Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series One
by Rab Christie
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE FOUR - Don't clap the dogs!
_____________________________________________________________________
Back in the MOP Chamber again. #Team MacGnome were still turning up in numbers. No one else turned up much except when the cameras were on in the afternoon, and even then most of them sent notes saying ‘in committee’ or ‘other important work’ or whatever. Their mums must have worked overtime in their childhoods getting them out of games.
Still mostly boring. You’ll know that if you ever tune in. But as Angus pointed out to Scott, or it might have been Scott pointing it out to Angus, I can’t remember, it was pretty much like that in guerrilla warfare. A lot of time spent waiting for something to happen and then it happens and it’s scary and exciting and over – and more waiting – assuming you don’t get killed in the moments of action.
And Scott was beginning to feel that he was a guerrilla caged in the MOP. The office he now shared with Angus and another member of #TeamMacGnome, a woman called Islay from the wee islands constituency, was pretty much like an overcrowded guerrilla cage and certainly made the phrase ‘hot desking’ both familiar and appropriate to the daily grind.
At least there was space in the MOP chamber. In his darker moments Scott couldn’t help thinking he’d made a wrong turn in his life somewhere. He pined for the mountains. His Greek holiday was a fantasy long passed and from Monday morning when he arrived in the Dirty Old River City of Das Capital on an economy class train which he’d got up the night before to catch, he counted the hours till Thursday night when he could get back to reality, courtesy of another seven hour train journey home.
He had had no idea of the sacrifice he was going to have to make. Now here he was, making it. He had a job to do, he knew that. But everything seemed to be conspiring to work against him ever being able to do that job efficiently. Indeed the very ‘job’ description set out by MOP now seemed to be precisely ordered to make sure it was impossible to ‘do’ anything of substance or importance. All time was to be wasted. As all money was being wasted.
It was a closed shop, a self-perpetuating system that only kept working by the complicity of those running it, and Scott made a vow to himself that he would not let this happen. He would not waste his life, his time, other people’s money and the world’s resources keeping this baby afloat. He seriously started hatching a plan. Not so much cunning as daring and cataclysmic. But he kept quiet about it and so I’m not telling you what it was just yet.
There were days that were better than bad. Days when, if not victory, a chink in the One Nation MOP armour was achieved. The greatest of these was the great ‘you can’t clap in the chamber’ day.
It started out as dull as any day. Grey skies outside, grey suits inside, grey moods everywhere. But it was the day of Angus’s maiden speech. And what a corker of a speech it was. I won’t go into the detail because you can still find it on GnomeTube if you search Angus MacFetchum maiden speech. But don’t do that till you’ve finished reading this please. One thing at a time is a good rule for life.
Angus’s speech really laid into the One Nation views. It was the moment he’d been waiting for his whole 30 years, probably since he’d learned to speak in the first place. And it elicited wild and spontaneous applause in the MOP Chamber. Among #TeamMacGnome at any rate. The One Nation benches remained stony-faced (some even woke up, disturbed by the stooshie!).
The Speaker was all over #TeamMacGnome like a rash.
‘Order, order,’ he shouted. ‘Members will remember that you are not allowed to express our appreciation by means of applause.’ (Interesting switch of personal pronoun there, I might point out!)
With a rush of blood to the head #TeamMacGnome applauded this very remonstration. And then laughed at the irony of their own situation.
The Speaker turned the colour of a beetroot. ‘Desist or there will be consequences,’ he spluttered out.
One of the old lags of #Team MacGnome stood up – a veteran of many MOP battles who now revelled in the fact that he had back-up in number.
‘And so, pray might the honourable Speaker tell us how we may express our appreciation,’ he said.
‘In the time-honoured way,’ the Speaker replied, ‘as you well know.’
‘But some of my colleagues do not know,’ the veteran replied, ‘and since there has been precious little occasion to express appreciation for anything that has been said in the past month, perhaps you need to explain to them most clearly how they may express their appreciation.’
Now the Speaker was flummoxed. ‘What do you mean? Everyone knows what is appropriate,’ he said.
