In the Summer of Ninety
by Glenn Muir
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: A couple of strong ones.
Description: What happens when you are forced to go on a holiday that you don’t want with people you have little time for.
Swearwords: A couple of strong ones.
Description: What happens when you are forced to go on a holiday that you don’t want with people you have little time for.
Well it looked like there was no way of avoiding a trip to Orlando. Gus had been hoping that the whole thing was going to fall through. His guid-faither (Sid McGlashan) had nominated him as the responsible adult, he was to be in charge and make sure that nothing went tits up. Now most folk would have been looking forward to a fortnight in the sun, especially with the way our summers tended to pan out. Gus wasn’t most folk, he didnae like hot weather one little bit and the prospect o spending two weeks in stifling heat looking after members of his wife’s feckless family, didnae float his boat in the slightest.
There were stumbling blocks, of course, there always were. The main problem was Billy Handbag, Gus’s guid-brither, there were problems getting him a U.S. visa. He was unemployed (unemployable would be closer to the mark) and he had tae go tae the U.S. consulate in London and convince them that he wisnae going tae the States for employment purposes. Well the holiday had been paid for and if Billy didnae go doon tae London, some o Sid’s hard earned cash would have gone for a burton. Obviously he couldae make the trip on his ain so Doris (Gus’s wife) was assigned tae go doon wi him on the bus. Doris wis the only member o the McGlashan clan wi oniething resembling common sense. Billy was able tae convince the Yanks that he wis actually intending tae hae a holiday and no look for work or assassinate oniebody.
Apart frae Billy Handbag, Gus and Doris, there wis Elsie (Doris’s mither) and wee Eck (Doris’s nine year auld nephew) in the party. This jaunt wis mainly for Eck’s benefit. It wid give him a break from his mental mither, Senga, and her multiple personalities.
Elsie wis obsessed wi Florida and probably mair excited aboot the trip than the wean. She had nivir had her fat erse on a plane before, in fact Gus was the only yin wi previous experience on that front, but since that involved a flight tae Orkney when he wis a babe in arms he didnae think that coonted.
Onieway, the day eventually arrived and it wis time tae get tae Prestwick for the flight. Cue last minute hitch frae Billy Handbag, he got hisel intae a blind panic at the prospect o his first flight. Doris had tae nip o’er tae his hoose tae convince him that his heid wisnae gaunie explode due tae the pressure at high altitude. It wis touch and go, but she managed tae work the oracle, I think the diazepam she furtively slipped intae his coffee had a lot tae dae wi that.
Once Billy had been cozened,they were all set for that holiday o a lifetime.
Getting over tae Ayrshire wis a dawdle and they all boarded the plane withoot a hitch. Elsie and Eck were baith hyper, but eventually calmed doon aboot three hours intae the flight. Doris and Gus listened tae some soothing music, then fell asleep. Billy Handbag jist sat in his seat getting mair and mair agitated as the effects o the diazepam began tae wear off.
Noo there is nothing mair boring than sitting on a plane for seven hours, it is even worse than watching a cricket match or paint drying, the only thing ye can dae is sleep.
There wis a brief stop at Bangor Maine before continuing doon the Eastern Seaboard, passing The Big Aipple and at last reaching their destination, Orlando Florida.
The first thing that struck Gus was the heat, his immediate thocht was that they really needed tae turn the heating doon. They were aa gled tae get intae the taxi wi it’s air-conditioning. The taxi driver was a pleasantly spoken Floridian built along the lines o John Candy, but wi a beard. There wis a thunderstorm on the way tae their motel. Jake(the taxi driver) explained that this happened every day about this time. The journey from the airport tae Kissimmee took less than half an hour, Gus was impressed wi the green lushness of the place and the many roadside ponds. The landscape was so different frae whit he wis used tae. Maybe it widnae be the disaster that he expected.
The rooms were adequate, each had twa double beds and en suite bog and shower, and a telly. Gus and Doris had a room tae thirsels. Elsie, Eck and Billy Handbag aa crammed intae the ither yin.
