Knock Knock
by Brian Morrison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: The science of a knock knock joke.
_____________________________________________________________________
‘Knock knock,’ said Mumford.
He knew without doubt what the response to this statement should have been and he had no doubt in his mind that he was in control of the situation...
The old ‘knock knock gag’.
It seemed to have existed for ever and a day. The surprising fact of the matter is that the five-lined, well worn gag routine is actually less than one hundred years old, although purists would announce smugly that Shakespeare used a strikingly similar version of the knock knock gag in Macbeth. This information should not really come as that much of a surprise to the English speaking world, as a large number of catch phrases, one liners, put downs, chat up lines and even knob jokes could, some would argue, find roots in the bard’s work.
Following tradition, Mumford delivered the gag’s first line with a great deal of gusto and exuberance. After all, as mentioned before, he was in complete control of the situation in hand. For those not of this planet; for those individuals who, through some queer quirk of nature, have no idea how a knock knock gag process evolves, the person who delivers ‘line one’ of the gag holds all the aces. He knows without doubt that it will fall on him to deliver the final line of the gag. The punchline. The killer blow. Corny and cheesy as it may be, the honour will be his and his alone.
A millisecond passed.
Mumford’s best buddy of the moment, Dan Lawless, diverted his gaze from the roadway ahead and made eye contact with his travelling companion. Lawless could sense a surge of power, an almost perceptible aura emanating from Mumford. In that millisecond, he detected a certain “I know something that you don’t know” feeling. Of course, Dan Lawless was well aware of his own duties in this situation. He had already decided on the answer to the first line of the gag. It was imprinted in his brain. He had no script to learn. It all came to him automatically. Lawless knew that the riposte to ‘line one’ of the gag could only be answered in a certain way. There was in fact only one response possible. Dan Lawless wasn’t what you would call an academic. He never studied literature, science, politics or social studies, but he knew what was coming next.
Another millisecond passed.
A David Bowie song was playing on the car radio. Moonage Daydream from the Ziggy Stardust album. Dan Lawless knew the song well. He had grown up with Bowie. “Keep your electric eye on me babe,” sang Bowie. Lawless already had the next line in his mind. He would need no prompting. The line was, “Put your ray gun to my head.” All of this information was flooding Dan Lawless’ brain. He was well aware what the next line of the song was going to be. Line two of the knock knock gag was ‘in the bag’. On top of this, he knew instinctively how to steer the car - how hard to press on the accelerator pedal - how to watch out for oncoming vehicles and pedestrians. He was multitasking in a big way, and yet...
Another millisecond passed.
And it only was a millisecond, but Lawless took in even more information. He hadn’t even drawn breath to deliver ‘line two’ of the gag, but his eyes could see that his friend had not shaved in a couple of days. He noticed the open black space in Mumford’s mouth where his two front teeth had been. A flashback of almost a year in time created a vision in his mind; a scrap between two men. A sickening thud and the noise of tooth enamel bouncing off a wooden panelled wall. He noticed that Mumford’s complexion was flushed. The tiny blood vessels on his face were dilating as adrenaline enriched blood bathed his companion’s face in a warm glow. This appearance was down to the fact that Mumford was holding his breath. This phenomenon was a completely natural occurrence. It had all to do with that gag. The five lined routine. The knock knock joke.
Mumford was in the ascendancy. Lines one, three and five of the gag were the powerful players in this game. The lines that Lawless had at his disposal were less so. In fact they were weak and submissive. Lawless had no control of the process or the outcome of the routine.
Another millisecond.
Lawless drew a breath whilst Mumford held on to the air that was nestling in his lungs. There was ample storage in there. And then it happened. ‘Line two’ was delivered.
‘Who’s there,’ said Lawless.
Mumford’s pupils dilated as he too drew in a sharp fresh intake of air. This was another powerful moment in time. ‘Line three’ in the knock knock gag, as mentioned before, is almost as immense, though not quite in the same league as line five. Mumford’s features contorted into a manic grin as he uttered the set up line. The ‘set up line’ is another common term for ‘line three’. It is the phrase that hangs out there like a suspended seventh chord in the world of music. It is also a teaser. Once it is out. Once it has been uttered, the second person has just the slightest chance to guess what line five is going to be even before line four has been said.
Another millisecond.
‘Interrupting cow,’ said Mumford.
By this time Lawless’ eyes were back on the road in front of him. The line that Mumford had just delivered came as a surprise to him. He hadn’t heard it before, so this gag was going to be a new experience to him. He quickly gathered all of the information together in his mind. Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow.
The milliseconds were running out. He knew this fact.
There was no other way around the situation. Dan Lawless knew that he was about to deliver the weak fourth line. The format for the knock knock gag is to repeat line three again, but with the addition of the word, “Who?” So therefore, line four reads “Interrupting cow, who?”
Lawless sighed then said. ‘Interrup . . .’
‘Mooooooooooooooooooooooo!’ cried Mumford triumphantly, as the car’s wheels took a severe wobble.
Swearwords: None.
Description: The science of a knock knock joke.
