Christenin'
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Drama
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: The neutral venue option is always the correct option.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Rat's a Cabbage White so it is wee hen. A butturfly.”
“Bwwwooo.”
“ 'Sright enough a'm tellin' ye. An' see, it's chasin' anurr wan fae flooer tae flooer. Rat's how aw ri flooers git pollenatit so it is.”
“Bwwwoooo bleeeh.”
“A 'hink yu'll fun a'm spoat oan wi' rat. See, a'm rat wee bit aulerin you sae a ken mair stuff. Ken whit a'm sayin' here?”
“Bwwwwwooooo bwwwooooo.”
“Wheesht a wee meenit.... wheesht. Kin ye hear rat? Rat's nixt door's cat oot oan ri prowl efter sumhin'. Wheesht an' wu'll mibbes catch 'um et it eh?”
“LOOOBWWWWOOOO.”
“Ach. Ye telt 'um whair wey wis ma wee lamb. See, 'e's awaw back in ri hoose wi' rone scunner't luck oan 'es fizzer.”
* * *
“ 'Sri maitur noo? Cat goat yur tongue? Ha-ha rat's a guid yin eh? Cat goat yur tongue.”
“Blwwwweeeooo.”
“ 'Slang is yu'v no' fuull oot wi' mey. Here, huv a wee feel et ri flooers. Yu'll like rum so ye wull. Rat wan's a lupin an yonner's sum roses. Rem climbers ower rerr's clematis bit ri best plants is doon here ahin' ri hut. Rhubarb.......”
“.......Bwweeelll.”
“Rhubarb, aye hen. Wu'll mibbes be able tae pit sum in wi' yer custard shin, shin is yurra wee bit auler eh?”
“Abwwwwoooo.”
“Rat's ri buffet ready Dad. Ur yis comin' in ur whit?”
“Bring is a plate oot here hen wull ye? Mibbes stick an extra sausage roll oan fur ri wean eh?”
“She's only seevin munss Dad. Ye ken she cannae huv onyhin' lit rat.”
“Wull ah'll gei 'ur a wee haun wi' it ren. How's rat fur ye?”
“Whit ur yis dein' oot here onywyes? Yu'r bein' awfy anti-social so ye ur?”
“ 'Sno' me rit's anti-social doll. 'Saw rem smokers in rerr so it is. Aw rat's nae guid fur me ur ri wean so it's no'.”
“ A 'hink ye wis mibbes right aboot huvin' ri do in ri boolin' club right enough. D'ye ken nane e' rum brote a piece urra boatul urra cake wi' rum?”
“Rat's yur in-laws fur ye hen. Onyhin' fur nuhin'. A thote yur man widda tel't rum no' tae smoke in ri hoose wi' ri wean bein' rerr.”
“Rat mob widnae listin tae 'um, ye ken rat dad. Ye cannae tell rum nuhin' so ye cannae.”
“Bleeooowww.”
“Rat's quite right ma wee lamb. Yu'll fun oot shin enough aboot rone mob in rerr.”
“Don't furget yu'r an ex-smoker yursel', Dad.”
“Aye, bit rat's how a'm no' in a paseetion tae preach et rum directly, urwise a wid, ye ken rat.”
“No' much a kin dae ris tum, birrit'l no' happen again a kin tell ye rat.”
“Bableowwww.”
“Whit gets me is, an' it scunners me tae 'hink aboorit, rey kin aw pile oot e' rone Ponderosa Saloon an' Karaoke cludgie in ri pishin' rain whin rey waant a smoke. Sa whye kin rey no' dae rat oan a nice sunny day lit ris? Rone place is a shitehoose an' ru'll no dare tae light up in rerr.”
“A ken Dad, a'm sorry so a'm ur. Bit whit kin a dae?”
“Hu mony cans is rone heid-ri-baw Lance hud?”
“A few......how?”
“Blubleeooww.”
“Aye wee hen, jeest a wee meenit while a pit yur maw right here.”
“Bumbalumbleoww.”
“Shove a coupla haufs intae 'um withoot crackin' oan tae naeb'dy else. Gei it ten meenits an' e'll stert oan 'es faither an' e'll huv tae bey dragged hame. Rat should brek 'hings up furri rest e' rum eh?”
“D'ye 'hink irrul work?”
“Aye, r'uv been diggin' et each ur aw day. Irrul no' take much. Bit see if ye don't, yu'll huv me back in decoratin' afore ri week's oot 'cos rat smoke'll bey hingin' aboot yur curtins an' yur cairpits so it wull.”
“Ah'll dae it. A cannae afford tae redecorate ri noo, no' wi' him oan shoart time.”