‘Perhaps an example,’ the veteran asked.
‘Give us an example,’ #Team MacGnome chanted to a man (and woman because of course they were nearly equally gender balanced, as all good societies should be).
‘Well, you might call out ‘Bravo’,’ the Speaker said.
‘Bravo,’ shouted one of the One Nation members who had been woken from his sleep.
And his fellow members joined in a chorus. It sounded like nothing so much as a farmyard of animals. Try it yourself if you don’t believe me. Keep shouting ‘Bravo, hear hear, bravo’ a few times – get a few mates to join you. It is not what one might call ‘civilised’.
The Veteran MacGnome member stood up. Politely. Waited his turn. Politely. Caught The Speaker’s eye.
‘And this is what you deem the more appropriate way of expressing appreciation?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ The Speaker replied. Undaunted.
A burst of bravoes and hear hears broke out around the chamber. Not, it must be said, from the benches of #TeamMacGnome.
Angus stood up. He was entitled to speak now he’d given his maiden speech, after all. The Speaker smelt trouble.
He waved Angus to wait for a moment.
‘Mr MacFetchum,’ The Speaker said, ‘I do not wish you to think that we do not appreciate your timely and passionate maiden speech, nor that we wish in any way to curtail or constrain others from expressing their appreciation of what you have to say. It is just that it must be done in the time-honoured manner accepted within this chamber.’
Angus spoke. ‘Thank you for your kind words about my speech,’ he said, ‘but as well as you may have noticed, one of the things I was talking about was behaviour of elected members. And I’m afraid I am at a loss to understand a tradition that suggests that sounding boorish or braying like a pack of donkeys in any way upholds any notion of civilised behaviour. And I am afraid that I for one cannot express my appreciation of any member in such a barbaric way. Therefore, if applause is an unacceptable gesture in this house, I shall remain silent in my appreciation from henceforth, until such a ridiculous rule is repealed.’
His speech was curtailed by polite applause from the #Team MacGnome benches.
‘Order, order,’ the Speaker shouted, getting plainly vexed. ‘We cannot have this behaviour in the house. You must obey the rules as set.’
The applause stopped. The Veteran MacGnome stood up and waved for attention. The Speaker gave ground.
‘May I remind the Honourable Speaker that we are here precisely to set the rules, new where necessary, and that the suggestion that because a thing has always been done one way it should always be done one way is simply farcical.’
Stifled noises of people unable to applaud, and the odd attempt at a ‘Bravo’ that didn’t sound like boorish behaviour. A little ‘Well said’ here and there.
The Veteran continued, ‘Might I make the suggestion that we amend the rules, looking to the Hillywood Parliament, where applause is the accepted response for appreciation – as indeed it is in the wider world…’
He didn’t get to finish. The Speaker took control. Or tried to.
‘And may I remind the Honourable Member that we are not in the Hillywood Parliament.’
Asides were heard of ‘shame’, ‘pity’, etc.
‘Sadly,’ the Veteran Member replied, ‘I am in no danger of forgetting that fact.’ And he sat down.
From the Government back benches there were mutterings of ‘go back where you belong’ but not audible enough for the television microphones to pick them up. It is One Nation, after all.
The Speaker ignored them. Hoping he had regained control of a difficult situation. And with Angus’s card firmly marked for the future.
No one expected what came next. And since no one could know, nor can you, so I’ll tell you.
A little voice somewhere (it might have been Scott but no one could pinpoint it) shouted out – ‘Don’t clap the dog. Don’t clap the dog.’
And the #Team MacGnome benches dissolved into fits of laughter. We can’t hold this against them. After all, we need to let them laugh when they can. Most of their job seems more likely to make a grown man cry, after all.
But the days of applause in the chamber were numbered. And the One Nations would call it a victory. Which shows how bad their view of the world is. Believing you’ve won by stopping people from engaging in civilised behaviour, accepted as such round the entire world, and forcing them to behave like oafs in order to express themselves… well, that’s hardly the work of an institution that demands respect now, is it?
Swearwords: None.
