What I did during the holidays
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: One mild one only.
Description: Drug-fuelled New Year resolutions.
_____________________________________________________________________
So, I've been laid-up over the holidays with the flu. Apparently I didn't miss much. I spent the time coughing, sneezing and watching Columbo on the telly, there really was nothing else of any interest on. Sadly, Columbo doesn't run 24/7 so I foolishly set myself a target, a new year's resolution if you like, of writing twelve complete novels over the coming year in the vernacular. That's one per month for those of you without enough fingers to count on.
Just one more thing. My other resolution of note is to apply to appear on Mastermind, with Columbo as my chosen subject.
I've made a somewhat feverish start, outlining each of the novels, albeit rather sketchily to be truthful. They are as follows.
Ri Hunchback a' Rotterdam: In which we spend a year with a Dutch stevedore who used to go by the name of 'Shooders' until his unfortunate accident. He now answers to 'Quazi'.
Moby Phone: A migrating whale swallows a consignment of mobile phones and his journey is closely followed by satellite, several telecommunications firms and by Amazon Prime's 'Track my package' service. The whale's name is Moby and Senga is your courier.
Catch 'ur in ri buff: Is my tilt at a movie script, Carry-on style, and is loosely based on a true story. I have my mate's wife in mind for the lead female role.
Aw ri Presidents' burds: Actually two books in one here and charting the lives and loves of both JFK and Bill Clinton. I can't say any more about it for the moment due to some slight legal issues but it's sure to be a blockbuster, or two blockbusters.
Ri grapes 'ur aff: Another true story telling of the time I went to visit a mate in hospital. I ended up only having ten minutes with him as I bumped into an old flame, a nurse. She very kindly showed me round the, as yet unopened, new incubator room. The temperature was such that my gift of soft fruit took a bit of a mashing, although we may have rolled over it once or twice into the bargain. Sorry, Bob.
Fae here tae maternity: The desperate tale of an heroic taxi driver who valiantly criss-crosses the country in search of a still functioning maternity hospital while his passenger floods his back seat and screams blue murder at her husband. The meter is running throughout.
Cider wi' rosary: A recently ordained priest gets an unexpected visit from his bishop just as he's about to conduct ten o'clock mass. He realises he's run out of communion wine and substitutes it with some of his own cider from the fridge. All seems to be going well until the bishop joins the queue.
Three men an' a goat: A bitter tale of deception set in the mountainous region of Afghanistan. Three men fight over ownership of a prize goat. I'm giving the ending away when I say they end up sharing it when it gets killed in the melee. Delicious.
Ri Habit: The sad tale of a Franciscan monk who, in order to pack in his sixty fags a day habit, transfers to Buckfast Abbey and soon picks up yet another habit. WARNING: There's a certain amount of mindless violence throughout, but not from the beginning.
A passage tae Renfrewshire: The cautionary tale of a young Saltcoats man who finds work in Paisley and his struggle to understand the language and eating habits of the natives. It doesn't end well.
Brittle Women: We're in Seamill, the outdoor bowling club in the shadow of Hunterston Nuclear Power Station. They can't get a ladies team together for an important competition and the men have to roll their sleeves up and take care of the catering side of things. Suspicion hangs heavily on Hunterston itself since the women all suffer from brittle bones, their men, having worked in the place for years, somehow immune to the suspected radiation that causes the disease. This one will carry a government health warning on the front cover.
Jude ri mad whore: There are two Magistrates in the coastal town of Troon, both of them on Jude's list of clients. It works out fine for all three in the main. Whenever Jude appears in front of either one for soliciting, she then meets him under the old railway bridge and has her fine paid, with bonuses. The shit hits the fan when one of the men is given gardening leave for some misdemeanour or other and a replacement is shipped in. Jude is mad with rage, seething when the woman won't succumb to her charms, a snub which leaves her out of pocket.
A huge undertaking, I know. Wish me luck!
Swearwords: One mild one only.
Description: Drug-fuelled New Year resolutions.
