Ozsome
by Glenn Muir
Genre: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
Swearwords: None
Description: A parody-cum-satire of a semi-political nature, written in Scots and based on a familiar story with some weel kenned faces.
Swearwords: None
Description: A parody-cum-satire of a semi-political nature, written in Scots and based on a familiar story with some weel kenned faces.
Dorothy (a doppelganger o Nicola Sturgeon) and her wee dug Toto (a cairn terrier wi Kezia Dugdale’s heid) had jist landit in a queer colourfu’ land. It tuik them a wee while tae adjust, ye see, back hame ivrything had been in black and white.
They had been at Poll Tax Hoose tae pey her auntie’s council tax when it had been sooked up by a muckle tornado. Poll Tax Hoose eventually landit wi a crash in the Land o Oz, richt oan tap o The Wicked Witch o the West (a Maggie Thatcher lookalike) an kilt her stane deid.
Dorothy wis brocht uptae speed by Glinda the Guid Witch o the North (Winnie Ewing’s double, as it happens).
“Are ye a guid witch or a bad witch?” she speired.
Dorothy telt her that she wisnae a witch at aa.
“Weel, the Munchkins are fell gratefu’ for ye drappin thon hoose oan the Wicked Witch o the West. Here, ye better pit oan her magic tartan baffies.”
Jist as Glinda magicked the baffies oan tae Dorothy’s feet, the Wicked Witch o the East appeared. She lookit awfie like yon Theresa May bint. She wis gey pit oot aboot Dorothy getting the magic tartan baffies and wis aa for sorting her oot, but Glinda telt her tae bugger aff, which she did.
Dorothy wis jist wantin tae get hame tae Scotland. Glinda telt her that she shuid gang tae the Emerald City whaur The Wizard o Oz wid aiblins help her oot.
“Aa ye hiv tae dae is follie the Yella Brick Highroad,” Glinda said.
Sae withoot further ado aff she went alang the Yella Brick Highroad. She wis cheered by hunners an hunners o Munchkins (a race o twa fit Ruth Davidson clones).
Leaving Glinda and the Munchkins faur ahint, Dorothy traipsed for miles alang the Yella Brick Highroad. Her and Toto nivir met anither leevin sowel until they cam tae a crossroads. Noo Dorothy wis fair flummoxed and no shair whit wey tae gang. Luckily there wis a freenly Tattie Bogle staunin in an adjacent field. He didnae hae onie brains, Dorothy kenned this jist by luikin at him (onie yin wha luiked sae much like Jim Murphy wis shair tae be glaikit, she thocht).
Dorothy says tae him, “ If ye chum me alang tae the Emerald City, aiblins the Wizard o Oz’ll gie ye some brains.”
“That wid be fabbie,” he replied.
Dorothy helped the Tattie Bogle doon frae the irn bru crate he wis balanced oan and aff they went thegither heidin for the Emerald City.
By this time Dorothy wis fair stervin, she hadnae etten since the fish supper she had afore arriving in Oz. She noticed a wheen o aipple trees growin by the Yella Brick Highroad and went tae pick a couple. The aipple tree wisnae likin this at aa and slapped her haun awa.
“Och, Dorothy, ye dinnae want tae eat they aipples, they are likely fu o worms,” the Tattie Bogle telt her.
At this pynt the tree stertit tae fling aipples at the Tattie Bogle. He gied a wee lauch and haundit a couple o aipples tae Dorothy, “Ah wis jist kidding aboot the worms.”
Eftir a mile or twa they cam across a Tin Man wha had got roostit in the rain. Dorothy fund some ile an iled his jynts and then he wis fine. They learnt that the Tin Man didnae hae a hert, Dorothy had jaloused this, of course, oniebody wha luiked sae much like George Osbourne wisnae likely tae hae a hert.
“Come alang wi us tae the Emerald City an see if the Wizard o Oz’ll gie ye a hert,” says Dorothy. “Tattie Bogle is eftir some brains and me an Toto is trying tae get hame tae Scotland.”
