The Holy Ghoulie
by Jack O'Donnell
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Some strong ones.
Description: When you're a kid, anything can happen and usually does...
_____________________________________________________________________
Place: Glasgow
Time: Summer, 1973
PHIL - age 10
SUMMY - age 12, lives next door to Phil
RAB - age 12, lives up the street
WENDY - age 13, Rab’s sister
BILL - age 15, lives somewhere else
Scene 1
PHIL whistles. No reply. He runs to catch up with SUMMY.
PHIL: Your back’s scorched. Is it sore?
SUMMY: Nah!
PHIL: (reaches across to SUMMY.)
SUMMY: Aooooowh. A didnae mean you could touch it!
PHIL: (smiling) Sorry.
PHIL: (reaching across, without actually touching) Sizzle. (laugh) Sizzle.
(SUMMY standing up and stretching. He walks a few steps away from PHIL.)
PHIL: Where you been?
SUMMY: Naewhere. Shops for an icepole…and for my maw.
PHIL: What for?
SUMMY: Milk. It’s no fair. It’s always me that’s got to go. She never asks my sisters. You got any dough?
PHIL: Am pratted. (turns out the linen in his pockets to show he has nothing)
SUMMY: You’re always pratted.
PHIL: Bags a bit of your ice pole. (reaches across and mimes touching his back)
PHIL: Did you hear about Bill?
SUMMY: Nah.
PHIL: He’s meant to have camped out last night in the graveyard and tried to raise dead people.
SUMMY: Aye, that’s a lot of rubbish. There’s no way his maw would ever let him out. Have you seen his maw? There’s no way.
PHIL: An’ Bill says if you say the Lord’s Prayer backwards, light a candle and look in a mirror, the devil will appear.
SUMMY: I’ve only got 2p change. For myself. I can only get one more ice pole.
PHIL: I’m no’ that bothered. It’s up to you. I like the red ones. Cola ice poles are ok, but I like the red ones, if you want to let me try a wee bit? -What do you think the devil looks like?
SUMMY: Dunno!
PHIL: If you see him it’s meant to drive you mad. There’s meant to be a guy that seen the devil in a mirror and he ended up in Gartnavel. He was screaming and screaming and they just came and took him away.
SUMMY: Aye. I heard that. It’s just like that film. The one where that girl’s head turned completely around on her neck. And the priest said something to her. And she spewed green bile all over him. And poked herself in the fanny with a crucifix.
PHIL: I heard that as well. I wish I could see it. But there’s meant to be big queues right around the block and as quick as they get in, they run out again, screaming. Some of them spew up. And mind that case, where somebody got possessed? I cannae mind it either. But somebody did.
SUMMY: Aye, that would be a great film. The only thing I’ve ever seen is Dracula.
PHIL: Dracula’s good. But I’m no meant to watch it. I can only watch it when mum and dad go out to the pub, and my big sister Jo is watching us. (pause) She doesnae let us watch it either. (pause)You know what I would dae. I’d just wear jim-jams with big crosses on them instead of elephants and whorls of colour and stuff. And you could wear a big collar with giant crosses on it. Then, even if a vampire hypnotised you, he wouldn’t be able to bite you.
SUMMY: Aye, what about your sisters?
PHIL: Don’t know? I suppose I could give them a shot of my collar. But that wouldnae be fair.
SUMMY: How no’?
PHIL: Because it was my idea!
SUMMY: Your sisters wouldn’t need to worry anyway. (laughing and running ahead) Dracula only likes women with big gazongas (he flutters his fingers and mimics feeling big breasts. Runs ahead and shouts behind him). Your sister Jo. She’d need to get bit by Clarence the Cross-Eyed vampire. (Runs behind and catches up with him, slapping him hard on the back)
SUMMY: Aoooowh!
