The Republic ov Shieldz
by Lee Carrick
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Too many to count.
Description: Just another day in the oil-rich state of South Shields.
_____________________________________________________________________
It had been a long last day at the G4 summit, Barack, Jinping, Vlad and Nicky were glad to be back at Nicky’s flat on Dean Road for the after party. They all agreed that Temple Park Leisure Centre had been an excellent venue for the Republic’s first summit and Vlad said that the 70’s sports centre had a real sense of history about it and noted that it could have easily been used for this year’s Winter Olympics due to the frozen puddles all over the fields.
-Oh aye Vlad, plenty ov history mate. You should’ve been there for the 2002 Temple Park 7-a-side cup final; The Ashley Pub FC Vs Stagecoach FC. Fuck me Vlad it was a five four classic. Ye would’ve loved it Barack and you’re not even a big footy fan, fucking excitin times pal a tel ye.
Nicky loved to brag about his country and its sporting achievements.
-The fight after the match was pretty good n all, he added.
Jingping was listening but Nicky could tell he was on edge. It’d been a tough three days of negotiations and the stress had taken it out of the Chinese leader. The Shieldz representatives had spent three days demanding that he pull his troops out of Tibet, threatening to pull the deal they had signed the previous year giving China unlimited access to heavily discounted oil.
-Ye areet Jinping ya lookin a bit edgy there mate, what’s the craic, Nicky said.
-Am alreet Nicky ye nah me, just canny worried aboot this Tibet shit, daint nah how am ganna get this past the communist cunts back yem, them cunts would love a reason to push iz oot of the top job man. Y nah what ah mean.
-Daint worry aboot it mate, I’ll send JC back wi ye, he’ll have the fuckers convinced it’s the right thing to dee and if they’re still givin y shit he’ll sort them reet oot. If y nah what ah mean.
-Cheers Nicky yer a good lad mate, and a true friend, Jingping said.
Nicky’s phone rang, he left the room and spoke to the caller for a few minutes in the kitchen. When he returned Barack looked excited.
-Was that Neil? Am fuckin dyin on a line here Nicky mate, thought you’d have it sorted by now.
- Calm it, Obama, have a eva let you doon in the past? Who was there for y when that Trump cunt was demandin your American birth certificate?
- Ye were, Nicky.
- That’s right, mate, ah telt ye the boy’s down the Woodbine were the boyos when it comes to forged documents eh. Nae cunt across the pond has a scoobie doo that they weren’t real eh. If those Republican lads fund oot ye were actually born in Kenya they would’ve hung ye oot t dry mate, ye wanna thank ya lucky stars Ritchie wasn’t busy on another job. That reminds iz ya still due iz fifty grand for that, Ritchie has been on the phone aboot it, daint make um come lookin for y. You’ll be a sorry cunt if he does. If you think it was hard gettin that Sarah Palin of ya back you’ll have to pull this radge off with a crowbar, none of those Navy Seal pricks will be any good te ye then I can promise y that.
-Soz, Nicky, al make sure ah drop it off before ah head back to the States.
Vlad, or Big Vlad the Inhaler as he was known in Shieldz, due in part to his large coke habit, had been quiet so far, he stared at Barack intensely as he spoke, Nicky was worried, knowing Vlad was the type of lad to lose his temper, especially with an American and especially one who didn’t pay his drug debts. Vlad hadn’t been the same since the Ukraine crisis. He was especially annoyed with Barack for freezing his Vegas bank account which was the one he used to pay his drugs debts with away from the watchful eyes of Mrs Putin. He’d had to come clean and ask her for the joint bank account card to pay Nicky for a weekend’s worth of crack and valis a few months back.
-Tel ye what Barack, Vlad said smiling. Ya Geordie is comin on lovely like.
-Cheers Vlad mate, when in Shieldz. Been practin back yem eh, I’ll be takin me exams soon, cannit wait t get that Shieldz passport, gonna take Michelle n the kids on a holiday t Jarra when ah can get in without payin for a visa, might even push the boat oot and have a weekend in Hebburn if ah can afford it like.
It had only taken South Shields Council six months to gain freedom from the United Kingdom once the oil was discovered. It took a little side deal with the Americans of course; South Shields was now the largest producer of oil in the world, overtaking the Russians and producing fifteen million barrels per day. It was estimated that South Shields, or The Republic ov Shieldz (which included the satellite towns of Cleadon Village, Jarrow and Hebburn )as it was now known, had eighty billion barrels in reserve which according to United States statistics accounted for fourteen percent of the world’s oil.