They purchased five four-day passes for the Disney World Resort, well that’s what ye tended tae dae if ye were a tourist in Florida. Elsie and Eck were hyper wi anticipation at visiting the Magic Kingdom. Gus pretended tae be excited tae, jist for Eck’s benefit, Doris wisnae enthused in the slightest. The prospect o spending the day amongst hunners o eejits dressed as Disney characters wisnae her cup o tea. Noo maist folk wid hae taken the option o a hire car, but Gus (the only driver) was shit scared o that notion. Luckily there was regular bus tae aa the attractions, and taxis tae. As they made their way across tae the Magic Kingdom by paddle-steamer, they saw a guy in a Tigger costume water-skiing and waving. “Wave to Tigger, folks.” Gus thocht he heard Doris muttering “Fuck off, Tigger” under her breath. It wis gaunie be a long day.
The Magic Kingdom wis no as bad as Gus thocht it wid be. He had tae go on some o the scarier looking rides wi Eck as the ithers aa wimped oot. There wis height restrictions but unfortunately for Gus, Eck wis tall for his age.
The weather wis roasting and they were gled that aa the walking didnae involve onie steep gradients. They stuck around for the nicht-time parade, mingling amongst the hordes o clinically obese Yanks that seemed tae be waddling aroon the place. Gus was gled tae get back on the bus and couldnae wait tae get a shower and get awa tae his bed.
They spent the next couple o days in the vicinity o the motel, either sitting by or in the swimming pool, or exploring the shops that were in walking distance. There wis a MacDonalds no far frae the motel and yin day they went there for lunch. Billy Handbag wis having difficulty communicating his order tae the young black lassie serving. I think she fund the thickness o his accent unfathomable.
“Two cheese-burgers.” Blank look frae the lassie.
“TWO CHEESE-BURGERS!” Same blank look frae the lassie.
“TWO CHEESE-BURGERS!!” (plus elaborate hand signals). Lassie mutters something tae yin o her co-workers. Co-worker whispers in her lug.
“Ya’ll want two cheese-burgers?” she asks tentatively.
Gus, wha wis jist behind Billy, whispers in his lug, “Jist nod yer fucking heid!”
Billy Handbag wisnae having a great time, the effects o the diazepam had obviously long worn off. He wis starting tae miss his marigolds, no he wisnae a gairdener, the marigolds in question were o the yella five fingered variety. Idleness didnae suit Billy, guid lassie wasted that he wis, so jist tae keep his hand in, he cleaned up the room afore the motel cleaners arrived every morning.
Elsie wisnae guid wi money, Doris wis under strict instructions frae her faither no to let her oniewhaur near the green folding stuff. On a previous holiday Elsie had been in charge o aa the dosh and had it spent by day two. “No, Mither, ye cannae hae twa hunner dollars, naw, Faither didnae tell ye tae treat yersel tae a gold Mickey and Minnie cruet set.”
Despite the thirty degrees, there wis a decidedly frosty atmosphere between Doris and Elsie for a couple o days. This situation was resolved by the time they used up the second day o their fower-day pass. The Epcot Centre wis mair like the thing, thocht Gus. Eck wis intae aa that scientific stuff tae and even Doris wis impressed. Billy Handbag wis starting tae get a bit paranoid, he widnae get intae the lift that took ye tae the lower level o the big marine exhibit. There wis a millimetre o water on the outside o the gless elevator and Billy wis convinced that he wis gaunie droon.
By the time the second week was owre and they had used up the rest o their fower-day passes, Gus was wearying for some cool Scottish rain. He wanted tae get hame, he wanted awa frae the oppressive heat, he wanted a decent pint o Guinness, he wanted tae walk intae the bookies tae pit on his lucky fifteen, but maistly he wanted tae get awa frae Elsie, Billy Handbag and wee Eck. In his opinion, faimily, like manure, should be spread as widely as possible and contact should be minimal.
Their departure day arrived and Gus turned tae Doris, “Right, Doll, ready tae go?”