Description: EPISODE FOUR - Don't clap the dogs!
_____________________________________________________________________
Back in the MOP Chamber again. #Team MacGnome were still turning up in numbers. No one else turned up much except when the cameras were on in the afternoon, and even then most of them sent notes saying ‘in committee’ or ‘other important work’ or whatever. Their mums must have worked overtime in their childhoods getting them out of games.
Still mostly boring. You’ll know that if you ever tune in. But as Angus pointed out to Scott, or it might have been Scott pointing it out to Angus, I can’t remember, it was pretty much like that in guerrilla warfare. A lot of time spent waiting for something to happen and then it happens and it’s scary and exciting and over – and more waiting – assuming you don’t get killed in the moments of action.
And Scott was beginning to feel that he was a guerrilla caged in the MOP. The office he now shared with Angus and another member of #TeamMacGnome, a woman called Islay from the wee islands constituency, was pretty much like an overcrowded guerrilla cage and certainly made the phrase ‘hot desking’ both familiar and appropriate to the daily grind.
At least there was space in the MOP chamber. In his darker moments Scott couldn’t help thinking he’d made a wrong turn in his life somewhere. He pined for the mountains. His Greek holiday was a fantasy long passed and from Monday morning when he arrived in the Dirty Old River City of Das Capital on an economy class train which he’d got up the night before to catch, he counted the hours till Thursday night when he could get back to reality, courtesy of another seven hour train journey home.
He had had no idea of the sacrifice he was going to have to make. Now here he was, making it. He had a job to do, he knew that. But everything seemed to be conspiring to work against him ever being able to do that job efficiently. Indeed the very ‘job’ description set out by MOP now seemed to be precisely ordered to make sure it was impossible to ‘do’ anything of substance or importance. All time was to be wasted. As all money was being wasted.
It was a closed shop, a self-perpetuating system that only kept working by the complicity of those running it, and Scott made a vow to himself that he would not let this happen. He would not waste his life, his time, other people’s money and the world’s resources keeping this baby afloat. He seriously started hatching a plan. Not so much cunning as daring and cataclysmic. But he kept quiet about it and so I’m not telling you what it was just yet.
There were days that were better than bad. Days when, if not victory, a chink in the One Nation MOP armour was achieved. The greatest of these was the great ‘you can’t clap in the chamber’ day.
It started out as dull as any day. Grey skies outside, grey suits inside, grey moods everywhere. But it was the day of Angus’s maiden speech. And what a corker of a speech it was. I won’t go into the detail because you can still find it on GnomeTube if you search Angus MacFetchum maiden speech. But don’t do that till you’ve finished reading this please. One thing at a time is a good rule for life.
Angus’s speech really laid into the One Nation views. It was the moment he’d been waiting for his whole 30 years, probably since he’d learned to speak in the first place. And it elicited wild and spontaneous applause in the MOP Chamber. Among #TeamMacGnome at any rate. The One Nation benches remained stony-faced (some even woke up, disturbed by the stooshie!).
The Speaker was all over #TeamMacGnome like a rash.
‘Order, order,’ he shouted. ‘Members will remember that you are not allowed to express our appreciation by means of applause.’ (Interesting switch of personal pronoun there, I might point out!)
With a rush of blood to the head #TeamMacGnome applauded this very remonstration. And then laughed at the irony of their own situation.
The Speaker turned the colour of a beetroot. ‘Desist or there will be consequences,’ he spluttered out.
One of the old lags of #Team MacGnome stood up – a veteran of many MOP battles who now revelled in the fact that he had back-up in number.
‘And so, pray might the honourable Speaker tell us how we may express our appreciation,’ he said.
‘In the time-honoured way,’ the Speaker replied, ‘as you well know.’
‘But some of my colleagues do not know,’ the veteran replied, ‘and since there has been precious little occasion to express appreciation for anything that has been said in the past month, perhaps you need to explain to them most clearly how they may express their appreciation.’
Now the Speaker was flummoxed. ‘What do you mean? Everyone knows what is appropriate,’ he said.
