Tattie Bye, Zkowens
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: Is trilogies go, rissis ri last pert. A mean: who ri hell rese days cannae manage three Tatties?
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In the twinty ur so years sin' Tina hid kent Tattie, she could coont oan wan haun' hu mony tums she hid seen 'um render't speechless. Ri weans an' Wee Jinky hud niver borne witness tae it bit rey wis is taken aback is Tina wis. Ri man ay hud an answer fur ev'ryhin' sae confusion reign't whin 'e sat doon wi' a thump an' glazed ower.
Bonnie, et fourteen an' a hauf yir aul', wis ri root cause e' ri phenomenon whin she ran tae 'ur faither wi' 'ur big news; she hud J J boabin' et 'ur back wi' ri same story tae tell an' mibbe mair intae ri bargin.
It stertit aff innocently enuff. Ri weans hid been tae kickba' trainin' an' fur drinks et ri cafe eftur rat bit rey hid gote Daisy Chane's faither tae drap thum aff early whin 'e came tae pick Daisy up.
“Daddy...Daddy,” says Bonnie, eager tae git in furst wi' ri news, “Santa's been tae see is et ri trainin' grun'.”
“Ur yis no' too aul' tae bey believin in yon man?” says Tattie, rollin' 'es een tae ri heavens. “Yis ur big lassies noo sae yis should mibbes act it. An' whit's mair besides, Christmas is ower five munss awa' an' yis ken better'n tae mention it in ris hoose afore ri middle a' December.”
“No' Santa Claus, Daddy,” says Bonnie, an' Tattie could see J J ahin' ur, dancin' lit she wis burstin' fur a pish, “Santa Clara, ri coalage in America rit dis kickba' scholarships fur lassies.....'n' mibbe boyes tae, a 'hink.”
Tattie's slump tae ri chair wis lit slow motion. 'E kent whin 'es weans wis et ri kiddin' an' kent right aff rey wisnae et it ren. 'E hid kiddi't rum oan 'esel' aboot scouts comin' tae ri semis an noo 'e wis sittin' rerrr wi' egg oan 'es fizzer; an' withoot a wurd tae say fur 'esel'.
Wee Jinky geid 'um a nudge oan 'es shin wi' 'es nib tae make shair 'e wis awright birrit wis only whin Tina brung 'um a rid tin rit 'e gaither't 'esel' tae hear ri full tale.
“R'urr comin' roon' tae see yis, you an' ma Maw, Daddy,” says J J, determin't tae get 'ur two bob's worth in afore Bonnie ran awa' wi' ri hale story, “ri delegates fae ri coalage in Califoarnya, a'm aw feart an' aw exciti't et ri same time so a'm ur.”
Tina wis watchin' Tattie, ri weans wis watchin' Tattie an' Wee Jinky wis watchin' 'um mibbe mair rin rey wis. Ris crowd wis fuull a' surprises bit ris particular surprise hid 'es ain particular future et stake in a big wye.
Tattie hudnae says much whin ri delegation landi't oan ri doorstep. 'E wis right proud 'e 'es weans awright bit rurr wis nae wye 'es heid wis onywhair near getting' roon whit wis gin oan. Carmen Gerrett, ri Heidy, made ri introductions, she hid wee Miss Swirl in tow; wee sook rit she wis.
Ri two Coalage delegates git right doon tae business, spreadin' brochures acroas ri kitchen table an yappin' lit only Yanks kin yap. They wis mibbe hauf wye through rur speil whin Tattie finally fun 'es vice.
“Jeest back up a wee bit here,” 'e says, “better still, stert right et ri stert again, wull yis?”
Miss Swirl translati't helpfully an ri Yanks wis happy tae comply. Tina gote busy wi' ri kettle, sumhin' she dis et times a' crisis ur confusion; she wisnae quite shair whit category aw ris full unner bit kent fine it wis wan ur ri urr, ur mibbes baith.
“I can assure you your girls will be well looked after, Mr Zkowen,” says ri heid Yank, “and they'll be with girls from similar backgrounds to their own. We've already signed two girls from Glasgow and another from Troon. Plus, we also have two more to assess in Kilbirnie.”
“Yis waant tae take ma weans aff me an' take rum tae a furrin' country,” says Tattie. “Help us oot here, Tina. Yuv no says nuhin' only dae yis take sugar 'n' mulk.”
“Luk it ri weans' faces, Tattie. Wi need tae aw sit doon is a faimly and talk aw ris through birrit's an awfy guid oapurtunity fur rum, so it is.”
Tattie's heid wis birlin' wi' it bit ri Yanks wis awfy awfy patient wi' 'um, so they wis, nearly four 'oors worth a' patience; Tina wis in real danger a' runnin' oot a' tea.
It wis decidit tae sleep oan it bit Tattie kent fine 'e widnae sleep a wink fur 'hinkin' aboot it. Ri delegation wis oan its wye oot ri door whin Owen rolled up wi' Kjerstin. The weans wis aw ower Kjerstin lit rey ay wis an' Tattie wis runnin' ri entire scenario by Owen. Kjerstin jine't rum et ri table an' scan't ri brochures; ri weans folayed 'ur. “Girruls,” she says, grabbin' evrub'dys attention, “you must go to California......you must, do yous hear me?”