The oil had been discovered by a local resident, known to locals as The Don. Actually that’s not quite true, it was his dog Rossi who struck oil whilst burying a petrified frog in the back garden of their newly bought home on Cleadon Hill Drive, neighbours said it was the biggest dog-made hole they had ever seen. The Don was annoyed because Rossi had trailed black shit all over the house, that was, until he realised what the black shit really was.
After taking advice from American oil experts The Don founded The Shieldz Oil Company and bought up all the land he could with his new oil riches, striking black gold everywhere he went and making himself the richest man on the planet as he did. Within six months The Don owned all of South Shields and had helped the newly formed Independent Shieldz Council with Nicky as its leader to secede from the United Kingdom. Barack and Vladimir had a word in David Cameron’s ear and convinced him that it was in his own best interests to let South Shields go. It was rumoured that after the Russians had threatened the lives of Cameron’s wife and children he declared that the British did not negotiate with the terrorists. So Putin took it one step further and kidnapped the person Cameron loved more than anyone else, George Gideon Oliver Osborne. Osbourne was returned to the safety of Cameron’s bosom and Shieldz was now a republic free from the tyranny of Conservatives, landed gentry, politicians, police and the corporate aristocracy.
Being the richest man and biggest landowner the new republic looked to The Don for leadership in its infancy. He quickly established a temporary working government, set a date for democratic elections and injected two hundred billion into The Purse of The People, as the bank was now called. The Don was nothing if not generous and he wanted the public infrastructure to reflect that. As a town of little over 100,000 people who no longer needed to pay their rent, mortgages, council tax, income tax, national insurance, parking fees or television licence the residents were now quite comfortable with their 2 million each in the bank. Of course there were still the water rates, the gas and the Sky television bills to pay but they were more than affordable. The Don had ensured that no one person could withdraw over one thousand pounds in one day without special bank authorisation to prevent anyone taking the piss with the social fund. The economy of the town was based on The Don’s initial injection but he hadn’t just left it at that. He had also created an oil fund that guaranteed a percentage of the profits would be reinvested in the town or saved for future generations. He had also transformed the town into a tax haven for the non-corporate rich from around the world. The beautiful coastline and the Tyne River had provided the ideal place to moor their yachts in the summer time.
Tony and Tutty jostled for position at the bus stop, they needed to be in the first 28 people to get aboard the E6 bus from Park Lane bus station in Sunderland to The Nook shopping street in The Republic ov Shieldz. They used the points of their elbows and their wide shoulders to hold back the desperate souls behind them; they’d been doing this for five years, ever since oil was discovered underneath The Don’s garden on Cleadon Hill Drive, and they were good at it, they got on the bus at least six days out of seven.
As with the majority of other peoples in the surrounding areas they had attempted to get citizenship of the new republic but like the vast majority of the other Mackems they had failed. The Republic ov Shieldz had very strict citizenship laws. Each case was judged individually by a panel of experts based on a series of questions that held various points of either plus or minus value. For example the question ‘have you ever lived in Sunderland?’ if answered ‘yes’ would result in minus one hundred points. This meant that every Mackem needed to score 100% on the rest of the questions in order to gain citizenship; an almost impossible task. Other questions included ‘can you handle your drink?’ ‘Which football team do you support?’ ‘Are you now or have you ever been a member of the royal family, a member of parliament, a corporation CEO or a high ranking civil servant?’ (If answered yes they were immediately ejected from the country). And, of course, you needed to learn the accent to a high standard.
Now most Mackems were struggling to make ends meet. The property prices and cost of living had soared in Sunderland, artificially inflated by their close proximity to The Republic ov Shieldz, which made life for the people of that town very difficult. Wages for migrant workers in the republic were significantly higher than in the rest of the UK and now that citizens of Shieldz were wealthy only around 25% had continued working full or part time leaving a labour shortage that was quickly filled. The continuing under-employment in the rest of Britain forced people to move north where they could live close to the republic and commute into it every day for a good wage.
