If I Catch Ye I'll Eat Ye
by Patrick Hutchison
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: A wee funny story written in Banffshire Doric about Tarlair beside Macduff in Aberdeenshire. I've added a glossary of Doric words to help readers understand the story.
Swearwords: None.
Description: A wee funny story written in Banffshire Doric about Tarlair beside Macduff in Aberdeenshire. I've added a glossary of Doric words to help readers understand the story.
Afore nicht the fisher quines wid make their wye tae the scaups tae get mussels for the next day's line fishin. A puckle o them were bent on this and made their wye doon the wee track fae higher up. As they reached the wee Wall Hoosie o a sudden they heard a ghostly voice comin fae inside it.
“If I catch ye I'll eat ye! If I catch ye I'll eat ye!”
Noo the quines teen flegg at this an set up an affa skirlin as they ran back up the cliff road back towards the toon, the creels for their bait thrown tae the wins. In an affa sotter o swyte an fear they ran towards Wully Wazzie's hoose. Wully wiz employed by the parish as a kind o constable faa keepit the peace. Jist as they reached his door Wully wiz makin tae leave for his nightly visit tae the Ale Hoose far he spent the shillin a day he got peyed for bein the constable. He got the quines tae calm doon enough tae tell him fit wiz wrang. On hearin their story he squared his shooders like he thocht constables did and teen control o the situation. Noo Wully hid stood in the line at Waterloo wi the Gordons and mair by luck than onything else hid survived the butcher's shop o slaachter. He thocht tae himsel he'd better ging an pit on his uniform if he wiz gyan tae face the Devil again. He'd deen it eence at Waterloo so he could surely dee it again at Tarlair. But the quines set up sic a noise fin he made tae get his uniform, so instead he put on the hat and picked up his musket and shot. He nearly forgot the gunpooder horn in aa the hash but he mind aboot it. Sic a feel he'd hae looked if he made his wye tae Tarlair athoot pooder. Slingin his musket Wully Wazzie set fit like a sojer towards Tarlair. He tellt the quines tae gang hame because this wisna work for weemin fowk. The quines peyed nae heed tae Wully and fell in line ahin him and tried tae march like sojers. Truth be tellt Wully wiz glaid o the company so he didna say onything.
At last they reached the Wall Hoosie and crouched doon ahin the wee drysteen dyke and waited. Sure enough the ghostly voice sounded eence mair “If I catch ye I'll eat ye! If I catch ye I'll eat ye!” Wully felt his knees turn tae water at this and the quines cooried doon ahin his back whimperin wi the fear. The lassies started puttin him on the back, “Go on then, deet!” Wully turned roon, “Dee fit?” The quines said in ae voice, “Shoot it !”
Wully swallied his spittle at this and cannily got tae his feet. He unslung his musket and fummled aboot for his pooderhorn. He could see the door o the Wall Hoosie but couldna see inside, it wiz jist black. The eerie voice sounded again and he shook gunpooder aawye. Settlin doon a bittie he eventually got some charge doon the barrel and teen the ramrod and tamped it doon. As he made tae pit in the ball een o the quines said, “Fit are ye deein Wully?”
“I'm pitten in the bullet, quine!”
At this the lassie said, “That's nae eese, Wully, ye winna kill a ghost wi a bullet, ye'll need leven siller, min!”
Wully pulled a face. “Eh? Fit's leven siller?”
The quine shook her heed at this. “Leven siller is siller that's been beaten!” That jist didna mak sense tae him ava.
The lassie pit oot her hand, “Gimmet?”
“Gie ye fit, lassie?”
“Yer pey that ye were on yer wye tae spend at the Ale Hoose.”
Reluctantly Wully handed ower the four silver thrupennies that made up that day's wages. The quine teen them and picked up a steen fae the dyke and bashed the coins intae the shape o a musket baa. Fin she finished as the ghostly voice sounded eence mair, “If I catch ye I'll eat ye!”