PHIL: And your sisters (pause) your sisters could (pause)Well (stops walking) they’d (pause) make good vampires. In fact, see if you think about it, it wouldn’t be that bad being a vampire. A mean, obviously, it’d be scary at first, sleeping in a coffin and a’ that. But when you got used to it, it wouldnae be all that bad. And you could look out for people yeh didnae like, somebody like Mrs Rodgers, ma teacher. She’s got big, freckly gazonkas. But the bad thing is she’s always wears a dangly gold cross between them. She probably wears it to bed. And she’s that holy that she probably already wears jim-jams with crosses on them - in case she has an accident, then she’ll go straight to heaven. She’d probably hypnotize me! And she’d ask me stuff about if I’d been to mass and Holy Communion. And, if I bit her by mistake, she’d have me sitting on a tombstone doing long division for all eternity, or until I got it right!
SUMMY: We could go up the park.
PHIL: To do what?
SUMMY: Dunno. Play on the swings. Try and hit the ducks with mouldy bread wrappings and see if they’re daft enough to try and eat it. Dunno.
PHIL: Nah, I’m goin’ in to watch Scooby Doo.
SUMMY: That’s a kid’s programme! You’re no’ goin’ to leave me, here (pause) outside (pause) myself?
PHIL: Nah, I’m just goin’ in.
SUMMY: Can I no’ come in. And watch it with you?
PHIL: Cannae. Ma da’ would go spare. What you goin’ to do?
SUMMY: I’m goin’ to go in and see if I can get back out again. My ma doesnae like you anyway. Says you’re mum and dad are stuck-up, even ‘though they’ve got nothing to be stuck-up about. And so are you. And your snooty sisters… I don’t think you are. But I’ll just need to say it was your idea for me to go out. And she’ll let me get out just to spite you. To show you and your stuck up family that we are no stuck up, my ma’ will let me out to play with anybody.
PHIL: We’re no’ stuck up. You’re stuck up. We’ve no’ got a big fancy car.
SUMMY: If I stay in I’ll probably watch Star Trek. But since there’s nothing on, I might watch Scooby Doo, as well. Aye. I’ll tell you, I’d shag that Thelma.
PHIL: Nah, I’d shag Velma.
SUMMY: You cannae shag Velma. She’s got specs.
PHIL: Sorry. I meant Velma. No I mean Thelma.
Scene 2
PHIL bouncing a ball puts his finger to his lips and gives two clear whistles. SUMMY opens his front door.
SUMMY: What you doing?
PHIL: Nothing. What you doing?
SUMMY. Nothing. (extended pause) Mum can I-
SUMMY’S MUM: (just hear her voice) No. You’re grounded.
SUMMY: But I promise-
SUMMY’S MUM: (just hear voice. Louder) No.
SUMMY: But mum. A promise, I’ll just go out for a wee bit-
SUMMY’S MUM: (hear voice. Louder) No.
SUMMY: Sorry Phil.
PHIL: (In louder than normal voice, for benefit of SUMMY’S MUM) It’s no’ you’re fault (pause, louder) I’ll see you (pause, louder) later… Summy.
(SUMMY slowly shuts door, just before it closes, jumps out, and pulls it silently behind him. Running feet and laughter. SUMMY and PHIL walk down to the local Catholic school.)
PHIL: Goal!
(PHIL wheels away. His arms are in the air in mock celebration. RAB walks on. PHIL quickly pulls his hands down.)
RAB: Geez a hit Phil.
(PHIL kicks the ball towards RAB. He takes a swipe and completely misses the ball.)
RAB: Bastard. I’ll play you at cuppy.
(RAB walks to one shed marked as a goal. PHIL stands at another. PHIL has the ball. They kick it back and forth. WENDY walks between the two of them and stands watching.)
WENDY: I’ll play the winner.
(RAB scores)
WENDY: Great goal Rab!
RAB: That’s you off wee man.
PHIL: We always play to two. Twosies.
RAB: (exaggerated sigh)It’s your shout.
(SUMMY walks between them, before they kick off, and stands beside WENDY.)
SUMMY: I’ll play the winner.
WENDY: You’re on after me.
