Love Never Runs On Time
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: It's shortly after Dunkirk, and the flotilla of rescue vessels returns to their day jobs of fishing, leisure pursuits and island hopping. This is the story of one such craft.
_____________________________________________________________________
After seeing active service towards the end of the Second World War, the three ferries returned to more familiar waters and tried to pick up where they left off. All three skippers were sworn to secrecy regarding what their duties had entailed but it really was no big mystery to anyone with half a brain. In fact, two of the vessels, M.V.DREAMS and M.V.HOPE were actually depicted in the national press as they left mainland Europe laden with war heroes.
Still, they were required not to speak of their movements and invited, make that ordered, to sign the Official Secrets Act.
The skipper of T.S.LOVE, the only turbine steamer still working, came in for some friendly ribbing from his counterparts since he had no absolute proof of his involvement in the mission.
Captain Silas Frew Buchan, for that was his given name, took it all in his stride and arranged to meet up with his two friends on the following Saturday for a drink, usual place. This had been their custom before being issued with orders to serve the government and they were determined to get back to normal as soon as possible.
The motor vessels belonged to the same company and were rigid as to their pattern of movements, whereas LOVE was pretty much freelance and could move at will between the islands and the mainland.
Being a bit of a maverick, Silas put his thinking cap on and came up with a number of money making schemes to bolster his own and his crew's income. Not strictly legal, but since everyone seemed to gain, no one was about to blow the whistle.
Rationing was the main bugbear but it didn't seem to affect Silas in any way. Much like a doctor taking payment of a few pork chops, a leg of lamb or a basket of vegetables for his services, Silas would negotiate tradable recompense for his services and made sure his men lived high off the hog, so to speak.
One example, the movement of vehicles was restricted but car or tractor parts could be shipped quite freely. Silas would get round this by removing a wheel and loading the 'part car' and the wheel separately, all the recipient had to do at the other end was refit the wheel. No laws broken.
With people always in a hurry to be somewhere else, they tended to favour the faster motor vessels to take them from A to B in good time since they had a schedule to observe.
LOVE's captain had the habit of making unexpected detours to pick up passengers or cargo and couldn't be relied upon to be at a specific place at a specific time.
Silas had a printer friend make up some handbills in the form of contracts. With soldier's returning to civilian life and the world all at once in love, he worded them very carefully.
Marriage contracts, the heading, 'Love never runs on time', a parody on his friend's humour concerning his vessel's comparative tardiness, set against their own restrictions.
Married on such and such a date, at such and such a time in the year of our Lord, blah, blah by Captain Silas Frew Buchan on board the T.S.LOVE, may this charming couple live happily ever after and be blessed with good health and strong children. Room for the signatures of the bride and groom and the small print, a disclaimer detailing it to be not a legal document since the ferry didn't reach international waters.
News spread fast and soon she was more of a pleasure boat than anything else. Couples young and old clamoured for a certificate and were glad to pay the asking price to be 'married' by LOVE's skipper.
All this fitted in well with his other activities, moving livestock from island to island. If no one counted them on there would be a couple of lambs or a pig letting blood in the tiny galley. The same with coal, so many tons on, a couple of tons less off. The vessel ran for free almost and ditto for maintenance with paint, oil and ropes being supplied for services rendered.
Her crew were the envy of others within nautical circles, the best fed and the best dressed, all due to their captain's resourcefulness.
The landlord of their favourite meeting place, the Four Winds, did very well out of him too with the odd side of venison or case of whisky finding it's way to his establishment. Not forgetting the fish, as much seafood as could be netted over the side of the vessel while she plied her trade, also served to fill the coffers.
The weekly get-togethers were usually riotous, drunken affairs. Since nothing ran on a Sunday, apart from when it was worth Silas' while, the three skippers would share out the bounty gathered during the week, eat the best of food, imbibe the best of whisky and laugh out loud at radio bulletins telling of people fighting on the mainland over scraps of food, they themselves had never had it so good.
That wasn't to say they weren't sympathetic towards their fellow man but they could all remember before the war when they themselves were laughed at and treated as second class citizens, the government riding roughshod over them with ever demanding and rising taxes.
The government were now kept busy trying to get the nation back to work, kept busy enough to leave the boatmen alone for a while.
The word among the islanders was that you could set your clock by the motor vessels, but you could easily forget the last time you laid eyes on T.S.LOVE or her captain, most people, when asked, would quote the marriage licence, 'Love never runs on time.'
So it came as no surprise one late summer Saturday when Silas failed to show up at the Four Winds for the usual session, it wasn't like him to miss out but his friends shrugged their shoulders and agreed, LOVE never runs on time.
LOVE and Silas had other fish to fry, however, providing him with a story of the sea he would dine on for the rest of his natural.
The day started off normally enough, a little island hopping with a couple of detours, then, at noon, or thereabouts, a group of twenty pre-booked couples for weddings at sea.
Silas included refreshments in the price and all paid up without fuss on boarding.