Wully grabbed the leven siller shot and rammed it hame, shook pooder intae the pan and closed the cover and pulled back the airm o the flint lock and set it at half cock. Squaring his shooders Wully faced the enemy jist as he did aa the years afore at Waterloo. He waited a minty or twa till his breathing became slower and raised the musket tae his shooder and set the flint airm tae full cock. Jist as he pulled the trigger the lassie aside him tripped in the exitement. She hut the musket barrel in the air jist as the flint sparked in the pan, there wiz a big flash and the musket discharged and fired Wully's day's pey ower intae Loch Craig. Wully screamed like a wee lassie as the gunpooder flame blew back intae his face. The musket wint ae wye and Wully the ither. Wi hands ower his face Wully rolled aboot the grun shoutin, “Ma bliddy een hiv been blawed clear oot o ma heed!”
The lassies tried tae get his hands awa fae his face but he widna let them dee that and jist shouted, “They're my een, let ma be!”
Aifter mair priggin he let them see his een and tae abody's relief it wiz only the eebroos and eyelashes that were gone. Een o the lassies patted him on the shooder, “Dinna worry aboot it, Wully, they'll seen growe back an ye'll be as gweed lookin as iver!”
Even wi aa the noise the ghostly voice wiz still sayin, “If I catch ye I'll eat ye!” The fisher quines took maitters intae their ain hands and wint intae the Wall Hoosie an found wee Sanners MacKeerin in one corner, a finger up his nose howkin for snotters sayin, “If I catch ye I'll eat ye!”
Sanners got a richt skelpit erse fae his mither for aa the cairryon he'd started, then he got anither skelpit erse for pickin his nose and tellt if he kept deein that he'd end up wi ae nostril the size o an egg cup.
The fisher quines got their bait an wun hame w't chatterin aa the while aboot their adventure.
Wully meanwhile hid wint back hame feelin gye dejected an hingin luggit. Nae only hid he lost his eebroos and lashes an mair than a wee bit o self esteem, but the thocht that his ale siller wiz at that very moment somewye in the middle o Loch Craig wiz hard tae tak.
Aifter a while, though, a chap came tae his door. The fisher quines were there wi a big handfae o coins they'd collected atween themsels tae thank him for being so brave.
“If I catch ye I'll eat ye! If I catch ye I'll eat ye!”
Noo the quines teen flegg at this an set up an affa skirlin as they ran back up the cliff road back towards the toon, the creels for their bait thrown tae the wins. In an affa sotter o swyte an fear they ran towards Wully Wazzie's hoose. Wully wiz employed by the parish as a kind o constable faa keepit the peace. Jist as they reached his door Wully wiz makin tae leave for his nightly visit tae the Ale Hoose far he spent the shillin a day he got peyed for bein the constable. He got the quines tae calm doon enough tae tell him fit wiz wrang. On hearin their story he squared his shooders like he thocht constables did and teen control o the situation. Noo Wully hid stood in the line at Waterloo wi the Gordons and mair by luck than onything else hid survived the butcher's shop o slaachter. He thocht tae himsel he'd better ging an pit on his uniform if he wiz gyan tae face the Devil again. He'd deen it eence at Waterloo so he could surely dee it again at Tarlair. But the quines set up sic a noise fin he made tae get his uniform, so instead he put on the hat and picked up his musket and shot. He nearly forgot the gunpooder horn in aa the hash but he mind aboot it. Sic a feel he'd hae looked if he made his wye tae Tarlair athoot pooder. Slingin his musket Wully Wazzie set fit like a sojer towards Tarlair. He tellt the quines tae gang hame because this wisna work for weemin fowk. The quines peyed nae heed tae Wully and fell in line ahin him and tried tae march like sojers. Truth be tellt Wully wiz glaid o the company so he didna say onything.
