Pet-gilante
by Glenn Muir
Genre: Crime/Mystery
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: This is what might happen if animal rights activists got radicalised and started to take the law into their own hands.
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: This is what might happen if animal rights activists got radicalised and started to take the law into their own hands.
“We
are the voice of those who cannot speak for themselves. We are the law givers,
the punishers of the guilty.” The posters had startit tae appear on lampposts
all over the toon. Naebody knew what they were meant to be aboot, at first. At
first people assumed it was something tae dae wi Jehovah’s Witnesses or the
Hare Krishna mob, maist folk didnae gi’e the notices a second glance, in fact
few even gi’ed them a first glance. All
that changed when the murders startit.
The first victim was fund face doon in the Union Canal, the cause o death wis drooning, of course, but he had been rendered unconscious by a hefty blow to the back o his heid. The Polis were perplexed, he was a petty criminal but an unlikely murder victim. Small time burglar Jake McAloon’s most recent brush with the law was actually a cruelty case brought by S.S.P.C.A.
His mother, Sadie, was the toon’s “Crazy Cat Wifie”, yin o they animal hoarders . Forty-three cats and kittens she had in her twa bedroom council hoose. A “concerned” neebour had reportit her tae the S.S.P.C.A. Unfortunately for Jake, Sadie let the inspectors intae the hoose whilst he wis droonin kittens in a bucket and he wis caught rid handit. The Sheriff jist fined Jake three hunner quid and banned him frae keeping animals for ten year, it wis covered in the coort pages o the local rag. Three days efter the paper came oot Jake McAloon wis broon breid.
The second victim, an eighteen year old called Harry Reid, was fund in the wids pinned tae a tree wi a crossbow bolt through his hert. Nae trace o the crossbow was ever fund but there wis a deid dug lying next tae the deceased. The springer spaniel had been tied up and shot several times wi a crossbow. According tae Harry Reid’s parents, he owned a crossbow and often went intae the wids tae practice wi it. The theory thePolis cam up wi wis like this. Harry Reid wis a cruel wee bastard and stole the dug tae use it as a live target, unfortunately for him he wis seen by a person or persons unknown who grabbed his weapon and executed him wi it there and then.
The Polis noo had twa murders tae investigate, twa stiffs in the space o a fortnicht, unheard o roond these pairts. Noo the Polis are thick as shite in a boattle and couldnae see that the murders were connectit, it wisnae until murder number three came along that they had that eureka moment.
Life had become a bit boring since the local branch of the hunt saboteurs disbanded. We had become obsolete with the ban on hunting with dogs in Scotland. Of course I wis gled that there wis nae mair organised hunts but I did miss the camaraderie and the chance tae rough up some o they dicks in the rid coats. I still kept in touch wi some o my fellow saboteurs, some o us went awa tae an activists Summer camp doon in the Borders, Big Brenda, Wee Shooie and masel.
Big Brenda wis exactly whit it said on the tin, she wis big. Six fit three, broon hair, blue een and lookin like a tall,fat Jackie Bird. Wee Shooie wis, whit ma auld mither used tae call, a bauchle but whit he lacked in inches he made up for in glaikitness.
Ye could say that we had become radicalised, we became frontline sodjers in the animal rights movement. When we got back hame we startit tae coordinate oor efforts. We decided no tae conduct onie o oor business on social media. We werenae daft, the likes o Facebook wis ok for finding oot whit the bad guys were up tae but we certainly werenae gaunie say tae the Polis “here we are come and get us”. When ye get richt doon tae it, the posters were a bit pointless. I jist went alang wi it because it wis Big Brenda’s idea and she could be quite the psycho at times. Luckily for us, naebody paid onie attention tae Wee Shooie sticking up the notices.
As I wis saying the Polis were a bit slow on the uptake and it wis only efter the third execution (we didnae call them murders) that they realised there wis an animal cruelty angle.
Wee Shooie had been designated tae sort oot Jake MacAloon. Easy-peasie, followed the wee fanny along the canal efter closing time, wallop, splash, end of story.
The theory the rozzers had aboot Harry Reid wis spot on, by the way. Unluckily for him we three were oot in the wids for a daunder, we cam across him jist efter he had shot the dug. Big Brenda wis incensed, Harry Reid had nae chance. He wis shitting himsel and greetin as we gagged him and tied him tae the tree. Brenda had a mad gleam in her een as she fired the crossbow, Harry jist aboot swallowed the sweaty sock we had gagged him wi as he twitched his last twitch. Tae be on the safe side, we took the crossbow awa and dismantled it, the widden bits were burned and metal sections were melted doon at the scrapyaird whaur Wee Shooie worked.
