Whair's ri Catch?
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Coanvursation piece #3. Best pals act.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Time d'ye caw ris man?”
“Eh? A'm no' late umma?”
“An 'oor an' a hauf is aw. A've been here fur a guid 'oor an' a hauf so a huv. See me...see whin a've tae bey a place ur a make an appintmint....a make shair a'm rer oan time so a dae.”
“Wull, rur's nuhin' spilin' is rur? It's no' lit sumb'dy deid ur sumhin', is it?”
“It's jeest....every tum wi arrange tae come doon here a end up sittin' wi' masel' fur 'oors oan en'. Ren ye come oot wi' ri maist ridiculous excuses is tae whye yur late. An' by ri wye, yur excuses ur getting' weirder an' weirder jeest lately.”
“A don't 'hink yur bein' very fair here pal. A'm no' ri wan wi ri OCD gin oan......umma?”
“OCD? OCD is it? Whair ri fuck d'ye get rat wan fae?”
“Urr day whin a wis roon' your hoose furra len e' yur pressure hose ye wint intae ri kitchin cupboard fur sumhin' an' aw yur tins wis lined up lit sojurs.”
“Ach, rat's jeest bein tidy fur fuck's sake. Bit here, yur jeest tryin' tae alter ri coorse e' ri coanvursation.”
“Whit aboot aw yur soax aw line't up in perrs oan ri waashin' line ren?”
“Eh? Jeezo rat makes it easier tae perr rum up whin rur dry man, saves time ye ken?”
“An' whit wid ye dae wi' ri time ye saved? Mibbes make shair yur music collection wis in alphabetical oarder?”
“See! Yur chingin' ri subject aw rigithur 'cos ye huvnae a guid reason fur bein' late.......again.”
“Fur yur infurmation pal, a've a perfectly guid reason bit wi' ri attitude yur takin' ah'll mibbes jeest keep it tae masel.”
“Jeest lit a thote man. Yur gein' yursel' a few extra meenits tae 'hink sumhin' up. A'm right, inta?”
“Awright. Here y'ur. A wis pittin' new laces in ma kickba' bits.”
“Say rat again. Did a hear you sayin' ye wis pittin' new laces in yur kickba' bits? Issis whit a mean ya scunner. Y'ur getting' bizarrur an' bizarrur so ye ur. A mean, wi huvnae played kickba' fur gettin' oan fur fifteen year an' y'ur 'hinkin' a tryin' oot fur ri Solkits Vics. izzat whit yur tellin' me here?”
“A nivir says a waantit tae stert playin' again.”
“Sa whit ri fuck wis ye pittin' new laces in yur bits fur?”
“A'm donatin' rum, passin' rum oan tae sumb'dy rit kin yais rum.”
“Who?”
“Fuck knows man. A jeest haun't rum intae ri charity shope.”
“An' rat taen ye an 'oor an' a hauf did it?”
“Don't be stupit man. Only taen me two meenits. Rey wis shut fur rur dinner whin a wint roon' sa a waitit fur rum tae open up again. A wisnae fur leain' rum oan ri step in case sumb'dy taen a shine tae rum.”
“A'm runnin' aboot wi' a fuckin' numptie so am ur. Y'ur gein' rum awa' sa whit wid it maitur who goat rum.”
“Don't noke it man. Sumb'dy geid me wan poun' forty seevin' while a wis waitin'.”
“Who?”
“Fuck knows. A settl't intae ri wee chair tae wait an' a full asleep. Whin a woke up rur wis aw rat dosh in ma lap.”
“Ah. A kin see whit's happen't here.”
“How d'ye mean?”
“Folk thote ye wis a beggar fulla man, an' luckin' et ri state e' ye a kin see whye.”
“Cheeky bastart. A wis gonnae go haufers wi' ye tae.”
“Nivir mind rat. Did ye bring a piece wi' ye 'cos a furgoat mine?”
“Aye.”
“Whit's oan rum?”
“Haud oan man. Whair dae ye waant me tae sit?”
“Eh?”
“Whit side dae ye waant me tae sit et?”
“Whit in ri name a' fuck diffrince dis rat make?”
“A'm gein' ye ri choice 'cos ri last tum ye wur greetin' whin a done better'n ye. Says it wis 'cos a wis sittin' et ri wrang side e' ye ur sumhin'.”
“Disnae maiter. A'm gonnae tan yur erse ris tum. Sit whair ye waant ah'll no bey bate ri day.”
“Sa whair's ri catch?”
“Whit?”
“Ri catch. Whair's ri catch if yuv been here an 'oor an' a hauf afore me?”
“Ah, a wis waitin' fur ye so's a didnae huv an unfair advantage.”
“Waitin' eh? Yur lines ur aw oot rer an' a bet rur baitit up tae. Whit's up, ur rey no bitin'?
“Ur rey fuck. By ri wye, whit did ye say wis oan rem pieces?”
“Fish paste.”
“Aw fuck man, rat jeest kinfirms it, a'm runnin' aboot wi' a numptie so am ur.”
“GOAT WAN. JEEZO 'ES A BIG BASTART, GEI'S A HAUN HERE WULL YE? A THOTE YOU SAYS REY WURNAE BITIN'?”