At last they reached the Wall Hoosie and crouched doon ahin the wee drysteen dyke and waited. Sure enough the ghostly voice sounded eence mair “If I catch ye I'll eat ye! If I catch ye I'll eat ye!” Wully felt his knees turn tae water at this and the quines cooried doon ahin his back whimperin wi the fear. The lassies started puttin him on the back, “Go on then, deet!” Wully turned roon, “Dee fit?” The quines said in ae voice, “Shoot it !”
Wully swallied his spittle at this and cannily got tae his feet. He unslung his musket and fummled aboot for his pooderhorn. He could see the door o the Wall Hoosie but couldna see inside, it wiz jist black. The eerie voice sounded again and he shook gunpooder aawye. Settlin doon a bittie he eventually got some charge doon the barrel and teen the ramrod and tamped it doon. As he made tae pit in the ball een o the quines said, “Fit are ye deein Wully?”
“I'm pitten in the bullet, quine!”
At this the lassie said, “That's nae eese, Wully, ye winna kill a ghost wi a bullet, ye'll need leven siller, min!”
Wully pulled a face. “Eh? Fit's leven siller?”
The quine shook her heed at this. “Leven siller is siller that's been beaten!” That jist didna mak sense tae him ava.
The lassie pit oot her hand, “Gimmet?”
“Gie ye fit, lassie?”
“Yer pey that ye were on yer wye tae spend at the Ale Hoose.”
Reluctantly Wully handed ower the four silver thrupennies that made up that day's wages. The quine teen them and picked up a steen fae the dyke and bashed the coins intae the shape o a musket baa. Fin she finished as the ghostly voice sounded eence mair, “If I catch ye I'll eat ye!”
Wully grabbed the leven siller shot and rammed it hame, shook pooder intae the pan and closed the cover and pulled back the airm o the flint lock and set it at half cock. Squaring his shooders Wully faced the enemy jist as he did aa the years afore at Waterloo. He waited a minty or twa till his breathing became slower and raised the musket tae his shooder and set the flint airm tae full cock. Jist as he pulled the trigger the lassie aside him tripped in the exitement. She hut the musket barrel in the air jist as the flint sparked in the pan, there wiz a big flash and the musket discharged and fired Wully's day's pey ower intae Loch Craig. Wully screamed like a wee lassie as the gunpooder flame blew back intae his face. The musket wint ae wye and Wully the ither. Wi hands ower his face Wully rolled aboot the grun shoutin, “Ma bliddy een hiv been blawed clear oot o ma heed!”
The lassies tried tae get his hands awa fae his face but he widna let them dee that and jist shouted, “They're my een, let ma be!”
Aifter mair priggin he let them see his een and tae abody's relief it wiz only the eebroos and eyelashes that were gone. Een o the lassies patted him on the shooder, “Dinna worry aboot it, Wully, they'll seen growe back an ye'll be as gweed lookin as iver!”
Even wi aa the noise the ghostly voice wiz still sayin, “If I catch ye I'll eat ye!” The fisher quines took maitters intae their ain hands and wint intae the Wall Hoosie an found wee Sanners MacKeerin in one corner, a finger up his nose howkin for snotters sayin, “If I catch ye I'll eat ye!”
Sanners got a richt skelpit erse fae his mither for aa the cairryon he'd started, then he got anither skelpit erse for pickin his nose and tellt if he kept deein that he'd end up wi ae nostril the size o an egg cup.
The fisher quines got their bait an wun hame w't chatterin aa the while aboot their adventure.
Wully meanwhile hid wint back hame feelin gye dejected an hingin luggit. Nae only hid he lost his eebroos and lashes an mair than a wee bit o self esteem, but the thocht that his ale siller wiz at that very moment somewye in the middle o Loch Craig wiz hard tae tak.
Aifter a while, though, a chap came tae his door. The fisher quines were there wi a big handfae o coins they'd collected atween themsels tae thank him for being so brave.
