Hirplin'
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: A few mild ones.
Description: An enforced bus ride. All human life is here.
_____________________________________________________________________
A gote a big sherp stane in wan e' ma shin, an' five meenits later a gote a big sherp stane in anurr wan e' ma shin; sa rat wis me hirplin'. Aye, hirplin' oan ri wan fit's bad enough ye wid 'hink, birruv ye ever tried hirplin' oan baith e' yur feet et ri same time? Ye don't hauf git some funny luks. Wan wee wummin' says it wis a shame fur mey an' a couldnae a pit 'ur right withoot trippin' ower masel', s'a hud tae jeest let oan a agreed wi' 'ur.
A hoaped a bus, rat's how sair ma feet wis 'cos a kin walk furriver whin it's no' pishin' doon, mibbes ev'ry three ur four days; a like a guid walk me so a dae.
A ripped ri sanny affa ri wan fit tae see hu' much blood a hid loast an' a wis surprised tae fun rur wis nae blood rer ataw. In ma heid, baith e' ma feet wis hingin' et oad angles tae ma ankles; noo, tell mey rat's no' sair.
A styed oan ri bus, fur ri simple reason rit a didnae 'hink a could manage ri stairs wi' ma sair feet, a hudnae hud ri brains tae go doon ri stairs whin a git oan. Sa rat wis me, heedin' fur Kilmarnock wi' jeest enough in ma poakit furra plain loaf an' a pun a' beef links; ach, it wid bey a wee day oot, ri bus pass his its yisses.
A funna paper oan ri sate in front e' mey, a daily, Ri Scottish Daily Express; it luct lik' it hudnae been read.
A stertit readin' in time honoured fashion, back tae front, ri sport an' work yersel' backwards. Ri bus wisnae busy tae wey gote tae Kilwinnin', an' ren aboot twinty Bingo weemin' heftit rursels up ri stairs, an' some e' rum wis braw. A cadged a pen affa wan e' ri guid luckin' yins, rat's how rey say it in Kilwinnin', yins, whairis, wan wid say, 'wans'.......funny rat.
Bey ri time ri bus wis clear a' Irvine a wis nearly done wi' ri croassword, strugglin' wi wan ur two bit no' fur chuckin' it in yit. Rur wis jeest me an' an aul' couple up ri stairs ren, ren three junkie bastarts git oan an' sat ahin mey; a 'hink rey hid jeest scored an' waantit sum'dy tae torment. No' me bye ri wye, ri aul' couple, she wis fur Croasshoose tae get ri stookie aff 'ur leg an' he wis 'ur escort fur ri day, a heard rum sayin' rat earlier oan.
Imagine hirplin' up ri stairs oan a bus wi' a stookie oan yur leg.
Sa rese three junkie bastarts stertit pickin' oan ri aul' wummin' an' a could see 'ur man wis luckin' furra a wye roon aboot it, birry couldnae get 'es words oot. Rey didnae expect fur ri wee baldy dude wi' ri specs tae stick 'es bib in bit rat's jeest whit a dun. A ast rum did rey huv ony drugs oan rum and rey aw geid each ur a wee nervous luk. Ren a says rit whin it aw kicks aff an' ri polis come ru'll get rur drugs taen aff rum an' mibbes get tae spen' ri night in ri cells an' rey aw jumped up an' gote aff et ri nixt stope.
Ri wee man says guid oan mey and ri wee wummin' geid mey 'ur best smile.
A hud ri upstairs tae masel' efter Croasshoose birrit didnae last fur long. Four gadgies came humphin' up ri stairs an' rey wis aw strugglin' wi' golf bags. Rur cor hid broke doon birrit widnae bey pirrin' rum aff rur gemme; a gote rat much fae rur coanvursation. Ri golf bags taen up mair room rin rey did an' it wis funny tae see rum wrestlin' rum back doon ri stairs efter jeest two ur three stopes.
A skipped ri telly pages in ri paper, rur's never nu'hin' oan. Nixt tae ri middle pages wis a two page spread aboot ri upcomin' referendum. Three diffrint opinions fae three diffrint political pairties tryin' tae pit a pint acroass. It wis ri same aul' pish wrapped up in a diffrint newspaper. Naeb'dy seems tae bey asking yur man in ri street fur an opinion. Dae rey make rone Gallup Polls up? A'v been in an' oot a' cities aw ma days an' a'v nivir wance't been approached bey a Galluper.
