Ask Archie
by Brian Morrison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth… or you can just ask ma wee pal Archie.
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Some o’ ma mates say that wee Archie is a bit o’ a liar. I don’t share that view. Ah’ve always found him to be a truthful kind o’ character. You know how that old sayin’ goes – “You couldnae make it up!” Well that applies tae Archie and all the adventures that he has been on. Nobody would actually dream a’ that crap up, so it has tae be true. Maybe if Jeremy Kyle got a hold o’ him and put him through wan o’ they lie detector thingys – maybe then people would start tae believe him. But then again, wee Archie disnae dae drugs, he disnae beat up women an’ he’s no’ an alky, so Jeremy and his team wouldn’t be interested in his adventures anyway.
Now you may have noticed that I have used the term “adventure” twice so far. The reason behind that is that just usin’ the word “story” would be highly inappropriate for the things that Archie has been involved in. He has never led a mundane existence, that’s for sure.
I will let you make your own mind up by throwing in a couple of examples. Like the time that he was stationed in Burma, working with a contracting firm on a railroad building project. He came across this elephant one day - just a pup. It soon became obvious tae Archie that it was in a bit of distress. It had wandered too near tae their compound and had accidentally become entangled in some razor wire. It was wrapped around its hind leg and the poor wee thing wis in agony. So the bold Archie fearlessly set aboot the wee thing wi’ a set o’ snips. Ten minutes tops and wee Dumbo was limpin’ back tae its herd. Job done.
Archie thought nothin’ more o’ the matter until some ten years later when the circus came tae his home town in Saltcoats. He and his two boys were havin’ a grand time, laughin’ at the clowns and gaspin’ in amazement at the trapeze artists performin’ death defyin’ stunts oan the high wire. Brilliant entertainment – but the best wis yet tae come. Archie was well and truly gob-smacked when the performin’ elephants took tae the ring. There wis this wan elephant that kept lookin’ o’er at him. It wis a bit un-nerving. Archie wis puzzled. Whit’s goin’ on here? he thought tae himself. Near the end o’ their act, the big beast lumbered o’er tae where he and the boys were sittin’. Then, usin its big powerful trunk, it lifted them wan by wan oot the cheap seats and set them doon in the VIP box.
See whit Ah mean? Ye couldnae have made that up in a million years!
Then of course there wis the time that he met Elvis, the King of rock n roll. The year, as I remember it, wis nineteen seventy wan. Elvis wis apprearin’ at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Archie had entered a competition in the Sun newspaper and he’d won first prize o’ a front row seat at one o’ his concerts. Not only that, but he had a back stage pass tae meet the great man in person efter the show. So – all that crap where they say, “Elvis has left the building”, is complete nonsense. You can ask Archie, if ye don’t believe me.
Anyway – there wis the bold Archie, sittin’ in the front row watchin’ the King o’ rock n roll gyratin’, whirlin’ and birlin’.
Archie knew that he wis birlin’ ‘cos he called oot tae him, ‘Haw, Elvis, whit ur ye dain’?’
And Elvis said, ‘Ah’m birlin’, man, Ah’m birlin’.
‘He could fairly shake those hips, by the way,’ Archie said tae me. Then later on when the show had finished, Archie found himsel’ in the King’s dressin’ room. It wis then that Elvis told him a secret - a secret that no other member o’ the public knew aboot. It wis all tae dae wi’ this famous wiggle that the great man had. Elvis found it amusin’ that he had been given the nickname, Elvis the Pelvis, because the big chap told Archie that when he wis twelve years old, he needed a major operation and the surgeons had tae remove his backbone. Ah found that wan hard tae believe as well, but as Ah say, wee Archie disnae lie.
Anyway, as the story goes, wee Elvis began tae be a right pain aboot the hoose. He became a layabout . . . always gettin’ under his maw’s feet. So wan day, accordin’ tae Elvis, his Paw said, ‘Ah’ve hud enough o’ this, Gladys. Get me the wean’s wheelbarra. Ah’m gaunnie wheel him doon tae the local GP and see if anything can be done aboot this, ‘cos tae be honest, hen, it’s startin’ tae get me doon!’
So they papped wee Elvis intae his barra and went doon tae the village surgery. Noo – this is where it gets really interestin’. The doctor referred the boy tae the village tailor. Apparently there wis nae cure fur no’ huvin’ an actual backbone, but the tailor designed a couple o’ suits fur the wee chap. These were special suits that helped him tae stand upright. And if ye take a close look at the old film reels o’ Elvis oan the stage, ye can see that, noo an’ again, the suit malfunctions a wee bit and his legs go like rubber.
And here is an interestin’ point. You have probably seen that movie, Forest Gump, and how it is portrayed that it wis young Forest who showed Elvis how tae dae the auld leg wiggle. Well, it just goes tae show ye, doesn’t it? Daft stories like that are complete nonsense, but oan that particular occasion, the script writers didnae realise that they were really quite close tae the truth - the real story aboot how Elvis got his wiggle.
But don’t take ma word fur it. Just ask Archie.
Swearwords: None.
Description: I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth… or you can just ask ma wee pal Archie.
