Cosain Péist
by Tom Greenwood
Genre: Humour
Swearwords: None.
Description: Think of a cross between crop circles and Feng Shui...
_____________________________________________________________________
In a pub in Ireland in a different 1986 to the one we had…
“Why do you have two model otters on either side of the fireplace?”
“Cosain Péist.”
“Eh?”
“You’re from America aren’t you?”
“Indeed I am, from Baltimore in Maryland.”
“Come to try the Guinness?”
“And to sample some of the traditional Irish hospitality.”
“Ah, you’ll not have heard of Cosain Péist then?”
“No what’s that then?”
“Ancient Irish tradition, you take two model animals traditionally made out of wood and put them on either side of the door, though any entrance will do.”
“Yes but they’re by the fireplace.”
“Otters fight off evil spirits and they can come down the chimney.”
“Otters come down the chimney?”
“No, the evil spirits come down the chimney but not when the fire is lit, obviously, the otters stop them.”
“What do other animals do?”
“Not sure, it was Jimmy who put the otters there. We don’t really take it all that seriously. There haven’t been any druids to do the proper rites for nearly 2,000 years.”
“So what were the rites?”
“Well nobody really knows but the ancient texts speak of sprinkling the sacred fluids over the building.”
“And did you have this done?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Did you have the rites performed?”
“I’m not sure. I’ll have to check. Hey Jimmy?”
“Aye.”
“When you put the otters there, did you get the ancient rites performed?”
“Which ones would they be then?”
“The sprinkling of the sacred fluids.”
“Oh aye, you have to sprinkle the sacred fluids.”
“So what are the sacred fluids then?”
“Can’t say they’re an ancient secret, we can’t have anybody going about performing the ancient rites. The druids would be most upset.”
“Which druids? I was told they were all dead.”
“Their spirits, you don’t want to upset them do you. You need to get it done right. Why do you ask?”
“I’d quite like someone to protect my house.”
“Where’s that then?”
“Baltimore.”
“Never heard of it.”
“It’s in Maryland in America.”
“Still never heard of it.”
“Never heard of Maryland?”
“Of course I have, I’m just winding you up.”
“Ah that famous Irish humour. So how would I get someone to perform Cosain Péist?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Cosain Péist, the ancient tradition of protecting your dwelling from evil spirits.”
“Hmm, nobody’s asked for that before, we just got the otters to protect the fireplace. You’d need to hire yourself a modern druid.”
“I thought there weren’t any druids.”
“No ancient ones, but we make do.”
“So where would I hire one?”
“You need the contacts, the druids well they tend to be a bit secretive.”
“So who would I speak to?”
“Well I’d need to ask about, you know contact the druids.”
“So assuming that I’ve got my druid, what happens next?”
“You get yourself a couple of model animals, one male and one female you put them either side of the thing you’re going to protect. Then you get your druid to perform the rites.”
“Where would they perform the rites?”
“In your house.”
“So if I were to get myself a druid, fly them over to Baltimore, I could get them to perform the rites?”
“I suppose so, it would be a bit expensive though.”
“Money doesn’t matter.”
In Baltimore in a different 1986 to the one we had…
“Do you not think he might suss it out?”
“Nuh, anyway he’s happy. He’s had his house protected and we got a weeks trip to Baltimore, who would have thought that my daughter toy sheep either side of the bed to protect mammy and daddy would have got us a free trip to America.”
“Shhh, he’s coming back.”
“Hi John, pleased?”
“Oh yes, some of my friends want to have their houses protected.”
“Oh, we were going to fly back to Ireland, we’d already booked our tickets.”
“You can wait a couple more days, they’ll pay you well. I’ll see if you can get your tickets changed, one of my friends is quite powerful in UA, he’ll get them changed, especially if you’re going to do his house.”
“Well I suppose so but we don’t have anymore of the sacred fluids.”
“Can you order some?”
“Well, yes but it’ll have to be shipped from Ireland and well we’ll have to get someone to bring it out.”
“I’ll get my wife to bring it out.”
“You sure?”
“Oh yes she’d love to see Baltimore. I’ll get on the phone now.”
“Mary? It’s Jimmy. Can you come out to Baltimore the flights will be organised, and bring plenty of Guinness.”
Swearwords: None.
Description: Think of a cross between crop circles and Feng Shui...