Three mair junkies came up ri stairs, three weemin', rur een sunk awaw back in rur sockets; lit hoodies withoot hoods. Wan e' rum ast mey furra light an' a ast 'ur could she no' read. Ri same wan shoutit sum'hin' et mey whin rey wur getting' aff an' a flung ri pen et 'ur. Gote 'ur a stoater atween ri een wi' ri nib.
A retrieved ri pen an' feenished ri croassword. Rur wis a braw wee burd aw ower ri centre pages, she wis modellin' beachwear and she wis dain' a guid joab e' it.
Ri book page wis a bit e' a joke. Y'ed 'hink they'd fun some new names tae fling et is noo an' again, mibbes sum'b'dy rit didnae run tae a big publishin' deal rit hid sum'hin' diffrint tae say. An' here's a 'hing, rur's nut wan mention e' yur ebooks tae say rat particular paper must huv thoosins a readers rit yais yur Kindles 'n' rat. 'Zat no' sum kinna discrimination ur whit? Rur'l bey a strongly wordit letter in ri post tae rum ri morn, an' ye kin berrit'll no' bey ri letter e' ri week, tae.
A lined ma sannies wi' some e' ri paper tae gie ma feet a brek, birrit wisnae workin'. A wis still hirplin' whin a stepped aff ri bus.
A cannae walk past rat Gregg's et Kilmarnock bus station. A hud even less chance a dain' it wi' ma feet ri wye rey wis. A hud a steak bake in wan haun' an' a sausage roll in r'urr an' a fun a sate in ri sun. An' aul' wummin' sat doon an' ast did a waant a wee haun' tae feed ri pigeons, bit she shin gote aff 'ur mark whin a telt 'ur ri pigeons wis right et ri back 'e an awfa long queue.
A hirpl't ower tae ri charity shope tae luk furra guid book tae read an' a wis jeest aboot tae gie it up whin a seen ri bargain bin, two books furra poun'. A hud a root aboot an' a geid a wee squeal whin a fun a copy a' Raymond Carver's 'Cathedral', a book a' shoart stories a read yonks ago bit wan a waantit tae read again; ri wee squeal wis fur ma pare feet is weel is ri book. A geid ri wee wummin' ma last poun' furrit an' telt 'ur tae pick a book fur 'ursel' whin she shoutit mey back.
A usually huv a wauner roon' Kilmarnock whin a go rer bit no' ris tum, no' wi' ri wye ma feet wis. A hirpl't oan tae ri nixt nummer aleevin an' ris tum a wint doon ri stairs.
A wis getting' tore intae ma book whin wey turn't intae Croasshoose hoaspital, an' rat's whin a realised it wis chuckin' oot time fur ri visitors; wi hud tae lea' some staunin' rer whin wi left.
A git stuck wi' a big fat wummin' rit hid awfa bad B.O. She wis absalutely honkin' an' a hud a wee shudder whin she tel't 'ur pal she wis jeest gaun tae ri Plazza furrur tea 'cos she didnae fancy cookin'. Rat meant a wid bey stuck wi' 'ur is faur is Ardrussan, ri stope afore mine.
A managed tae haud ma braith tae Irvine Croass; no' really, bit a tried really hard tae. A could still smell 'ur whin a gote aff an' a wis wunnerin' if folk wid mibbes 'hink it wis me.
Anurr aleevin' hid cote is up s'a didnae huv long tae wait. Ri same three junkie bastarts git oan et Irvine Royal. Rey cloaked mey bit rey wint up ri stairs an' ren gote aff et ri nixt stope. Rey wis gein' mey ri fingur an puullin' faces an' wan' e' rum wint erse ower tit; served ri junkie bastart right.
Normally, oan a nice day lirrit wis, a wid gerraff et Stevissin Croass an' walk doon New Street an' oan tae ri path et ri sauny hills, an ren walk right alang ri shore road tae Ardrussin, bit no' wi' ma feet ri wye rey wis; a wis styin' oan tae ri stope oapisite ma hoose.
Ma wee pal Norrie gote oan et Solkits an' geid mey ri run doon oan 'es dominoes gemme ri night afore, a post mortem oan ev'ry tile 'e played in ev'ry gemme. 'E hud hard lines, same is ev'ry ur tum a ever seen 'um.
A wid a' ran up ri two flights a stairs if it wisnae fur ma feet, insteed, a hirpl't an' held oan tae ri banister tae take some e' ri weight aff mey.
A steeped ma feet in waarm salty watter an' wunner't whit wis fur ma tea. Whittivur it wis, it widnae include plain breed ur beef links.