Doris, wha was fumbling aboot in her make-up bag for something, replied,“Aye, ah am noo.”
“Whit is that?” Gus asked, pointing at Doris’s closed fist.
She smiled and winked back at him,“Och it’s jist a wee something for a quiet flight hame.”
She slowly unclenched her fingers to reveal twa Diazepam capsules.
There were stumbling blocks, of course, there always were. The main problem was Billy Handbag, Gus’s guid-brither, there were problems getting him a U.S. visa. He was unemployed (unemployable would be closer to the mark) and he had tae go tae the U.S. consulate in London and convince them that he wisnae going tae the States for employment purposes. Well the holiday had been paid for and if Billy didnae go doon tae London, some o Sid’s hard earned cash would have gone for a burton. Obviously he couldae make the trip on his ain so Doris (Gus’s wife) was assigned tae go doon wi him on the bus. Doris wis the only member o the McGlashan clan wi oniething resembling common sense. Billy was able tae convince the Yanks that he wis actually intending tae hae a holiday and no look for work or assassinate oniebody.
Apart frae Billy Handbag, Gus and Doris, there wis Elsie (Doris’s mither) and wee Eck (Doris’s nine year auld nephew) in the party. This jaunt wis mainly for Eck’s benefit. It wid give him a break from his mental mither, Senga, and her multiple personalities.
Elsie wis obsessed wi Florida and probably mair excited aboot the trip than the wean. She had nivir had her fat erse on a plane before, in fact Gus was the only yin wi previous experience on that front, but since that involved a flight tae Orkney when he wis a babe in arms he didnae think that coonted.
Onieway, the day eventually arrived and it wis time tae get tae Prestwick for the flight. Cue last minute hitch frae Billy Handbag, he got hisel intae a blind panic at the prospect o his first flight. Doris had tae nip o’er tae his hoose tae convince him that his heid wisnae gaunie explode due tae the pressure at high altitude. It wis touch and go, but she managed tae work the oracle, I think the diazepam she furtively slipped intae his coffee had a lot tae dae wi that.
Once Billy had been cozened,they were all set for that holiday o a lifetime.
Getting over tae Ayrshire wis a dawdle and they all boarded the plane withoot a hitch. Elsie and Eck were baith hyper, but eventually calmed doon aboot three hours intae the flight. Doris and Gus listened tae some soothing music, then fell asleep. Billy Handbag jist sat in his seat getting mair and mair agitated as the effects o the diazepam began tae wear off.
Noo there is nothing mair boring than sitting on a plane for seven hours, it is even worse than watching a cricket match or paint drying, the only thing ye can dae is sleep.
There wis a brief stop at Bangor Maine before continuing doon the Eastern Seaboard, passing The Big Aipple and at last reaching their destination, Orlando Florida.
The first thing that struck Gus was the heat, his immediate thocht was that they really needed tae turn the heating doon. They were aa gled tae get intae the taxi wi it’s air-conditioning. The taxi driver was a pleasantly spoken Floridian built along the lines o John Candy, but wi a beard. There wis a thunderstorm on the way tae their motel. Jake(the taxi driver) explained that this happened every day about this time. The journey from the airport tae Kissimmee took less than half an hour, Gus was impressed wi the green lushness of the place and the many roadside ponds. The landscape was so different frae whit he wis used tae. Maybe it widnae be the disaster that he expected.
The rooms were adequate, each had twa double beds and en suite bog and shower, and a telly. Gus and Doris had a room tae thirsels. Elsie, Eck and Billy Handbag aa crammed intae the ither yin.
They purchased five four-day passes for the Disney World Resort, well that’s what ye tended tae dae if ye were a tourist in Florida. Elsie and Eck were hyper wi anticipation at visiting the Magic Kingdom. Gus pretended tae be excited tae, jist for Eck’s benefit, Doris wisnae enthused in the slightest. The prospect o spending the day amongst hunners o eejits dressed as Disney characters wisnae her cup o tea. Noo maist folk wid hae taken the option o a hire car, but Gus (the only driver) was shit scared o that notion. Luckily there was regular bus tae aa the attractions, and taxis tae. As they made their way across tae the Magic Kingdom by paddle-steamer, they saw a guy in a Tigger costume water-skiing and waving. “Wave to Tigger, folks.” Gus thocht he heard Doris muttering “Fuck off, Tigger” under her breath. It wis gaunie be a long day.
