Ri Anniversary Waltz
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Some strong ones.
Description: Coanvursation piece #1. A chance meetin’ an’ reminisce.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Fancy a shag doll?”
“Yu'r a smooth talkin' bas............oh my God...oh...my....fuckin'......God. Whair did you spring fey? Jeezo, yu'r ri last yin a thote a'd see in here so ye ur.”
“Aye, it's been a while right enough.”
“A while ye say. Twinty oad years could be cawed a guid while.”
“Ach, it wisnae aw guid, a kin assure ye a' rat.”
“Sa whit brings ye in here.”
“Live music. Sum'dy says rur wis a band oan.”
“ 'S'right enough rat. Ma pal plays wi' rum sa rat's whye a'm here.”
“Jeest in time. Here rey come. Kin a get ye a refill?”
“Jeest a can a' scoosh. A'm drivin'.”
“Whit kinna scoosh? Rur's hunners e' rum noo.”
“Low fat Irn Bru.”
“Low fat? D'ye no' mean diet Irn Bru?”
“Same 'hing innit?”
“Nae borr, low fat it is.”
* * *
“Yur pal's an awfy guid singer so she is.”
“Rat's no ma pal. Wull, actually she is a s'pose. Whit a mean tae say is, ri wan a meant wis him wi' ri mandolin.”
“Ye mean ri big camp fulla wi' ri jewellery?”
“ 'At's him, spoat 'um a mile awa'. Been best pals fur years. 'E's a male nurse an 'e helped me through ma recuperation.”
“Yur oaperation did ye say?”
“.....Aye....aye ma oaperation.”
“Yu'll mibbes huv an interestin' scar ur two ren?”
“Maistly emotional scars.”
“Ach, we kin aw lay claim tae a few a' rem hen. Wid ye no' agree?”
“Aye, fur sure.”
“Personally, a prefer physical scars tae emotional wans.”
“Whit makes ye say rat at aw?”
“Mair tangible, ye ken? An' a helluva loat easier tae talk aboot rin yur emotional scars bey a long wye.”
“A s'pose yur right aboot rat right enough. A nivir thote aboot it lit rat afore.”
“No' a bad band at aw. Whit dae rey caw rursels?”
“Ri HaufWits.”
“Folk 'n' Blues? Ri HaufWits? A don't gerrit bit rurr makin' a dacint noise.”
“ 'Ur's nae need tae yais rat kinna language.”
“Eh?”
“Fuckin' Blues ye says. Dae ye no' like ri Blues ren?”
“Did ye no' waash yur ears afore ye came oot? A says FOLK 'n' Blues.....FOLK.”
“Sorry. Music's a bit loud bit a wis only kiddin' aboot ri language. Ye kin swear aw ye waant is faur is a'm concern't.”
“ 'Hank fuck fur rat. 'Nurr low fat scoosh izzit?”
“Please....an' could a huv a gless 'n' sum ice ris tum....an' mibbes a straw?”
“Ony particular colour?”
“Eh?”
* * *
“Ah must say hen, yuv gote awfy demandin' sin' a last kent ye.”
“Howzat?”
“A mind wi share't a boatul a' wine rone tum wi taen a stroll doon ri shore. Aye, oot ri neck e' ri boatul tae. Didnae borr ye ataw ren.”
“Disnae borr me noo eethur bit ye git yaised tae drinkin' oot e' a gless, dain't ye? Unless.....mibbes no' whuriver you've been.”
“Ur wi huvin' a wee dance?”
“Don't see whye no'.”
“My, yuv filt oot a wee bit in they twinty five year.”
“Same is you ren ya cheeky get ye.”
“Here a'm no' complainin' doll. Luks guid oan ye. Feels guid tae.”
“Did ye jeest say twinty five year ren?”
“Aye, a jeest work't it oot.”
“Cannae be rat long shairly tae Goad?”
“ 'Sright enough hen. Twinty five year tae ri day.”
“How kin ye bey sa shair?”