“Jeest don't lit naeb'dy see ye hen, ur ru'll bey a riot.”
“Bloooobloob.”
“You tell 'ur ma wee hen.”
* * *
“ 'Er's yur plate Dad. U'v left Lance wi' a hauf boatul a voddy rerr.”
“Gei mey a shout whinit kicks aff hen. Come oot an' take ri wean aff mey whin 'e sterts an' u'll soart ri rest e' it oot.”
“Blemboom.”
“Rat's a bee, wee darlin'. Yu'll mibbes get awaw wi' grabbin' a haud e' wan a' rem bit yu'll need tae ken ri diffrince atween wan a' rem an' wan a' rem nasty waasps.”
“Beeewoooob.”
“ 'At's right, a bee. Rey dae ri same is ri butturflies so rey dae, rey pollinate ri flooers an' rat. See. Rerr's rat big cat fae nixt door again. D'ye 'hink it's mibbes eftur ma sausage rolls?”
“Bwwwweeebloop.”
“Rat's right hen. 'Es gote nae chance rer. Ope, here wi go, ri shit's aboot tae hit ri fan so it is. Stye oot here wi' yur maw while a soart ris oot.”
“Ye wis right enough Dad. Rone Lance tried tae boady-surf ri buffet table so 'e did. Rur's jeely an' vollyvonts ev'rywhair.”
“Bleeeaaaeeew.”
“Here, take ri wean. She's fillin' 'ur nappy so yu'll need tae gei 'ur a chinge.”
* * *
“Yur man's awaw roon' tae ri Ponderosa wi' rem rit's still talkin' tae each urr.”
“ 'Hanks Dad, best place furrum ri noo. Ris'll no' happen again a kin assure ye a' rat.”
“Wu'll see hen, wu'll see. Pap ri wean in 'ur pram an u'll take 'ur a donner doon ri shore furr an 'oor, let ye get a run et ri tidyin' up an' rat.”
“ 'Hanks Dad.”
“Nae borr hen.”
“Bleuiploob.”
“C'moan wee darlin', wu'll go an' huv a swatch et ri boats. Did a evur tell ye aboot whin a wis a sailor?”
“Blah blah blah blah blah.”
“Haw! Ony mair a' rat ma wee pet an' u'll pit ye ower ma knee so a wull. It nivir done yur Murr nae herm.”
Swearwords: A couple of mild ones.
Description: The neutral venue option is always the correct option.
_____________________________________________________________________
“Rat's a Cabbage White so it is wee hen. A butturfly.”
“Bwwwooo.”
“ 'Sright enough a'm tellin' ye. An' see, it's chasin' anurr wan fae flooer tae flooer. Rat's how aw ri flooers git pollenatit so it is.”
“Bwwwoooo bleeeh.”
“A 'hink yu'll fun a'm spoat oan wi' rat. See, a'm rat wee bit aulerin you sae a ken mair stuff. Ken whit a'm sayin' here?”
“Bwwwwwooooo bwwwooooo.”
“Wheesht a wee meenit.... wheesht. Kin ye hear rat? Rat's nixt door's cat oot oan ri prowl efter sumhin'. Wheesht an' wu'll mibbes catch 'um et it eh?”
“LOOOBWWWWOOOO.”
“Ach. Ye telt 'um whair wey wis ma wee lamb. See, 'e's awaw back in ri hoose wi' rone scunner't luck oan 'es fizzer.”
* * *
“ 'Sri maitur noo? Cat goat yur tongue? Ha-ha rat's a guid yin eh? Cat goat yur tongue.”
“Blwwwweeeooo.”
“ 'Slang is yu'v no' fuull oot wi' mey. Here, huv a wee feel et ri flooers. Yu'll like rum so ye wull. Rat wan's a lupin an yonner's sum roses. Rem climbers ower rerr's clematis bit ri best plants is doon here ahin' ri hut. Rhubarb.......”
“.......Bwweeelll.”
“Rhubarb, aye hen. Wu'll mibbes be able tae pit sum in wi' yer custard shin, shin is yurra wee bit auler eh?”
“Abwwwwoooo.”
“Rat's ri buffet ready Dad. Ur yis comin' in ur whit?”
“Bring is a plate oot here hen wull ye? Mibbes stick an extra sausage roll oan fur ri wean eh?”
“She's only seevin munss Dad. Ye ken she cannae huv onyhin' lit rat.”
“Wull ah'll gei 'ur a wee haun wi' it ren. How's rat fur ye?”
“Whit ur yis dein' oot here onywyes? Yu'r bein' awfy anti-social so ye ur?”
“ 'Sno' me rit's anti-social doll. 'Saw rem smokers in rerr so it is. Aw rat's nae guid fur me ur ri wean so it's no'.”