Tattie couldnae believe whit 'e wis hearin' bit 'e wis ri furst tae fun 'es vice. “Whit makes ye say rat, Kjerstin hen?”
“Weel,” she says, “it's jeest so's me an' oor Owen kin go ower an' visit rum.”
Rey aw laughed ri bit doon et rat an' even Wee Jinky furgoat 'es woes furra meenit tae jine in. Ri discussion caried oan intae ri night, rurr wis nae immediate hurry fur a decision bit Tattie waantit tae cover aw ri bases; wan e' ri Yanks hid says rat earlier an' it fittit in wi' ri wye 'e wis 'hinkin'.
Ri weans hid summer joabs; Bonnie et ri wee indoor market sellin' pet accessories an' J J et ri big kennels. Wee Jinky hud tae huv a right guid sniff et rum whinivir rey gote hame 'cause rem places hid some intrestin' aromas aboot rum. Tina taen ri weans tae rur work ri nixt moarnin' ren drove ower tae Dalry tae tell Aggie aboot ris sudden bombshell development 'hing. She totally trustit 'ur Maw's instincts.
Tattie dun 'es hoosework an' made 'esel' ham 'n' eggs an' couldnae eat it. Wee Jinky turn't 'es nib up et ri bacon bit perked up whin Tattie pit e's dug walkin' shoes oan.
Rey went a different road, Tattie waantit a guid 'hink tae 'esel' sae rey wint ower roon' bey ri graveyerd an up tewards ri reservoir; 'e didnae even take 'es ipod wi' 'um.
A fulla swished by oan a puushbike, 'e hud a fishin' rod ower 'es shooder. Wee Jinky stertit grumlin' an' Tattie turn't roon' jeest in time tae seee ri fulla's mongrel aboot tae take a bite oot e' ri wee dug. Jinky showed it 'es teeth and Tattie gote atween rum and ri ugly mongrel geid it up is a bad joab. Ri fulla oan ri bike stoped tae let 'es dug catch up an' Tattie held 'es tongue, 'e hid been fur tellin' 'um tae keep better control e' 'es dug. Did ri 'hing no' gae intae a crouch whin it cote 'um up an' did ri fulla no jeest lea' it lyin' rerr in ri middle e' ri fitpath? “Haw you,” shoutit Tattie, “ you no' gonnae pick rat up, ya durty ignorant bastart ye?”
Ri fulla geid Tattie ri fingers an' caried oan wi' ri peddlin'. Tattie wis incensed, bit calm't doon whin 'e seen ri fulla rest 'es bike against ri fence an' trudge acroas ri field tae ri reservoir.
Wee Jinky wis wunnerin' tae 'esel' is tae whye Tattie should be pickin' up anurr dug's shite bit 'e grin't a mile wide whin 'es lord an' maistur coatit ri saddle an' ri haunulbors e' ri bastart's bike wi ri stuff. Rat wid learn ri durty ignorant bastart, right enuff.
Tattie prepped ri dinner ren sat doon furranurr swatch et ri brochures. 'E wis oan ri back-shift an' widnae likely see ri weans later oan. 'E fun 'esel' et ri computer researchin' intae it a bit mair, kennin' fine weel 'es weans wid jeest love it awrerr; it wis an awfy attractive oafur an' nae mistake.
Is 'e made up 'es piece fur work, Tattie seen Wee Jinky huvin' a nibble et 'es dinner. Ri wee dug hid realised Tattie hid reached sumhin' e' a decision aboot recent events an' kent weel rurr wis nuhin' 'e could dae ur say tae chinge 'es mind; bit rat didnae stope 'um fae worryin' aboot it.
Tattie taen Wee Jinky roon' ri park afore tellin' 'um tae keep an eye oan ri hoose; pairt e' 'es usual adios afore 'e went tae 'es work.
Rurr wis a sheaf a' forms an' a big notice near ri cloakin' oan cloak, announcin' a voluntary redundancy scheme fur omb'dy intrestit; Tattie foldit wan an' pirrit in 'es overalls poakit. 'E fun a pen an' fil't ri form in whin rur wis naeb'dy in ri loakur room ren pirrit in ri boax providit; decidin' 'e wis seek an' scunner't wi' ri joab.
Considerin' rese 'hings is s'pos't tae bey private, ri news wis aw ower ri shope flair bey furst brek tum. Dart Agnew, wan e' ri apprentices, wan e' ri seevin Musketeers rit didnae ken ony better, pul't 'um up aboot it is 'e wis aboot tae bite intae a coarned beef, mustard an' ingion piece.
“'Zat right whit rurr sayin', Tattie man? Yur flingin' ri towel in an jumpin' ship oan is?”