The bus dropped Tony and Tutty off at the Nook shops. They exited the bus quickly and dashed to the shops looking to get some work before their fellow migrants. People from Shieldz would often wait for the buses to arrive with a few cans of Stella and watch and laugh at the demise of their once fierce enemy. Tutty managed to get a week’s work at the Greggs bakery but Tony only got one day’s work at the Card Factory; he would have to go through the bus fight again tomorrow. He needed the money, it was as simple as that.
Brad and Angelina were walking down King Street with the kids; a typical Saturday. Brad was eating a Flake McFlurry while Angelina helped the kids with their Greggs sausage rolls which were making a mess of their faces and clothes. She spotted Maureen and Elaine walking towards them. Maureen was famous around the town. She was locally known by her street name Mozza Dot. Despite the town’s new riches and her age (she was almost seventy-five but she told people she was fifty-five) she still acted like she was broke and still wheeled and dealed in stolen and imported goods.
-Eeh hiya Maureen, hiya Elaine. How yous two dein, Angeline said still holding the sausage roll while the kids tried to fit their small mouths around the fat sausages. Hiya Angie, hiya Brad, the two said in unison.
Brad nodded hello; he was too involved in his ice-cream to get into a conversation and more importantly he was a little embarrassed that he’d failed his final oral Geordie examination.
-What yous two up to the day? Just oot for a walk with the bairns? Elaine asked.
-Aye pet we are, just been doon t the fair and then t McDonalds and now Brad’s ganna take the bairns yem and am ganna head up to Mecca and play a couple ah lines on the bingo, Angelina replied.
-Eeh, we’ve just came from their, Angie, didn’t win nowt like, got nae luck us two, Maureen said.
Maureen could see Brad was itching to get home, she reckoned he probably wanted to get back for the Newcastle match.
-Well al let yous get away, she said. Ah fancy a sausage roll me sel after watching the kids eat them.
Elaine and Maureen headed for Greggs. Thirty seconds later they could hear Angie’s voice from behind them.
-Mozza, Mozza, wait a sec pet. Listen have y got any of them cheap Benson & Hedges Gold in the hoose am runnin low, Angelina said.
-Aye ah have, Angie, how many are y wantin like? Mind daint be makin iz come lookin for y for the cash like last time. Ye had me waiten two weeks for me twenty five quid, Mozza replied.
-Ah nah ah nah Mozza am sorry aboot that like ah couldn’t take any cash oot the bank while Brad was aroond ye nah how he gets if he thinks am smoking. He’s away to California on Monda for an awards thingy, come roond then and ah’ll give ye the cash straight away. Ah’ll have a box ov two hundred of y, Angie explained.
-Nae bother, wor Elaine’ll be roond on Monda neet. Bye bye pet.
The friends went their separate ways.
-Here Nicky this toot is canny nice like, fucking buzzin oot me tits here man, ah hope Michelle doesn’t phone iz the neet ah daint think ah’ll be able to talk to ah man.
The coke party was well under way. Barack, Vlad, Jinping and Nicky were all a gram and half down and Vlad had already started building a bong and cooking up the crack. Nicky could tell it was going to be a good night.
-Nicky d y honestly think ah’ll be alreet back yem when a tel them aboot Tibet. Have y got me back Nicky?
The more Jinping sniffed the more paranoid and worried he was getting.
-Ye nah how radge these Chinese national cunts can get man, Jinping added.
Vlad and Barack nodded in agreement from behind their rolled up Dollar notes.
-Ah’ve telt ye man it’ll be fuckin fine, count on me, have ah eva let y doon before man, Nicky said. Anyway man, ye nah it’s the right thing to do, ye cannit just take a country and say it’s yours. Isn’t that right Vlad? Vlad nodded. Ye’ll feel better aboot it when all these Hollywood cunts are praisin ye and wearin daft t-shirts wi ya name on them. Isn’t that right Barack? Barack nodded.
Vlad finished rocking up the crack and they all hit the pipe until there was nothing left but the embers. The four world leaders sat back in silence for a few minutes and enjoyed the quietness and intensity of the hit. It had been a very difficult G4 summit this year and Nicky was really pleased it was all over and he could finally get back to doing what he does best. Partying. A few minutes later Vlad pulled Nicky to one side.
-Here Nicky ah’ve got nowt left mate. I just rocked up me last. Sort iz oot mate, daint let iz doon am dyin on a hit man.
