Wash Like an Egyptian
by Brian Morrison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: One mild one only.
Description: The year is 1966 BC. It is laundry day down at the Nile delta.
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SCENE: On the banks of the Nile 1966 BC. It is washing day.
RITA PHUDBHUUK, AMA NEFERUT and slave girl HORA HOTEP take a break from their clothes washing duties to have a natter.
RITA: (to the slave girl) Haw, Hora! Hey! Haw Hora, hen. Dinnae whack ma claithes sae hard wi’ that rock, ken! Yer gaunnie raggle ‘em sumthin’ stupid, ken!
AMA: (to Rita) Is she still havin’ problems understandin’ your east coast accent, Rita?
RITA: Aye well, considerin’ that the east coast husnae been discovered yet, ye think she wid huv picked up a wee bit o’ the lingo by noo, ken!
HORA: It’s these rocks, yer highness. They’re no’ as guid as the wans ye picked up fae Waalmaart last week. They’ve got too many wee gold nuggets in them. Ye need safter rocks.
RITA: Whit?
HORA: Sorry . . . everythin’ that Ah said before, but wi’ the word “ken” efter it!
RITA: Aw right, ken! Ah ken whit ye mean noo, ken. Jist dae the best ye can, ken!
AMA: Gold nuggets eh! Ah’m sick o’ lookin’ at gold nuggets. They’re everywhere! Everthin’ in ma gaff is made o’ solid gold. Solid gold candlesticks. Solid gold jewellery. Ma gob is full o’ solid gold teeth – an’ noo Ah’ve got a solid gold toothbrush tae clean them wi’! See every mornin’ when the Sun God rises in the east, my hoose glows like a bloody fireball. Ah cannie get a long lie at all!
RITA: Aye Ah ken whit ye mean, ken. Ma man, Horus, tried tae surprise me wi’ a wee birthday present last year, ken! Somethin’ different. A drinkin’ cup made o’ lead.
AMA: Lead? Whit’s that?
RITA: It’s like gold, but it’s a kinda dull saft gold. Disnae shine at all, ken! Only things is - fur some reason Ah’ve been havin’ the shits recently, ken! An’ believe me – they’re no’ hard! . . . Mair like the thickness o’ the Nile mud, ken?
AMA: Aw well, Ah think Ah will jist stick wi’ ma gold chalice then. Talkin’ aboot the Nile mud, by the way . . . it will no’ be long noo until the big flood season.
RITA: Oh Ah love the flood season, ken!
AMA: Same here!
HORA: Aye – a’ that lovely Nile mud. It’s great fur exfoliating ma skin. Ah fair love it, by the way. It makes ma skin dead saft.
AMA: (to the slave) Ur you slaves allowed doon here at the Nile durin’ the ‘Mud Pack’ season?
HORA: Well, no’ officially, but we like tae nip doon noo an’ again.
RITA: (to the slave) Diz it no’ rub aff all yer black skin, ken?
HORA: Jist oan ma hands, an’ the soles o’ ma feet . . . ken.
Swearwords: One mild one only.
Description: The year is 1966 BC. It is laundry day down at the Nile delta.
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE: On the banks of the Nile 1966 BC. It is washing day.
RITA PHUDBHUUK, AMA NEFERUT and slave girl HORA HOTEP take a break from their clothes washing duties to have a natter.
RITA: (to the slave girl) Haw, Hora! Hey! Haw Hora, hen. Dinnae whack ma claithes sae hard wi’ that rock, ken! Yer gaunnie raggle ‘em sumthin’ stupid, ken!
AMA: (to Rita) Is she still havin’ problems understandin’ your east coast accent, Rita?
RITA: Aye well, considerin’ that the east coast husnae been discovered yet, ye think she wid huv picked up a wee bit o’ the lingo by noo, ken!
HORA: It’s these rocks, yer highness. They’re no’ as guid as the wans ye picked up fae Waalmaart last week. They’ve got too many wee gold nuggets in them. Ye need safter rocks.
RITA: Whit?
HORA: Sorry . . . everythin’ that Ah said before, but wi’ the word “ken” efter it!
RITA: Aw right, ken! Ah ken whit ye mean noo, ken. Jist dae the best ye can, ken!
AMA: Gold nuggets eh! Ah’m sick o’ lookin’ at gold nuggets. They’re everywhere! Everthin’ in ma gaff is made o’ solid gold. Solid gold candlesticks. Solid gold jewellery. Ma gob is full o’ solid gold teeth – an’ noo Ah’ve got a solid gold toothbrush tae clean them wi’! See every mornin’ when the Sun God rises in the east, my hoose glows like a bloody fireball. Ah cannie get a long lie at all!
RITA: Aye Ah ken whit ye mean, ken. Ma man, Horus, tried tae surprise me wi’ a wee birthday present last year, ken! Somethin’ different. A drinkin’ cup made o’ lead.
AMA: Lead? Whit’s that?
RITA: It’s like gold, but it’s a kinda dull saft gold. Disnae shine at all, ken! Only things is - fur some reason Ah’ve been havin’ the shits recently, ken! An’ believe me – they’re no’ hard! . . . Mair like the thickness o’ the Nile mud, ken?
AMA: Aw well, Ah think Ah will jist stick wi’ ma gold chalice then. Talkin’ aboot the Nile mud, by the way . . . it will no’ be long noo until the big flood season.
RITA: Oh Ah love the flood season, ken!
AMA: Same here!
HORA: Aye – a’ that lovely Nile mud. It’s great fur exfoliating ma skin. Ah fair love it, by the way. It makes ma skin dead saft.
AMA: (to the slave) Ur you slaves allowed doon here at the Nile durin’ the ‘Mud Pack’ season?
HORA: Well, no’ officially, but we like tae nip doon noo an’ again.
RITA: (to the slave) Diz it no’ rub aff all yer black skin, ken?
HORA: Jist oan ma hands, an’ the soles o’ ma feet . . . ken.
About the Author
Born in Saltcoats, Brian Morrison has a day job at the Hunterston Power Station. But in his other life he is well known as a caricaturist and comedy sketch writer. More recently, he has become a novelist and a writer of children's stories. His dark comedy, Blister, is available on Amazon.