Clarry Fry jumped in tae shut ri boye up bit Tattie geid 'um ri noad tae lerrit be. “Fed up wi' ri pishin' loat e' yis,” 'e says, pittin' 'es piece back doon oan ri tin foil. “Ah'll yais ri redundancy dosh tae buy intae oor Owen's shope an' work wi' him; ah'll mibbes get mair peace rerr rin a get aff yous fullas.”
“Twinty year,” says Clarry, “rat's a fair aul' whack yir luckin' et thair, man. Guid luck tae ye.”
Wan ur two mair says ri same 'hing an' ri subject quickly chinged tae whitiver pish rey hid been watchin' oan ri telly. Tattie wis jeest gled tae get 'es piece in peace.
Ringo Sparr, ri foreman, cried Tattie intae ri oaffice efter ri dinner brek. 'E wisnae happy. “Yur ri best worker ah'v gote oot rerr, Tattie. Whittur ye tryin' tae dae tae me here, son?”
“Haud oan rerr a wee meenit, Ringo,” says Tattie indignantly, “a'm ri best worker yiv gote bit a'm no' guid enough fur ri promotion tae chairge-haun'? Too much cairy oan in ma heid fur rat kinna responsibility, ye says rurr month rerr.”
“A'm bettin' ye huvnae anurr joab line't up, Tattie. Um a right ur um a right?”
“A widnae take yur money aff ye, Ringo. Yur no' a bad yin fur management bit ye'd loas yur dough wi' rat bet. Ah'v git oaptions ye widnae believe, so a huv.”
“Sae yur workin' a foartnights' notice, is rat ri wye e' it?”
“A'm workin three an' a hauf days notice, Ringo man. Yis owe me hoalidays, so yis dae. In fact, a'm takin' a hauf a day noo. A'm gaun tae pit ma weans tae bed, so am ur, an' you're gonnae cover it fur me. Ur ye awright wi' rat.?”
“Nae borr, Tattie man,” says Ringo, oaffurin' 'es haun', “ guid luck tae ye, ma freen'.”
“Ur ye no' weel, Tattie?” says Tina whin 'e walked in ri door. “Yur hame awfy early, so ye ur.”
“Right is rain, Tina doll. Whit did yur murr huv tae say aboot ris cairy oan?”
“Greetin' ri bit doon whin a left 'ur, so she wis, bit she's jeest aff ri phone wi' ri weans an rey says she wis cool. She wis tellin' rum tae git sign't up afore ri Yanks chinge rurr minds.”
“Wait tae she hears whit ah'v gote tae say, hen, pendin' a' coorse oan ri ootcome 'e wur nixt faimly pow-wow.”
“No' shair a like ri sound e' rat, Tattie. Bit ah'll no' puush ye tae wur aw rigithur. Ri weans is oot wi' Wee Jinky sae ru'll no' bey long. Cup a' tea?”
“Aye, go fur it, hen. Rat'll bey great.”
Rur wisnae a brochure in sight whin rey aw git roon' ri table. Insteed, Tattie went tae 'es CD drawer, ri wan naeb'dy wis tae go near oan pain a' daith, an' brung oot ri notebook e' hid been writin' in earlier oan. Wee Jinky hud a drink an' went tae 'es bed bit 'e hid wan ear coked tae huv a listen.
“A'm gonnae say ma bit 'n' ren yous kin pick it tae bits, OK?”
Tina an' ri weans noadi't in unison.
“If ma weans ur gaun' tae Califoarnya, rur no' gaun' withoot rur aul' faithir.”
J J pit 'ur haun' up lit she wis et ri skill an' Tattie motion't furrur tae pirrit doon. “Ask aw ri questions ye waant whin ah'v done, ma wee darlin'. Jeest let is git ris aff ma chist. A dun a wee bit a' research ris moarnin' whin a hud a meenit. A gote ri heid Yank oan ri blower an' score't masel' a paseetion is chaperone tae ri Scoatish lassies rit's gin ower rerr tae play kickba', make rum feel a wee bit mair et hame, ken? Onywyes, 'e thote it wis a gallus idea an' wunner't how comes ri didnae 'hink e' it rursels. Rurr's still a few wee kinks tae bey irn't oot bit nuhin' majur. Ri joab comes wi' a hoose an' a cor an' hunnurs a' perks bit ah'll spare yis ri details fur noo. Ah'v taen voluntary redundancy et thone place et ri tap e' ri hill an' rat's ri only 'hing uv dun oan impulse. Ri rest e' it's aw been thote through. If it turns oot wi don't go a kin ay work wi' oor Owen.......Right ladies.....fire away.”
Rur wis an initial silence, ren rey aw stertit in et wance't; Tina pul't rank oan ri weans. “Yuv noaked is fur a sixer thair, Tattie,” she says, still obviously luckin' fur ri right words bit rat hid nivir stoped 'ur afore. “Yuv dun aw rat ri day an no' a wurd tae naeb'dy, eh?”
“You wis ower et Aggie's an' ri weans wis et rurr work sae a git stuck in roonaboot it, Tina doll. A kin tell yur awfy impressed, um a right?”
“Mibbes....a'm mair shoke't, tae bey honist, bit ah'll let ye ken mair whin uv git aw ri facts.”