Half an hour into the trip and one of the crew spotted a fishing boat in difficulties. Silas, ever mindful of the safety of his fellow mariners, swung the steamer around and came alongside her. Her skipper explained she had been holed and Silas invited her compliment of seven to climb aboard for refuge. Sure enough the fishing boat began to list and soon disappeared beneath the waves.
Silas went back to his weddings, only to be alerted by a disturbance on the stern. Pirates, the fishing crew were nothing but pirates. They knew there was money on board, Silas let them avail themselves of it for the safety of his passengers since the pirates were brandishing guns and knives. That wasn't the end of it though, they wanted more and invited everyone to empty their pockets, purses and bags, one youth ripping at a young newlywed's jewellery.
That was the signal for retaliation. Since most of the grooms were ex-servicemen, some well trained in unarmed combat, the pirates were disarmed without a shot being fired, although one or two had flesh wounds from the struggle.
Silas stepped in and restored order before a kangaroo court could properly form. He reasoned since she was his ship, he was the law and the pirates were his prisoners. Some, especially the women, wanted them thrown over the side to the mercy of the sea but Silas would have none of it.
Instead, he bade the cook stitch up the bleeders, swung the lifeboat over the side and packed the pirates onto it. For their own safety, the lifeboat would be towed behind where his crew could keep an eye on them.
Another detour, this time to the mainland, a ship to shore message and a couple of flares to signal their arrival, the pirates were handed over to the custody of the police. The rest of the Saturday evening was passed giving statements, the police wanted the stolen money as evidence but the quick thinking Silas told them he had wages to pay and a business to run. He was allowed to sign a sworn statement and to keep hold of the money.
With statements given, each couple shook the captain and his crew warmly by the hand and told them they would never ever forget their 'wedding day'.
Now, it was too late to sail to the Four Winds. Silas contented himself with a fine bottle of single malt and the knowledge LOVE's reputation had been galvanized. Word would soon spread of the piracy, adding to the romanticism of his wedding trips, business would probably double - no, triple - in the weeks and months to come. Perhaps he should add a photographer to his crew, modernise, yes, that was the way forward.
Swearwords: None.
Description: It's shortly after Dunkirk, and the flotilla of rescue vessels returns to their day jobs of fishing, leisure pursuits and island hopping. This is the story of one such craft.
_____________________________________________________________________
After seeing active service towards the end of the Second World War, the three ferries returned to more familiar waters and tried to pick up where they left off. All three skippers were sworn to secrecy regarding what their duties had entailed but it really was no big mystery to anyone with half a brain. In fact, two of the vessels, M.V.DREAMS and M.V.HOPE were actually depicted in the national press as they left mainland Europe laden with war heroes.
Still, they were required not to speak of their movements and invited, make that ordered, to sign the Official Secrets Act.
The skipper of T.S.LOVE, the only turbine steamer still working, came in for some friendly ribbing from his counterparts since he had no absolute proof of his involvement in the mission.
Captain Silas Frew Buchan, for that was his given name, took it all in his stride and arranged to meet up with his two friends on the following Saturday for a drink, usual place. This had been their custom before being issued with orders to serve the government and they were determined to get back to normal as soon as possible.
The motor vessels belonged to the same company and were rigid as to their pattern of movements, whereas LOVE was pretty much freelance and could move at will between the islands and the mainland.
Being a bit of a maverick, Silas put his thinking cap on and came up with a number of money making schemes to bolster his own and his crew's income. Not strictly legal, but since everyone seemed to gain, no one was about to blow the whistle.
Rationing was the main bugbear but it didn't seem to affect Silas in any way. Much like a doctor taking payment of a few pork chops, a leg of lamb or a basket of vegetables for his services, Silas would negotiate tradable recompense for his services and made sure his men lived high off the hog, so to speak.
One example, the movement of vehicles was restricted but car or tractor parts could be shipped quite freely. Silas would get round this by removing a wheel and loading the 'part car' and the wheel separately, all the recipient had to do at the other end was refit the wheel. No laws broken.
With people always in a hurry to be somewhere else, they tended to favour the faster motor vessels to take them from A to B in good time since they had a schedule to observe.
LOVE's captain had the habit of making unexpected detours to pick up passengers or cargo and couldn't be relied upon to be at a specific place at a specific time.
Silas had a printer friend make up some handbills in the form of contracts. With soldier's returning to civilian life and the world all at once in love, he worded them very carefully.
Marriage contracts, the heading, 'Love never runs on time', a parody on his friend's humour concerning his vessel's comparative tardiness, set against their own restrictions.
Married on such and such a date, at such and such a time in the year of our Lord, blah, blah by Captain Silas Frew Buchan on board the T.S.LOVE, may this charming couple live happily ever after and be blessed with good health and strong children. Room for the signatures of the bride and groom and the small print, a disclaimer detailing it to be not a legal document since the ferry didn't reach international waters.
News spread fast and soon she was more of a pleasure boat than anything else. Couples young and old clamoured for a certificate and were glad to pay the asking price to be 'married' by LOVE's skipper.