_____________________________________________________________________
Some o’ ma mates say that wee Archie is a bit o’ a liar. I don’t share that view. Ah’ve always found him to be a truthful kind o’ character. You know how that old sayin’ goes – “You couldnae make it up!” Well that applies tae Archie and all the adventures that he has been on. Nobody would actually dream a’ that crap up, so it has tae be true. Maybe if Jeremy Kyle got a hold o’ him and put him through wan o’ they lie detector thingys – maybe then people would start tae believe him. But then again, wee Archie disnae dae drugs, he disnae beat up women an’ he’s no’ an alky, so Jeremy and his team wouldn’t be interested in his adventures anyway.
Now you may have noticed that I have used the term “adventure” twice so far. The reason behind that is that just usin’ the word “story” would be highly inappropriate for the things that Archie has been involved in. He has never led a mundane existence, that’s for sure.
I will let you make your own mind up by throwing in a couple of examples. Like the time that he was stationed in Burma, working with a contracting firm on a railroad building project. He came across this elephant one day - just a pup. It soon became obvious tae Archie that it was in a bit of distress. It had wandered too near tae their compound and had accidentally become entangled in some razor wire. It was wrapped around its hind leg and the poor wee thing wis in agony. So the bold Archie fearlessly set aboot the wee thing wi’ a set o’ snips. Ten minutes tops and wee Dumbo was limpin’ back tae its herd. Job done.
Archie thought nothin’ more o’ the matter until some ten years later when the circus came tae his home town in Saltcoats. He and his two boys were havin’ a grand time, laughin’ at the clowns and gaspin’ in amazement at the trapeze artists performin’ death defyin’ stunts oan the high wire. Brilliant entertainment – but the best wis yet tae come. Archie was well and truly gob-smacked when the performin’ elephants took tae the ring. There wis this wan elephant that kept lookin’ o’er at him. It wis a bit un-nerving. Archie wis puzzled. Whit’s goin’ on here? he thought tae himself. Near the end o’ their act, the big beast lumbered o’er tae where he and the boys were sittin’. Then, usin its big powerful trunk, it lifted them wan by wan oot the cheap seats and set them doon in the VIP box.
See whit Ah mean? Ye couldnae have made that up in a million years!
Then of course there wis the time that he met Elvis, the King of rock n roll. The year, as I remember it, wis nineteen seventy wan. Elvis wis apprearin’ at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Archie had entered a competition in the Sun newspaper and he’d won first prize o’ a front row seat at one o’ his concerts. Not only that, but he had a back stage pass tae meet the great man in person efter the show. So – all that crap where they say, “Elvis has left the building”, is complete nonsense. You can ask Archie, if ye don’t believe me.
Anyway – there wis the bold Archie, sittin’ in the front row watchin’ the King o’ rock n roll gyratin’, whirlin’ and birlin’.
Archie knew that he wis birlin’ ‘cos he called oot tae him, ‘Haw, Elvis, whit ur ye dain’?’
And Elvis said, ‘Ah’m birlin’, man, Ah’m birlin’.
‘He could fairly shake those hips, by the way,’ Archie said tae me. Then later on when the show had finished, Archie found himsel’ in the King’s dressin’ room. It wis then that Elvis told him a secret - a secret that no other member o’ the public knew aboot. It wis all tae dae wi’ this famous wiggle that the great man had. Elvis found it amusin’ that he had been given the nickname, Elvis the Pelvis, because the big chap told Archie that when he wis twelve years old, he needed a major operation and the surgeons had tae remove his backbone. Ah found that wan hard tae believe as well, but as Ah say, wee Archie disnae lie.
Anyway, as the story goes, wee Elvis began tae be a right pain aboot the hoose. He became a layabout . . . always gettin’ under his maw’s feet. So wan day, accordin’ tae Elvis, his Paw said, ‘Ah’ve hud enough o’ this, Gladys. Get me the wean’s wheelbarra. Ah’m gaunnie wheel him doon tae the local GP and see if anything can be done aboot this, ‘cos tae be honest, hen, it’s startin’ tae get me doon!’
So they papped wee Elvis intae his barra and went doon tae the village surgery. Noo – this is where it gets really interestin’. The doctor referred the boy tae the village tailor. Apparently there wis nae cure fur no’ huvin’ an actual backbone, but the tailor designed a couple o’ suits fur the wee chap. These were special suits that helped him tae stand upright. And if ye take a close look at the old film reels o’ Elvis oan the stage, ye can see that, noo an’ again, the suit malfunctions a wee bit and his legs go like rubber.
And here is an interestin’ point. You have probably seen that movie, Forest Gump, and how it is portrayed that it wis young Forest who showed Elvis how tae dae the auld leg wiggle. Well, it just goes tae show ye, doesn’t it? Daft stories like that are complete nonsense, but oan that particular occasion, the script writers didnae realise that they were really quite close tae the truth - the real story aboot how Elvis got his wiggle.
But don’t take ma word fur it. Just ask Archie.
About the Author
Born in Saltcoats, Brian Morrison has a day job at the Hunterston Power Station. But in his other life he is well known as a caricaturist and comedy sketch writer. More recently, he has become a novelist and a writer of children's stories. His dark comedy, Blister, is available on Amazon.