A Sheet in Time
by Tom Greenwood
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: An innovative way to complete those pesky timesheets.
_____________________________________________________________________
“My client disputes the need to fill these timesheets in at all.”
“Part of your client’s terms and condition are that he undertakes all reasonable tasks.”
“Then we would like to dispute the meaning of the term reasonable.”
“What was unreasonable to ask for someone to fill in a daily timesheet?”
“Well first that the timesheet required filling in for eight hours per day when my client was only employed for seven hours a day. Secondly that he was required to fill them in, in advance, which is … well it is stupid, because at that point in time not having completed the work, how can he accurately fill in the timesheet, plus by not filling it in by 6 o’clock our time, as it is controlled in a time-zone several hours ahead of ours, he would appear on the daily list of defaulters.”
“The defaulter’s list has many names on it.”
“So does having so many names on it, not indicate that this daily task was impossible to complete?”
“In reality, as long as it was completed before your client went home, then it was not a problem.”
“Then why continue to produce the defaulters list?”
“They were produced by head office, we paid no attention to it.”
“It was daily and unnecessary. So can you tell me what the information completed by the clients were used for?”
“They are used to determine our staffing needs and to predict the future …”
“You realise the numbers are meaningless apart from the number of staff you employ, which you should know anyway.”
“Not if filled out accurately.”
“But they are not, I have spoken to my client’s colleagues and they have all admitted that they just made up numbers to fill in the sheets, after all they didn’t even have the correct number of hours on it. How could they be accurate?”
“These points are all irrelevant as my client was asked …”
“But our point is that this task was impossible to complete accurately and on time, therefore was not reasonable.”
“As one of the largest technology firms in the world, we expected all these sheets to be filled in …”
The plaintiff looked at the records. “There’s something wrong,” she said.
“What’s the matter?”
“They now say they have been completed in time.”
“No they weren’t, that’s why we are at this industrial tribunal. You threatened to not pay my client for not completing an impossible task.”
“I am afraid our records now show … Something is wrong. Ten minutes ago our records showed that they had not been completed on time.”
* * *
“They’ve dropped the case, they say you have been filling the timesheets in.”
“Can I bring a counter time-wasting case against them?”
“We can look into to it, but you will be able to claim redundancy against them … Look I know you work in IT but did you hack into their systems?”
“No that was too difficult, I don’t know anything about their systems.”
“So did you do something? I can tell from your smile that you did.”
“Well I needed to be able to test my time-machine somehow and there was a nice sense of irony on using it to fill in timesheets. But don’t tell anyone, and I’ll cut you in for a slice of the lottery win I’ve got lined up.”
Swearwords: None.
Description: An innovative way to complete those pesky timesheets.
_____________________________________________________________________
“My client disputes the need to fill these timesheets in at all.”
“Part of your client’s terms and condition are that he undertakes all reasonable tasks.”
“Then we would like to dispute the meaning of the term reasonable.”
“What was unreasonable to ask for someone to fill in a daily timesheet?”
“Well first that the timesheet required filling in for eight hours per day when my client was only employed for seven hours a day. Secondly that he was required to fill them in, in advance, which is … well it is stupid, because at that point in time not having completed the work, how can he accurately fill in the timesheet, plus by not filling it in by 6 o’clock our time, as it is controlled in a time-zone several hours ahead of ours, he would appear on the daily list of defaulters.”
“The defaulter’s list has many names on it.”
“So does having so many names on it, not indicate that this daily task was impossible to complete?”
“In reality, as long as it was completed before your client went home, then it was not a problem.”
“Then why continue to produce the defaulters list?”
“They were produced by head office, we paid no attention to it.”
“It was daily and unnecessary. So can you tell me what the information completed by the clients were used for?”
“They are used to determine our staffing needs and to predict the future …”
“You realise the numbers are meaningless apart from the number of staff you employ, which you should know anyway.”
“Not if filled out accurately.”
“But they are not, I have spoken to my client’s colleagues and they have all admitted that they just made up numbers to fill in the sheets, after all they didn’t even have the correct number of hours on it. How could they be accurate?”
“These points are all irrelevant as my client was asked …”
“But our point is that this task was impossible to complete accurately and on time, therefore was not reasonable.”
“As one of the largest technology firms in the world, we expected all these sheets to be filled in …”
The plaintiff looked at the records. “There’s something wrong,” she said.
“What’s the matter?”
“They now say they have been completed in time.”
“No they weren’t, that’s why we are at this industrial tribunal. You threatened to not pay my client for not completing an impossible task.”
“I am afraid our records now show … Something is wrong. Ten minutes ago our records showed that they had not been completed on time.”
* * *
“They’ve dropped the case, they say you have been filling the timesheets in.”
“Can I bring a counter time-wasting case against them?”
“We can look into to it, but you will be able to claim redundancy against them … Look I know you work in IT but did you hack into their systems?”
“No that was too difficult, I don’t know anything about their systems.”
“So did you do something? I can tell from your smile that you did.”
“Well I needed to be able to test my time-machine somehow and there was a nice sense of irony on using it to fill in timesheets. But don’t tell anyone, and I’ll cut you in for a slice of the lottery win I’ve got lined up.”
About the Author
Tom Greenwood was born in Bishopbriggs and now lives in Edinburgh with his wife, two daughters and a rabbit. He writes off-the-wall short stories and sci-fi novels. His first novel, A Slight Mistake in the Code, was published by McStorytellers in 2013.