All this fitted in well with his other activities, moving livestock from island to island. If no one counted them on there would be a couple of lambs or a pig letting blood in the tiny galley. The same with coal, so many tons on, a couple of tons less off. The vessel ran for free almost and ditto for maintenance with paint, oil and ropes being supplied for services rendered.
Her crew were the envy of others within nautical circles, the best fed and the best dressed, all due to their captain's resourcefulness.
The landlord of their favourite meeting place, the Four Winds, did very well out of him too with the odd side of venison or case of whisky finding it's way to his establishment. Not forgetting the fish, as much seafood as could be netted over the side of the vessel while she plied her trade, also served to fill the coffers.
The weekly get-togethers were usually riotous, drunken affairs. Since nothing ran on a Sunday, apart from when it was worth Silas' while, the three skippers would share out the bounty gathered during the week, eat the best of food, imbibe the best of whisky and laugh out loud at radio bulletins telling of people fighting on the mainland over scraps of food, they themselves had never had it so good.
That wasn't to say they weren't sympathetic towards their fellow man but they could all remember before the war when they themselves were laughed at and treated as second class citizens, the government riding roughshod over them with ever demanding and rising taxes.
The government were now kept busy trying to get the nation back to work, kept busy enough to leave the boatmen alone for a while.
The word among the islanders was that you could set your clock by the motor vessels, but you could easily forget the last time you laid eyes on T.S.LOVE or her captain, most people, when asked, would quote the marriage licence, 'Love never runs on time.'
So it came as no surprise one late summer Saturday when Silas failed to show up at the Four Winds for the usual session, it wasn't like him to miss out but his friends shrugged their shoulders and agreed, LOVE never runs on time.
LOVE and Silas had other fish to fry, however, providing him with a story of the sea he would dine on for the rest of his natural.
The day started off normally enough, a little island hopping with a couple of detours, then, at noon, or thereabouts, a group of twenty pre-booked couples for weddings at sea.
Silas included refreshments in the price and all paid up without fuss on boarding.
Half an hour into the trip and one of the crew spotted a fishing boat in difficulties. Silas, ever mindful of the safety of his fellow mariners, swung the steamer around and came alongside her. Her skipper explained she had been holed and Silas invited her compliment of seven to climb aboard for refuge. Sure enough the fishing boat began to list and soon disappeared beneath the waves.
Silas went back to his weddings, only to be alerted by a disturbance on the stern. Pirates, the fishing crew were nothing but pirates. They knew there was money on board, Silas let them avail themselves of it for the safety of his passengers since the pirates were brandishing guns and knives. That wasn't the end of it though, they wanted more and invited everyone to empty their pockets, purses and bags, one youth ripping at a young newlywed's jewellery.
That was the signal for retaliation. Since most of the grooms were ex-servicemen, some well trained in unarmed combat, the pirates were disarmed without a shot being fired, although one or two had flesh wounds from the struggle.
Silas stepped in and restored order before a kangaroo court could properly form. He reasoned since she was his ship, he was the law and the pirates were his prisoners. Some, especially the women, wanted them thrown over the side to the mercy of the sea but Silas would have none of it.
Instead, he bade the cook stitch up the bleeders, swung the lifeboat over the side and packed the pirates onto it. For their own safety, the lifeboat would be towed behind where his crew could keep an eye on them.
Another detour, this time to the mainland, a ship to shore message and a couple of flares to signal their arrival, the pirates were handed over to the custody of the police. The rest of the Saturday evening was passed giving statements, the police wanted the stolen money as evidence but the quick thinking Silas told them he had wages to pay and a business to run. He was allowed to sign a sworn statement and to keep hold of the money.
With statements given, each couple shook the captain and his crew warmly by the hand and told them they would never ever forget their 'wedding day'.
Now, it was too late to sail to the Four Winds. Silas contented himself with a fine bottle of single malt and the knowledge LOVE's reputation had been galvanized. Word would soon spread of the piracy, adding to the romanticism of his wedding trips, business would probably double - no, triple - in the weeks and months to come. Perhaps he should add a photographer to his crew, modernise, yes, that was the way forward.
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in his 50s, an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in sunny Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He is inspired by the Ayrshire coast and likes what he calls "real music". He also enjoys pool, snooker and is a big fan of rugby league side, Wigan Warriors. He has written several novels and one poetry collection and says that writing gives him "endless pleasure".
Angus tells us that he’s waiting to be interviewed by local radio to discuss his first novel, Scoosh. “They've had a copy for a few weeks now,” he says, “and are deliberating as to how they should go about introducing it, since some of the content is a bit near the knuckle.”
His two ebooks can be viewed by clicking on the images below.
Angus tells us that he’s waiting to be interviewed by local radio to discuss his first novel, Scoosh. “They've had a copy for a few weeks now,” he says, “and are deliberating as to how they should go about introducing it, since some of the content is a bit near the knuckle.”
His two ebooks can be viewed by clicking on the images below.