Doug's Dinner
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: Stovies never tasted better.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Big gemme ri night pal, don't bey late, eh?”
“Shursel', Doug. How's it gaun' buddy?”
“Aye, no' bad. Jeest oot fur ri aul' man's script. Whit ur ye luckin' fur?”
“Makin' shair ye didnae huv a dug wi' ye is aw.”
“How? Dis your Tonto fight wi' rum aw?”
“ 'Sno' rat, naw, no' unless a gie 'um ri word. Birrur dugs git ri wrang idea aboot 'um bein' sae laid back. Rur's no' a vicious bone in rat dug's boady, unless some'hin' else upsets 'um ur goes furrum.”
“Don't see mony squarin' up tae ris fulla. Whit dae ye feed 'um oan man? Pure solid so 'e is.”
“Aye, 'e likes 'es dinner so 'e dis. Birrit's aw ri exercise 'e gets besides, ken?”
“Rat's mibbes it aye. Nivir see ye oot much withoot 'um.”
“Aye, rain, hail ur shine yu'll fun is oot an' aboot. Sa, d'ye fancy wur chances et ri dominoes ri night ren, Doug? Rey're tap e' ri league an' rur's only us kin catch rum.”
“Piece a' piss. 'Slang is wur oan wur gemme, mind. W'uv tae bey doon rer early furra pow-wow afore kick-aff.”
“Naeb'dy telt me rat. Guid joab a bump't intae ye. Tell ye whit, Doug, caw in furris oan yur wye doon, wull ye?”
“Nae borr ma man. Sees ye later.”
* * *
“Jeezo, Doug, ye luk hauntit man. 'Swrang wi' yur coup'n?”
“R'aul' fulla taen a faw so 'e did. Broke 'es airum while 'e wis et it tae. Rat's me jeest back fae ri hoaspital.”
“Aw, rat's a shame so it is. Take it ru'v kep' 'um in ren?”
“Aye. Ach! A'm jeest gonnae go tae ri doms lit ris. A wis gonnae go hame an' git chinged birrit's no' as if a'm luckin' fur a lumber is it, eh?”
“ 'Sright Doug ma man. An' if yu'r a wee bit oan ri whiffy side y'ull mibbes pit r'oapaseetion aff, eh?”
“Mibbes, aye. Here, whit's rat a kin smell? A'v hid hee-haw tae eat aw day so a huvnae.”
“A made a big pan a stovies fur tae save mey fae cookin' rimorra. Waant some?”
“A'll no' say naw tae a feed me. Rat'll bey great ma man. 'Hanks a lot rer.”
“A'll jeest waarm ye some up in ri micra. D'ye waant some breed 'n' butter wi' it tae?”
“Rat wid bey grand, aye, jeest grand.”
“Rerr y'are. Get yursel' roon' aboot rat pal. A'd gie it a wee taste afore pittin' ony salt oan it.”
“Braw. Here, a thote ye says your Tonto wisnae vicious?”
“ 'E isnae. 'E kens you Doug s'a don't ken whit 'e might bey grum'lin' et.”
“Grum'lin' ye say? Rone growl sounds lit it's comin fae 'es toes man. Rese is great stovies by ri wye, best a'v hud in a while.”
“Eh? Aw, aye, nae borr Doug. O SHITE....WHIRRUV A DONE?”
“Eh? 'Sri mater wi' you?”
“It's Tonto, man.”
“It's Tonto whit?”
“Pit ri spin doon, Doug, slowly.”
“Ri hell ye gin oan aboot man?”
“It's Tonto.....'e disnae like ur folk eatin' oot e' 'es bowl.”
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: Stovies never tasted better.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Big gemme ri night pal, don't bey late, eh?”
“Shursel', Doug. How's it gaun' buddy?”
“Aye, no' bad. Jeest oot fur ri aul' man's script. Whit ur ye luckin' fur?”
“Makin' shair ye didnae huv a dug wi' ye is aw.”
“How? Dis your Tonto fight wi' rum aw?”
“ 'Sno' rat, naw, no' unless a gie 'um ri word. Birrur dugs git ri wrang idea aboot 'um bein' sae laid back. Rur's no' a vicious bone in rat dug's boady, unless some'hin' else upsets 'um ur goes furrum.”
“Don't see mony squarin' up tae ris fulla. Whit dae ye feed 'um oan man? Pure solid so 'e is.”
“Aye, 'e likes 'es dinner so 'e dis. Birrit's aw ri exercise 'e gets besides, ken?”
“Rat's mibbes it aye. Nivir see ye oot much withoot 'um.”
“Aye, rain, hail ur shine yu'll fun is oot an' aboot. Sa, d'ye fancy wur chances et ri dominoes ri night ren, Doug? Rey're tap e' ri league an' rur's only us kin catch rum.”
“Piece a' piss. 'Slang is wur oan wur gemme, mind. W'uv tae bey doon rer early furra pow-wow afore kick-aff.”
“Naeb'dy telt me rat. Guid joab a bump't intae ye. Tell ye whit, Doug, caw in furris oan yur wye doon, wull ye?”
“Nae borr ma man. Sees ye later.”
* * *
“Jeezo, Doug, ye luk hauntit man. 'Swrang wi' yur coup'n?”
“R'aul' fulla taen a faw so 'e did. Broke 'es airum while 'e wis et it tae. Rat's me jeest back fae ri hoaspital.”
“Aw, rat's a shame so it is. Take it ru'v kep' 'um in ren?”
“Aye. Ach! A'm jeest gonnae go tae ri doms lit ris. A wis gonnae go hame an' git chinged birrit's no' as if a'm luckin' fur a lumber is it, eh?”
“ 'Sright Doug ma man. An' if yu'r a wee bit oan ri whiffy side y'ull mibbes pit r'oapaseetion aff, eh?”
“Mibbes, aye. Here, whit's rat a kin smell? A'v hid hee-haw tae eat aw day so a huvnae.”
“A made a big pan a stovies fur tae save mey fae cookin' rimorra. Waant some?”
“A'll no' say naw tae a feed me. Rat'll bey great ma man. 'Hanks a lot rer.”
“A'll jeest waarm ye some up in ri micra. D'ye waant some breed 'n' butter wi' it tae?”
“Rat wid bey grand, aye, jeest grand.”
“Rerr y'are. Get yursel' roon' aboot rat pal. A'd gie it a wee taste afore pittin' ony salt oan it.”
“Braw. Here, a thote ye says your Tonto wisnae vicious?”
“ 'E isnae. 'E kens you Doug s'a don't ken whit 'e might bey grum'lin' et.”
“Grum'lin' ye say? Rone growl sounds lit it's comin fae 'es toes man. Rese is great stovies by ri wye, best a'v hud in a while.”
“Eh? Aw, aye, nae borr Doug. O SHITE....WHIRRUV A DONE?”
“Eh? 'Sri mater wi' you?”
“It's Tonto, man.”
“It's Tonto whit?”
“Pit ri spin doon, Doug, slowly.”
“Ri hell ye gin oan aboot man?”
“It's Tonto.....'e disnae like ur folk eatin' oot e' 'es bowl.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.