twice a night. But he does not welcome my grandmother in this way as he say this is not the tradition. Grandmother is very disappointed as she has not been welcomed since end of Great Patriotic War and liberation by Red Army. Even grandfather could not welcome like Red Army and he was voted best hung man in village. Three years running.
Mr Dodgy is also getting me job as crash test dummy for clothing company. They wish to check survivability of gent’s suit if involved in accident. Already I have run into concrete barrier at 40 miles per hour and suffer only minor fractures and brain damage, but suit is fine.
We are given house in very upmarket section of Glasgow called Govanhill and I am slowly get used to do shit indoors. This seem very backward to me as in land of my birth we do this disgusting outdoors and not in place where we sleep. Grandmother does not get used to it though and still head out to local park with handful of hay for wiping purpose.
To make the extra income my wife have stall at Barras marketplace. She sell books and it very profitable as she get stock from free shop called public library. Youngest son, Zlodan Junior, is also contribute by selling body to men at public lavatory. He do special offer – Bugger One, Get One Free. Is very popular. Boy has great flair for business and also sore bum. He wish to emulate great hero Lord Alan Michael Sugar, who takes initials AMS and adds TRAD to make name of company. Zoldna Junior say he will also do this so Zlodan Alexyvitch Psiovescu Junior will become ZAPJTRAD. Is tripping off tongue. All he need now is source crappy electronics to sell to gullible and get own TV show.
In spare time Zoldan is play football with local boys. When I ask him what position he play, he say, ball.
Daughter, Luzza, is going to club every Saturday night and meeting young men. She says they like very much to have their sock cooked. She say that one day she will meet special man and cook only his sock but in meantime she must get much practice. Girl is natural homemaker.
So, again, I say thank you to great nation of Glasgow and its friendly, welcoming people. I sorry and wipe tear from my eye now.
You are top in all human race of nice people. I hope that some day I can repay your generous by leaving my body to science as I do not wish to be bury in land of my birth where is common for crazy men to dig you up and have sexy with your bottom. My native land is cursed with the lunatic. What kind of country is it where men do such outrageous act to recently deceased?
No, I will never return and I do not wish to be bury in England.
Swearwords: Mild ones only.
Description: A few words from a very grateful asylum seeker...
_____________________________________________________________________
Hello, I am Zlodan Psiovescu and I writing to you to give you the thank for allow me the asylum in your great country of Glasgow. In the land of my birth I am suffering from much persecution as I suffer from the chronic kleptomania and also am part-time exhibitionist in local woods. Is much repression in my native land. Beatings is common. Before I am escaping to your great land of the free and home of the Dave I am arrested by secret police and given much beating. “Ha,” I am saying, “You are calling this a beating? You could not beat an egg!” Is big mistake as they bring in Vlad from Bialystock who was thrown out of the KGB for cruelty, but he is not bad man, only misunderstood. He has me beg for mercy with barbed wire enema nevertheless.
I am being helped much in settling in your country by my good friend, Jack Dodgy, who is teach me the Glaswegian. He tells me my name in your tongue is Bumface and I am much proud of this.
Mr Dodgy is making me most welcome and also my wife and 18 year old daughter who he welcome many times in traditional Glasgow fashion. Sometimes twice a night. But he does not welcome my grandmother in this way as he say this is not the tradition. Grandmother is very disappointed as she has not been welcomed since end of Great Patriotic War and liberation by Red Army. Even grandfather could not welcome like Red Army and he was voted best hung man in village. Three years running.
Mr Dodgy is also getting me job as crash test dummy for clothing company. They wish to check survivability of gent’s suit if involved in accident. Already I have run into concrete barrier at 40 miles per hour and suffer only minor fractures and brain damage, but suit is fine.
We are given house in very upmarket section of Glasgow called Govanhill and I am slowly get used to do shit indoors. This seem very backward to me as in land of my birth we do this disgusting outdoors and not in place where we sleep. Grandmother does not get used to it though and still head out to local park with handful of hay for wiping purpose.
To make the extra income my wife have stall at Barras marketplace. She sell books and it very profitable as she get stock from free shop called public library. Youngest son, Zlodan Junior, is also contribute by selling body to men at public lavatory. He do special offer – Bugger One, Get One Free. Is very popular. Boy has great flair for business and also sore bum. He wish to emulate great hero Lord Alan Michael Sugar, who takes initials AMS and adds TRAD to make name of company. Zoldna Junior say he will also do this so Zlodan Alexyvitch Psiovescu Junior will become ZAPJTRAD. Is tripping off tongue. All he need now is source crappy electronics to sell to gullible and get own TV show.
In spare time Zoldan is play football with local boys. When I ask him what position he play, he say, ball.
Daughter, Luzza, is going to club every Saturday night and meeting young men. She says they like very much to have their sock cooked. She say that one day she will meet special man and cook only his sock but in meantime she must get much practice. Girl is natural homemaker.
So, again, I say thank you to great nation of Glasgow and its friendly, welcoming people. I sorry and wipe tear from my eye now.
You are top in all human race of nice people. I hope that some day I can repay your generous by leaving my body to science as I do not wish to be bury in land of my birth where is common for crazy men to dig you up and have sexy with your bottom. My native land is cursed with the lunatic. What kind of country is it where men do such outrageous act to recently deceased?
No, I will never return and I do not wish to be bury in England.
About the Author
Gurmeet Mattu is an award-winning writer. A trained jounalist, he has written comic books, stage plays, radio plays and TV sitcoms, and his screenplay Disciple won a Scottish Screen/DNA Films First Draft award. He was born and lives in Glasgow, Scotland, though his forebearers are from India.
If you enjoyed Gurmeet's humour, you might like to read his novels which are available in Kindle format and can be read on PCs, Macs, iPads and iPhones as well as the Kindle reader. Click the book cover below to go to the relevant Amazon page.
He now publishes and edits the comedy emag, Amock, which you can find HERE.
If you enjoyed Gurmeet's humour, you might like to read his novels which are available in Kindle format and can be read on PCs, Macs, iPads and iPhones as well as the Kindle reader. Click the book cover below to go to the relevant Amazon page.
He now publishes and edits the comedy emag, Amock, which you can find HERE.
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