(PHIL scores)
PHIL: Yessss. (holds his arms up, triumphant.)
(PHIL scores again.)
SUMMY: That’s you on-
PHIL: You’re on Wendy.
RAB: That wisnae in.
PHIL: Was! You’re off.
RAB: Wee man. It wisnae in.
PHIL: It was in. Summy. Wasn’it?
SUMMY: Dunno
(RAB kicks the ball quickly and scores.)
RAB: That’s you aff wee man.
(PHIL kicks the ball away hard. A sharp chapping noise is heard. WENDY gets the ball.)
WENDY: What was that?
PHIL: Dunno. A never heard anything.
SUMMY: Aye, it was like a chapping noise, as if somebody was watching us, peeking out from behind big-giant curtains.
RAB: I heard it as well.
PHIL: It wasnae anything.
(sharp chapping noise heard again.)
SUMMY: What was that?
(WENDY bounces the ball and laughs)
WENDY: I heard that as well.
PHIL: It’s my school. And it’s haunted. Especially during the summer holidays. And when it’s dark… I bags going Kenny Dalglish when I’m on next time. Who’re you going?
SUMMY: That’s me on. He’s rubbish. If he wasn’t playing for Celtic he wouldn’t be allowed to play football. All he does is flick his girly long hair about and fall on his fat arse shouting for penalties. He doesn’t know anything about real football. I’ll go John Greig.
WENDY: Who you goin’ Rab?
RAB: I’m goin’… I’m going up to Johnie Graham’s to get a single. I’m choking. I’ve only got a doubt left.
WENDY: I’m chokin’ as well.
(sharp chapping noise heard again. BILL walks around the corner.)
WENDY: Did you hear that! Twos.
BILL: (to RAB)Threes. I can smoke anything. (to WENDY) But I don’t want any of your slebbers.
WENDY: (grabs the fag and puffs)Cheers.
BILL: (to Wendy)That’s enough! Make sure you leave me a bit.
RAB: Wendy. Gee him a sook or (slight pause) he’ll turn you into a werewolf.
BILL: (grabs the fag and puffs the last of it furiously)Make a fool of me if you want, but the spirits are as real as you or me. One of them spoke to me. He was like, my kinda, guardian angel. And he said to me, like…
RAB: Have a bath? And change your kegs, now and again.
BILL: Funny-Funny. He said to me that I was going to, like, die young. But I’m not going to be, like, the only one.
WENDY: That’s a lot of shite.
BILL: It might be a lot of shite. But I can prove it.
WENDY: How can you prove it? (She holds her hands up and steps back as if in horror, wiggling her fingers in front of her face.)What are you going to do, put 2p in the phone box and phone them? (mimics having a phone receiver in her hand.)
BILL: Something like that. We could hold a séance in the old school (pause, everybody looks at him). Well, maybe, not a séance. But we could use a Ouija board.
RAB: I’ve heard of that. How do you dae it?
BILL: It’s easy. All you need is a table, and a glass. You mark out two words: YES and NO. And you mark the letters of the alphabet around the table and, like, let the spirit spell out the answers to your questions.
WENDY: You cannae spell.
BILL: I don’t need to. The spirit does it for me.
PHIL: (bounces his ball) I’m no daeing it. I’m an altar boy (pause) And it’s meant to be a mortal sin. I’m no daeing it.
RAB: You don’t believe in all that hocus-pocus, abaracadabra, rubbish do you?
SUMMY: I don’t know. Altar boys get paid good money for wedding and funerals. And you know how many of them there are.
BILL: No. Maybe it might be, kinda, better that way. The spirits ‘ill need to come and get him.
PHIL: I’m just no daeing it, and even if I was, I wouldnae dae it because the school is haunted and the ghost might follow you hame and find out where you stay.
(PHIL picks his ball up, puts it beneath his arm and walks away.)
Swearwords: Some strong ones.
Description: When you're a kid, anything can happen and usually does...