_____________________________________________________________________
‘Knock knock,’ said Mumford.
He knew without doubt what the response to this statement should have been and he had no doubt in his mind that he was in control of the situation...
The old ‘knock knock gag’.
It seemed to have existed for ever and a day. The surprising fact of the matter is that the five-lined, well worn gag routine is actually less than one hundred years old, although purists would announce smugly that Shakespeare used a strikingly similar version of the knock knock gag in Macbeth. This information should not really come as that much of a surprise to the English speaking world, as a large number of catch phrases, one liners, put downs, chat up lines and even knob jokes could, some would argue, find roots in the bard’s work.
Following tradition, Mumford delivered the gag’s first line with a great deal of gusto and exuberance. After all, as mentioned before, he was in complete control of the situation in hand. For those not of this planet; for those individuals who, through some queer quirk of nature, have no idea how a knock knock gag process evolves, the person who delivers ‘line one’ of the gag holds all the aces. He knows without doubt that it will fall on him to deliver the final line of the gag. The punchline. The killer blow. Corny and cheesy as it may be, the honour will be his and his alone.
A millisecond passed.
Mumford’s best buddy of the moment, Dan Lawless, diverted his gaze from the roadway ahead and made eye contact with his travelling companion. Lawless could sense a surge of power, an almost perceptible aura emanating from Mumford. In that millisecond, he detected a certain “I know something that you don’t know” feeling. Of course, Dan Lawless was well aware of his own duties in this situation. He had already decided on the answer to the first line of the gag. It was imprinted in his brain. He had no script to learn. It all came to him automatically. Lawless knew that the riposte to ‘line one’ of the gag could only be answered in a certain way. There was in fact only one response possible. Dan Lawless wasn’t what you would call an academic. He never studied literature, science, politics or social studies, but he knew what was coming next.
Another millisecond passed.
A David Bowie song was playing on the car radio. Moonage Daydream from the Ziggy Stardust album. Dan Lawless knew the song well. He had grown up with Bowie. “Keep your electric eye on me babe,” sang Bowie. Lawless already had the next line in his mind. He would need no prompting. The line was, “Put your ray gun to my head.” All of this information was flooding Dan Lawless’ brain. He was well aware what the next line of the song was going to be. Line two of the knock knock gag was ‘in the bag’. On top of this, he knew instinctively how to steer the car - how hard to press on the accelerator pedal - how to watch out for oncoming vehicles and pedestrians. He was multitasking in a big way, and yet...
Another millisecond passed.
And it only was a millisecond, but Lawless took in even more information. He hadn’t even drawn breath to deliver ‘line two’ of the gag, but his eyes could see that his friend had not shaved in a couple of days. He noticed the open black space in Mumford’s mouth where his two front teeth had been. A flashback of almost a year in time created a vision in his mind; a scrap between two men. A sickening thud and the noise of tooth enamel bouncing off a wooden panelled wall. He noticed that Mumford’s complexion was flushed. The tiny blood vessels on his face were dilating as adrenaline enriched blood bathed his companion’s face in a warm glow. This appearance was down to the fact that Mumford was holding his breath. This phenomenon was a completely natural occurrence. It had all to do with that gag. The five lined routine. The knock knock joke.
Mumford was in the ascendancy. Lines one, three and five of the gag were the powerful players in this game. The lines that Lawless had at his disposal were less so. In fact they were weak and submissive. Lawless had no control of the process or the outcome of the routine.
Another millisecond.
Lawless drew a breath whilst Mumford held on to the air that was nestling in his lungs. There was ample storage in there. And then it happened. ‘Line two’ was delivered.
‘Who’s there,’ said Lawless.
Mumford’s pupils dilated as he too drew in a sharp fresh intake of air. This was another powerful moment in time. ‘Line three’ in the knock knock gag, as mentioned before, is almost as immense, though not quite in the same league as line five. Mumford’s features contorted into a manic grin as he uttered the set up line. The ‘set up line’ is another common term for ‘line three’. It is the phrase that hangs out there like a suspended seventh chord in the world of music. It is also a teaser. Once it is out. Once it has been uttered, the second person has just the slightest chance to guess what line five is going to be even before line four has been said.
Another millisecond.
‘Interrupting cow,’ said Mumford.
By this time Lawless’ eyes were back on the road in front of him. The line that Mumford had just delivered came as a surprise to him. He hadn’t heard it before, so this gag was going to be a new experience to him. He quickly gathered all of the information together in his mind. Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow.
The milliseconds were running out. He knew this fact.
There was no other way around the situation. Dan Lawless knew that he was about to deliver the weak fourth line. The format for the knock knock gag is to repeat line three again, but with the addition of the word, “Who?” So therefore, line four reads “Interrupting cow, who?”
Lawless sighed then said. ‘Interrup . . .’
‘Mooooooooooooooooooooooo!’ cried Mumford triumphantly, as the car’s wheels took a severe wobble.
About the Author
Born in Saltcoats, Brian Morrison has a day job at the Hunterston Power Station. But in his other life he is well known as a caricaturist, a comedy sketch writer and more recently a novelist.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.