“Kin ye mind wi goat wur statements taped et ri polis station an' ri polis hud tae say ri date an' ri time ower an ower again?”
“Yur right.....Jeezo yur right. How coulda huv furgoat rat?
“Rat wis some sixteen 'oors wis it no'?
“Fifteen fur me. Rey let me oot an 'oor afore you. A nivir did fun oot whye.”
“ 'Speshly whin it wis aw your faut.”
“Ma faut...ma faut? You're ri wan rit dragged me roon ri back e' ri Pavilion a seem tae remember.”
“Aye, bit a only waantit tae drag ye mibbes a thurd e' ri wye roon. It wis you thit says wi should go further so naeb'dy could drap oan is. An' rat's whin wi fun ri deid tramp.”
“ 'E wisnae a tramp.”
“Ri polis says 'e wis a tramp.”
“Naw, it wis in ri paper ri nixt week 'e wis workin' et Huntersin bit 'e hid ri habit a' takin' cider 'n' wine doon tae share wi' ri alkies.”
“A kent a gadgie lit rat wanc't. Wan a' rem 'Rerr but fur ri grace a Goad' gadgies.”
“Wull it turn't oot rat's whit ris fulla done tae.”
“Like a says. It wid nivir a' happint if ye'd jeest a' let me hump ye whair a says.”
“Bit wi hud tae tell ri polis didn't wi?”
“Nae argumint rerr doll. Bit a wisnae too happy wi' ri treatment wi goat.”
“A mind bein' in rat interview room in rey wis talkin' aboot ur's been a murder oan rur radios.”
“Aye, rat wis jeest ri stert e' it tae.”
“Aye, shin is rey fun ri boady rey went tae toon oan is.”
“Rey hud me kinvinced a'd done it masel'.”
“Bastarts searched mey an' flung mey in a cell. Rey hud tae git a polis wummin' oot e' 'ur scratcher tae come an' dae it.”
“Rat's how come a wis shair a wis gonnae get ma hole rat night.”
“A meant tae puull ye up aboot rat comment earlier rerr. How comes ye wis sa cock-shair e' yursel?”
“A heard ri polis wummin' tellin' anurr polis ye hud yur knickers in yur haunbag.”
“Ha-ha. Rat's true enough rat, ha-ha-ha”
“An' a ken whye rey kep me in furrat extra 'oor tae.”
“How?”
“Rey fun a hauf unce a' hame grown oan mey whin rey rumaged through ma drawers.”
“Could ye no' git rid e' it?”
“A wis lit a cucumber whin wi telt ri polis aboot ri boady, cool is ye like. Nae wye could a see is bein' rur nummer wan suspects. Whin rat radio caw came back tae say rey'd fun ri boady wi wurnae left oan wursels eftur rat, mind?”
“Sa did rey charge ye wi' possession ren?”
“Naw. A worked ri heid whin ri DS turn't up.”
“DS?”
“Drug squad.”
“Whit did ye dae?”
“A telt rum it wis yours.”
“Naw ye didnae. C'moan, tell is.”
“A geid it aw ri traumatic pare sowel a hud in me an' rey lerrit go. Bastarts kep ma grass but.”
“Sa whair did ye disappear tae?”
“Ah, a pal a' mine phoned me up fae doon Englin' wye an' telt me rur wis a joab gaun oan a buildin' site near 'es sister's hoose, sae a shot ri craw afore ri DS chinged rur minds.”
“Ye shote ri craw fur twinty five years?”
“A've been back a time ur two bit jeest quick veesits.”
“Here, ah'll get ris yin in. Pint a' heavy is it?”
“Aye, braw. A like a burd rit brings 'ur purse oot wi' 'ur.”
* * *
“Rat deid fulla's name wis in ri paper ri nixt week.”
“Whit wis it?”
“A furget. A don't furget a loat aboot rat night birra furget e's name.”
“Wull kin fun it oot nixt week so wi kin.”