Swearwords: A few mild ones.
Description: An enforced bus ride. All human life is here.
_____________________________________________________________________
A gote a big sherp stane in wan e' ma shin, an' five meenits later a gote a big sherp stane in anurr wan e' ma shin; sa rat wis me hirplin'. Aye, hirplin' oan ri wan fit's bad enough ye wid 'hink, birruv ye ever tried hirplin' oan baith e' yur feet et ri same time? Ye don't hauf git some funny luks. Wan wee wummin' says it wis a shame fur mey an' a couldnae a pit 'ur right withoot trippin' ower masel', s'a hud tae jeest let oan a agreed wi' 'ur.
A hoaped a bus, rat's how sair ma feet wis 'cos a kin walk furriver whin it's no' pishin' doon, mibbes ev'ry three ur four days; a like a guid walk me so a dae.
A ripped ri sanny affa ri wan fit tae see hu' much blood a hid loast an' a wis surprised tae fun rur wis nae blood rer ataw. In ma heid, baith e' ma feet wis hingin' et oad angles tae ma ankles; noo, tell mey rat's no' sair.
A styed oan ri bus, fur ri simple reason rit a didnae 'hink a could manage ri stairs wi' ma sair feet, a hudnae hud ri brains tae go doon ri stairs whin a git oan. Sa rat wis me, heedin' fur Kilmarnock wi' jeest enough in ma poakit furra plain loaf an' a pun a' beef links; ach, it wid bey a wee day oot, ri bus pass his its yisses.
A funna paper oan ri sate in front e' mey, a daily, Ri Scottish Daily Express; it luct lik' it hudnae been read.
A stertit readin' in time honoured fashion, back tae front, ri sport an' work yersel' backwards. Ri bus wisnae busy tae wey gote tae Kilwinnin', an' ren aboot twinty Bingo weemin' heftit rursels up ri stairs, an' some e' rum wis braw. A cadged a pen affa wan e' ri guid luckin' yins, rat's how rey say it in Kilwinnin', yins, whairis, wan wid say, 'wans'.......funny rat.
Bey ri time ri bus wis clear a' Irvine a wis nearly done wi' ri croassword, strugglin' wi wan ur two bit no' fur chuckin' it in yit. Rur wis jeest me an' an aul' couple up ri stairs ren, ren three junkie bastarts git oan an' sat ahin mey; a 'hink rey hid jeest scored an' waantit sum'dy tae torment. No' me bye ri wye, ri aul' couple, she wis fur Croasshoose tae get ri stookie aff 'ur leg an' he wis 'ur escort fur ri day, a heard rum sayin' rat earlier oan.
Imagine hirplin' up ri stairs oan a bus wi' a stookie oan yur leg.
Sa rese three junkie bastarts stertit pickin' oan ri aul' wummin' an' a could see 'ur man wis luckin' furra a wye roon aboot it, birry couldnae get 'es words oot. Rey didnae expect fur ri wee baldy dude wi' ri specs tae stick 'es bib in bit rat's jeest whit a dun. A ast rum did rey huv ony drugs oan rum and rey aw geid each ur a wee nervous luk. Ren a says rit whin it aw kicks aff an' ri polis come ru'll get rur drugs taen aff rum an' mibbes get tae spen' ri night in ri cells an' rey aw jumped up an' gote aff et ri nixt stope.
Ri wee man says guid oan mey and ri wee wummin' geid mey 'ur best smile.
A hud ri upstairs tae masel' efter Croasshoose birrit didnae last fur long. Four gadgies came humphin' up ri stairs an' rey wis aw strugglin' wi' golf bags. Rur cor hid broke doon birrit widnae bey pirrin' rum aff rur gemme; a gote rat much fae rur coanvursation. Ri golf bags taen up mair room rin rey did an' it wis funny tae see rum wrestlin' rum back doon ri stairs efter jeest two ur three stopes.
A skipped ri telly pages in ri paper, rur's never nu'hin' oan. Nixt tae ri middle pages wis a two page spread aboot ri upcomin' referendum. Three diffrint opinions fae three diffrint political pairties tryin' tae pit a pint acroass. It wis ri same aul' pish wrapped up in a diffrint newspaper. Naeb'dy seems tae bey asking yur man in ri street fur an opinion. Dae rey make rone Gallup Polls up? A'v been in an' oot a' cities aw ma days an' a'v nivir wance't been approached bey a Galluper.