_____________________________________________________________________
In a pub in Ireland in a different 1986 to the one we had…
“Why do you have two model otters on either side of the fireplace?”
“Cosain Péist.”
“Eh?”
“You’re from America aren’t you?”
“Indeed I am, from Baltimore in Maryland.”
“Come to try the Guinness?”
“And to sample some of the traditional Irish hospitality.”
“Ah, you’ll not have heard of Cosain Péist then?”
“No what’s that then?”
“Ancient Irish tradition, you take two model animals traditionally made out of wood and put them on either side of the door, though any entrance will do.”
“Yes but they’re by the fireplace.”
“Otters fight off evil spirits and they can come down the chimney.”
“Otters come down the chimney?”
“No, the evil spirits come down the chimney but not when the fire is lit, obviously, the otters stop them.”
“What do other animals do?”
“Not sure, it was Jimmy who put the otters there. We don’t really take it all that seriously. There haven’t been any druids to do the proper rites for nearly 2,000 years.”
“So what were the rites?”
“Well nobody really knows but the ancient texts speak of sprinkling the sacred fluids over the building.”
“And did you have this done?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Did you have the rites performed?”
“I’m not sure. I’ll have to check. Hey Jimmy?”
“Aye.”
“When you put the otters there, did you get the ancient rites performed?”
“Which ones would they be then?”
“The sprinkling of the sacred fluids.”
“Oh aye, you have to sprinkle the sacred fluids.”
“So what are the sacred fluids then?”
“Can’t say they’re an ancient secret, we can’t have anybody going about performing the ancient rites. The druids would be most upset.”
“Which druids? I was told they were all dead.”
“Their spirits, you don’t want to upset them do you. You need to get it done right. Why do you ask?”
“I’d quite like someone to protect my house.”
“Where’s that then?”
“Baltimore.”
“Never heard of it.”
“It’s in Maryland in America.”
“Still never heard of it.”
“Never heard of Maryland?”
“Of course I have, I’m just winding you up.”
“Ah that famous Irish humour. So how would I get someone to perform Cosain Péist?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Cosain Péist, the ancient tradition of protecting your dwelling from evil spirits.”
“Hmm, nobody’s asked for that before, we just got the otters to protect the fireplace. You’d need to hire yourself a modern druid.”
“I thought there weren’t any druids.”
“No ancient ones, but we make do.”
“So where would I hire one?”
“You need the contacts, the druids well they tend to be a bit secretive.”
“So who would I speak to?”
“Well I’d need to ask about, you know contact the druids.”
“So assuming that I’ve got my druid, what happens next?”
“You get yourself a couple of model animals, one male and one female you put them either side of the thing you’re going to protect. Then you get your druid to perform the rites.”
“Where would they perform the rites?”
“In your house.”
“So if I were to get myself a druid, fly them over to Baltimore, I could get them to perform the rites?”
“I suppose so, it would be a bit expensive though.”
“Money doesn’t matter.”
In Baltimore in a different 1986 to the one we had…
“Do you not think he might suss it out?”
“Nuh, anyway he’s happy. He’s had his house protected and we got a weeks trip to Baltimore, who would have thought that my daughter toy sheep either side of the bed to protect mammy and daddy would have got us a free trip to America.”
“Shhh, he’s coming back.”
“Hi John, pleased?”
“Oh yes, some of my friends want to have their houses protected.”
“Oh, we were going to fly back to Ireland, we’d already booked our tickets.”
“You can wait a couple more days, they’ll pay you well. I’ll see if you can get your tickets changed, one of my friends is quite powerful in UA, he’ll get them changed, especially if you’re going to do his house.”
“Well I suppose so but we don’t have anymore of the sacred fluids.”
“Can you order some?”
“Well, yes but it’ll have to be shipped from Ireland and well we’ll have to get someone to bring it out.”
“I’ll get my wife to bring it out.”
“You sure?”
“Oh yes she’d love to see Baltimore. I’ll get on the phone now.”
“Mary? It’s Jimmy. Can you come out to Baltimore the flights will be organised, and bring plenty of Guinness.”
About the Author
Tom Greenwood was born in Bishopbriggs and now lives in Edinburgh with his wife, two daughters and a rabbit. If you like his stories, you might want to read his novel, which can be found by clicking on the image below.