Swearwords: A lot of strong ones.
Description: Coanvursation piece #3. Best pals act.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Time d'ye caw ris man?”
“Eh? A'm no' late umma?”
“An 'oor an' a hauf is aw. A've been here fur a guid 'oor an' a hauf so a huv. See me...see whin a've tae bey a place ur a make an appintmint....a make shair a'm rer oan time so a dae.”
“Wull, rur's nuhin' spilin' is rur? It's no' lit sumb'dy deid ur sumhin', is it?”
“It's jeest....every tum wi arrange tae come doon here a end up sittin' wi' masel' fur 'oors oan en'. Ren ye come oot wi' ri maist ridiculous excuses is tae whye yur late. An' by ri wye, yur excuses ur getting' weirder an' weirder jeest lately.”
“A don't 'hink yur bein' very fair here pal. A'm no' ri wan wi ri OCD gin oan......umma?”
“OCD? OCD is it? Whair ri fuck d'ye get rat wan fae?”
“Urr day whin a wis roon' your hoose furra len e' yur pressure hose ye wint intae ri kitchin cupboard fur sumhin' an' aw yur tins wis lined up lit sojurs.”
“Ach, rat's jeest bein tidy fur fuck's sake. Bit here, yur jeest tryin' tae alter ri coorse e' ri coanvursation.”
“Whit aboot aw yur soax aw line't up in perrs oan ri waashin' line ren?”
“Eh? Jeezo rat makes it easier tae perr rum up whin rur dry man, saves time ye ken?”
“An' whit wid ye dae wi' ri time ye saved? Mibbes make shair yur music collection wis in alphabetical oarder?”
“See! Yur chingin' ri subject aw rigithur 'cos ye huvnae a guid reason fur bein' late.......again.”
“Fur yur infurmation pal, a've a perfectly guid reason bit wi' ri attitude yur takin' ah'll mibbes jeest keep it tae masel.”
“Jeest lit a thote man. Yur gein' yursel' a few extra meenits tae 'hink sumhin' up. A'm right, inta?”
“Awright. Here y'ur. A wis pittin' new laces in ma kickba' bits.”
“Say rat again. Did a hear you sayin' ye wis pittin' new laces in yur kickba' bits? Issis whit a mean ya scunner. Y'ur getting' bizarrur an' bizarrur so ye ur. A mean, wi huvnae played kickba' fur gettin' oan fur fifteen year an' y'ur 'hinkin' a tryin' oot fur ri Solkits Vics. izzat whit yur tellin' me here?”
“A nivir says a waantit tae stert playin' again.”
“Sa whit ri fuck wis ye pittin' new laces in yur bits fur?”
“A'm donatin' rum, passin' rum oan tae sumb'dy rit kin yais rum.”
“Who?”
“Fuck knows man. A jeest haun't rum intae ri charity shope.”
“An' rat taen ye an 'oor an' a hauf did it?”
“Don't be stupit man. Only taen me two meenits. Rey wis shut fur rur dinner whin a wint roon' sa a waitit fur rum tae open up again. A wisnae fur leain' rum oan ri step in case sumb'dy taen a shine tae rum.”
“A'm runnin' aboot wi' a fuckin' numptie so am ur. Y'ur gein' rum awa' sa whit wid it maitur who goat rum.”
“Don't noke it man. Sumb'dy geid me wan poun' forty seevin' while a wis waitin'.”
“Who?”
“Fuck knows. A settl't intae ri wee chair tae wait an' a full asleep. Whin a woke up rur wis aw rat dosh in ma lap.”
“Ah. A kin see whit's happen't here.”
“How d'ye mean?”
“Folk thote ye wis a beggar fulla man, an' luckin' et ri state e' ye a kin see whye.”
“Cheeky bastart. A wis gonnae go haufers wi' ye tae.”
“Nivir mind rat. Did ye bring a piece wi' ye 'cos a furgoat mine?”
“Aye.”
“Whit's oan rum?”
“Haud oan man. Whair dae ye waant me tae sit?”
“Eh?”
“Whit side dae ye waant me tae sit et?”
“Whit in ri name a' fuck diffrince dis rat make?”
“A'm gein' ye ri choice 'cos ri last tum ye wur greetin' whin a done better'n ye. Says it wis 'cos a wis sittin' et ri wrang side e' ye ur sumhin'.”
“Disnae maiter. A'm gonnae tan yur erse ris tum. Sit whair ye waant ah'll no bey bate ri day.”
“Sa whair's ri catch?”
“Whit?”
“Ri catch. Whair's ri catch if yuv been here an 'oor an' a hauf afore me?”
“Ah, a wis waitin' fur ye so's a didnae huv an unfair advantage.”
“Waitin' eh? Yur lines ur aw oot rer an' a bet rur baitit up tae. Whit's up, ur rey no bitin'?
“Ur rey fuck. By ri wye, whit did ye say wis oan rem pieces?”
“Fish paste.”
“Aw fuck man, rat jeest kinfirms it, a'm runnin' aboot wi' a numptie so am ur.”
“GOAT WAN. JEEZO 'ES A BIG BASTART, GEI'S A HAUN HERE WULL YE? A THOTE YOU SAYS REY WURNAE BITIN'?”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.