Number three wis definitely a nasty piece o work and deserved tae be executed. He certainly shouldnae hae pit that post up on YouTube, that wis jist pure wicked. I willnae go intae the details o whit he did tae that puir dug. Ye are nae daft, ye’ll hae maybe worked it oot a’ready that the punishments we meted oot tended tae fit the crimes. That wis doon tae Big Brenda being a Gilbert and Sullivan fan and the Mikado being her favourite example o their work.
Freddie Maxwell wis a total smackheid, permanently oot o his face on whitever illegal substance he cuid get his hauns on. He wisnae above robbery wi violence when it come tae getting the dosh for his addictions, ye cuid say that mugging grannies wis his main recreational pursuit. He wis easy tae track doon and bundling him intae the back o Wee Shooie’s work’s van wis a dawdle. He wisnae quite compis mentis when we shoved him intae the van due tae the drugs. By the time we tied him tae the tree he wis wide awake. There wis a bit o defiance and bravado at first.
“Whit yooz daen? See when Ah get yez, yez are dead!”
This didnae last long, he literally wet himself when Big Brenda started tae unscrew the lid frae the five gallon can o petrol. By the time she had doused him wi the petrol he wis shaking and straining against the ropes. Once she struck the match Freddie Maxwell didnae hae much mair tae say. He wis well alight and screaming when we left him. We had tae get awa frae the scene pronto, somebody wis bound tae see the reek coming frae the wids and we had tae put as much distance between us and Freddie as possible.
As I wis saying, it wis at this point the Polis began tae realise there wis a connection between the victims. The tabloids started tae tak an interest, a psychotic serial killer wis jist whit they needit. The “Silly Season” had been slower than usual, this wid sell newspapers. “Pet-gilante Exclusive”, “Deranged Killer At Large”, that wis some o the headlines they cam up wi. Aye, I ken ye dinnae read the papers and ye probably think we are jist as bad as the likes o Freddie Maxwell and Harry Reid. That isnae how I see it, we only did bad stuff tae them because they deserved it.
Onie way, I am gled I’ve got you tae talk tae. I ken ye arenae a clipe. Even if ye were, wha is gaunie believe a budgie.
The first victim was fund face doon in the Union Canal, the cause o death wis drooning, of course, but he had been rendered unconscious by a hefty blow to the back o his heid. The Polis were perplexed, he was a petty criminal but an unlikely murder victim. Small time burglar Jake McAloon’s most recent brush with the law was actually a cruelty case brought by S.S.P.C.A.
His mother, Sadie, was the toon’s “Crazy Cat Wifie”, yin o they animal hoarders . Forty-three cats and kittens she had in her twa bedroom council hoose. A “concerned” neebour had reportit her tae the S.S.P.C.A. Unfortunately for Jake, Sadie let the inspectors intae the hoose whilst he wis droonin kittens in a bucket and he wis caught rid handit. The Sheriff jist fined Jake three hunner quid and banned him frae keeping animals for ten year, it wis covered in the coort pages o the local rag. Three days efter the paper came oot Jake McAloon wis broon breid.
The second victim, an eighteen year old called Harry Reid, was fund in the wids pinned tae a tree wi a crossbow bolt through his hert. Nae trace o the crossbow was ever fund but there wis a deid dug lying next tae the deceased. The springer spaniel had been tied up and shot several times wi a crossbow. According tae Harry Reid’s parents, he owned a crossbow and often went intae the wids tae practice wi it. The theory thePolis cam up wi wis like this. Harry Reid wis a cruel wee bastard and stole the dug tae use it as a live target, unfortunately for him he wis seen by a person or persons unknown who grabbed his weapon and executed him wi it there and then.
The Polis noo had twa murders tae investigate, twa stiffs in the space o a fortnicht, unheard o roond these pairts. Noo the Polis are thick as shite in a boattle and couldnae see that the murders were connectit, it wisnae until murder number three came along that they had that eureka moment.