-Daint ye worry ya pretty little head mate have ah eva let y doon in the past? Who was there for y when you went mental that night on the Meth and sent troops into Crimea? Eh, who was it? As soon as y phoned iz ah sorted it oot. Ah called Barack, the German bitch Merkel and Cameron and ah says to them daint be thinking y’ll be sending in the troops coz Vlad’s me mate and eez had a bad neet. If y think ya sending in the Apaches y’ll have Nicky and Shieldz t deal with. That’s what ah said to them Vlad ya nah, propa stuck me neck oot for you y cunt.
Nicky was on a coke rant but Vlad knew he was right, Nicky wasn’t going to let this party end anytime soon.
After a hard day’s work Tony and Tutty took the E6 back to Sunderland. Tony had a couple of hundred pounds in his pocket but Tutty would have to wait until the end of his week’s work to get paid. Tony Loaned Tutty fourty pounds until he got paid but told Tutty that he needed to pay him sixty pounds back. Tony was a typical Mackem but Tutty was more of a kind-hearted soul and only just missed out on a Shieldz citizenship. He often chastised himself for admitting he was a Sunderland supporter in the interview. When the bus arrived at Park Lane Interchange Tony headed for the nearest Wetherspoons to drink his day’s wages and attempt to get a girl back to his place with a combination of free drinks and inappropriate groping of said girl. Tutty walked back to his family home.
Tutty lived with his two brothers, mother and father. They lived in a four bedroom house but as a result of the high cost of living and rent they were forced to rent three of the four bedrooms to Chinese students who were studying at the university. Tutty and his brothers shared one room while their parents slept on a sofa bed in the living room and all the residents of the house shared a communal bathroom and kitchen.
Upon arriving at home he gave the forty pounds to his mother to help with the bills. A quiet, thanks, was all she could muster from the depths of her depression. One benefit of having the Chinese students in the house was their cooking. They loved to cook and they loved to eat. Tutty went into the kitchen and heated up the plate of chickens’ feet and blood cake they had left for him. He ate the food and went to bed early. He wanted to feel fresh for another day in Greggs in The Republic ov Shieldz.
Swearwords: Too many to count.
Description: Just another day in the oil-rich state of South Shields.
_____________________________________________________________________
It had been a long last day at the G4 summit, Barack, Jinping, Vlad and Nicky were glad to be back at Nicky’s flat on Dean Road for the after party. They all agreed that Temple Park Leisure Centre had been an excellent venue for the Republic’s first summit and Vlad said that the 70’s sports centre had a real sense of history about it and noted that it could have easily been used for this year’s Winter Olympics due to the frozen puddles all over the fields.
-Oh aye Vlad, plenty ov history mate. You should’ve been there for the 2002 Temple Park 7-a-side cup final; The Ashley Pub FC Vs Stagecoach FC. Fuck me Vlad it was a five four classic. Ye would’ve loved it Barack and you’re not even a big footy fan, fucking excitin times pal a tel ye.
Nicky loved to brag about his country and its sporting achievements.
-The fight after the match was pretty good n all, he added.
Jingping was listening but Nicky could tell he was on edge. It’d been a tough three days of negotiations and the stress had taken it out of the Chinese leader. The Shieldz representatives had spent three days demanding that he pull his troops out of Tibet, threatening to pull the deal they had signed the previous year giving China unlimited access to heavily discounted oil.
-Ye areet Jinping ya lookin a bit edgy there mate, what’s the craic, Nicky said.
-Am alreet Nicky ye nah me, just canny worried aboot this Tibet shit, daint nah how am ganna get this past the communist cunts back yem, them cunts would love a reason to push iz oot of the top job man. Y nah what ah mean.
-Daint worry aboot it mate, I’ll send JC back wi ye, he’ll have the fuckers convinced it’s the right thing to dee and if they’re still givin y shit he’ll sort them reet oot. If y nah what ah mean.
-Cheers Nicky yer a good lad mate, and a true friend, Jingping said.
Nicky’s phone rang, he left the room and spoke to the caller for a few minutes in the kitchen. When he returned Barack looked excited.
-Was that Neil? Am fuckin dyin on a line here Nicky mate, thought you’d have it sorted by now.
- Calm it, Obama, have a eva let you doon in the past? Who was there for y when that Trump cunt was demandin your American birth certificate?
- Ye were, Nicky.
