Afore we hud ri telly
by Angus Shoor Caan
Genre: Memoir
Swearwords: None.
Description: Woodbines, roll-ups and other smoking paraphernalia.
_____________________________________________________________________
Funny whit runs through yur heid whin yuv a coupla meenits tae spare. It musta been afore we hud ri telly, a wis mibbes seevin yur auld an' a wis in ri kitchen wi' ma uncle Toamy an' ma faithur.
Ma maw musta ta'en r'ur two oot fur ri day, urwise ri hoose widda been lit Bedlam.
Ma uncle Toamy, bein' a jiner tae trade, wis fittin' ri kitchen units an' ma faithur wis labourin' oan tae 'um. A wis rer tae run messages an' tae keep oot rur road, haud ma wheesht an' aw rat pish.
A wis dain' jeest rat, readin' ri Beano fur r'umpteenth time an' listenin' in tae rur patter whin ma uncle Toamy ast me tae run doon tae McGoogan's fur ten Widbines an' a boax a' matches. A dunnit tae gerroot ri hoose fur twinty meenits, an' fur ri thruppence a wis shair tae get whin a gote back.
A wisnae back ten meenits an' ma faithur sent me doon tae ri same shope furra a hauf unce a shag, a boax a' matches an' a packet a' papers. A wis seevin', a done is a wis telt birrit croassed ma mind tae ast how comes 'e didnae tag rat wee message oan tae ri wan a ran fur ma uncle Toamy. Lit a say, it croassed ma mind birrit ri same time a hud a thruppeny bit burnin' a hole in ma poakit. Bey ri time a gote back wi' ri shag 'n' rat, a hud a penny caramel in each e' ma poakits an' wan rummelin' aboot in ma gub. Ri intention wis, a wid keep a haud e' rum so's a could torment oor Danny wi' rum whin ma maw brung 'um hame, 'es a year yunger rin me an' a'v nivir lerrum furget it, birra wis seevin' yur auld an' rey shin went ri wye e' ri furst yin.
“Must bey near dinnertum, Toamy?” Says ma faithur.
“Aye, right enough, George. Must bey getting' roon rat wye, aye.”
“Here!” says ma faithur tae me, “run doon tae McGoogan's an' get four well fire't rolls an' a quarter a' jeellied veal.”
“Bit dad,” a says withoot thinkin', a didnae dare caw 'um faithur ren, no' tae wey gote ri phone in, “ris'll bey ri thurd tum a'v been doon rer ri day.”
'E flung mey wan e' 'es luks an' a kent whit 'e meant bey it. Birry turn't tae ma uncle Toamy an' says.
“See, Toamy. Ris is whit wey sen' 'um tae ri skill fur. Fur tae learn how tae coont.” Ren e' says tae me. “An' don't bey interferin' wi rat meat, d'ye hear me? A'll ken if yuv open't it so a wull.”
Wey hud wur dinner. Rey waashed rer's doon wi' a boatul a beer an' a hud sum scoosh. Rey hud wan an' a hauf rolls each an' a hud ri wan rit wis left. A wis sent ben ri hoose fur an ashtray an' sat 'n' watched rum smokin'. Ma faithur's roll-up kep' gin oot bit ma uncle Toamy's Widbine wid burn awaw if 'e sat it doon in ri ashtray. It wis wan e' rem wee porcelain cottages an' whin ma uncle Toamy stapped 'es dowt doon ri wee lum it sent oot smoke fur a wee while. Whin ma faithur done ri same his dowt wint oot near enough right awaw.
A watched an' listen't is rey wint back tae work. Rey stoaped three ur four times fur a smoke an' a cup a' tea an' a git loast watchin' ri wee lum smokin', especially whin ma uncle Toamy stapped 'es dowt doon it.
“ 'Hink wu'll caw it a day, George,” says ma uncle Toamy, “a'll stick ma tools in ri boaxroom an' wey kin feenish it aff ri morn. A'v a big boolin' match oan ri night.”
“Nae borr Toamy ma man,” says ma faithur, “w'uv broke ri back e' it so wey huv.”
“Dad!” says a, afore 'e could stert oan mey fur gein' 'um cheek earlier, “how d'ye no' smoke Widbines lit ma uncle Toamy?”
“Ach,” 'e says, “a cannae afford tae smoke real fags. Yur uncle Toamy's a tradesman sa 'es git a few mair bob aboot 'um. Rese roll-ups ur aboot hauf ri price ri wye it works oot.”
“Birrit wid save ye oan matches if yur fag didnae keep gawn oot, wid it no'?”
“Nivir mind rat ri noo. Get ri brush an' shovel an' sweep rat flair afore yur mammy gits hame. A'm awaw ben ri hoose tae listen tae ri racin' results oan ri wireless.”
* * * *
A wis et a craft fair ru'r day rer. Ma burd wis huntin' Christmas presents fur 'ur maw an' a wis jeest browsin'. A seen two wee porcelain cottage ashtrays an' pic't wan up tae huv a swatch et it. A near drapped ri bliddy 'hing, an' no' jeest et ri askin' price a' seventy five quid. Ri lums wis aw blocked up. Whair ri hell is ri pleasure tae bey gote fae ri 'hings if rey belang tae a smokeless zone?
Swearwords: None.
Description: Woodbines, roll-ups and other smoking paraphernalia.
