Manners
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: They do say manners maketh the man, but not very often round where I come from.
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Click-click-click. “Haw Jim! Wur ready tae oardur ower here whin yur right. Here, whirry ye dain' luckin' unner ri table?”
“A thote sumbdy'd brung a dug in is aw. Whit's wi' ri snappin' ri fingurs ren?”
“Rat's tae get yur attention so it is. A seen it oan a fillum wan tum.”
“You wis in here last week wisn't ye?”
“A nivir seen you.”
“Rat's 'cos a wis in ri kitchin. Birruv a'd been in here ye widnae a' gote served.”
“How's rat, pal?”
“Furra stert, a'm no yur pal. A hud tae sen' wan e' ma waitresses hame eftur you upset 'ur wi' yur ignorance an' yur arrogance. Yur lucky a wis a man doon in ri kitchin ur a'd a' been oot tae ye ren.”
“A don't need tae take ris pish fae you, pal. Is ris a restaurant, ur whit? An' am a no' a customer, an' is ri customer no' always right?”
“No' whin ye treat ma staff lit shite yur no'. An' a'll no' tell ye again, a'm no' yur pal.”
“A waant anur waiter,” click-click-click, “haw, doll! Get yur erse ower here, wull ye.”
“Jeest gerroot, Jim. Yur attitude disnae fit in wi' how wey dae 'hings roon here. A ken yur tryin' tae impress ri wee burd rer bit she disnae luk too chuffed wi' ye eethur. Here, a'm shair ye could dae better fur yersel' rin ris numptie, hen.”
“Get me ri manager. A'm no' bein' talked tae lit ris.”
“Yur luckin' et 'um.”
“A'm gin ower your heid aboot ris pal. A'v nivir been sa insultit in aw ma puff, so a'v no'.”
“Jeest take yur custom elsewhair, Jim. Yur no' welcome in here.”
“Bit, ris is r'only dacent restaurant in ri area so it is.”
“An' irrul bey a helluva lote mair salubrious withoot you onywhair near it.”
“A'm gonnae kick up a fair birra stoor aboot ris so u'm ur. Yuv no' heard ri last e' ris, pal, no' bey a long chalk.”
“A kin kick up stoor tae, Jim. Mibbes enough rit yur wife'll get tae hear aboot it, eh? Hur rit wis in wi' ye last week? Oh, did ye no' ken 'e wis a mairrit man, hen, an' a foul moothed, ignorant wanker e' a choob tae boot? Lit a says afore, a guid luckin' wee burd lit yursel could dae a lote better fur 'ursel'.”
“C'mon, doll. We're oot a' here. Shift yer erse wull ye, wu'll need tae fun somewhairs else tae git better acquainted.”
“A 'hink a'll jeest stye here furra wee while, if rat's aw right wi' you?”
“Ach, suit yursel. Plenty mair fanny stoatin' aboot so rur is. An' you, pal, you kin shove yur restaurant is faur up yur erse isirrull go.”
“Done deal ya bam. Wur weel rid e' ye so wey ur. Don't borr comin' back, eh?”
“Zur oany joabs gaun' in here, mister? Rone fulla wis s'posed tae gei me a joab so 'e wis.”
“Huv ye done ony waitressin' afore?”
“Naw, birrum a quick learner so am ur.”
“See me in ma oaffice et ten ri morn.”
“Aw, rat's great so irris. 'Hanks.”
“An' here. Wear a black skurt, black shoes and a black tap. Disnae mater if rur's a birra white through it mind.”
“Ach. Yur jeest lit rat urr fulla so ye ur.”
“Eh?”
“He waantit mey tae dress up furrum tae, so 'e did.”
“A thote you wis a quick learner?”
“Amurr.”
“Waitresses wear maistly black, doll. See ye in ri moarnin'. An' don't be late urrul pit ye ower ma knee.”
Swearwords: Some mild ones.
Description: They do say manners maketh the man, but not very often round where I come from.
_____________________________________________________________________
Click-click-click. “Haw Jim! Wur ready tae oardur ower here whin yur right. Here, whirry ye dain' luckin' unner ri table?”
“A thote sumbdy'd brung a dug in is aw. Whit's wi' ri snappin' ri fingurs ren?”
“Rat's tae get yur attention so it is. A seen it oan a fillum wan tum.”
“You wis in here last week wisn't ye?”
“A nivir seen you.”
“Rat's 'cos a wis in ri kitchin. Birruv a'd been in here ye widnae a' gote served.”
“How's rat, pal?”
“Furra stert, a'm no yur pal. A hud tae sen' wan e' ma waitresses hame eftur you upset 'ur wi' yur ignorance an' yur arrogance. Yur lucky a wis a man doon in ri kitchin ur a'd a' been oot tae ye ren.”
“A don't need tae take ris pish fae you, pal. Is ris a restaurant, ur whit? An' am a no' a customer, an' is ri customer no' always right?”
“No' whin ye treat ma staff lit shite yur no'. An' a'll no' tell ye again, a'm no' yur pal.”
“A waant anur waiter,” click-click-click, “haw, doll! Get yur erse ower here, wull ye.”
“Jeest gerroot, Jim. Yur attitude disnae fit in wi' how wey dae 'hings roon here. A ken yur tryin' tae impress ri wee burd rer bit she disnae luk too chuffed wi' ye eethur. Here, a'm shair ye could dae better fur yersel' rin ris numptie, hen.”
“Get me ri manager. A'm no' bein' talked tae lit ris.”
“Yur luckin' et 'um.”
“A'm gin ower your heid aboot ris pal. A'v nivir been sa insultit in aw ma puff, so a'v no'.”
“Jeest take yur custom elsewhair, Jim. Yur no' welcome in here.”
“Bit, ris is r'only dacent restaurant in ri area so it is.”
“An' irrul bey a helluva lote mair salubrious withoot you onywhair near it.”
“A'm gonnae kick up a fair birra stoor aboot ris so u'm ur. Yuv no' heard ri last e' ris, pal, no' bey a long chalk.”
“A kin kick up stoor tae, Jim. Mibbes enough rit yur wife'll get tae hear aboot it, eh? Hur rit wis in wi' ye last week? Oh, did ye no' ken 'e wis a mairrit man, hen, an' a foul moothed, ignorant wanker e' a choob tae boot? Lit a says afore, a guid luckin' wee burd lit yursel could dae a lote better fur 'ursel'.”
“C'mon, doll. We're oot a' here. Shift yer erse wull ye, wu'll need tae fun somewhairs else tae git better acquainted.”
“A 'hink a'll jeest stye here furra wee while, if rat's aw right wi' you?”
“Ach, suit yursel. Plenty mair fanny stoatin' aboot so rur is. An' you, pal, you kin shove yur restaurant is faur up yur erse isirrull go.”
“Done deal ya bam. Wur weel rid e' ye so wey ur. Don't borr comin' back, eh?”
“Zur oany joabs gaun' in here, mister? Rone fulla wis s'posed tae gei me a joab so 'e wis.”
“Huv ye done ony waitressin' afore?”
“Naw, birrum a quick learner so am ur.”
“See me in ma oaffice et ten ri morn.”
“Aw, rat's great so irris. 'Hanks.”
“An' here. Wear a black skurt, black shoes and a black tap. Disnae mater if rur's a birra white through it mind.”
“Ach. Yur jeest lit rat urr fulla so ye ur.”
“Eh?”
“He waantit mey tae dress up furrum tae, so 'e did.”
“A thote you wis a quick learner?”
“Amurr.”
“Waitresses wear maistly black, doll. See ye in ri moarnin'. An' don't be late urrul pit ye ower ma knee.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.