The Book of Malky
by Gavin Broom
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: For Malky, days don't get any more biblically epic than this.
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1. Following the Comet
1Now it came to pass in my fortieth year, in the eighth month of that year, in the fifth day of that month, as I sheltered among the patrons of Willy Hill, Maker of Books, that the heavens opened and I saw a vision of God. 2And God said unto me, "Malky, thou should wager every penny in your pocket on Kelly's Comet for she is an awesome bitch and is destined to pish all over the other dogs in the two forty-five at Walthamstow." 3Verily, I trembled as though consumed by the DTs, even though I had partaken much of the wine earlier in the morn to break my fast and had been otherwise mellow. 4But I did enter into an agreement with Willy Hill with the remains of my giro and it came to pass that Kelly's Comet did romp home by many lengths as if she had pepper on her ring. 5My arse pocket did runneth over with treasures and I forgot my troubles. 6It was good.
2. The Angel at The Inn
1And so I did make a visit to Harry the Innkeeper and spent freely from my winnings. 2I did speak of my vision from the heavens and when the Innkeeper asked after my wellbeing I replied that I had never felt better and I did praise God and ordered another pint. 3After many pints, an angel appeared unto me above the Johnny Walker optic and when the angel spoke to me, he told me that my daughter would return to me and would be waiting for me outside my dwelling at the Tower of Seafar this very afternoon and the letter from the social services residing in my arse pocket among the glorious treasures did foresee it and it was true. 4The angel said, "Malky, you must make haste for time is short and you should make plans for a feast to celebrate this wondrous occasion." 5This troubled me for my belly was still satisfied since I'd broken my fast with wine and my arse pocket still boasted a plentiful supply of coins and paper. 6I desired not for a feast. Instead, I was eager to spend the rest of the afternoon in the company of Harry the Innkeeper as the temptation for more pints was strong. 7And though I did not utter of this through lips or tongue, the angel did speak with terrible fury, 8"Malky, you ungrateful shite. The Lord has adorned you with great riches as was His choosing. If He so chooseth, He could smite your sorry arse into next week just as quick. Now make like a shepherd and get the flock out of this Inn, for this is the Lord's will." 9So it came to pass that I bode farewell to Harry the Innkeeper and made plans to stock for a feast.
3. The Crossing of the Wilderness
1And lo after much walking, I stood in the midst of a wilderness, a lonely car park where shopping trollies did roam free and wild from their corrals. 2For minute after minute after minute I crossed the asphalt desert towards a temple in the distance. 3As I approached, I saw that the temple sign proclaimed the Farmfoods for this was where God had brought me. 4The prophets in the windows sang of king prawn rings and rolls of fine sausage. 5The multitude of souls did not rejoice as they left the Farmfoods and they remained troubled and weary. 6As I entered, the eyes of the many fell upon me for they sensed my arse pocket overflowed with the blessed treasure bestowed upon me by God. 7I made my way to the dessert aisle and stood among cheesecake and trifles and there I was disorientated by multitudes of temptations and my head it did spin and spin.
4. The Brass Neck at the Cheesecake Aisle
1The dwellers within the Farmfoods called me a mentalist and they disgraced my father's name for unbeknownst to me I had been caught short and now stood in a puddle of my own creation and my shirt did have a spare button at the bottom from which time I did not know. 2Still, the heavens were quiet and the Lord remained shtoom. I dropped to my knees and called for God. 3The womenfolk sheltered their younglings close to their bosoms and they gave me the widest of berths. 4"Why did you bring me here, o Lord?" I cried. "You could've directed me back to the Tower of Seafar or to the off license on the corner of my street, for I have told the proprietor of my irritable bowel and he does let me use the staff quarters at a pinch." 5It was then that the custodians of the Farmfoods grabbed me by my arms and wrenched me to my feet and made clear their plan to eject me back to the wilderness. 6My heart was heavy with sadness and it did ache now for Vienetta and the ache was mighty and did not relent.
5. Not All Who Wander Have Missed the Last Bus
1So it came to pass that I stood at a bus stop for two score and five minutes before I recalled that it was the Lord's Day Service and buses were feweth and far betweeneth. 2The schedule on the post was adorned with depictions of genitals and phone numbers promising the finest of head and so it was not possible to determine the hour of the coming of the next bus. 3So I did hoof it. 4The heavens delivered rain and then it did come to be that my bus passed me between stops. 5Even so, I did not curse the Lord nor shake my fist to the heavens for the walk gave me the time to rid myself of the affection of the pints so that new wine would find me well and vacant to provide it welcome. 6My pockets may have been wet but they were still adorned by the wealth of God's hot tip. 7I stood and shouted to the heavens, "Praise the Lord!" and the heaviness in my heart lifted. 8Though people crossed to the other side of the street, a taxi did see my outstretched arms and did stop and lo, I had rescue. 9I thanked God.