_____________________________________________________________________
So, I've been laid-up over the holidays with the flu. Apparently I didn't miss much. I spent the time coughing, sneezing and watching Columbo on the telly, there really was nothing else of any interest on. Sadly, Columbo doesn't run 24/7 so I foolishly set myself a target, a new year's resolution if you like, of writing twelve complete novels over the coming year in the vernacular. That's one per month for those of you without enough fingers to count on.
Just one more thing. My other resolution of note is to apply to appear on Mastermind, with Columbo as my chosen subject.
I've made a somewhat feverish start, outlining each of the novels, albeit rather sketchily to be truthful. They are as follows.
Ri Hunchback a' Rotterdam: In which we spend a year with a Dutch stevedore who used to go by the name of 'Shooders' until his unfortunate accident. He now answers to 'Quazi'.
Moby Phone: A migrating whale swallows a consignment of mobile phones and his journey is closely followed by satellite, several telecommunications firms and by Amazon Prime's 'Track my package' service. The whale's name is Moby and Senga is your courier.
Catch 'ur in ri buff: Is my tilt at a movie script, Carry-on style, and is loosely based on a true story. I have my mate's wife in mind for the lead female role.
Aw ri Presidents' burds: Actually two books in one here and charting the lives and loves of both JFK and Bill Clinton. I can't say any more about it for the moment due to some slight legal issues but it's sure to be a blockbuster, or two blockbusters.
Ri grapes 'ur aff: Another true story telling of the time I went to visit a mate in hospital. I ended up only having ten minutes with him as I bumped into an old flame, a nurse. She very kindly showed me round the, as yet unopened, new incubator room. The temperature was such that my gift of soft fruit took a bit of a mashing, although we may have rolled over it once or twice into the bargain. Sorry, Bob.
Fae here tae maternity: The desperate tale of an heroic taxi driver who valiantly criss-crosses the country in search of a still functioning maternity hospital while his passenger floods his back seat and screams blue murder at her husband. The meter is running throughout.
Cider wi' rosary: A recently ordained priest gets an unexpected visit from his bishop just as he's about to conduct ten o'clock mass. He realises he's run out of communion wine and substitutes it with some of his own cider from the fridge. All seems to be going well until the bishop joins the queue.
Three men an' a goat: A bitter tale of deception set in the mountainous region of Afghanistan. Three men fight over ownership of a prize goat. I'm giving the ending away when I say they end up sharing it when it gets killed in the melee. Delicious.
Ri Habit: The sad tale of a Franciscan monk who, in order to pack in his sixty fags a day habit, transfers to Buckfast Abbey and soon picks up yet another habit. WARNING: There's a certain amount of mindless violence throughout, but not from the beginning.
A passage tae Renfrewshire: The cautionary tale of a young Saltcoats man who finds work in Paisley and his struggle to understand the language and eating habits of the natives. It doesn't end well.
Brittle Women: We're in Seamill, the outdoor bowling club in the shadow of Hunterston Nuclear Power Station. They can't get a ladies team together for an important competition and the men have to roll their sleeves up and take care of the catering side of things. Suspicion hangs heavily on Hunterston itself since the women all suffer from brittle bones, their men, having worked in the place for years, somehow immune to the suspected radiation that causes the disease. This one will carry a government health warning on the front cover.
Jude ri mad whore: There are two Magistrates in the coastal town of Troon, both of them on Jude's list of clients. It works out fine for all three in the main. Whenever Jude appears in front of either one for soliciting, she then meets him under the old railway bridge and has her fine paid, with bonuses. The shit hits the fan when one of the men is given gardening leave for some misdemeanour or other and a replacement is shipped in. Jude is mad with rage, seething when the woman won't succumb to her charms, a snub which leaves her out of pocket.
A huge undertaking, I know. Wish me luck!
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing.
Angus is the author of twelve novels, two short story collections and six collections of McLimericks. All but four of his books are McStorytellers publications.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
Angus is the author of twelve novels, two short story collections and six collections of McLimericks. All but four of his books are McStorytellers publications.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.