Life had become a bit boring since the local branch of the hunt saboteurs disbanded. We had become obsolete with the ban on hunting with dogs in Scotland. Of course I wis gled that there wis nae mair organised hunts but I did miss the camaraderie and the chance tae rough up some o they dicks in the rid coats. I still kept in touch wi some o my fellow saboteurs, some o us went awa tae an activists Summer camp doon in the Borders, Big Brenda, Wee Shooie and masel.
Big Brenda wis exactly whit it said on the tin, she wis big. Six fit three, broon hair, blue een and lookin like a tall,fat Jackie Bird. Wee Shooie wis, whit ma auld mither used tae call, a bauchle but whit he lacked in inches he made up for in glaikitness.
Ye could say that we had become radicalised, we became frontline sodjers in the animal rights movement. When we got back hame we startit tae coordinate oor efforts. We decided no tae conduct onie o oor business on social media. We werenae daft, the likes o Facebook wis ok for finding oot whit the bad guys were up tae but we certainly werenae gaunie say tae the Polis “here we are come and get us”. When ye get richt doon tae it, the posters were a bit pointless. I jist went alang wi it because it wis Big Brenda’s idea and she could be quite the psycho at times. Luckily for us, naebody paid onie attention tae Wee Shooie sticking up the notices.
As I wis saying the Polis were a bit slow on the uptake and it wis only efter the third execution (we didnae call them murders) that they realised there wis an animal cruelty angle.
Wee Shooie had been designated tae sort oot Jake MacAloon. Easy-peasie, followed the wee fanny along the canal efter closing time, wallop, splash, end of story.
The theory the rozzers had aboot Harry Reid wis spot on, by the way. Unluckily for him we three were oot in the wids for a daunder, we cam across him jist efter he had shot the dug. Big Brenda wis incensed, Harry Reid had nae chance. He wis shitting himsel and greetin as we gagged him and tied him tae the tree. Brenda had a mad gleam in her een as she fired the crossbow, Harry jist aboot swallowed the sweaty sock we had gagged him wi as he twitched his last twitch. Tae be on the safe side, we took the crossbow awa and dismantled it, the widden bits were burned and metal sections were melted doon at the scrapyaird whaur Wee Shooie worked.
Number three wis definitely a nasty piece o work and deserved tae be executed. He certainly shouldnae hae pit that post up on YouTube, that wis jist pure wicked. I willnae go intae the details o whit he did tae that puir dug. Ye are nae daft, ye’ll hae maybe worked it oot a’ready that the punishments we meted oot tended tae fit the crimes. That wis doon tae Big Brenda being a Gilbert and Sullivan fan and the Mikado being her favourite example o their work.
Freddie Maxwell wis a total smackheid, permanently oot o his face on whitever illegal substance he cuid get his hauns on. He wisnae above robbery wi violence when it come tae getting the dosh for his addictions, ye cuid say that mugging grannies wis his main recreational pursuit. He wis easy tae track doon and bundling him intae the back o Wee Shooie’s work’s van wis a dawdle. He wisnae quite compis mentis when we shoved him intae the van due tae the drugs. By the time we tied him tae the tree he wis wide awake. There wis a bit o defiance and bravado at first.
“Whit yooz daen? See when Ah get yez, yez are dead!”
This didnae last long, he literally wet himself when Big Brenda started tae unscrew the lid frae the five gallon can o petrol. By the time she had doused him wi the petrol he wis shaking and straining against the ropes. Once she struck the match Freddie Maxwell didnae hae much mair tae say. He wis well alight and screaming when we left him. We had tae get awa frae the scene pronto, somebody wis bound tae see the reek coming frae the wids and we had tae put as much distance between us and Freddie as possible.
As I wis saying, it wis at this point the Polis began tae realise there wis a connection between the victims. The tabloids started tae tak an interest, a psychotic serial killer wis jist whit they needit. The “Silly Season” had been slower than usual, this wid sell newspapers. “Pet-gilante Exclusive”, “Deranged Killer At Large”, that wis some o the headlines they cam up wi. Aye, I ken ye dinnae read the papers and ye probably think we are jist as bad as the likes o Freddie Maxwell and Harry Reid. That isnae how I see it, we only did bad stuff tae them because they deserved it.
Onie way, I am gled I’ve got you tae talk tae. I ken ye arenae a clipe. Even if ye were, wha is gaunie believe a budgie.
About the Author
West Lothian-born Glenn Muir is a fiftysomething postman working in Linlithgow. Previously a member of the West Lothian Song Writers Group, he is now with Quill, a poetry and writing group based in Bathgate.