- That’s right, mate, ah telt ye the boy’s down the Woodbine were the boyos when it comes to forged documents eh. Nae cunt across the pond has a scoobie doo that they weren’t real eh. If those Republican lads fund oot ye were actually born in Kenya they would’ve hung ye oot t dry mate, ye wanna thank ya lucky stars Ritchie wasn’t busy on another job. That reminds iz ya still due iz fifty grand for that, Ritchie has been on the phone aboot it, daint make um come lookin for y. You’ll be a sorry cunt if he does. If you think it was hard gettin that Sarah Palin of ya back you’ll have to pull this radge off with a crowbar, none of those Navy Seal pricks will be any good te ye then I can promise y that.
-Soz, Nicky, al make sure ah drop it off before ah head back to the States.
Vlad, or Big Vlad the Inhaler as he was known in Shieldz, due in part to his large coke habit, had been quiet so far, he stared at Barack intensely as he spoke, Nicky was worried, knowing Vlad was the type of lad to lose his temper, especially with an American and especially one who didn’t pay his drug debts. Vlad hadn’t been the same since the Ukraine crisis. He was especially annoyed with Barack for freezing his Vegas bank account which was the one he used to pay his drugs debts with away from the watchful eyes of Mrs Putin. He’d had to come clean and ask her for the joint bank account card to pay Nicky for a weekend’s worth of crack and valis a few months back.
-Tel ye what Barack, Vlad said smiling. Ya Geordie is comin on lovely like.
-Cheers Vlad mate, when in Shieldz. Been practin back yem eh, I’ll be takin me exams soon, cannit wait t get that Shieldz passport, gonna take Michelle n the kids on a holiday t Jarra when ah can get in without payin for a visa, might even push the boat oot and have a weekend in Hebburn if ah can afford it like.
It had only taken South Shields Council six months to gain freedom from the United Kingdom once the oil was discovered. It took a little side deal with the Americans of course; South Shields was now the largest producer of oil in the world, overtaking the Russians and producing fifteen million barrels per day. It was estimated that South Shields, or The Republic ov Shieldz (which included the satellite towns of Cleadon Village, Jarrow and Hebburn )as it was now known, had eighty billion barrels in reserve which according to United States statistics accounted for fourteen percent of the world’s oil.
The oil had been discovered by a local resident, known to locals as The Don. Actually that’s not quite true, it was his dog Rossi who struck oil whilst burying a petrified frog in the back garden of their newly bought home on Cleadon Hill Drive, neighbours said it was the biggest dog-made hole they had ever seen. The Don was annoyed because Rossi had trailed black shit all over the house, that was, until he realised what the black shit really was.
After taking advice from American oil experts The Don founded The Shieldz Oil Company and bought up all the land he could with his new oil riches, striking black gold everywhere he went and making himself the richest man on the planet as he did. Within six months The Don owned all of South Shields and had helped the newly formed Independent Shieldz Council with Nicky as its leader to secede from the United Kingdom. Barack and Vladimir had a word in David Cameron’s ear and convinced him that it was in his own best interests to let South Shields go. It was rumoured that after the Russians had threatened the lives of Cameron’s wife and children he declared that the British did not negotiate with the terrorists. So Putin took it one step further and kidnapped the person Cameron loved more than anyone else, George Gideon Oliver Osborne. Osbourne was returned to the safety of Cameron’s bosom and Shieldz was now a republic free from the tyranny of Conservatives, landed gentry, politicians, police and the corporate aristocracy.
Being the richest man and biggest landowner the new republic looked to The Don for leadership in its infancy. He quickly established a temporary working government, set a date for democratic elections and injected two hundred billion into The Purse of The People, as the bank was now called. The Don was nothing if not generous and he wanted the public infrastructure to reflect that. As a town of little over 100,000 people who no longer needed to pay their rent, mortgages, council tax, income tax, national insurance, parking fees or television licence the residents were now quite comfortable with their 2 million each in the bank. Of course there were still the water rates, the gas and the Sky television bills to pay but they were more than affordable. The Don had ensured that no one person could withdraw over one thousand pounds in one day without special bank authorisation to prevent anyone taking the piss with the social fund. The economy of the town was based on The Don’s initial injection but he hadn’t just left it at that. He had also created an oil fund that guaranteed a percentage of the profits would be reinvested in the town or saved for future generations. He had also transformed the town into a tax haven for the non-corporate rich from around the world. The beautiful coastline and the Tyne River had provided the ideal place to moor their yachts in the summer time.