“Aye, coont me in,” the Tin Man replied.
No lang eftir the Tin Man had jined them, theYella Brick Highroad meandered intae the wids. They were a bit feart that there micht be wild animals living there that cuid attack them. Aa at yince there wis a lood roar frae the wids and this muckle lion cam bounding oot. He made a bee-line for Toto. This wis owre much for Dorothy, she went straucht up tae the lion and skelpit him richt on the kisser. Noo, somebody that looked sae much like Boris Johnson deserved a slap (even if he hadnae went for Toto).
“Oh ya! That wis fell sair, it isnae bliddin is it?” the lion whimpered, shaking like a badly set jelly.
“Och, yer jist a big feartie, ah thocht lions wis supposed tae be brave,” Dorothy said.
“Yer richt, hen, ah’m the exception, ah hivnae an unce o courage an ah dinnae ken whaur tae fund onie,” the Lion replied
“Dorothy,” says the Tattie Bogle, “aiblins the Wizard’ll gie him some courage, if he asks.”
“Aye,” the Tin Man nodded. “Come alang wi us, the mair the merrier.”
Sae it wis decidit, the Cowardly Lion wid jine them and gang alang the Yella Brick Highroad tae The Emerald City.
Afore lang they got oot the wids. The kintra opened up an they caught a glimpse o The Emerald City in the distance. At this pynt the road wis surroondit wi fields o reid poppies. The Wicked Witch o the East cast a spell oan them an they aa fell asleep in the scorchin sun. The Witch wis still eftir the magic tartan baffies an thocht she wid be able tae pauchle them when Dorothy an her pals were aa snoozing. Luckily, Glinda wis keepin an ee oan things an sent some magic snaw tae waukin Dorothy an her chums.
They managed tae get tae the gates o The Emerald City withoot further ado. When they got there the guards werenae wantin tae let them in, they seemed tae think that they wis economic migrants or something. Onieway, Dorothy turned oan the waterworks and the guards (wha couldnae thole aa the greetin) jist lit them aa in.
Eventually they were grantit an audience wi the Wizard o Oz (a deid ringer for Alex Salmond, as it happens). He wisnae really a wizard at aa, as it turned oot. He telt the Tattie Bogle, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion that thir problems wis aa in thir ain heids.
He haundit the Tattie Bogle a fake diploma frae the Ulanbator Uni. “This certifies ye as super brainy.” he said.
The Tattie Bogle wis fair chuffed and stertit daen the Sudoku in “The Emerald City Times”.
The Wizard then haundit a citation tae the Tin Man, commending him for his philanthropy. He immediately volunteered tae work in The Emerald City Foodbank and help the destitute and hameless.
Next wis the Cowardly Lion. The Wizard gied him a wheen o medals (jist like the yins that members o the British aristocracy wear at state occasions). A feartie na mair, he headed back tae his native wids tae sort oot aa the ither lions wha had been bullying him of late.
“Ye willnae fix ma problem wi fake diplomas, citations or medals,” says Dorothy.
“Nae probs, hen, ma pal Branson is gien us a len o his hot air balloon tae get us baith hame tae Scotland. Aye, ahm frae there tae.”
Dorothy, the Wizard and Toto aa clambered intae the basket o the balloon and up they went. As the balloon rapidly gained hecht, the Wicked Witch o The East appeared frae oot o the cloods. She wis determined tae get the magic tartan baffies and stertit tae dive bomb the balloon oan her broomstick, cackling awa like a daftie.
Dorothy decidit tae lit her have them . As the Witch swooped doon Dorothy flung the baffies at her. Yin clipped the rear on the broomstick causing it tae gang intae a tailspin. There wis a loud “Arrggghh” as the Wicked Witch o The East plummeted tae her daith. The Wizard and Dorothy did a ”High Five” and whooped wi delicht at this turn o events.
Soon eftir, they fund themsel in amongst some turbulence. The basket o the balloon got detached frae the rest o it and rapidly plunged doon tae earth,”Thud!”