“How?”
“Ye ken how ri local paper dis aw rat hunner, seevinty five, fifty an' twinty five year ago page?”
“Aye.”
“Wull a'm shair nuhin' else much happen't rat week so ru'll mention it fur shair.”
“Yur mibbes right aye.”
“Rat wee burd's a great singer so she is.”
“ 'Sma daughter rat. An' aye, she's goat a vice an' a hauf so she hus.”
“A thote rur wis a resemblance. Ha mony weans 'uv ye goat?”
“Jeest hur an' a boye.”
“An' whair's he? Dis he sing tae?”
“Ceemetry. 'E goat in wi' ri wrang crowd, shower a' junkies. Widnae be telt so 'e widnae.”
“Sorry tae hear rat doll. Here, erza tissue. Husnae bin yaised much.”
“Kin wi dance again?”
“Nae borr.”
* * *
“Feelin' a wee bit better doll?”
“Aye thanks. Bit a've made a mess e' yur shurt wi' ma greetin'.”
“Don't you go worryin' aboot rat hen. 'Slang is yur awright.....he-he-he.”
“Whit's sa funny?”
“Jeest 'hinkin'.”
“Whit?”
“We could caw ris ri anniversary waltz.”
“Aye. A s'pose wi could ha-ha.”
“Rat's better hen. A'd raithur see ye laugh thin greet.”
“Kin wi' go ur dae ye waant tae stye tae ri en'?”
“Aye nae borr. Jeest let me feenish ris pint.”
“Thanks.”
“Gettin' back tae ma earlier question doll.”
“Whit wis rat?”
“D'ye fancy a shag?”
“Ha-ha. Aye. Bit no' roon ri back e' ri Pavilion eh.”
“Naw. A've goat a B & B, bit jeest wan 'hing if ye wull?”
“Whit's rat?”
“Mibbes better keep yur knickers oan tae wi get rerr eh?”
“Knickers?..........whit knickers?”
“Ha-ha-ha....... Braw.”
Swearwords: Some strong ones.
Description: Coanvursation piece #1. A chance meetin’ an’ reminisce.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Fancy a shag doll?”
“Yu'r a smooth talkin' bas............oh my God...oh...my....fuckin'......God. Whair did you spring fey? Jeezo, yu'r ri last yin a thote a'd see in here so ye ur.”
“Aye, it's been a while right enough.”
“A while ye say. Twinty oad years could be cawed a guid while.”
“Ach, it wisnae aw guid, a kin assure ye a' rat.”
“Sa whit brings ye in here.”
“Live music. Sum'dy says rur wis a band oan.”
“ 'S'right enough rat. Ma pal plays wi' rum sa rat's whye a'm here.”
“Jeest in time. Here rey come. Kin a get ye a refill?”
“Jeest a can a' scoosh. A'm drivin'.”
“Whit kinna scoosh? Rur's hunners e' rum noo.”
“Low fat Irn Bru.”
“Low fat? D'ye no' mean diet Irn Bru?”
“Same 'hing innit?”
“Nae borr, low fat it is.”
* * *
“Yur pal's an awfy guid singer so she is.”
“Rat's no ma pal. Wull, actually she is a s'pose. Whit a mean tae say is, ri wan a meant wis him wi' ri mandolin.”
“Ye mean ri big camp fulla wi' ri jewellery?”
“ 'At's him, spoat 'um a mile awa'. Been best pals fur years. 'E's a male nurse an 'e helped me through ma recuperation.”
“Yur oaperation did ye say?”
“.....Aye....aye ma oaperation.”
“Yu'll mibbes huv an interestin' scar ur two ren?”
“Maistly emotional scars.”
“Ach, we kin aw lay claim tae a few a' rem hen. Wid ye no' agree?”
“Aye, fur sure.”
“Personally, a prefer physical scars tae emotional wans.”
“Whit makes ye say rat at aw?”