Three mair junkies came up ri stairs, three weemin', rur een sunk awaw back in rur sockets; lit hoodies withoot hoods. Wan e' rum ast mey furra light an' a ast 'ur could she no' read. Ri same wan shoutit sum'hin' et mey whin rey wur getting' aff an' a flung ri pen et 'ur. Gote 'ur a stoater atween ri een wi' ri nib.
A retrieved ri pen an' feenished ri croassword. Rur wis a braw wee burd aw ower ri centre pages, she wis modellin' beachwear and she wis dain' a guid joab e' it.
Ri book page wis a bit e' a joke. Y'ed 'hink they'd fun some new names tae fling et is noo an' again, mibbes sum'b'dy rit didnae run tae a big publishin' deal rit hid sum'hin' diffrint tae say. An' here's a 'hing, rur's nut wan mention e' yur ebooks tae say rat particular paper must huv thoosins a readers rit yais yur Kindles 'n' rat. 'Zat no' sum kinna discrimination ur whit? Rur'l bey a strongly wordit letter in ri post tae rum ri morn, an' ye kin berrit'll no' bey ri letter e' ri week, tae.
A lined ma sannies wi' some e' ri paper tae gie ma feet a brek, birrit wisnae workin'. A wis still hirplin' whin a stepped aff ri bus.
A cannae walk past rat Gregg's et Kilmarnock bus station. A hud even less chance a dain' it wi' ma feet ri wye rey wis. A hud a steak bake in wan haun' an' a sausage roll in r'urr an' a fun a sate in ri sun. An' aul' wummin' sat doon an' ast did a waant a wee haun' tae feed ri pigeons, bit she shin gote aff 'ur mark whin a telt 'ur ri pigeons wis right et ri back 'e an awfa long queue.
A hirpl't ower tae ri charity shope tae luk furra guid book tae read an' a wis jeest aboot tae gie it up whin a seen ri bargain bin, two books furra poun'. A hud a root aboot an' a geid a wee squeal whin a fun a copy a' Raymond Carver's 'Cathedral', a book a' shoart stories a read yonks ago bit wan a waantit tae read again; ri wee squeal wis fur ma pare feet is weel is ri book. A geid ri wee wummin' ma last poun' furrit an' telt 'ur tae pick a book fur 'ursel' whin she shoutit mey back.
A usually huv a wauner roon' Kilmarnock whin a go rer bit no' ris tum, no' wi' ri wye ma feet wis. A hirpl't oan tae ri nixt nummer aleevin an' ris tum a wint doon ri stairs.
A wis getting' tore intae ma book whin wey turn't intae Croasshoose hoaspital, an' rat's whin a realised it wis chuckin' oot time fur ri visitors; wi hud tae lea' some staunin' rer whin wi left.
A git stuck wi' a big fat wummin' rit hid awfa bad B.O. She wis absalutely honkin' an' a hud a wee shudder whin she tel't 'ur pal she wis jeest gaun tae ri Plazza furrur tea 'cos she didnae fancy cookin'. Rat meant a wid bey stuck wi' 'ur is faur is Ardrussan, ri stope afore mine.
A managed tae haud ma braith tae Irvine Croass; no' really, bit a tried really hard tae. A could still smell 'ur whin a gote aff an' a wis wunnerin' if folk wid mibbes 'hink it wis me.
Anurr aleevin' hid cote is up s'a didnae huv long tae wait. Ri same three junkie bastarts git oan et Irvine Royal. Rey cloaked mey bit rey wint up ri stairs an' ren gote aff et ri nixt stope. Rey wis gein' mey ri fingur an puullin' faces an' wan' e' rum wint erse ower tit; served ri junkie bastart right.
Normally, oan a nice day lirrit wis, a wid gerraff et Stevissin Croass an' walk doon New Street an' oan tae ri path et ri sauny hills, an ren walk right alang ri shore road tae Ardrussin, bit no' wi' ma feet ri wye rey wis; a wis styin' oan tae ri stope oapisite ma hoose.
Ma wee pal Norrie gote oan et Solkits an' geid mey ri run doon oan 'es dominoes gemme ri night afore, a post mortem oan ev'ry tile 'e played in ev'ry gemme. 'E hud hard lines, same is ev'ry ur tum a ever seen 'um.
A wid a' ran up ri two flights a stairs if it wisnae fur ma feet, insteed, a hirpl't an' held oan tae ri banister tae take some e' ri weight aff mey.
A steeped ma feet in waarm salty watter an' wunner't whit wis fur ma tea. Whittivur it wis, it widnae include plain breed ur beef links.
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.