Nicola Sturgeon woke up wi a start, wiping her broo wi the sleeve o her saltire design onesie. It had been a dream eftir aa.
They had been at Poll Tax Hoose tae pey her auntie’s council tax when it had been sooked up by a muckle tornado. Poll Tax Hoose eventually landit wi a crash in the Land o Oz, richt oan tap o The Wicked Witch o the West (a Maggie Thatcher lookalike) an kilt her stane deid.
Dorothy wis brocht uptae speed by Glinda the Guid Witch o the North (Winnie Ewing’s double, as it happens).
“Are ye a guid witch or a bad witch?” she speired.
Dorothy telt her that she wisnae a witch at aa.
“Weel, the Munchkins are fell gratefu’ for ye drappin thon hoose oan the Wicked Witch o the West. Here, ye better pit oan her magic tartan baffies.”
Jist as Glinda magicked the baffies oan tae Dorothy’s feet, the Wicked Witch o the East appeared. She lookit awfie like yon Theresa May bint. She wis gey pit oot aboot Dorothy getting the magic tartan baffies and wis aa for sorting her oot, but Glinda telt her tae bugger aff, which she did.
Dorothy wis jist wantin tae get hame tae Scotland. Glinda telt her that she shuid gang tae the Emerald City whaur The Wizard o Oz wid aiblins help her oot.
“Aa ye hiv tae dae is follie the Yella Brick Highroad,” Glinda said.
Sae withoot further ado aff she went alang the Yella Brick Highroad. She wis cheered by hunners an hunners o Munchkins (a race o twa fit Ruth Davidson clones).
Leaving Glinda and the Munchkins faur ahint, Dorothy traipsed for miles alang the Yella Brick Highroad. Her and Toto nivir met anither leevin sowel until they cam tae a crossroads. Noo Dorothy wis fair flummoxed and no shair whit wey tae gang. Luckily there wis a freenly Tattie Bogle staunin in an adjacent field. He didnae hae onie brains, Dorothy kenned this jist by luikin at him (onie yin wha luiked sae much like Jim Murphy wis shair tae be glaikit, she thocht).
Dorothy says tae him, “ If ye chum me alang tae the Emerald City, aiblins the Wizard o Oz’ll gie ye some brains.”
“That wid be fabbie,” he replied.
Dorothy helped the Tattie Bogle doon frae the irn bru crate he wis balanced oan and aff they went thegither heidin for the Emerald City.
By this time Dorothy wis fair stervin, she hadnae etten since the fish supper she had afore arriving in Oz. She noticed a wheen o aipple trees growin by the Yella Brick Highroad and went tae pick a couple. The aipple tree wisnae likin this at aa and slapped her haun awa.
“Och, Dorothy, ye dinnae want tae eat they aipples, they are likely fu o worms,” the Tattie Bogle telt her.
At this pynt the tree stertit tae fling aipples at the Tattie Bogle. He gied a wee lauch and haundit a couple o aipples tae Dorothy, “Ah wis jist kidding aboot the worms.”
Eftir a mile or twa they cam across a Tin Man wha had got roostit in the rain. Dorothy fund some ile an iled his jynts and then he wis fine. They learnt that the Tin Man didnae hae a hert, Dorothy had jaloused this, of course, oniebody wha luiked sae much like George Osbourne wisnae likely tae hae a hert.
“Come alang wi us tae the Emerald City an see if the Wizard o Oz’ll gie ye a hert,” says Dorothy. “Tattie Bogle is eftir some brains and me an Toto is trying tae get hame tae Scotland.”
“Aye, coont me in,” the Tin Man replied.
No lang eftir the Tin Man had jined them, theYella Brick Highroad meandered intae the wids. They were a bit feart that there micht be wild animals living there that cuid attack them. Aa at yince there wis a lood roar frae the wids and this muckle lion cam bounding oot. He made a bee-line for Toto. This wis owre much for Dorothy, she went straucht up tae the lion and skelpit him richt on the kisser. Noo, somebody that looked sae much like Boris Johnson deserved a slap (even if he hadnae went for Toto).