_____________________________________________________________________
Place: Glasgow
Time: Summer, 1973
PHIL - age 10
SUMMY - age 12, lives next door to Phil
RAB - age 12, lives up the street
WENDY - age 13, Rab’s sister
BILL - age 15, lives somewhere else
Scene 1
PHIL whistles. No reply. He runs to catch up with SUMMY.
PHIL: Your back’s scorched. Is it sore?
SUMMY: Nah!
PHIL: (reaches across to SUMMY.)
SUMMY: Aooooowh. A didnae mean you could touch it!
PHIL: (smiling) Sorry.
PHIL: (reaching across, without actually touching) Sizzle. (laugh) Sizzle.
(SUMMY standing up and stretching. He walks a few steps away from PHIL.)
PHIL: Where you been?
SUMMY: Naewhere. Shops for an icepole…and for my maw.
PHIL: What for?
SUMMY: Milk. It’s no fair. It’s always me that’s got to go. She never asks my sisters. You got any dough?
PHIL: Am pratted. (turns out the linen in his pockets to show he has nothing)
SUMMY: You’re always pratted.
PHIL: Bags a bit of your ice pole. (reaches across and mimes touching his back)
PHIL: Did you hear about Bill?
SUMMY: Nah.
PHIL: He’s meant to have camped out last night in the graveyard and tried to raise dead people.
SUMMY: Aye, that’s a lot of rubbish. There’s no way his maw would ever let him out. Have you seen his maw? There’s no way.
PHIL: An’ Bill says if you say the Lord’s Prayer backwards, light a candle and look in a mirror, the devil will appear.
SUMMY: I’ve only got 2p change. For myself. I can only get one more ice pole.
PHIL: I’m no’ that bothered. It’s up to you. I like the red ones. Cola ice poles are ok, but I like the red ones, if you want to let me try a wee bit? -What do you think the devil looks like?
SUMMY: Dunno!
PHIL: If you see him it’s meant to drive you mad. There’s meant to be a guy that seen the devil in a mirror and he ended up in Gartnavel. He was screaming and screaming and they just came and took him away.
SUMMY: Aye. I heard that. It’s just like that film. The one where that girl’s head turned completely around on her neck. And the priest said something to her. And she spewed green bile all over him. And poked herself in the fanny with a crucifix.
PHIL: I heard that as well. I wish I could see it. But there’s meant to be big queues right around the block and as quick as they get in, they run out again, screaming. Some of them spew up. And mind that case, where somebody got possessed? I cannae mind it either. But somebody did.
SUMMY: Aye, that would be a great film. The only thing I’ve ever seen is Dracula.
PHIL: Dracula’s good. But I’m no meant to watch it. I can only watch it when mum and dad go out to the pub, and my big sister Jo is watching us. (pause) She doesnae let us watch it either. (pause)You know what I would dae. I’d just wear jim-jams with big crosses on them instead of elephants and whorls of colour and stuff. And you could wear a big collar with giant crosses on it. Then, even if a vampire hypnotised you, he wouldn’t be able to bite you.
SUMMY: Aye, what about your sisters?
PHIL: Don’t know? I suppose I could give them a shot of my collar. But that wouldnae be fair.
SUMMY: How no’?
PHIL: Because it was my idea!
SUMMY: Your sisters wouldn’t need to worry anyway. (laughing and running ahead) Dracula only likes women with big gazongas (he flutters his fingers and mimics feeling big breasts. Runs ahead and shouts behind him). Your sister Jo. She’d need to get bit by Clarence the Cross-Eyed vampire. (Runs behind and catches up with him, slapping him hard on the back)
SUMMY: Aoooowh!