“Whit wi gonnae dae wi' Wee Jinky, Daddy?” says Bonnie. “'E wisnae quotit in yur wee speech ataw.”
Wee Jinky jump't fae 'es bed lit sumb'dy hid flung a pail a' watter ower 'um; 'e wantit tae make shair 'e cote ris.
“Passport,” says Tattie triumphantly. “Ah'll see Javeed aboot fixin' 'um up wi' 'es ain wee pet passport. Ma research tells me 'e'll only bey withoot is furrafoartnight an' wu'll get tae see 'um et ri quarantine kennels sae 'e kens w'ur aboot ri place.”
Wee Jinky wis waggin' 'es wee tail aff et rat, so 'e wis. Mibbes et ri thote a' huvin' 'es ain passport.
“My,” says J J, 'ur airms foldit acroas 'ur chist lit she wis talkin' ower ri fence tae ri neeburs, “ye mibbe 'hink yuv thote e' ev'ryhin', Daddy, bit whit aboot ma Maw?”
“Ah'v hud a wee 'hink aboot rat tae, ma wee hen, nae stane left unnturn't wi' me, ye ken, 'n' uv fun sumhin' yer Maw'll bey jeest fine et. Ony mair tea in rat poat, Tina doll? Ah'v an awfy thurst, so a huv.”
Tina didnae move in wis aboot tae jump in wi' anurr question whin Owen an' Kjerstin landit oan rum. Owen hud hauf a dozen rid tins wi' 'um. Ri weans wis up gettin' Kjerstin et ri dancin' 'n' tellin' 'ur aboot ri latest developments. Owen coat ri jist e' it an' hud tae huv a sate. Tina pit ri kettle oan an' rey aw sat roon' ri table so's ri tale could bey tel't again fae ri stert. Tattie gote 'esel' a rid tin an' sat back while ri weans went et it wi' a relish; ri story, no' ri rid tin.
“Whirraboot ri hoose?” says Owen. “Yis'll no' kin lea' it lyin' empty whin yis'r ower thair.”
“Wu'll sell it,” says Tattie wi' a shrug, “an' wu'll kin pick an' choose whinivir wi git back, a'm shair.”
“Oor Owen'll buy it aff yis,” says Kjerstin. “ 'Es ay sayin' ha much 'e likes ris hoose, so 'e is. Keep it in ri faimly.” She wis fair getting' a haunul oan ri lingo.
Tina hid a worrit look tae 'ur coupon an J J pic't up oan it. “Daddy,” she says wi' 'ur wee serious heid oan, “yuv no' tel't is whirrit is ma Maw'll bey dain' ower in Califoarnya.”
“Ach, wee hen,” says Tattie, “rat wis ri easiest bit e' ri puzzle fur me. Wi aw ken whit yir Maw's guid et, dain't wi?”
“Ye mean cleanin' an' irnin' an' drivin' is aboot, Daddy?” says Bonnie.
“Naw, hen, rem's yur Maw's hoabies, so rey ur. Whit ah'v gote in mind furrur takes a real skill an' an awfy loat a' dedication.”
“Yuv loast me rerr, Daddy.”
“'Hink aboot it, hen,” says Tattie, pausin' fur effect, “......huv yis no' seen ri cairy oan 'e 'ur whin yis ur playin' kickba'?...........Yir Maw's gonnae bey a Cheerleader.”
Ri hale hoose wis in uproar wi' evrub'dy howlin' wi' laughter an' Wee Jinky jine't in bey barkin' ri bit doon. Ri wee fulla likes a guid laugh, so 'e dis.
Ri hoose didnae faw quait tae aboot three in ri moarnin'. Kjerstin wis in Bonnie's room 'cause Owen wis tae bey et a trade fair early bit ri weans didnae let 'ur get tae 'ur kip tae rey hid ran oot a' puff. Tattie 'n' Tina heard it aw gin oan an' marvelled et how rey aw git oan ri gither. Tina says she wisnae tired, which wis usually ri signal fur Tattie tae jump oan 'ur bones bit she jeest waantit tae talk. Is luck wid huv it, Tattie wis happy tae listen. 'E hid taen ri bull bey ri hoarns earlier an' wis mair surpris't thin 'e let oan aboot 'es faimly's reaction; aboot Tina's reaction, in particular, bit ri wummin nivir ceased tae amaze 'um, she wis wan in a million. Rey wis fur America, ri four e' rum,
…..ri five e' rum, an' Aggie wis up fur drappin' in whin ri mood taen 'ur; rey wis only a day awa' whin aw wis said an' done.
Tina wrapped 'ersel' roon' Tattie, she hid loats tae say tae 'um bit she kep it simple fur noo. “Yir a lovely lovely man, Tattie Zkowen,” she says.
“A ken, hen,” says Tattie, hauf asleep, “an' a jeest git lovelier an' lovelier, so a dae.”
“A cannae bulieve a'm gonnae bey a Cheerleader,” says Tina.