Tony and Tutty jostled for position at the bus stop, they needed to be in the first 28 people to get aboard the E6 bus from Park Lane bus station in Sunderland to The Nook shopping street in The Republic ov Shieldz. They used the points of their elbows and their wide shoulders to hold back the desperate souls behind them; they’d been doing this for five years, ever since oil was discovered underneath The Don’s garden on Cleadon Hill Drive, and they were good at it, they got on the bus at least six days out of seven.
As with the majority of other peoples in the surrounding areas they had attempted to get citizenship of the new republic but like the vast majority of the other Mackems they had failed. The Republic ov Shieldz had very strict citizenship laws. Each case was judged individually by a panel of experts based on a series of questions that held various points of either plus or minus value. For example the question ‘have you ever lived in Sunderland?’ if answered ‘yes’ would result in minus one hundred points. This meant that every Mackem needed to score 100% on the rest of the questions in order to gain citizenship; an almost impossible task. Other questions included ‘can you handle your drink?’ ‘Which football team do you support?’ ‘Are you now or have you ever been a member of the royal family, a member of parliament, a corporation CEO or a high ranking civil servant?’ (If answered yes they were immediately ejected from the country). And, of course, you needed to learn the accent to a high standard.
Now most Mackems were struggling to make ends meet. The property prices and cost of living had soared in Sunderland, artificially inflated by their close proximity to The Republic ov Shieldz, which made life for the people of that town very difficult. Wages for migrant workers in the republic were significantly higher than in the rest of the UK and now that citizens of Shieldz were wealthy only around 25% had continued working full or part time leaving a labour shortage that was quickly filled. The continuing under-employment in the rest of Britain forced people to move north where they could live close to the republic and commute into it every day for a good wage.
The bus dropped Tony and Tutty off at the Nook shops. They exited the bus quickly and dashed to the shops looking to get some work before their fellow migrants. People from Shieldz would often wait for the buses to arrive with a few cans of Stella and watch and laugh at the demise of their once fierce enemy. Tutty managed to get a week’s work at the Greggs bakery but Tony only got one day’s work at the Card Factory; he would have to go through the bus fight again tomorrow. He needed the money, it was as simple as that.
Brad and Angelina were walking down King Street with the kids; a typical Saturday. Brad was eating a Flake McFlurry while Angelina helped the kids with their Greggs sausage rolls which were making a mess of their faces and clothes. She spotted Maureen and Elaine walking towards them. Maureen was famous around the town. She was locally known by her street name Mozza Dot. Despite the town’s new riches and her age (she was almost seventy-five but she told people she was fifty-five) she still acted like she was broke and still wheeled and dealed in stolen and imported goods.
-Eeh hiya Maureen, hiya Elaine. How yous two dein, Angeline said still holding the sausage roll while the kids tried to fit their small mouths around the fat sausages. Hiya Angie, hiya Brad, the two said in unison.
Brad nodded hello; he was too involved in his ice-cream to get into a conversation and more importantly he was a little embarrassed that he’d failed his final oral Geordie examination.
-What yous two up to the day? Just oot for a walk with the bairns? Elaine asked.
-Aye pet we are, just been doon t the fair and then t McDonalds and now Brad’s ganna take the bairns yem and am ganna head up to Mecca and play a couple ah lines on the bingo, Angelina replied.
-Eeh, we’ve just came from their, Angie, didn’t win nowt like, got nae luck us two, Maureen said.
Maureen could see Brad was itching to get home, she reckoned he probably wanted to get back for the Newcastle match.
-Well al let yous get away, she said. Ah fancy a sausage roll me sel after watching the kids eat them.
Elaine and Maureen headed for Greggs. Thirty seconds later they could hear Angie’s voice from behind them.
-Mozza, Mozza, wait a sec pet. Listen have y got any of them cheap Benson & Hedges Gold in the hoose am runnin low, Angelina said.
-Aye ah have, Angie, how many are y wantin like? Mind daint be makin iz come lookin for y for the cash like last time. Ye had me waiten two weeks for me twenty five quid, Mozza replied.
-Ah nah ah nah Mozza am sorry aboot that like ah couldn’t take any cash oot the bank while Brad was aroond ye nah how he gets if he thinks am smoking. He’s away to California on Monda for an awards thingy, come roond then and ah’ll give ye the cash straight away. Ah’ll have a box ov two hundred of y, Angie explained.