“ A 'hink ye wis mibbes right aboot huvin' ri do in ri boolin' club right enough. D'ye ken nane e' rum brote a piece urra boatul urra cake wi' rum?”
“Rat's yur in-laws fur ye hen. Onyhin' fur nuhin'. A thote yur man widda tel't rum no' tae smoke in ri hoose wi' ri wean bein' rerr.”
“Rat mob widnae listin tae 'um, ye ken rat dad. Ye cannae tell rum nuhin' so ye cannae.”
“Bleeooowww.”
“Rat's quite right ma wee lamb. Yu'll fun oot shin enough aboot rone mob in rerr.”
“Don't furget yu'r an ex-smoker yursel', Dad.”
“Aye, bit rat's how a'm no' in a paseetion tae preach et rum directly, urwise a wid, ye ken rat.”
“No' much a kin dae ris tum, birrit'l no' happen again a kin tell ye rat.”
“Bableowwww.”
“Whit gets me is, an' it scunners me tae 'hink aboorit, rey kin aw pile oot e' rone Ponderosa Saloon an' Karaoke cludgie in ri pishin' rain whin rey waant a smoke. Sa whye kin rey no' dae rat oan a nice sunny day lit ris? Rone place is a shitehoose an' ru'll no dare tae light up in rerr.”
“A ken Dad, a'm sorry so a'm ur. Bit whit kin a dae?”
“Hu mony cans is rone heid-ri-baw Lance hud?”
“A few......how?”
“Blubleeooww.”
“Aye wee hen, jeest a wee meenit while a pit yur maw right here.”
“Bumbalumbleoww.”
“Shove a coupla haufs intae 'um withoot crackin' oan tae naeb'dy else. Gei it ten meenits an' e'll stert oan 'es faither an' e'll huv tae bey dragged hame. Rat should brek 'hings up furri rest e' rum eh?”
“D'ye 'hink irrul work?”
“Aye, r'uv been diggin' et each ur aw day. Irrul no' take much. Bit see if ye don't, yu'll huv me back in decoratin' afore ri week's oot 'cos rat smoke'll bey hingin' aboot yur curtins an' yur cairpits so it wull.”
“Ah'll dae it. A cannae afford tae redecorate ri noo, no' wi' him oan shoart time.”
“Jeest don't lit naeb'dy see ye hen, ur ru'll bey a riot.”
“Bloooobloob.”
“You tell 'ur ma wee hen.”
* * *
“ 'Er's yur plate Dad. U'v left Lance wi' a hauf boatul a voddy rerr.”
“Gei mey a shout whinit kicks aff hen. Come oot an' take ri wean aff mey whin 'e sterts an' u'll soart ri rest e' it oot.”
“Blemboom.”
“Rat's a bee, wee darlin'. Yu'll mibbes get awaw wi' grabbin' a haud e' wan a' rem bit yu'll need tae ken ri diffrince atween wan a' rem an' wan a' rem nasty waasps.”
“Beeewoooob.”
“ 'At's right, a bee. Rey dae ri same is ri butturflies so rey dae, rey pollinate ri flooers an' rat. See. Rerr's rat big cat fae nixt door again. D'ye 'hink it's mibbes eftur ma sausage rolls?”
“Bwwwweeebloop.”
“Rat's right hen. 'Es gote nae chance rer. Ope, here wi go, ri shit's aboot tae hit ri fan so it is. Stye oot here wi' yur maw while a soart ris oot.”
“Ye wis right enough Dad. Rone Lance tried tae boady-surf ri buffet table so 'e did. Rur's jeely an' vollyvonts ev'rywhair.”
“Bleeeaaaeeew.”
“Here, take ri wean. She's fillin' 'ur nappy so yu'll need tae gei 'ur a chinge.”
* * *
“Yur man's awaw roon' tae ri Ponderosa wi' rem rit's still talkin' tae each urr.”
“ 'Hanks Dad, best place furrum ri noo. Ris'll no' happen again a kin assure ye a' rat.”
“Wu'll see hen, wu'll see. Pap ri wean in 'ur pram an u'll take 'ur a donner doon ri shore furr an 'oor, let ye get a run et ri tidyin' up an' rat.”
“ 'Hanks Dad.”
“Nae borr hen.”
“Bleuiploob.”
“C'moan wee darlin', wu'll go an' huv a swatch et ri boats. Did a evur tell ye aboot whin a wis a sailor?”
“Blah blah blah blah blah.”
“Haw! Ony mair a' rat ma wee pet an' u'll pit ye ower ma knee so a wull. It nivir done yur Murr nae herm.”
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.