Glossary of Doric-Scots Words
A
aa- all
aawye- everywhere
ae- one
affa- awful
afore- before
ahin- behind
ain- own
airm- arm
athoot- without
atween--- between
ava- at all
awa- away
B
bey- bay
C
cannily- slowly, with care
cooried- crouched
couldna- could not
chap- knock
cairryon- carry on
D
dee- do
deen- done
deet- do it
didna- did not
dinna- do not
doon- down
drysteen- drystone
dyke- stone wall
E
eebroos- eyebrows
een- eyes
eence- once
erse- arse
F
faa- who
fae- from
far- where
feel- fool
fin- when
fit- what
fit’s- what is
flegg- fear, shock
fowk- people
fummled- fumbled
G
gang- go
gie, gee- give
ging- go
gimmet- give it to me
gyan- going
gunpooder- gunpowder
gweed- good
H
hae- have
hame- home
hash- hurry
heed- head
hid- had
hingin luggit- dejected
hit- hut
howkin- digging
L
lassie- girl
M
ma- me, mine
mair- more
matters- matters
min- man
minty- minute
mither- mother
N
nicht- night
O
oot- out
onything- anything
ower- over
P
peyed- payed
pit- put
pooder- powder
priggin- begging,
puckle- a few
Q
quines- girls
S
scaups- rockpool where mussels are kept for bait
seen- soon
shooders- shoulders
sic- such
siller- silver, money
skelpit- slap
skirlin- screaming
slaachter- slaughter
sojer- soldier
sotter- mess
steen- stone
swallied- swallowed
swyte- sweat
T
tae- to, as well
teen- taken, took
thocht- thought
toon- town
twa- two
W
wee- small
weemin- women
wid- would
widna- would not
wi- with
wins- winds
wint- went
winna- will not
wisna- was not
wiz- was
wrang- wrong
wun- made through
wye- way
Y
ye- you
yer- your
Glossary of Doric-Scots Words
A
aa- all
aawye- everywhere
ae- one
affa- awful
afore- before
ahin- behind
ain- own
airm- arm
athoot- without
atween--- between
ava- at all
awa- away
B
bey- bay
C
cannily- slowly, with care
cooried- crouched
couldna- could not
chap- knock
cairryon- carry on
D
dee- do
deen- done
deet- do it
didna- did not
dinna- do not
doon- down
drysteen- drystone
dyke- stone wall
E
eebroos- eyebrows
een- eyes
eence- once
erse- arse
F
faa- who
fae- from
far- where
feel- fool
fin- when
fit- what
fit’s- what is
flegg- fear, shock
fowk- people
fummled- fumbled
G
gang- go
gie, gee- give
ging- go
gimmet- give it to me
gyan- going
gunpooder- gunpowder
gweed- good
H
hae- have
hame- home
hash- hurry
heed- head
hid- had
hingin luggit- dejected
hit- hut
howkin- digging
L
lassie- girl
M
ma- me, mine
mair- more
matters- matters
min- man
minty- minute
mither- mother
N
nicht- night
O
oot- out
onything- anything
ower- over
P
peyed- payed
pit- put
pooder- powder
priggin- begging,
puckle- a few
Q
quines- girls
S
scaups- rockpool where mussels are kept for bait
seen- soon
shooders- shoulders
sic- such
siller- silver, money
skelpit- slap
skirlin- screaming
slaachter- slaughter
sojer- soldier
sotter- mess
steen- stone
swallied- swallowed
swyte- sweat
T
tae- to, as well
teen- taken, took
thocht- thought
toon- town
twa- two
W
wee- small
weemin- women
wid- would
widna- would not
wi- with
wins- winds
wint- went
winna- will not
wisna- was not
wiz- was
wrang- wrong
wun- made through
wye- way
Y
ye- you
yer- your
About the Author
Patrick Hutchison was born in New Deer, Aberdeenshire, in the mid-Fifties and has lived all his life in the North-East of Scotland. Now retired, he loves the stories and folklore of the area and writes all his own stories in the Banffshire Doric.