“Mair tangible, ye ken? An' a helluva loat easier tae talk aboot rin yur emotional scars bey a long wye.”
“A s'pose yur right aboot rat right enough. A nivir thote aboot it lit rat afore.”
“No' a bad band at aw. Whit dae rey caw rursels?”
“Ri HaufWits.”
“Folk 'n' Blues? Ri HaufWits? A don't gerrit bit rurr makin' a dacint noise.”
“ 'Ur's nae need tae yais rat kinna language.”
“Eh?”
“Fuckin' Blues ye says. Dae ye no' like ri Blues ren?”
“Did ye no' waash yur ears afore ye came oot? A says FOLK 'n' Blues.....FOLK.”
“Sorry. Music's a bit loud bit a wis only kiddin' aboot ri language. Ye kin swear aw ye waant is faur is a'm concern't.”
“ 'Hank fuck fur rat. 'Nurr low fat scoosh izzit?”
“Please....an' could a huv a gless 'n' sum ice ris tum....an' mibbes a straw?”
“Ony particular colour?”
“Eh?”
* * *
“Ah must say hen, yuv gote awfy demandin' sin' a last kent ye.”
“Howzat?”
“A mind wi share't a boatul a' wine rone tum wi taen a stroll doon ri shore. Aye, oot ri neck e' ri boatul tae. Didnae borr ye ataw ren.”
“Disnae borr me noo eethur bit ye git yaised tae drinkin' oot e' a gless, dain't ye? Unless.....mibbes no' whuriver you've been.”
“Ur wi huvin' a wee dance?”
“Don't see whye no'.”
“My, yuv filt oot a wee bit in they twinty five year.”
“Same is you ren ya cheeky get ye.”
“Here a'm no' complainin' doll. Luks guid oan ye. Feels guid tae.”
“Did ye jeest say twinty five year ren?”
“Aye, a jeest work't it oot.”
“Cannae be rat long shairly tae Goad?”
“ 'Sright enough hen. Twinty five year tae ri day.”
“How kin ye bey sa shair?”
“Kin ye mind wi goat wur statements taped et ri polis station an' ri polis hud tae say ri date an' ri time ower an ower again?”
“Yur right.....Jeezo yur right. How coulda huv furgoat rat?
“Rat wis some sixteen 'oors wis it no'?
“Fifteen fur me. Rey let me oot an 'oor afore you. A nivir did fun oot whye.”
“ 'Speshly whin it wis aw your faut.”
“Ma faut...ma faut? You're ri wan rit dragged me roon ri back e' ri Pavilion a seem tae remember.”
“Aye, bit a only waantit tae drag ye mibbes a thurd e' ri wye roon. It wis you thit says wi should go further so naeb'dy could drap oan is. An' rat's whin wi fun ri deid tramp.”
“ 'E wisnae a tramp.”
“Ri polis says 'e wis a tramp.”
“Naw, it wis in ri paper ri nixt week 'e wis workin' et Huntersin bit 'e hid ri habit a' takin' cider 'n' wine doon tae share wi' ri alkies.”
“A kent a gadgie lit rat wanc't. Wan a' rem 'Rerr but fur ri grace a Goad' gadgies.”
“Wull it turn't oot rat's whit ris fulla done tae.”
“Like a says. It wid nivir a' happint if ye'd jeest a' let me hump ye whair a says.”
“Bit wi hud tae tell ri polis didn't wi?”
“Nae argumint rerr doll. Bit a wisnae too happy wi' ri treatment wi goat.”
“A mind bein' in rat interview room in rey wis talkin' aboot ur's been a murder oan rur radios.”
“Aye, rat wis jeest ri stert e' it tae.”
“Aye, shin is rey fun ri boady rey went tae toon oan is.”
“Rey hud me kinvinced a'd done it masel'.”
“Bastarts searched mey an' flung mey in a cell. Rey hud tae git a polis wummin' oot e' 'ur scratcher tae come an' dae it.”
“Rat's how come a wis shair a wis gonnae get ma hole rat night.”