6. The Whore of Carbrain
1And so I did open the back door of the taxi and there already inside resided Senga of Carbrain. 2Her hair was of the finest yellow and so she beckoned me to join her and share the fare. 3I was weak from the walk and hungry for the wine so I succumbed to the proposal. 4Once inside, Senga spoke unto me, "Malky, my man. I've not seen you in, like, forever. What's been happening, big chap?" 5And so I told her that God had appeared to me in Willy Hill, Maker of Books, and given me a tip that came in and that I'd made a fair wedge. 6I also told her that God had directed me via the angel on the optic to the Farmfoods to pick up a feast for my daughter's return but that I had been ejected before I could follow His will. 7And so Senga's eyes they did burn red and she asked, "Fancy coming back to mine?" and before I could reply the heavens split wide open and God appeared to me from the driver's seat and he did speaketh to me via the rear vieweth mirror.
7. The Revelation to Malky in the Back Seat of a Taxi
1And God said unto me, "Malky, I have bestowed upon you fantastic riches and through your trials today you have seen my greatness." 2And I said, "Lord, thou art great, so thou art." 3And the Lord said, "You had better believe it." 4And I said, "Sorry about the feast thing." 5And He said, "That's okay." 6And then God said, "I have a plan for you, Malky, and it isn't for you to get your rotten end away with Senga of Carbrain." 7Though I did suspecteth as much, it disappointed me for verily I had not known a woman for many years. 8Still, I cast the harlot from the taxi and instructed the driver to make haste to the Tower of Seafar, encouraging his compliance with much coinage. 9The taxi driver delivered me in good time and dropped me at the corner of my street under the shadow of the Tower of Seafar whereupon I was overcome by a plethora of nerves and those nerves manifested themselves as a terrible thirst which I sought to quench in the local alehouse. 10And yay, within the alehouse it was warm and the ales they were wet.
8. The Miracle of Turning Money Into Nothing
1Once I explained about God's intervention at Willy Hill, Maker of Books, I did find solace from the Innkeeper as my face was one he knew well and he did serve me with pints. 2But it came to pass that I was forced to sit in a quiet corner for the smell that rose from my trousers was diabolical. 3Despite the pints, my thirst remained unquenched and my nerves intensified and when I looked to the optics for my angelic guide, he was nowhere to be seen. 4So I drank further and played the puggy lucklessly for many minutes and prayed for guidance. 5This continued until I forgot about my daughter and the feast and the unfulfilled promise from Senga of Carbrain. 6And more time passed and more pints were consumed until my thirst proved to be stronger than my winnings could support and when I cast my hand into my arse pocket, all I could muster was the prophesy from the social services. 7So it came to be that the Innkeeper's hospitality drained, for my face was indeed one he knew well, and he did request my departure. 8And lo, when I became aggressive, he encouraged me with a hand on my back and pushed me out of the door whereupon I fell to the ground and did soil myself once more.
9. The Prodigal Daughter
1Through the rain, the daylight did dazzle me with brightness and the world appeared white but within the white there was a figure and though I had not laid eyes upon her face for thirteen years and four months and thirteen days, I knew her and I said, "My daughter." 2I reached out to her and in my hand I held the prophesy delivered to me by the social services. 3And her sad eyes dwelt upon me for the ages but she did not take my hand and she looked not toward the message and she offered no words and she stood in the rain. 4And then her eyes showed no more sorrow and she retreated to her car and a terrible wind troubled my face and then she was gone and once she was gone I knew it to be true that she would never return and my belly it did ache and my throat it did burn. 5I wept.
10. God's Final Revelation to Malky
1Lo, and the Lord appeared once more to me in the skies above the Tower of Seafar and the clouds cleared in wonder of His presence and the rain dried up and the wind fell silent. 2Still on my knees, I looked up and pleaded with Him to tell me the next part of His plan for me. 3God said, "You have fulfilled it." 4And then the sky fell black and the rain recommenced harder than ever and the wind grabbed the prophesy from the social services from my hand and it took to the heavens. 5And at that moment, it all made perfect sense. 6I understood it always had to be this way, and it would always be so. 7For the Lord has His hand on the tiller of my life and He guides me safely through these troubled waters. 8Praise be to God. Amen.
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: For Malky, days don't get any more biblically epic than this.