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: Is trilogies go, rissis ri last pert. A mean: who ri hell rese days cannae manage three Tatties?
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In the twinty ur so years sin' Tina hid kent Tattie, she could coont oan wan haun' hu mony tums she hid seen 'um render't speechless. Ri weans an' Wee Jinky hud niver borne witness tae it bit rey wis is taken aback is Tina wis. Ri man ay hud an answer fur ev'ryhin' sae confusion reign't whin 'e sat doon wi' a thump an' glazed ower.
Bonnie, et fourteen an' a hauf yir aul', wis ri root cause e' ri phenomenon whin she ran tae 'ur faither wi' 'ur big news; she hud J J boabin' et 'ur back wi' ri same story tae tell an' mibbe mair intae ri bargin.
It stertit aff innocently enuff. Ri weans hid been tae kickba' trainin' an' fur drinks et ri cafe eftur rat bit rey hid gote Daisy Chane's faither tae drap thum aff early whin 'e came tae pick Daisy up.
“Daddy...Daddy,” says Bonnie, eager tae git in furst wi' ri news, “Santa's been tae see is et ri trainin' grun'.”
“Ur yis no' too aul' tae bey believin in yon man?” says Tattie, rollin' 'es een tae ri heavens. “Yis ur big lassies noo sae yis should mibbes act it. An' whit's mair besides, Christmas is ower five munss awa' an' yis ken better'n tae mention it in ris hoose afore ri middle a' December.”
“No' Santa Claus, Daddy,” says Bonnie, an' Tattie could see J J ahin' ur, dancin' lit she wis burstin' fur a pish, “Santa Clara, ri coalage in America rit dis kickba' scholarships fur lassies.....'n' mibbe boyes tae, a 'hink.”
Tattie's slump tae ri chair wis lit slow motion. 'E kent whin 'es weans wis et ri kiddin' an' kent right aff rey wisnae et it ren. 'E hid kiddi't rum oan 'esel' aboot scouts comin' tae ri semis an noo 'e wis sittin' rerrr wi' egg oan 'es fizzer; an' withoot a wurd tae say fur 'esel'.
Wee Jinky geid 'um a nudge oan 'es shin wi' 'es nib tae make shair 'e wis awright birrit wis only whin Tina brung 'um a rid tin rit 'e gaither't 'esel' tae hear ri full tale.
“R'urr comin' roon' tae see yis, you an' ma Maw, Daddy,” says J J, determin't tae get 'ur two bob's worth in afore Bonnie ran awa' wi' ri hale story, “ri delegates fae ri coalage in Califoarnya, a'm aw feart an' aw exciti't et ri same time so a'm ur.”
Tina wis watchin' Tattie, ri weans wis watchin' Tattie an' Wee Jinky wis watchin' 'um mibbe mair rin rey wis. Ris crowd wis fuull a' surprises bit ris particular surprise hid 'es ain particular future et stake in a big wye.
Tattie hudnae says much whin ri delegation landi't oan ri doorstep. 'E wis right proud 'e 'es weans awright bit rurr wis nae wye 'es heid wis onywhair near getting' roon whit wis gin oan. Carmen Gerrett, ri Heidy, made ri introductions, she hid wee Miss Swirl in tow; wee sook rit she wis.
Ri two Coalage delegates git right doon tae business, spreadin' brochures acroas ri kitchen table an yappin' lit only Yanks kin yap. They wis mibbe hauf wye through rur speil whin Tattie finally fun 'es vice.
“Jeest back up a wee bit here,” 'e says, “better still, stert right et ri stert again, wull yis?”
Miss Swirl translati't helpfully an ri Yanks wis happy tae comply. Tina gote busy wi' ri kettle, sumhin' she dis et times a' crisis ur confusion; she wisnae quite shair whit category aw ris full unner bit kent fine it wis wan ur ri urr, ur mibbes baith.
“I can assure you your girls will be well looked after, Mr Zkowen,” says ri heid Yank, “and they'll be with girls from similar backgrounds to their own. We've already signed two girls from Glasgow and another from Troon. Plus, we also have two more to assess in Kilbirnie.”
“Yis waant tae take ma weans aff me an' take rum tae a furrin' country,” says Tattie. “Help us oot here, Tina. Yuv no says nuhin' only dae yis take sugar 'n' mulk.”
“Luk it ri weans' faces, Tattie. Wi need tae aw sit doon is a faimly and talk aw ris through birrit's an awfy guid oapurtunity fur rum, so it is.”
Tattie's heid wis birlin' wi' it bit ri Yanks wis awfy awfy patient wi' 'um, so they wis, nearly four 'oors worth a' patience; Tina wis in real danger a' runnin' oot a' tea.
It wis decidit tae sleep oan it bit Tattie kent fine 'e widnae sleep a wink fur 'hinkin' aboot it. Ri delegation wis oan its wye oot ri door whin Owen rolled up wi' Kjerstin. The weans wis aw ower Kjerstin lit rey ay wis an' Tattie wis runnin' ri entire scenario by Owen. Kjerstin jine't rum et ri table an' scan't ri brochures; ri weans folayed 'ur. “Girruls,” she says, grabbin' evrub'dys attention, “you must go to California......you must, do yous hear me?”