‘Perhaps an example,’ the veteran asked.
‘Give us an example,’ #Team MacGnome chanted to a man (and woman because of course they were nearly equally gender balanced, as all good societies should be).
‘Well, you might call out ‘Bravo’,’ the Speaker said.
‘Bravo,’ shouted one of the One Nation members who had been woken from his sleep.
And his fellow members joined in a chorus. It sounded like nothing so much as a farmyard of animals. Try it yourself if you don’t believe me. Keep shouting ‘Bravo, hear hear, bravo’ a few times – get a few mates to join you. It is not what one might call ‘civilised’.
The Veteran MacGnome member stood up. Politely. Waited his turn. Politely. Caught The Speaker’s eye.
‘And this is what you deem the more appropriate way of expressing appreciation?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ The Speaker replied. Undaunted.
A burst of bravoes and hear hears broke out around the chamber. Not, it must be said, from the benches of #TeamMacGnome.
Angus stood up. He was entitled to speak now he’d given his maiden speech, after all. The Speaker smelt trouble.
He waved Angus to wait for a moment.
‘Mr MacFetchum,’ The Speaker said, ‘I do not wish you to think that we do not appreciate your timely and passionate maiden speech, nor that we wish in any way to curtail or constrain others from expressing their appreciation of what you have to say. It is just that it must be done in the time-honoured manner accepted within this chamber.’
Angus spoke. ‘Thank you for your kind words about my speech,’ he said, ‘but as well as you may have noticed, one of the things I was talking about was behaviour of elected members. And I’m afraid I am at a loss to understand a tradition that suggests that sounding boorish or braying like a pack of donkeys in any way upholds any notion of civilised behaviour. And I am afraid that I for one cannot express my appreciation of any member in such a barbaric way. Therefore, if applause is an unacceptable gesture in this house, I shall remain silent in my appreciation from henceforth, until such a ridiculous rule is repealed.’
His speech was curtailed by polite applause from the #Team MacGnome benches.
‘Order, order,’ the Speaker shouted, getting plainly vexed. ‘We cannot have this behaviour in the house. You must obey the rules as set.’
The applause stopped. The Veteran MacGnome stood up and waved for attention. The Speaker gave ground.
‘May I remind the Honourable Speaker that we are here precisely to set the rules, new where necessary, and that the suggestion that because a thing has always been done one way it should always be done one way is simply farcical.’
Stifled noises of people unable to applaud, and the odd attempt at a ‘Bravo’ that didn’t sound like boorish behaviour. A little ‘Well said’ here and there.
The Veteran continued, ‘Might I make the suggestion that we amend the rules, looking to the Hillywood Parliament, where applause is the accepted response for appreciation – as indeed it is in the wider world…’
He didn’t get to finish. The Speaker took control. Or tried to.
‘And may I remind the Honourable Member that we are not in the Hillywood Parliament.’
Asides were heard of ‘shame’, ‘pity’, etc.
‘Sadly,’ the Veteran Member replied, ‘I am in no danger of forgetting that fact.’ And he sat down.
From the Government back benches there were mutterings of ‘go back where you belong’ but not audible enough for the television microphones to pick them up. It is One Nation, after all.
The Speaker ignored them. Hoping he had regained control of a difficult situation. And with Angus’s card firmly marked for the future.
No one expected what came next. And since no one could know, nor can you, so I’ll tell you.
A little voice somewhere (it might have been Scott but no one could pinpoint it) shouted out – ‘Don’t clap the dog. Don’t clap the dog.’
And the #Team MacGnome benches dissolved into fits of laughter. We can’t hold this against them. After all, we need to let them laugh when they can. Most of their job seems more likely to make a grown man cry, after all.
But the days of applause in the chamber were numbered. And the One Nations would call it a victory. Which shows how bad their view of the world is. Believing you’ve won by stopping people from engaging in civilised behaviour, accepted as such round the entire world, and forcing them to behave like oafs in order to express themselves… well, that’s hardly the work of an institution that demands respect now, is it?
About the Author
G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.
Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.