PHIL: And your sisters (pause) your sisters could (pause)Well (stops walking) they’d (pause) make good vampires. In fact, see if you think about it, it wouldn’t be that bad being a vampire. A mean, obviously, it’d be scary at first, sleeping in a coffin and a’ that. But when you got used to it, it wouldnae be all that bad. And you could look out for people yeh didnae like, somebody like Mrs Rodgers, ma teacher. She’s got big, freckly gazonkas. But the bad thing is she’s always wears a dangly gold cross between them. She probably wears it to bed. And she’s that holy that she probably already wears jim-jams with crosses on them - in case she has an accident, then she’ll go straight to heaven. She’d probably hypnotize me! And she’d ask me stuff about if I’d been to mass and Holy Communion. And, if I bit her by mistake, she’d have me sitting on a tombstone doing long division for all eternity, or until I got it right!
SUMMY: We could go up the park.
PHIL: To do what?
SUMMY: Dunno. Play on the swings. Try and hit the ducks with mouldy bread wrappings and see if they’re daft enough to try and eat it. Dunno.
PHIL: Nah, I’m goin’ in to watch Scooby Doo.
SUMMY: That’s a kid’s programme! You’re no’ goin’ to leave me, here (pause) outside (pause) myself?
PHIL: Nah, I’m just goin’ in.
SUMMY: Can I no’ come in. And watch it with you?
PHIL: Cannae. Ma da’ would go spare. What you goin’ to do?
SUMMY: I’m goin’ to go in and see if I can get back out again. My ma doesnae like you anyway. Says you’re mum and dad are stuck-up, even ‘though they’ve got nothing to be stuck-up about. And so are you. And your snooty sisters… I don’t think you are. But I’ll just need to say it was your idea for me to go out. And she’ll let me get out just to spite you. To show you and your stuck up family that we are no stuck up, my ma’ will let me out to play with anybody.
PHIL: We’re no’ stuck up. You’re stuck up. We’ve no’ got a big fancy car.
SUMMY: If I stay in I’ll probably watch Star Trek. But since there’s nothing on, I might watch Scooby Doo, as well. Aye. I’ll tell you, I’d shag that Thelma.
PHIL: Nah, I’d shag Velma.
SUMMY: You cannae shag Velma. She’s got specs.
PHIL: Sorry. I meant Velma. No I mean Thelma.
Scene 2
PHIL bouncing a ball puts his finger to his lips and gives two clear whistles. SUMMY opens his front door.
SUMMY: What you doing?
PHIL: Nothing. What you doing?
SUMMY. Nothing. (extended pause) Mum can I-
SUMMY’S MUM: (just hear her voice) No. You’re grounded.
SUMMY: But I promise-
SUMMY’S MUM: (just hear voice. Louder) No.
SUMMY: But mum. A promise, I’ll just go out for a wee bit-
SUMMY’S MUM: (hear voice. Louder) No.
SUMMY: Sorry Phil.
PHIL: (In louder than normal voice, for benefit of SUMMY’S MUM) It’s no’ you’re fault (pause, louder) I’ll see you (pause, louder) later… Summy.
(SUMMY slowly shuts door, just before it closes, jumps out, and pulls it silently behind him. Running feet and laughter. SUMMY and PHIL walk down to the local Catholic school.)
PHIL: Goal!
(PHIL wheels away. His arms are in the air in mock celebration. RAB walks on. PHIL quickly pulls his hands down.)
RAB: Geez a hit Phil.
(PHIL kicks the ball towards RAB. He takes a swipe and completely misses the ball.)
RAB: Bastard. I’ll play you at cuppy.
(RAB walks to one shed marked as a goal. PHIL stands at another. PHIL has the ball. They kick it back and forth. WENDY walks between the two of them and stands watching.)
WENDY: I’ll play the winner.
(RAB scores)
WENDY: Great goal Rab!
RAB: That’s you off wee man.
PHIL: We always play to two. Twosies.
RAB: (exaggerated sigh)It’s your shout.
(SUMMY walks between them, before they kick off, and stands beside WENDY.)
SUMMY: I’ll play the winner.
WENDY: You’re on after me.
(PHIL scores)
PHIL: Yessss. (holds his arms up, triumphant.)
(PHIL scores again.)
SUMMY: That’s you on-
PHIL: You’re on Wendy.
RAB: That wisnae in.
PHIL: Was! You’re off.