“A meant tae puull ye up aboot rat comment earlier rerr. How comes ye wis sa cock-shair e' yursel?”
“A heard ri polis wummin' tellin' anurr polis ye hud yur knickers in yur haunbag.”
“Ha-ha. Rat's true enough rat, ha-ha-ha”
“An' a ken whye rey kep me in furrat extra 'oor tae.”
“How?”
“Rey fun a hauf unce a' hame grown oan mey whin rey rumaged through ma drawers.”
“Could ye no' git rid e' it?”
“A wis lit a cucumber whin wi telt ri polis aboot ri boady, cool is ye like. Nae wye could a see is bein' rur nummer wan suspects. Whin rat radio caw came back tae say rey'd fun ri boady wi wurnae left oan wursels eftur rat, mind?”
“Sa did rey charge ye wi' possession ren?”
“Naw. A worked ri heid whin ri DS turn't up.”
“DS?”
“Drug squad.”
“Whit did ye dae?”
“A telt rum it wis yours.”
“Naw ye didnae. C'moan, tell is.”
“A geid it aw ri traumatic pare sowel a hud in me an' rey lerrit go. Bastarts kep ma grass but.”
“Sa whair did ye disappear tae?”
“Ah, a pal a' mine phoned me up fae doon Englin' wye an' telt me rur wis a joab gaun oan a buildin' site near 'es sister's hoose, sae a shot ri craw afore ri DS chinged rur minds.”
“Ye shote ri craw fur twinty five years?”
“A've been back a time ur two bit jeest quick veesits.”
“Here, ah'll get ris yin in. Pint a' heavy is it?”
“Aye, braw. A like a burd rit brings 'ur purse oot wi' 'ur.”
* * *
“Rat deid fulla's name wis in ri paper ri nixt week.”
“Whit wis it?”
“A furget. A don't furget a loat aboot rat night birra furget e's name.”
“Wull kin fun it oot nixt week so wi kin.”
“How?”
“Ye ken how ri local paper dis aw rat hunner, seevinty five, fifty an' twinty five year ago page?”
“Aye.”
“Wull a'm shair nuhin' else much happen't rat week so ru'll mention it fur shair.”
“Yur mibbes right aye.”
“Rat wee burd's a great singer so she is.”
“ 'Sma daughter rat. An' aye, she's goat a vice an' a hauf so she hus.”
“A thote rur wis a resemblance. Ha mony weans 'uv ye goat?”
“Jeest hur an' a boye.”
“An' whair's he? Dis he sing tae?”
“Ceemetry. 'E goat in wi' ri wrang crowd, shower a' junkies. Widnae be telt so 'e widnae.”
“Sorry tae hear rat doll. Here, erza tissue. Husnae bin yaised much.”
“Kin wi dance again?”
“Nae borr.”
* * *
“Feelin' a wee bit better doll?”
“Aye thanks. Bit a've made a mess e' yur shurt wi' ma greetin'.”
“Don't you go worryin' aboot rat hen. 'Slang is yur awright.....he-he-he.”
“Whit's sa funny?”
“Jeest 'hinkin'.”
“Whit?”
“We could caw ris ri anniversary waltz.”
“Aye. A s'pose wi could ha-ha.”
“Rat's better hen. A'd raithur see ye laugh thin greet.”
“Kin wi' go ur dae ye waant tae stye tae ri en'?”
“Aye nae borr. Jeest let me feenish ris pint.”
“Thanks.”
“Gettin' back tae ma earlier question doll.”
“Whit wis rat?”
“D'ye fancy a shag?”
“Ha-ha. Aye. Bit no' roon ri back e' ri Pavilion eh.”
“Naw. A've goat a B & B, bit jeest wan 'hing if ye wull?”
“Whit's rat?”
“Mibbes better keep yur knickers oan tae wi get rerr eh?”
“Knickers?..........whit knickers?”
“Ha-ha-ha....... Braw.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.