_____________________________________________________________________
Funny whit runs through yur heid whin yuv a coupla meenits tae spare. It musta been afore we hud ri telly, a wis mibbes seevin yur auld an' a wis in ri kitchen wi' ma uncle Toamy an' ma faithur.
Ma maw musta ta'en r'ur two oot fur ri day, urwise ri hoose widda been lit Bedlam.
Ma uncle Toamy, bein' a jiner tae trade, wis fittin' ri kitchen units an' ma faithur wis labourin' oan tae 'um. A wis rer tae run messages an' tae keep oot rur road, haud ma wheesht an' aw rat pish.
A wis dain' jeest rat, readin' ri Beano fur r'umpteenth time an' listenin' in tae rur patter whin ma uncle Toamy ast me tae run doon tae McGoogan's fur ten Widbines an' a boax a' matches. A dunnit tae gerroot ri hoose fur twinty meenits, an' fur ri thruppence a wis shair tae get whin a gote back.
A wisnae back ten meenits an' ma faithur sent me doon tae ri same shope furra a hauf unce a shag, a boax a' matches an' a packet a' papers. A wis seevin', a done is a wis telt birrit croassed ma mind tae ast how comes 'e didnae tag rat wee message oan tae ri wan a ran fur ma uncle Toamy. Lit a say, it croassed ma mind birrit ri same time a hud a thruppeny bit burnin' a hole in ma poakit. Bey ri time a gote back wi' ri shag 'n' rat, a hud a penny caramel in each e' ma poakits an' wan rummelin' aboot in ma gub. Ri intention wis, a wid keep a haud e' rum so's a could torment oor Danny wi' rum whin ma maw brung 'um hame, 'es a year yunger rin me an' a'v nivir lerrum furget it, birra wis seevin' yur auld an' rey shin went ri wye e' ri furst yin.
“Must bey near dinnertum, Toamy?” Says ma faithur.
“Aye, right enough, George. Must bey getting' roon rat wye, aye.”
“Here!” says ma faithur tae me, “run doon tae McGoogan's an' get four well fire't rolls an' a quarter a' jeellied veal.”
“Bit dad,” a says withoot thinkin', a didnae dare caw 'um faithur ren, no' tae wey gote ri phone in, “ris'll bey ri thurd tum a'v been doon rer ri day.”
'E flung mey wan e' 'es luks an' a kent whit 'e meant bey it. Birry turn't tae ma uncle Toamy an' says.
“See, Toamy. Ris is whit wey sen' 'um tae ri skill fur. Fur tae learn how tae coont.” Ren e' says tae me. “An' don't bey interferin' wi rat meat, d'ye hear me? A'll ken if yuv open't it so a wull.”
Wey hud wur dinner. Rey waashed rer's doon wi' a boatul a beer an' a hud sum scoosh. Rey hud wan an' a hauf rolls each an' a hud ri wan rit wis left. A wis sent ben ri hoose fur an ashtray an' sat 'n' watched rum smokin'. Ma faithur's roll-up kep' gin oot bit ma uncle Toamy's Widbine wid burn awaw if 'e sat it doon in ri ashtray. It wis wan e' rem wee porcelain cottages an' whin ma uncle Toamy stapped 'es dowt doon ri wee lum it sent oot smoke fur a wee while. Whin ma faithur done ri same his dowt wint oot near enough right awaw.
A watched an' listen't is rey wint back tae work. Rey stoaped three ur four times fur a smoke an' a cup a' tea an' a git loast watchin' ri wee lum smokin', especially whin ma uncle Toamy stapped 'es dowt doon it.
“ 'Hink wu'll caw it a day, George,” says ma uncle Toamy, “a'll stick ma tools in ri boaxroom an' wey kin feenish it aff ri morn. A'v a big boolin' match oan ri night.”
“Nae borr Toamy ma man,” says ma faithur, “w'uv broke ri back e' it so wey huv.”
“Dad!” says a, afore 'e could stert oan mey fur gein' 'um cheek earlier, “how d'ye no' smoke Widbines lit ma uncle Toamy?”
“Ach,” 'e says, “a cannae afford tae smoke real fags. Yur uncle Toamy's a tradesman sa 'es git a few mair bob aboot 'um. Rese roll-ups ur aboot hauf ri price ri wye it works oot.”
“Birrit wid save ye oan matches if yur fag didnae keep gawn oot, wid it no'?”
“Nivir mind rat ri noo. Get ri brush an' shovel an' sweep rat flair afore yur mammy gits hame. A'm awaw ben ri hoose tae listen tae ri racin' results oan ri wireless.”
* * * *
A wis et a craft fair ru'r day rer. Ma burd wis huntin' Christmas presents fur 'ur maw an' a wis jeest browsin'. A seen two wee porcelain cottage ashtrays an' pic't wan up tae huv a swatch et it. A near drapped ri bliddy 'hing, an' no' jeest et ri askin' price a' seventy five quid. Ri lums wis aw blocked up. Whair ri hell is ri pleasure tae bey gote fae ri 'hings if rey belang tae a smokeless zone?
About the Author
Angus Shoor Caan is in an ex-seaman and rail worker. Born and bred in Saltcoats, he returned to Scotland after many years in England and found the time to begin writing. He has a number of publications to his name, including Coont Thum and Tattie Zkowen's Perfect Days, both of which have been published by McStorytellers.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.
You can read his full profile on McVoices.