RAB: Wee man. It wisnae in.
PHIL: It was in. Summy. Wasn’it?
SUMMY: Dunno
(RAB kicks the ball quickly and scores.)
RAB: That’s you aff wee man.
(PHIL kicks the ball away hard. A sharp chapping noise is heard. WENDY gets the ball.)
WENDY: What was that?
PHIL: Dunno. A never heard anything.
SUMMY: Aye, it was like a chapping noise, as if somebody was watching us, peeking out from behind big-giant curtains.
RAB: I heard it as well.
PHIL: It wasnae anything.
(sharp chapping noise heard again.)
SUMMY: What was that?
(WENDY bounces the ball and laughs)
WENDY: I heard that as well.
PHIL: It’s my school. And it’s haunted. Especially during the summer holidays. And when it’s dark… I bags going Kenny Dalglish when I’m on next time. Who’re you going?
SUMMY: That’s me on. He’s rubbish. If he wasn’t playing for Celtic he wouldn’t be allowed to play football. All he does is flick his girly long hair about and fall on his fat arse shouting for penalties. He doesn’t know anything about real football. I’ll go John Greig.
WENDY: Who you goin’ Rab?
RAB: I’m goin’… I’m going up to Johnie Graham’s to get a single. I’m choking. I’ve only got a doubt left.
WENDY: I’m chokin’ as well.
(sharp chapping noise heard again. BILL walks around the corner.)
WENDY: Did you hear that! Twos.
BILL: (to RAB)Threes. I can smoke anything. (to WENDY) But I don’t want any of your slebbers.
WENDY: (grabs the fag and puffs)Cheers.
BILL: (to Wendy)That’s enough! Make sure you leave me a bit.
RAB: Wendy. Gee him a sook or (slight pause) he’ll turn you into a werewolf.
BILL: (grabs the fag and puffs the last of it furiously)Make a fool of me if you want, but the spirits are as real as you or me. One of them spoke to me. He was like, my kinda, guardian angel. And he said to me, like…
RAB: Have a bath? And change your kegs, now and again.
BILL: Funny-Funny. He said to me that I was going to, like, die young. But I’m not going to be, like, the only one.
WENDY: That’s a lot of shite.
BILL: It might be a lot of shite. But I can prove it.
WENDY: How can you prove it? (She holds her hands up and steps back as if in horror, wiggling her fingers in front of her face.)What are you going to do, put 2p in the phone box and phone them? (mimics having a phone receiver in her hand.)
BILL: Something like that. We could hold a séance in the old school (pause, everybody looks at him). Well, maybe, not a séance. But we could use a Ouija board.
RAB: I’ve heard of that. How do you dae it?
BILL: It’s easy. All you need is a table, and a glass. You mark out two words: YES and NO. And you mark the letters of the alphabet around the table and, like, let the spirit spell out the answers to your questions.
WENDY: You cannae spell.
BILL: I don’t need to. The spirit does it for me.
PHIL: (bounces his ball) I’m no daeing it. I’m an altar boy (pause) And it’s meant to be a mortal sin. I’m no daeing it.
RAB: You don’t believe in all that hocus-pocus, abaracadabra, rubbish do you?
SUMMY: I don’t know. Altar boys get paid good money for wedding and funerals. And you know how many of them there are.
BILL: No. Maybe it might be, kinda, better that way. The spirits ‘ill need to come and get him.
PHIL: I’m just no daeing it, and even if I was, I wouldnae dae it because the school is haunted and the ghost might follow you hame and find out where you stay.
(PHIL picks his ball up, puts it beneath his arm and walks away.)
About the Author
Jack O'Donnell was born in Helensburgh and now lives in Clydebank with his partner, Mary. He claims to be fat, balding and middle-aged.
Jack writes for fun and has a blog at http://www.abctales.com/blog/celticman, which he also claims no-one ever reads.
Jack writes for fun and has a blog at http://www.abctales.com/blog/celticman, which he also claims no-one ever reads.