-Nae bother, wor Elaine’ll be roond on Monda neet. Bye bye pet.
The friends went their separate ways.
-Here Nicky this toot is canny nice like, fucking buzzin oot me tits here man, ah hope Michelle doesn’t phone iz the neet ah daint think ah’ll be able to talk to ah man.
The coke party was well under way. Barack, Vlad, Jinping and Nicky were all a gram and half down and Vlad had already started building a bong and cooking up the crack. Nicky could tell it was going to be a good night.
-Nicky d y honestly think ah’ll be alreet back yem when a tel them aboot Tibet. Have y got me back Nicky?
The more Jinping sniffed the more paranoid and worried he was getting.
-Ye nah how radge these Chinese national cunts can get man, Jinping added.
Vlad and Barack nodded in agreement from behind their rolled up Dollar notes.
-Ah’ve telt ye man it’ll be fuckin fine, count on me, have ah eva let y doon before man, Nicky said. Anyway man, ye nah it’s the right thing to do, ye cannit just take a country and say it’s yours. Isn’t that right Vlad? Vlad nodded. Ye’ll feel better aboot it when all these Hollywood cunts are praisin ye and wearin daft t-shirts wi ya name on them. Isn’t that right Barack? Barack nodded.
Vlad finished rocking up the crack and they all hit the pipe until there was nothing left but the embers. The four world leaders sat back in silence for a few minutes and enjoyed the quietness and intensity of the hit. It had been a very difficult G4 summit this year and Nicky was really pleased it was all over and he could finally get back to doing what he does best. Partying. A few minutes later Vlad pulled Nicky to one side.
-Here Nicky ah’ve got nowt left mate. I just rocked up me last. Sort iz oot mate, daint let iz doon am dyin on a hit man.
-Daint ye worry ya pretty little head mate have ah eva let y doon in the past? Who was there for y when you went mental that night on the Meth and sent troops into Crimea? Eh, who was it? As soon as y phoned iz ah sorted it oot. Ah called Barack, the German bitch Merkel and Cameron and ah says to them daint be thinking y’ll be sending in the troops coz Vlad’s me mate and eez had a bad neet. If y think ya sending in the Apaches y’ll have Nicky and Shieldz t deal with. That’s what ah said to them Vlad ya nah, propa stuck me neck oot for you y cunt.
Nicky was on a coke rant but Vlad knew he was right, Nicky wasn’t going to let this party end anytime soon.
After a hard day’s work Tony and Tutty took the E6 back to Sunderland. Tony had a couple of hundred pounds in his pocket but Tutty would have to wait until the end of his week’s work to get paid. Tony Loaned Tutty fourty pounds until he got paid but told Tutty that he needed to pay him sixty pounds back. Tony was a typical Mackem but Tutty was more of a kind-hearted soul and only just missed out on a Shieldz citizenship. He often chastised himself for admitting he was a Sunderland supporter in the interview. When the bus arrived at Park Lane Interchange Tony headed for the nearest Wetherspoons to drink his day’s wages and attempt to get a girl back to his place with a combination of free drinks and inappropriate groping of said girl. Tutty walked back to his family home.
Tutty lived with his two brothers, mother and father. They lived in a four bedroom house but as a result of the high cost of living and rent they were forced to rent three of the four bedrooms to Chinese students who were studying at the university. Tutty and his brothers shared one room while their parents slept on a sofa bed in the living room and all the residents of the house shared a communal bathroom and kitchen.
Upon arriving at home he gave the forty pounds to his mother to help with the bills. A quiet, thanks, was all she could muster from the depths of her depression. One benefit of having the Chinese students in the house was their cooking. They loved to cook and they loved to eat. Tutty went into the kitchen and heated up the plate of chickens’ feet and blood cake they had left for him. He ate the food and went to bed early. He wanted to feel fresh for another day in Greggs in The Republic ov Shieldz.
About the Author
Lee Carrick is in his twenties. Originally from South Shields, he now lives in Edinburgh. His biggest passions in life are writing and travelling, and he likes to combine the two. He has been writing poetry since he was 15, but only recently began to write fiction. He was inspired to write by Ian Banks' The Wasp Factory and Neil Gaiman's Smoke and Mirrors. The Care Home, his first novella, is a McStorytellers publication.
Lee’s full profile can be read on McVoices.
Lee’s full profile can be read on McVoices.