_____________________________________________________________________
1. Following the Comet
1Now it came to pass in my fortieth year, in the eighth month of that year, in the fifth day of that month, as I sheltered among the patrons of Willy Hill, Maker of Books, that the heavens opened and I saw a vision of God. 2And God said unto me, "Malky, thou should wager every penny in your pocket on Kelly's Comet for she is an awesome bitch and is destined to pish all over the other dogs in the two forty-five at Walthamstow." 3Verily, I trembled as though consumed by the DTs, even though I had partaken much of the wine earlier in the morn to break my fast and had been otherwise mellow. 4But I did enter into an agreement with Willy Hill with the remains of my giro and it came to pass that Kelly's Comet did romp home by many lengths as if she had pepper on her ring. 5My arse pocket did runneth over with treasures and I forgot my troubles. 6It was good.
2. The Angel at The Inn
1And so I did make a visit to Harry the Innkeeper and spent freely from my winnings. 2I did speak of my vision from the heavens and when the Innkeeper asked after my wellbeing I replied that I had never felt better and I did praise God and ordered another pint. 3After many pints, an angel appeared unto me above the Johnny Walker optic and when the angel spoke to me, he told me that my daughter would return to me and would be waiting for me outside my dwelling at the Tower of Seafar this very afternoon and the letter from the social services residing in my arse pocket among the glorious treasures did foresee it and it was true. 4The angel said, "Malky, you must make haste for time is short and you should make plans for a feast to celebrate this wondrous occasion." 5This troubled me for my belly was still satisfied since I'd broken my fast with wine and my arse pocket still boasted a plentiful supply of coins and paper. 6I desired not for a feast. Instead, I was eager to spend the rest of the afternoon in the company of Harry the Innkeeper as the temptation for more pints was strong. 7And though I did not utter of this through lips or tongue, the angel did speak with terrible fury, 8"Malky, you ungrateful shite. The Lord has adorned you with great riches as was His choosing. If He so chooseth, He could smite your sorry arse into next week just as quick. Now make like a shepherd and get the flock out of this Inn, for this is the Lord's will." 9So it came to pass that I bode farewell to Harry the Innkeeper and made plans to stock for a feast.
3. The Crossing of the Wilderness
1And lo after much walking, I stood in the midst of a wilderness, a lonely car park where shopping trollies did roam free and wild from their corrals. 2For minute after minute after minute I crossed the asphalt desert towards a temple in the distance. 3As I approached, I saw that the temple sign proclaimed the Farmfoods for this was where God had brought me. 4The prophets in the windows sang of king prawn rings and rolls of fine sausage. 5The multitude of souls did not rejoice as they left the Farmfoods and they remained troubled and weary. 6As I entered, the eyes of the many fell upon me for they sensed my arse pocket overflowed with the blessed treasure bestowed upon me by God. 7I made my way to the dessert aisle and stood among cheesecake and trifles and there I was disorientated by multitudes of temptations and my head it did spin and spin.
4. The Brass Neck at the Cheesecake Aisle
1The dwellers within the Farmfoods called me a mentalist and they disgraced my father's name for unbeknownst to me I had been caught short and now stood in a puddle of my own creation and my shirt did have a spare button at the bottom from which time I did not know. 2Still, the heavens were quiet and the Lord remained shtoom. I dropped to my knees and called for God. 3The womenfolk sheltered their younglings close to their bosoms and they gave me the widest of berths. 4"Why did you bring me here, o Lord?" I cried. "You could've directed me back to the Tower of Seafar or to the off license on the corner of my street, for I have told the proprietor of my irritable bowel and he does let me use the staff quarters at a pinch." 5It was then that the custodians of the Farmfoods grabbed me by my arms and wrenched me to my feet and made clear their plan to eject me back to the wilderness. 6My heart was heavy with sadness and it did ache now for Vienetta and the ache was mighty and did not relent.
5. Not All Who Wander Have Missed the Last Bus
1So it came to pass that I stood at a bus stop for two score and five minutes before I recalled that it was the Lord's Day Service and buses were feweth and far betweeneth. 2The schedule on the post was adorned with depictions of genitals and phone numbers promising the finest of head and so it was not possible to determine the hour of the coming of the next bus. 3So I did hoof it. 4The heavens delivered rain and then it did come to be that my bus passed me between stops. 5Even so, I did not curse the Lord nor shake my fist to the heavens for the walk gave me the time to rid myself of the affection of the pints so that new wine would find me well and vacant to provide it welcome. 6My pockets may have been wet but they were still adorned by the wealth of God's hot tip. 7I stood and shouted to the heavens, "Praise the Lord!" and the heaviness in my heart lifted. 8Though people crossed to the other side of the street, a taxi did see my outstretched arms and did stop and lo, I had rescue. 9I thanked God.