Tattie couldnae believe whit 'e wis hearin' bit 'e wis ri furst tae fun 'es vice. “Whit makes ye say rat, Kjerstin hen?”
“Weel,” she says, “it's jeest so's me an' oor Owen kin go ower an' visit rum.”
Rey aw laughed ri bit doon et rat an' even Wee Jinky furgoat 'es woes furra meenit tae jine in. Ri discussion caried oan intae ri night, rurr wis nae immediate hurry fur a decision bit Tattie waantit tae cover aw ri bases; wan e' ri Yanks hid says rat earlier an' it fittit in wi' ri wye 'e wis 'hinkin'.
Ri weans hid summer joabs; Bonnie et ri wee indoor market sellin' pet accessories an' J J et ri big kennels. Wee Jinky hud tae huv a right guid sniff et rum whinivir rey gote hame 'cause rem places hid some intrestin' aromas aboot rum. Tina taen ri weans tae rur work ri nixt moarnin' ren drove ower tae Dalry tae tell Aggie aboot ris sudden bombshell development 'hing. She totally trustit 'ur Maw's instincts.
Tattie dun 'es hoosework an' made 'esel' ham 'n' eggs an' couldnae eat it. Wee Jinky turn't 'es nib up et ri bacon bit perked up whin Tattie pit e's dug walkin' shoes oan.
Rey went a different road, Tattie waantit a guid 'hink tae 'esel' sae rey wint ower roon' bey ri graveyerd an up tewards ri reservoir; 'e didnae even take 'es ipod wi' 'um.
A fulla swished by oan a puushbike, 'e hud a fishin' rod ower 'es shooder. Wee Jinky stertit grumlin' an' Tattie turn't roon' jeest in time tae seee ri fulla's mongrel aboot tae take a bite oot e' ri wee dug. Jinky showed it 'es teeth and Tattie gote atween rum and ri ugly mongrel geid it up is a bad joab. Ri fulla oan ri bike stoped tae let 'es dug catch up an' Tattie held 'es tongue, 'e hid been fur tellin' 'um tae keep better control e' 'es dug. Did ri 'hing no' gae intae a crouch whin it cote 'um up an' did ri fulla no jeest lea' it lyin' rerr in ri middle e' ri fitpath? “Haw you,” shoutit Tattie, “ you no' gonnae pick rat up, ya durty ignorant bastart ye?”
Ri fulla geid Tattie ri fingers an' caried oan wi' ri peddlin'. Tattie wis incensed, bit calm't doon whin 'e seen ri fulla rest 'es bike against ri fence an' trudge acroas ri field tae ri reservoir.
Wee Jinky wis wunnerin' tae 'esel' is tae whye Tattie should be pickin' up anurr dug's shite bit 'e grin't a mile wide whin 'es lord an' maistur coatit ri saddle an' ri haunulbors e' ri bastart's bike wi ri stuff. Rat wid learn ri durty ignorant bastart, right enuff.
Tattie prepped ri dinner ren sat doon furranurr swatch et ri brochures. 'E wis oan ri back-shift an' widnae likely see ri weans later oan. 'E fun 'esel' et ri computer researchin' intae it a bit mair, kennin' fine weel 'es weans wid jeest love it awrerr; it wis an awfy attractive oafur an' nae mistake.
Is 'e made up 'es piece fur work, Tattie seen Wee Jinky huvin' a nibble et 'es dinner. Ri wee dug hid realised Tattie hid reached sumhin' e' a decision aboot recent events an' kent weel rurr wis nuhin' 'e could dae ur say tae chinge 'es mind; bit rat didnae stope 'um fae worryin' aboot it.
Tattie taen Wee Jinky roon' ri park afore tellin' 'um tae keep an eye oan ri hoose; pairt e' 'es usual adios afore 'e went tae 'es work.
Rurr wis a sheaf a' forms an' a big notice near ri cloakin' oan cloak, announcin' a voluntary redundancy scheme fur omb'dy intrestit; Tattie foldit wan an' pirrit in 'es overalls poakit. 'E fun a pen an' fil't ri form in whin rur wis naeb'dy in ri loakur room ren pirrit in ri boax providit; decidin' 'e wis seek an' scunner't wi' ri joab.
Considerin' rese 'hings is s'pos't tae bey private, ri news wis aw ower ri shope flair bey furst brek tum. Dart Agnew, wan e' ri apprentices, wan e' ri seevin Musketeers rit didnae ken ony better, pul't 'um up aboot it is 'e wis aboot tae bite intae a coarned beef, mustard an' ingion piece.
“'Zat right whit rurr sayin', Tattie man? Yur flingin' ri towel in an jumpin' ship oan is?”
Clarry Fry jumped in tae shut ri boye up bit Tattie geid 'um ri noad tae lerrit be. “Fed up wi' ri pishin' loat e' yis,” 'e says, pittin' 'es piece back doon oan ri tin foil. “Ah'll yais ri redundancy dosh tae buy intae oor Owen's shope an' work wi' him; ah'll mibbes get mair peace rerr rin a get aff yous fullas.”