The Magic Kingdom wis no as bad as Gus thocht it wid be. He had tae go on some o the scarier looking rides wi Eck as the ithers aa wimped oot. There wis height restrictions but unfortunately for Gus, Eck wis tall for his age.
The weather wis roasting and they were gled that aa the walking didnae involve onie steep gradients. They stuck around for the nicht-time parade, mingling amongst the hordes o clinically obese Yanks that seemed tae be waddling aroon the place. Gus was gled tae get back on the bus and couldnae wait tae get a shower and get awa tae his bed.
They spent the next couple o days in the vicinity o the motel, either sitting by or in the swimming pool, or exploring the shops that were in walking distance. There wis a MacDonalds no far frae the motel and yin day they went there for lunch. Billy Handbag wis having difficulty communicating his order tae the young black lassie serving. I think she fund the thickness o his accent unfathomable.
“Two cheese-burgers.” Blank look frae the lassie.
“TWO CHEESE-BURGERS!” Same blank look frae the lassie.
“TWO CHEESE-BURGERS!!” (plus elaborate hand signals). Lassie mutters something tae yin o her co-workers. Co-worker whispers in her lug.
“Ya’ll want two cheese-burgers?” she asks tentatively.
Gus, wha wis jist behind Billy, whispers in his lug, “Jist nod yer fucking heid!”
Billy Handbag wisnae having a great time, the effects o the diazepam had obviously long worn off. He wis starting tae miss his marigolds, no he wisnae a gairdener, the marigolds in question were o the yella five fingered variety. Idleness didnae suit Billy, guid lassie wasted that he wis, so jist tae keep his hand in, he cleaned up the room afore the motel cleaners arrived every morning.
Elsie wisnae guid wi money, Doris wis under strict instructions frae her faither no to let her oniewhaur near the green folding stuff. On a previous holiday Elsie had been in charge o aa the dosh and had it spent by day two. “No, Mither, ye cannae hae twa hunner dollars, naw, Faither didnae tell ye tae treat yersel tae a gold Mickey and Minnie cruet set.”
Despite the thirty degrees, there wis a decidedly frosty atmosphere between Doris and Elsie for a couple o days. This situation was resolved by the time they used up the second day o their fower-day pass. The Epcot Centre wis mair like the thing, thocht Gus. Eck wis intae aa that scientific stuff tae and even Doris wis impressed. Billy Handbag wis starting tae get a bit paranoid, he widnae get intae the lift that took ye tae the lower level o the big marine exhibit. There wis a millimetre o water on the outside o the gless elevator and Billy wis convinced that he wis gaunie droon.
By the time the second week was owre and they had used up the rest o their fower-day passes, Gus was wearying for some cool Scottish rain. He wanted tae get hame, he wanted awa frae the oppressive heat, he wanted a decent pint o Guinness, he wanted tae walk intae the bookies tae pit on his lucky fifteen, but maistly he wanted tae get awa frae Elsie, Billy Handbag and wee Eck. In his opinion, faimily, like manure, should be spread as widely as possible and contact should be minimal.
Their departure day arrived and Gus turned tae Doris, “Right, Doll, ready tae go?”
Doris, wha was fumbling aboot in her make-up bag for something, replied,“Aye, ah am noo.”
“Whit is that?” Gus asked, pointing at Doris’s closed fist.
She smiled and winked back at him,“Och it’s jist a wee something for a quiet flight hame.”
She slowly unclenched her fingers to reveal twa Diazepam capsules.
About the Author
West Lothian-born Glenn Muir is a fiftysomething postman working in Linlithgow. Previously a member of the West Lothian Song Writers Group, he is now with Quill, a poetry and writing group based in Bathgate.