6. The Whore of Carbrain
1And so I did open the back door of the taxi and there already inside resided Senga of Carbrain. 2Her hair was of the finest yellow and so she beckoned me to join her and share the fare. 3I was weak from the walk and hungry for the wine so I succumbed to the proposal. 4Once inside, Senga spoke unto me, "Malky, my man. I've not seen you in, like, forever. What's been happening, big chap?" 5And so I told her that God had appeared to me in Willy Hill, Maker of Books, and given me a tip that came in and that I'd made a fair wedge. 6I also told her that God had directed me via the angel on the optic to the Farmfoods to pick up a feast for my daughter's return but that I had been ejected before I could follow His will. 7And so Senga's eyes they did burn red and she asked, "Fancy coming back to mine?" and before I could reply the heavens split wide open and God appeared to me from the driver's seat and he did speaketh to me via the rear vieweth mirror.
7. The Revelation to Malky in the Back Seat of a Taxi
1And God said unto me, "Malky, I have bestowed upon you fantastic riches and through your trials today you have seen my greatness." 2And I said, "Lord, thou art great, so thou art." 3And the Lord said, "You had better believe it." 4And I said, "Sorry about the feast thing." 5And He said, "That's okay." 6And then God said, "I have a plan for you, Malky, and it isn't for you to get your rotten end away with Senga of Carbrain." 7Though I did suspecteth as much, it disappointed me for verily I had not known a woman for many years. 8Still, I cast the harlot from the taxi and instructed the driver to make haste to the Tower of Seafar, encouraging his compliance with much coinage. 9The taxi driver delivered me in good time and dropped me at the corner of my street under the shadow of the Tower of Seafar whereupon I was overcome by a plethora of nerves and those nerves manifested themselves as a terrible thirst which I sought to quench in the local alehouse. 10And yay, within the alehouse it was warm and the ales they were wet.
8. The Miracle of Turning Money Into Nothing
1Once I explained about God's intervention at Willy Hill, Maker of Books, I did find solace from the Innkeeper as my face was one he knew well and he did serve me with pints. 2But it came to pass that I was forced to sit in a quiet corner for the smell that rose from my trousers was diabolical. 3Despite the pints, my thirst remained unquenched and my nerves intensified and when I looked to the optics for my angelic guide, he was nowhere to be seen. 4So I drank further and played the puggy lucklessly for many minutes and prayed for guidance. 5This continued until I forgot about my daughter and the feast and the unfulfilled promise from Senga of Carbrain. 6And more time passed and more pints were consumed until my thirst proved to be stronger than my winnings could support and when I cast my hand into my arse pocket, all I could muster was the prophesy from the social services. 7So it came to be that the Innkeeper's hospitality drained, for my face was indeed one he knew well, and he did request my departure. 8And lo, when I became aggressive, he encouraged me with a hand on my back and pushed me out of the door whereupon I fell to the ground and did soil myself once more.
9. The Prodigal Daughter
1Through the rain, the daylight did dazzle me with brightness and the world appeared white but within the white there was a figure and though I had not laid eyes upon her face for thirteen years and four months and thirteen days, I knew her and I said, "My daughter." 2I reached out to her and in my hand I held the prophesy delivered to me by the social services. 3And her sad eyes dwelt upon me for the ages but she did not take my hand and she looked not toward the message and she offered no words and she stood in the rain. 4And then her eyes showed no more sorrow and she retreated to her car and a terrible wind troubled my face and then she was gone and once she was gone I knew it to be true that she would never return and my belly it did ache and my throat it did burn. 5I wept.
10. God's Final Revelation to Malky
1Lo, and the Lord appeared once more to me in the skies above the Tower of Seafar and the clouds cleared in wonder of His presence and the rain dried up and the wind fell silent. 2Still on my knees, I looked up and pleaded with Him to tell me the next part of His plan for me. 3God said, "You have fulfilled it." 4And then the sky fell black and the rain recommenced harder than ever and the wind grabbed the prophesy from the social services from my hand and it took to the heavens. 5And at that moment, it all made perfect sense. 6I understood it always had to be this way, and it would always be so. 7For the Lord has His hand on the tiller of my life and He guides me safely through these troubled waters. 8Praise be to God. Amen.
About the Author
Gavin Broom was born in Falkirk and now lives in Michigan. He has been published numerous times online and in print, and he edits fiction for The Waterhouse Review.