“Twinty year,” says Clarry, “rat's a fair aul' whack yir luckin' et thair, man. Guid luck tae ye.”
Wan ur two mair says ri same 'hing an' ri subject quickly chinged tae whitiver pish rey hid been watchin' oan ri telly. Tattie wis jeest gled tae get 'es piece in peace.
Ringo Sparr, ri foreman, cried Tattie intae ri oaffice efter ri dinner brek. 'E wisnae happy. “Yur ri best worker ah'v gote oot rerr, Tattie. Whittur ye tryin' tae dae tae me here, son?”
“Haud oan rerr a wee meenit, Ringo,” says Tattie indignantly, “a'm ri best worker yiv gote bit a'm no' guid enough fur ri promotion tae chairge-haun'? Too much cairy oan in ma heid fur rat kinna responsibility, ye says rurr month rerr.”
“A'm bettin' ye huvnae anurr joab line't up, Tattie. Um a right ur um a right?”
“A widnae take yur money aff ye, Ringo. Yur no' a bad yin fur management bit ye'd loas yur dough wi' rat bet. Ah'v git oaptions ye widnae believe, so a huv.”
“Sae yur workin' a foartnights' notice, is rat ri wye e' it?”
“A'm workin three an' a hauf days notice, Ringo man. Yis owe me hoalidays, so yis dae. In fact, a'm takin' a hauf a day noo. A'm gaun tae pit ma weans tae bed, so am ur, an' you're gonnae cover it fur me. Ur ye awright wi' rat.?”
“Nae borr, Tattie man,” says Ringo, oaffurin' 'es haun', “ guid luck tae ye, ma freen'.”
“Ur ye no' weel, Tattie?” says Tina whin 'e walked in ri door. “Yur hame awfy early, so ye ur.”
“Right is rain, Tina doll. Whit did yur murr huv tae say aboot ris cairy oan?”
“Greetin' ri bit doon whin a left 'ur, so she wis, bit she's jeest aff ri phone wi' ri weans an rey says she wis cool. She wis tellin' rum tae git sign't up afore ri Yanks chinge rurr minds.”
“Wait tae she hears whit ah'v gote tae say, hen, pendin' a' coorse oan ri ootcome 'e wur nixt faimly pow-wow.”
“No' shair a like ri sound e' rat, Tattie. Bit ah'll no' puush ye tae wur aw rigithur. Ri weans is oot wi' Wee Jinky sae ru'll no' bey long. Cup a' tea?”
“Aye, go fur it, hen. Rat'll bey great.”
Rur wisnae a brochure in sight whin rey aw git roon' ri table. Insteed, Tattie went tae 'es CD drawer, ri wan naeb'dy wis tae go near oan pain a' daith, an' brung oot ri notebook e' hid been writin' in earlier oan. Wee Jinky hud a drink an' went tae 'es bed bit 'e hid wan ear coked tae huv a listen.
“A'm gonnae say ma bit 'n' ren yous kin pick it tae bits, OK?”
Tina an' ri weans noadi't in unison.
“If ma weans ur gaun' tae Califoarnya, rur no' gaun' withoot rur aul' faithir.”
J J pit 'ur haun' up lit she wis et ri skill an' Tattie motion't furrur tae pirrit doon. “Ask aw ri questions ye waant whin ah'v done, ma wee darlin'. Jeest let is git ris aff ma chist. A dun a wee bit a' research ris moarnin' whin a hud a meenit. A gote ri heid Yank oan ri blower an' score't masel' a paseetion is chaperone tae ri Scoatish lassies rit's gin ower rerr tae play kickba', make rum feel a wee bit mair et hame, ken? Onywyes, 'e thote it wis a gallus idea an' wunner't how comes ri didnae 'hink e' it rursels. Rurr's still a few wee kinks tae bey irn't oot bit nuhin' majur. Ri joab comes wi' a hoose an' a cor an' hunnurs a' perks bit ah'll spare yis ri details fur noo. Ah'v taen voluntary redundancy et thone place et ri tap e' ri hill an' rat's ri only 'hing uv dun oan impulse. Ri rest e' it's aw been thote through. If it turns oot wi don't go a kin ay work wi' oor Owen.......Right ladies.....fire away.”
Rur wis an initial silence, ren rey aw stertit in et wance't; Tina pul't rank oan ri weans. “Yuv noaked is fur a sixer thair, Tattie,” she says, still obviously luckin' fur ri right words bit rat hid nivir stoped 'ur afore. “Yuv dun aw rat ri day an no' a wurd tae naeb'dy, eh?”
“You wis ower et Aggie's an' ri weans wis et rurr work sae a git stuck in roonaboot it, Tina doll. A kin tell yur awfy impressed, um a right?”
“Mibbes....a'm mair shoke't, tae bey honist, bit ah'll let ye ken mair whin uv git aw ri facts.”