“Oh ya! That wis fell sair, it isnae bliddin is it?” the lion whimpered, shaking like a badly set jelly.
“Och, yer jist a big feartie, ah thocht lions wis supposed tae be brave,” Dorothy said.
“Yer richt, hen, ah’m the exception, ah hivnae an unce o courage an ah dinnae ken whaur tae fund onie,” the Lion replied
“Dorothy,” says the Tattie Bogle, “aiblins the Wizard’ll gie him some courage, if he asks.”
“Aye,” the Tin Man nodded. “Come alang wi us, the mair the merrier.”
Sae it wis decidit, the Cowardly Lion wid jine them and gang alang the Yella Brick Highroad tae The Emerald City.
Afore lang they got oot the wids. The kintra opened up an they caught a glimpse o The Emerald City in the distance. At this pynt the road wis surroondit wi fields o reid poppies. The Wicked Witch o the East cast a spell oan them an they aa fell asleep in the scorchin sun. The Witch wis still eftir the magic tartan baffies an thocht she wid be able tae pauchle them when Dorothy an her pals were aa snoozing. Luckily, Glinda wis keepin an ee oan things an sent some magic snaw tae waukin Dorothy an her chums.
They managed tae get tae the gates o The Emerald City withoot further ado. When they got there the guards werenae wantin tae let them in, they seemed tae think that they wis economic migrants or something. Onieway, Dorothy turned oan the waterworks and the guards (wha couldnae thole aa the greetin) jist lit them aa in.
Eventually they were grantit an audience wi the Wizard o Oz (a deid ringer for Alex Salmond, as it happens). He wisnae really a wizard at aa, as it turned oot. He telt the Tattie Bogle, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion that thir problems wis aa in thir ain heids.
He haundit the Tattie Bogle a fake diploma frae the Ulanbator Uni. “This certifies ye as super brainy.” he said.
The Tattie Bogle wis fair chuffed and stertit daen the Sudoku in “The Emerald City Times”.
The Wizard then haundit a citation tae the Tin Man, commending him for his philanthropy. He immediately volunteered tae work in The Emerald City Foodbank and help the destitute and hameless.
Next wis the Cowardly Lion. The Wizard gied him a wheen o medals (jist like the yins that members o the British aristocracy wear at state occasions). A feartie na mair, he headed back tae his native wids tae sort oot aa the ither lions wha had been bullying him of late.
“Ye willnae fix ma problem wi fake diplomas, citations or medals,” says Dorothy.
“Nae probs, hen, ma pal Branson is gien us a len o his hot air balloon tae get us baith hame tae Scotland. Aye, ahm frae there tae.”
Dorothy, the Wizard and Toto aa clambered intae the basket o the balloon and up they went. As the balloon rapidly gained hecht, the Wicked Witch o The East appeared frae oot o the cloods. She wis determined tae get the magic tartan baffies and stertit tae dive bomb the balloon oan her broomstick, cackling awa like a daftie.
Dorothy decidit tae lit her have them . As the Witch swooped doon Dorothy flung the baffies at her. Yin clipped the rear on the broomstick causing it tae gang intae a tailspin. There wis a loud “Arrggghh” as the Wicked Witch o The East plummeted tae her daith. The Wizard and Dorothy did a ”High Five” and whooped wi delicht at this turn o events.
Soon eftir, they fund themsel in amongst some turbulence. The basket o the balloon got detached frae the rest o it and rapidly plunged doon tae earth,”Thud!”
Nicola Sturgeon woke up wi a start, wiping her broo wi the sleeve o her saltire design onesie. It had been a dream eftir aa.
About the Author
West Lothian-born Glenn Muir is a fiftysomething postman working in Linlithgow. Previously a member of the West Lothian Song Writers Group, he is now with Quill, a poetry and writing group based in Bathgate.