“Whit wi gonnae dae wi' Wee Jinky, Daddy?” says Bonnie. “'E wisnae quotit in yur wee speech ataw.”
Wee Jinky jump't fae 'es bed lit sumb'dy hid flung a pail a' watter ower 'um; 'e wantit tae make shair 'e cote ris.
“Passport,” says Tattie triumphantly. “Ah'll see Javeed aboot fixin' 'um up wi' 'es ain wee pet passport. Ma research tells me 'e'll only bey withoot is furrafoartnight an' wu'll get tae see 'um et ri quarantine kennels sae 'e kens w'ur aboot ri place.”
Wee Jinky wis waggin' 'es wee tail aff et rat, so 'e wis. Mibbes et ri thote a' huvin' 'es ain passport.
“My,” says J J, 'ur airms foldit acroas 'ur chist lit she wis talkin' ower ri fence tae ri neeburs, “ye mibbe 'hink yuv thote e' ev'ryhin', Daddy, bit whit aboot ma Maw?”
“Ah'v hud a wee 'hink aboot rat tae, ma wee hen, nae stane left unnturn't wi' me, ye ken, 'n' uv fun sumhin' yer Maw'll bey jeest fine et. Ony mair tea in rat poat, Tina doll? Ah'v an awfy thurst, so a huv.”
Tina didnae move in wis aboot tae jump in wi' anurr question whin Owen an' Kjerstin landit oan rum. Owen hud hauf a dozen rid tins wi' 'um. Ri weans wis up gettin' Kjerstin et ri dancin' 'n' tellin' 'ur aboot ri latest developments. Owen coat ri jist e' it an' hud tae huv a sate. Tina pit ri kettle oan an' rey aw sat roon' ri table so's ri tale could bey tel't again fae ri stert. Tattie gote 'esel' a rid tin an' sat back while ri weans went et it wi' a relish; ri story, no' ri rid tin.
“Whirraboot ri hoose?” says Owen. “Yis'll no' kin lea' it lyin' empty whin yis'r ower thair.”
“Wu'll sell it,” says Tattie wi' a shrug, “an' wu'll kin pick an' choose whinivir wi git back, a'm shair.”
“Oor Owen'll buy it aff yis,” says Kjerstin. “ 'Es ay sayin' ha much 'e likes ris hoose, so 'e is. Keep it in ri faimly.” She wis fair getting' a haunul oan ri lingo.
Tina hid a worrit look tae 'ur coupon an J J pic't up oan it. “Daddy,” she says wi' 'ur wee serious heid oan, “yuv no' tel't is whirrit is ma Maw'll bey dain' ower in Califoarnya.”
“Ach, wee hen,” says Tattie, “rat wis ri easiest bit e' ri puzzle fur me. Wi aw ken whit yir Maw's guid et, dain't wi?”
“Ye mean cleanin' an' irnin' an' drivin' is aboot, Daddy?” says Bonnie.
“Naw, hen, rem's yur Maw's hoabies, so rey ur. Whit ah'v gote in mind furrur takes a real skill an' an awfy loat a' dedication.”
“Yuv loast me rerr, Daddy.”
“'Hink aboot it, hen,” says Tattie, pausin' fur effect, “......huv yis no' seen ri cairy oan 'e 'ur whin yis ur playin' kickba'?...........Yir Maw's gonnae bey a Cheerleader.”
Ri hale hoose wis in uproar wi' evrub'dy howlin' wi' laughter an' Wee Jinky jine't in bey barkin' ri bit doon. Ri wee fulla likes a guid laugh, so 'e dis.
Ri hoose didnae faw quait tae aboot three in ri moarnin'. Kjerstin wis in Bonnie's room 'cause Owen wis tae bey et a trade fair early bit ri weans didnae let 'ur get tae 'ur kip tae rey hid ran oot a' puff. Tattie 'n' Tina heard it aw gin oan an' marvelled et how rey aw git oan ri gither. Tina says she wisnae tired, which wis usually ri signal fur Tattie tae jump oan 'ur bones bit she jeest waantit tae talk. Is luck wid huv it, Tattie wis happy tae listen. 'E hid taen ri bull bey ri hoarns earlier an' wis mair surpris't thin 'e let oan aboot 'es faimly's reaction; aboot Tina's reaction, in particular, bit ri wummin nivir ceased tae amaze 'um, she wis wan in a million. Rey wis fur America, ri four e' rum,
…..ri five e' rum, an' Aggie wis up fur drappin' in whin ri mood taen 'ur; rey wis only a day awa' whin aw wis said an' done.
Tina wrapped 'ersel' roon' Tattie, she hid loats tae say tae 'um bit she kep it simple fur noo. “Yir a lovely lovely man, Tattie Zkowen,” she says.
“A ken, hen,” says Tattie, hauf asleep, “an' a jeest git lovelier an' lovelier, so a dae.”
“A cannae bulieve a'm gonnae bey a Cheerleader,” says Tina.
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has written a poetry collection and several novels, two of which, The Reader and Violet Hiccup have been published by Black Leaf Publishing.